Is it time for DAD to take over with our teenager?

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We have a 15 year old who was diagnosed PDD-NOS. He's done well. He's in school, mainstreamed fully, we finally have the meds right, so he's getting his work done at school without too much help from us.

Periodically, about every couple of years or so, as this young man's mother, I hit a wall and it's almost as if I am going through the week where I learned about his diagnosis all over again -- the depression, the confusion, etc. Some situation will throw me into a funk, and I just can't see how things are going to ever get better for my son. This week threw me about THREE of these situations, one right after another.

My son wants friends, but has no idea how to get them. My son is a pleasant enough kid, but super innocent, and very naive. I've tried to work with him on social skills. A LOT. He wants to learn. He just doesn't seem to ever generalize what I, or anybody else, try to teach him. For example -- he LOVES Halloween. In our local area, going out for Halloween at 15 is common. I suggested multiple times that he talk with the guys in his lunch group about going out together. He never did that. Halloween night comes around, and he thinks he's going out. With who? He didn't make arrangements with anybody. He was very disappointed, but never made the connection that he should arrange to go with friends.

Anyways, besides this, I think he's being taken advantage of by people at school, or worse yet, his innocence is being taken advantage of to get him to do stupid stuff in front of a crowd. I'm in the highly uncomfortable and depressing position of having to point this out to him. He's such a sweet kid, but it seems like none of the social skills I have taught him are sticking. I'm tired of trying. I just want to give up.

In the midst of a very bad night last night, my hubby decided that he will rework his schedule so that he can be home at a decent hour and then he can do stuff with my son. I don't know what he plans on doing with him, or even how this will necessarily help -- I just think he's trying to help in the only way he knows how. I am concerned, though -- in that my hubby has to work, and I don't want to interfere with that. I've often wished that hubby would have been more involved in the past. He's been a good dad, but he didn't play sports with my son, or help him interact at all. That was my job.

Anyways, I'm just curious to see if you parents (or others) think it's good that my husband is taking over a little bit?

I think it's a good thing. If anything, it will give you a much deserved break.

My DH works a lot too, and it has been mostly just me and my sons. This past year DH switched jobs, allowing him more time at home. I have been seeing a change in one of my sons in particular. He is gravitating towards his dad, and really happy to spend time with him. They are playing around and teasing back and forth, and being "guys" together. I never would have predicted this happening, but I'm very glad. I think it is very good for my son, and I hope will help him socially with relating to the other boys.

Honestly anything is worth a shot, even get him to sign up here, if he's finding info himself and seeing and interacting with others with similar problems he may be a bit more confident,i know this site has really opened my eyes,as there is a lot of good info here and he would be on common ground,most people here seem pretty nice. I was in a bit of a similar situation in my highschool years,and ended up associating with criminals and people who just used me, so him having a good understanding of his problem will benefit him greatly.

There comes a time when boys need Dad. Actually, such times come and go over and over, but it really is great when the Dad's see it and step in.

I know that family life can require "jobs" be divided up a certain way, but in my experience raising kids optimally means a constant shifting of those lines.

So just run with it, and try to pick up more slack for your husband in other areas.

Thanks to all of you -- good advice and support, as usual. I really appreciate it.

As the nature of PDD-NOS is rather non-specific, I don't know your son's weaknesses and strengths, but I'm sure he does have strengths and if you are depressed and confused about his uniqueness, part of the problem may be that you are defining it by his weaknesses. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. If my child were NT and I were to only focus on the weaknesses of being NT, I might be depressed as well, but so what if my child can't focus on one task for hours, and isn't a world class expert in anything. What are your son's strengths?



I've had similar issues in the past. The issue was, I did not know how to interface with people. For you it might seem like a simple task but it is actually a complex "dance" if you will, that requires multiple levels of coordination which I was not fluent in. So I would dwell on formulating a strategy and completely lose sight of when to implement it.

To make an analogy you might be able to relate to, suppose you suddenly got a job to start up a new division of a company. Suppose you were responsible for planning and overseeing the entire thing. But also suppose, you've never done this job before, or anything similar, you are not familiar with the industry and you have no education or training in the matter what so ever, with the exception of the fact that you took a business course once in which you wrote a business plan.

You have a vague idea of what needs to be done with respect to the final goal....hire people, order things, and so on, but you really have no idea how to implement the project. You don't know how to structure the division, you don't know who to hire, and when you hire them you don't really know what to tell them to do, or how to do it. Nor do you know how long it should take to complete it.

You need to completely direct your son in these social situations. For example, you need to tell him "At lunch today, say to your lunch partners 'Hey, do you guys want to go trick or treating with me this Halloween?'"

Or you can have it say it in a more natural way. "Hey, what are you guys doing for Halloween?"

Option 1: They have plans already.
Him: "Can I go with you guys?"

Option 2: They don't know yet, or have no plans.
Him: "Come over to my house, we can go trick or treating together"

He needs to be given social tasks with easy to follow instructions on the when and how part.



I suspect the issue is he just doesn't know how to implement those social skills because they are too general and smooth over the specifics NTs are hard wired for and don't have to think about.



I think both parents (provided they aren't abusive in any way) should spend time with their children.

schleppenheimer, lots of studies show that parents, and particularly mothers, of children / teens with ASD have higher incidences of clinical depression. It is a normal response to the additional stress and workload most of us have. I would encourage you to attend to your own health and find something to help you cope. Maybe with Dad on board you can take some time to do that? (I think it's a good idea, btw, for a dozen different reasons.)

On another level, when we get bogged down with the challenges we are facing with our children, we can lose sight of the importance of simple fun. Sometimes playing a board game, going to a movie, ordering a pizza, going for a walk etc and just relaxing can make a big difference. One thing I read was that whatever we were feeling in regards to our children (frustration, worry, etc.) was probably what they were feeling regarding their own situation. The best way of breaking out of the stress, overwhelm and worry is to find something you enjoy and do it a lot more.

J.

One person can't do everything. Maybe your husband can help him in ways that might not have occurred to you. If anything, I would the parents would be a unified front, and both would help out from the beginning.