Falling apart

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I am a single parent of a 10 year old Aspie boy, he is the love of my life. I am trying to figure out what I am doing here, I am not a person to spill my guts to the world but here I am with no place else to turn.
I was in a relationship with a man for 6 years, until a little over a week ago, when he sat me down and told me that he loved me with all of his heart but he didn't think that he could handle being my sons father and it was not fair to us for him to be around if he could not make that commitment.

Let me start at the beginning of our downfall... it was about a month ago and the three of us had a good outing at the mall to pick up a new video game and get a pretzel (per my son's request). I asked him if it would be alright if we stopped someplace for dinner. It had been a long time since we have gone out to eat since my son only will eat like 15 foods and hates the smell of anything else, but on occasion we are able to sit down and eat someplace. I thought I would try the look at all of this stuff we did for you already today, you can give us an hour, we have the Ipad and your 3ds ect. So Sky my son said it would be alright. By the time we had gotten to the restaurant he had lost the alright and it was no longer ok to be there. We went in and were seated, Sky promptly slid under the table, we tried to get him to sit at the table, but he would not, anything that was said to him just made the problem worse, he started to bang his head on the wall, disrupting other customers ect. So before we even ordered food I put a fat tip on the table and we left. My boyfriend was not happy about this at all.

The next day he was still really pissed off at the situation, I was also upset but mainly because he did not get it that we had pushed Sky past his limit and he is still learning how to control his emotions ect and could not help it.

So now here I am lost, with a man on my mind constantly, Panic Attacks daily because I am so lost, and a son who has no idea what is going on except that his mom that is always there for him is very sad because she has lost her best friend.

I know that my Ex-boyfriend loves my son but he just can't get his head wrapped around what is Aspergers and what is manipulation? He has always said that if he only had a Father in his life that he would not be this way. It makes me question will there ever be anyone that understands? Someone that will be able to love both of us?

I suppose this is more a rant than anything else, Advice I could use is how to talk to my son about this, he already has issues because his "father" was never in his life at all, and now the man who he called his "future father" might be gone forever. I am not in anyway able to cope with a huge backslide in behavior right now, I am having a hard enough time keeping myself together. Anyone out there ever been in my shoes or something similar?

saranno, ««««hugs»»»».

I think the best approach in an emotional crisis is to recognize that you are in one. The feelings are there, are valid, and you will need to mourn the end of an important relationship. You will be sad. Your son will feel that, and be concerned. I think you would do well to reassure him, frequently, that it is not his fault that this happened or that you are sad, and that you love him just the way he is.

I know it is hard on relationships to have a child on the spectrum. OTOH, I was divorced from a man when I didn't have an ASD child and have now been happily married to a man for 21 years. We work hard to understand our ASD child and I know that if I had had a child with special needs when I married him he would have understood.
I guess I just want to say that losing one man who couldn't handle it doesn't mean that no man will ever be able to.

Do you have other friends or family members for support? After my divorce I rallied my brother and a good friend to my side; we spent a lot of time doing fun "family" type things (picnics, visits to the aquarium, etc.). BTW, restaurants never worked well for me, and even now I leave them half the time thinking, "Why do we spend so much money to get so much grief?" We've gone back to drive-throughs, which we did when our babies still felll asleep in the car, and often go to parks or on drives to eat the fast food.

J.

I've been through this scenario with various girl friends and relatives. If it isn't Aspergers, insert Premie baby, the child has diabetes, cancer, Downs Syndrome, you have girls I realize I want boys........

Too bad you wasted 6 years of your life with this dude.

Instead of grieving, consider it a very early Christmas present. He came clean. He can't deal with it. He probably never was going to "get it". It is easier to ignore the behavior of a 4 year old melting down, than a 10 year old boy. Ex probably was more worried about what "others thought", that your son's current issues.

How lucky you didn't marry this guy. How lucky you didn't waste more of your valuable time with him. I bet if you look back at the relationship, there were signs he wasn't committed for the long haul. No man wakes up investing 6 years with someone, and "suddenly" realizes it was a mistake. I'm guessing there is a less "baggage" female in the wings somewhere. Playing Daddy stopped being fun, when unknowing, un-understanding people started casting the side eye his way over your son's "bad behavior".

He was never your son's best friend. True friends don't bale after a restaurant fiasco. Maybe he hung around for reasons that suited him (you were convenient, and didn't demand a lot), maybe for pity, who knows.

Tell your son (this is the truth), it was nothing he or you did to drive Ex away. Whatever excuse Ex gives probably is more face saving that the truth. That sometimes friends just leave and you never know the true reason why. It hurts and it is awlful, but it also a start for a new beginning.

My therapist friend gives this advice to everyone that is facing the demise of a long term relationship.

1) Take a year off of dating. It is a totally self indulgent year. Refocus your energies on you and your son's interests. Instead of grieving, it is a new beginning. You can meet men, but no active relationship hunting.

2) Once yourself discovery year is over, my friend says never have dates meet the kids. Kids do not understand dating. If your son needs a male mentor, look into something like Boy Scouts or Big Brothers/Big Sisters. That way your personal dating life is out of picture. Your judgement on a date isn't clouded on how well "the kid likes him". Cause kids are fickle.

Also, 6 years is too long without a committment like paper work being drawn up or marriage. Legally, you have no stake in any of his assests if he dies. My girlfriend had this happen. Her boyfriend of 10 years died of a stroke. His family left her with nothing. Legally they could do that. (talking about the States, here) They threw her out of his house with her two kids, who called his guy's parents "grandma and grandpa" (they were not his kids). She landed in a women's shelter with nothing.

Pick yourself up. Hold your chin up high. You and your son are worthy of a decent understanding man. They are out there. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who knows who she truly is and were she wants to go. Take that year off and find her.

I have a couple of very supportive friends... and thanks to all the recent Panic Attacks a therapist now. I think that the part that is hardest for me besides the broken heart/life is what he said to me. He "doesn't want his life to be ruled by a 10 year old dictator." and that is just it, everything I do is for my son. This whole thing has turned my life upsidedown. I have family but they accept that Sky has Aspergers but they are in no way really helpful to me with it. They just complain about his behavior, his stims ect. I always had Derek to turn to, now I just feel so alone in this battle.

I'm so sorry you are going through that. You deserve someone that loves you and your son unconditionally. I hope you both come out of this with a clearer vision of what you want and how to be be happy again. *hug*

Saranno, so sorry you are going through this. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. That helped me a lot a few months ago.

One thing to realize . . . is that most likely your ex-boyfriend has his own issues that are hindering him from understanding and accepting your son's uniqueness.

My husband and I nearly separated about six months ago. We went thru a real crisis. There were a number of issues. But one of the main issues was the tension and stress I felt he added when we did things as a family (which was most of the time). He was constantly frustrated with our son, and was dealing with feeling like he was a failure with our kids. He couldn't deal with that, and therefore bordered on being abusive because of his emotions.

When everything came to a head, I was going to leave and so he finally went to a therapist out of desperation. It has been monumental in rescuing our marriage so far and in his relationship with the kids. The therapist really helped him see that b/c of his own family background that he felt 'winning' with the kids (being right, being listened to) was connected to how good he was as a father and was connected to his self esteem, etc. For example, the same situation with your son that you described in the restaurant, he would not have handled that well at all. Probably would have resulted in tears, pain, stress for us all.

Another thing that has helped a lot has been his acceptance that our son is indeed 'different', not just stubborn or 'willful' or bratty. That he has a different way of thinking and 'invisible' developmental issues that cause most of the meltdowns, miscommunications, etc. For what it's worth, we don't have these issues with our daughter and she has the same parents. It seems like perhaps your ex-boyfriend has perhaps not quite accepted your sons situation as one he cannot control?

Anyway, I am not trying to over-analyze, just trying to say--it's not your fault! And you are not alone. (I am sure were my DH and I not married & the kids not his own my husband would have walked away from the stress. It is A LOT to manage and deal with such unique little individuals in our homes when they themselves feel they 'don't fit'.)

That said, finding someone who accepts the diagnosis and reads up on it and who is willing to deal with his own issues in therapy when they come up is invaluable. Having an AS kid is bound to dredge up issues connected to how a man measures 'success' as a parent. Heck, having any kids can do that!

All the best . . . take care of yourself and your precious son.

I wish I knew why some people have such a tough time understanding that people with ASD have REAL differences that make things likr being in a restaurant simply unbearable at times (for some maybe all the time). Maybe it is because they look so "normal" on the outside. Maybe if they had an outward appearance, say like people with Down's Syndrome, it would be easier to accept their different behavior and thinking? I am so sorry for the heartbreak you are suffering. This probably goes without saying but try to keep things simple for you and your son as much as you can for the time being. I have recently been through some really tough times with my husband and I know what you mean about not feeling able to deal with some of your son's more difficult behaviors right now. When your own cup is pretty empty it is really hard to keep your son's cup full. See if you can squeeze in some time to do something you might think of as self-indulgent. You need it.