Worried

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Hello,

Sorry it's a long one...

Just a bit worried about us meeting the educational psychologist for first time and how it might go. From our point of view our son is happy, intelligent, and loving child. At playschool they suggested he had poor motor skills, didn't play with toys "properly", interacted more with adults, and didn't enjoy new activities. He was written an EIP while there, but no specific conditions were ever mentioned. Our son is 5 1/2 now and he has been at school since January. At the end of last term his reception teacher pulled out a referral form re poor handwriting motor skills, and social / emotional difficulties. It was a bit of a shock as we had thought our son was settling in well, and I spent the whole summer wondering what to do with it. My husband was livid.

I spoke to lots of people, most of whom couldn't see any problems with him, but a close friend mentioned Aspergers. I did a bit of research and started looking at my son more objectively, and noticing some traits. Obsessive interests, great language and reading skills, doesn't know when to stop talking, bounces and flaps when excited, spins arm when he runs. But yet he has great eye contact and is a very social creature - sometimes overly so. When I met the Senco to sign the form I don't think she'd even heard of my son. I brought along a page I'd written about his history / life so far. She wasn't at all worried and said it would just be a one off visit. The only thing that bothered her was his sensitivity to certain smells and the fact he'd had birth problems.

I persuaded my husband to come to the meeting too, but now I'm regretting this. He is totally against "interference" and refuses to believe that our son is anything other than perfectly normal. He wants to tell them this. But I want listen, be honest and see what they think. I rang up Ed Psych today to ask how long this meeting might last. She said 40 mins or maybe an hour if we had concerns as parents. I said "Oh, it might be quicker then if none of us have any concerns?" and she went a bit quiet. I took that to mean that she might have some. Apparently she'd observed him for an hour a week or so back.

So now I'm worried it might not be a one off meeting. I don't want to fall out with my husband over this. Don't want to deny our son of support / opportunities, but wouldn't like him to get labelled either.

Can anyone help me get my head together?

Thanks!

The best thing you can do for your child is understand them. If he is aspergers, you are not doing him any favors by ignoring the signs and staying in denial. In the end, he is the same kid he always has been, you just will be able to understand what his needs are and how to help support him. Why lose that opportunity to preserve his "normal" status?

Wow, mumsy, your son sounds so much like my 4 1/2 year old! We are also waiting for an evaluation next month.

Our son is generally super bright, very verbal, happy, and active. There have been some issues along the way, but they were things I figured he'd 'grow out of' or things that were problems b/c of our parenting mistakes, etc.

However, he started pre-school (K-4) a few months ago and his teacher brought up the same issues. Very poor handwriting, coloring, drawing and very poor social skills. It's not that he doesn't want to play with other kids--it's that he goes about it the wrong way. He also doesn't really have any 'good' friends at school--he says his teacher is his best friend at school. He is only interested in building things--very narrow interest range.

For me, I lucked out and was able to 'ease' my husband into the idea that something was not 100% 'typical' very carefully. I'd had a hunch myself from watching my son thru his class window (before my P/T conference). Then, I'd picked up on the poor writing skills, etc. So, his teacher just confirmed my fears.

I was worried about my husband doing the same thing as yours. Denial. But one thing that really helped . . . I had researched Asperger's when I stumbled across it and very, very gently eased my husband into talking about it over a few days. (I was the only one who went to the P/T conference and at least my DH believed the teachers report). It helped that I told him many very successful, intelligent people are AS. And I described it to him simply as a 'different way of thinking', not a 'disorder'. It took him a few days to process it, and I sent him a couple of 'milder' links about Aspergers. And he had to admit it could explain a lot.
This was the best one I sent him: http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2008/05 ... ge-of.html
He seemed to connect with what they were saying on that site, especially b/c it is talking about high-functioning kids.

Also, I encouraged my husband to really observe our son in the church kindergarten (can't really at his school). That was immensely helpful for him to see. Also, we took our son's 'worksheet' and compared it to his friends coloring/worksheets. My husband shook his head in disbelief--he had no idea he was that far behind the others because verbally, intellectually he is so, so bright. But he had to see it himself. Over the process of a couple weeks, I also pointed out to him some of the 'traits' that potentially put our son on the spectrum, and after hearing about them, and then watching our son, he came around.

((hugs)) to you . . . I think it can be a little harder for a dad to swallow possible 'delays' with their sons. We'll see what happens when we go for our own evaluation with the child psych . . .

SC2010 summed up my position on this well, and it is good to see that angelgarden had some practical ideas on handling this with your husband.

After years on this road, I will observe this: you will do your son much more disservice ignoring educational differences that might exist, than labeling them. If your son is AS, there is nothing "wrong" with him, but he will have unique needs in the school system, and I much much MUCH prefer the school see that than ignore it. It would hurt your son much more to be called "lazy" and told to "apply himself more" when he is honestly doing the best he can, than it will for him to have a label explaining how he is different, and to receive a few services to fill in the gaps.

Many AS kids have trouble writing, disgraphia/hypermobility/hypotonia are all common co-morbids to AS, and if that is true with your son, he is not going to be able to "apply" himself "harder" or "practice more" and make it go away. Until we had a label for my wonderfully bright and socially outgoing son, he was getting so frustrated with handwriting that he was checking out and giving up. If you child checks out and gives up, that is a full out LOSE situation, that does not need to happen.

My son tested as Aspergers through the school when he was 7, and has that label for school use only. After years of accommodations and services, all while being mainstreamed, he is effectively "graduated" and making his way beautifully as a high school freshman: several honors classes and a 3.85 GPA for his first quarter (before the honors bump ups; after those, he's over a 4.0), straight out of the box. He is happy, social, and most likely SET (can never rule out fall backs, of course); looking hard at building his college resume to get into one of the high achieving schools that interest him. Without the label, we wouldn't be here. I've seen what happens to the kids who fly under the radar and don't get the support; they see all too well how they aren't measuring up, but they never understand why, and it can break them. But my son's peers who got identified early and received interventions ... those kids are all soaring. They aren't socially rejected for being different (strong inclusive policies in our area, and strong anti-bullying programs), and they haven't learned to rely on any more support than they absolutely need (to the contrary, we find them eager to prove themselves as soon they have a work-around in their heads).

I think you should be thrilled that your child is lucky enough to be in a district willing to look at these developmental gaps and see what they mean, so that they can best serve your child in school. While all schools should be doing that, many do not, because it takes training and it takes money - resources many districts like to skimp on. I know it is super hard to hear - we've all been there - but long run receiving keys is a good thing, and that is exactly what this process should do for you: give you keys.

All that said, a one hour meeting is not going to be enough to make any final determination, either way. This meeting will lead to further ones, unless your husband is effective in squashing the process, or the Ed Psych prefers to take the easier way out (deciding there is nothing to worry about is always easier than doing something, as is "wait and see.")

But I really encourage you to let the process take it's course, and see what it uncovers.

Thank you all for your thoughts. It's interesting to hear how others picked up on the possibility of their child having AS.
The more I read about AS the more likely it seems. I am looking forward to hearing a professional opinion on our son, as I've been driving myself crazy wondering lately.

SC2010, I worry that a label might be a burden later in life, in terms of entering a career of his choice. But I do want to support my son in any way I can.

I've had a look at your link angelgarden and will definitely be referring back to it. Your son sounds gorgeous. It is strange that bright and happy kids can be singled as having issues. It's as if the systems that be want to produce a herd or robots. But if their heads work differently that would be useful to know. Our little man is quite interested in the brain actually, and sometimes refers to his brain as an alter-ego ("my brain wants xxx", "my brain was a bit naughty"). He'd love it if he had a special brain.
Our son seems to have lots of friends and be known to everyone but he also likes his teachers too much I'd say. He regularly likes to chat with them after school and has invited them to the park and even over for dinner (aaaarrgh!)
I might have to email hubby some links as I've tried to talk about it several times and he just doesn't want to know.

DW mom it sounds like your son is doing fantastically. May I ask how you got a label just for school? Although it may work differently here in England I guess. We are lucky that our son goes to a fantastic little infants school. He gets a bit of extra handwriting help, along with a few others in his class. At the end of last term he was given a booklet about his new classroom / teacher etc. I didn't really get why he was given that, and no one else was, but now I realise it was a social story? Strangely he doesn't seem too bothered about routine, it's constant chaos in our house.

Anyway, fingers crossed that this meeting might shed some light on the situation. And even if hubby does stop the process before it's started I will still be trying to learn more...

Another mom told me it generally takes about a year for husbands/fathers to come around and accept the diagnosis. Was true for us, as my husband kept insisting that it would turn out that DS "only" has ADHD. A few weeks ago DH learned that a coworker's daughter has AS, and all the advice he is getting from that guy has made a huge difference. He's gotten recommendations on meds and therapists and is now gung-ho for strong intervention.

Another thing that made a big difference was that DH and DS started taking weekly train rides for fun. DH really noticed how other kids were talking to their fathers and how different DS's conversations are (more like a CD player on random skip!)

You might consider planting the idea that your DS just needs a little extra help now, and that a label is just a way for the school to justify paying for it.

Mumsy-r, I hope you don't mind a little more dialogue. I was reading back over everything, and it is interesting to me the things that sound so familiar to me about your son! And he sounds absolutely wonderful as well. The 'doesn't enjoy new activities' is familiar. Our son is quite happy to be on his bike, with his Legos, , with his cars, or doing a paper project. Anything else he just doesn't want to transition too or has no interest in. His school said the same thing--he has cried there a few times b/c he didn't want to stop the game they were playing and move on to something else. My son also has some sensitivity to sensory things (smells) and had some moderate birth issues (difficult labour, jaundice, lost weight, trouble nursing).
That's fantastic that your son is reading well--we have had a lot of difficulty getting ours to want to learn and to catch on to phonics. Don't know if it just isn't clicking for him or he just isn't interested.

Anyway, I had to laugh at your mention of his interest in the brain, because my son has the same funny interest! He also wants to know how his nose, his heart, and his lungs work, but he is particularly interested in his head. Funny. Very cute how your son talks about his brain. In fact, I was looking at some TED talks for my university class last week and my son saw a still video image that had a brain on it and he absolutely BEGGED me to watch it. I thought it was a bit boring but he sat entranced and has asked to watch it again and again. I was afraid it would be too much for him but he absolutely adores it. Here's the link: http://www.ted.com/talks/iain_mcgilchri ... brain.html

Well, today I just discovered the cost of the psych/developmental evaluation for him and I think my DH is going to flip and want to back out once he hears how much it is going to cost. I'm also a little nervous about paying so much for a less than 1-hr evaluation which will tell the psychologist . . . what? That he's not your 'average' kid but he can't put his finger on what it is? Thanks, I already know that.
The thing is, I know if he is identified with some valid 'differences' that knowing those differences will help us help him reach his full potential, which could be quite amazing. And at the least, is most fair to him. Love my little boy and want to help him figure it out. Sigh. Sorry this was a bit long--Will look forward to hearing how things go for you!

To be frank, I would be much more worried about how a school carreer of being told he is lazy, being bullied and not being able to do the things all his peers can do is going to effect him. That has about 100% chance of destroying his self-esteem. If your son has AS, there is nothing wrong with him. He will have different education needs than 'typical' kids. As DW says, the whole thing is about taking the necessary steps so that his unique needs can be met. Unfortunately, this often does involve a "label" and I don't know how things operate in England but I can't imagine how that would be somehow later end up being communicated to a prospective employer. Its not like they are going to put a tattoo on his forehead.

Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now. I know that what you and your husband is going through is hard. It is a process to come to acceptance. Remember this, acceptance does not mean passive resignation that your son is somehow flawed and that he will fail to achieve in life. Acceptance means acknowledgement that he has differences and if those difference are addressed, he has as good a chance as any other kid (maybe better) of getting wherever he wants to in life!

Dont worry about the "label" he is not going to be wearing it or having it tatooed on him. All this will do is get him the extra assistance and understanding that he will need to succeed. I understand your husband being upset especially if he only knows the "scary" things the media portrays about Autism. You should sit down with him and watch the Temple Grandin movie for starters....also make sure that he knows that Aspergers and classic autism are slightly different. Try to educate him....Tony Attwood is also a good guy to watch, there are a lot of youtube videos if your husband refuses tor read a book. You could just say "hey watch this" and poof, he got some education. No one wants to think there is something "wrong" with their child and that is the first thing one thinks if your child is different that other children....something is wrong. Most of us with autistic children simply dont think that way. Having Asperger's myself I definitely dont think that way. Different does not necessarily mean bad or wrong. Obvious your son has many strengths and yeah, he will have his weaknesses, but if you think about it, we all do. Maybe tell your husband how lucky you are to have a "unique" child instead of one of those typical average ones Sometimes some light humor can help as well.

I second all the responses others have given here.

In your first post you say that when you meet with the educational pyschologist you want to listen, be honest and see what they think. I think that is absolutely the right approach to take at this early stage, and you should try as best you can to encourage your husband to do the same.

It is likely that the ed psych will raise issues that you have already observed yourself, and if that happens then you could take the chance to expand on those and illustrate her points with your own observations. This will have the dual purpose of assisting the ed psych form a fuller picture of your son, and it will also create links which will hopefully let your husband see how your son's behavour is objectively viewed.

Others have mentioned that fathers seem more likely to deny the possibility of autism or Asperger's and that has been my own personal experience too. My ex-husband did, in front of professionals at least, acknowledge the diagnosis, but he still fails to understand exactly how it does affect our son. And my ex is a spec ed teacher!

What really matters in all of this is that your son receives whatever support and help he needs to meet his potential and be happy and fulfilled.

My son is aware of his diagnosis, and when I first talked about it with him he said he was relieved to know, because he always knew he was "weird" and now he knew why.

You might want to contact the National Autistic Society (NAS) and see if they are running any Help! courses in your area, or if you can meet and talk with a family support worker.

Good luck with it all, and welcome to Wrong Planet. This is a great place to talk about these things with people who know what it's like.

Maybe you can convince your husband to stay home and then tell him whatever was said in a general way.

My husband sometimes sort of gets it and sometimes is in complete denial. I choose not to bring him to anything important because he won't listen and becomes argumentative with everyone else.

mumsy-r, I think we got lucky by having an accurate school assessment that was considered "enough" to get all the services. Here it is strictly a district policy decision; it varies widely city to city and state to state. They asked us to get a medical diagnosis way back when, but never asked us if we'd gotten it. Having at that point met a teen who was trying to abandon her diagnosis, I figured that I may as well take advantage of the rare opportunity to get all the services while leaving the life long label decision to my son at some later date.

I haven't heard much about AS as a label hindering employment, but its not like I've researched it. I do remember one poster feeling it was used against him in a custody dispute, but he also had menatl health issues and chronic unemployment, so who knows how accurate his perception was.

You can't set aside what you know you need today because of a worry about tomorrow. It's good to ask, and have your eyes on it, but you have to get through today successfully first, or the conversation about tomorrow is dead on arrival. I did ask all those questions, and my concerns were actually well addressed. I have no issue with the label.

Definitely agree with you Liloleme - whatever the outcome may be.

Thank you all for the support & advice. I'm feeling a lot better about it today . Managed to speak to someone in our local children's centre who had personal experience of the SENs process. She said she was scared s**tless too, but her Ed Psych was very nice and really helpful. She told me the EP would be experienced in dealing with reluctant parents, and she would know how to explain things in a way that parents can understand. So hopefully my other half will be less of a problem than he wants to be.

Got quite a bit more reading & looking up to do, will be back here after the meeting.