NT dad doesn't understand sons ASD

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I have been split up from my ex for the last two to three years and its honestly the best thing I have ever done. My son still has contact with his dad which is great and I really encourage it. I just don't think he always gets our son. I'm not saying he's a bad parent as he loves our son and would do anything for him, I just don't he thinks about what he likes to do.

Ossian is 4 with very limited language, doesn't like over children and quite happy just staying at home and playing on the computer or watching Elmo at the moment. I do take him to a small park where its normally just us or only a handful of children so he still has his own space, and he will say I've had enough when he gets overwhelmed by the experiance.

Its getting to the point where Ossian doesn't want to see his dad at the weekend and yesterday came running to find me when his dad arrived saying no daddy I want mummy today. Almost in tears when saying so. I know his dad takes him to soft play centers which he does enjoy to a point, but I don't make him stay long and keep an eye on him. He also takes him to the bigger parks. He now wants to take him to a party, which is fine and I've allowed him to do, I just don't think he'll enjoy as he's seeing Father Christmas and last attempts over the years have been unsuccesfully and also with over character people. He saw at the time his idol fireman sam and just cried at him. Peppa pig was fine though. As well as the music, other children, the lights. I just don't think he'll enjoy himself like a normal child would. I have tried explaining this to him but it goes through one ear and out the other at times with his dad. It was like when I asked him to bring some toys to the hospital when we ended up in A&E he and his finance both came and only brought a cuddle toy which he has no interest in at home. I was thinking more like a book or cars or a train something to keep his attention and more than one!

Anyway enough of me raunting. Any advise would be great

Sometimes children on the spectrum do have to be pushed outside of their comfort zone because they will never leave it otherwise.

The issue is that he is starting to not want to see his father.
I think I would just tell the father that his son is starting to not want to see him and if he takes him someplace it should be someplace he enjoys a little more.

I agree with Chronos; I think it's good in the long run that his dad brings him to places that aren't always in his comfort zone. He may not ever like them, but it's possible to get used to different situations, and that's a skill that's very valuable for future life.

I don't know - this child is only four years old. A NT four-year-old has difficulty with setting boundaries about his comfort zone, let alone a kid on the spectrum.

I do agree that kids on the spectrum need to be coaxed out of their comfort zone. As a parent, I find riding the line between pushing enough and pushing too much is spectacularly difficult, and my husband and I fight over it all the time. Maybe he's to one side of the line, and you're to the other: it's very difficult to say, but I doubt that anyone on this board is able to provide exactly what their child needs at any given moment (I suppose this is true, to a lesser extent, of NT parents as well.)

I do think it's important that the child's father understands exactly what he's doing to cause his son to dislike visits, but maybe it would be heard better coming from a third party, like a therapist? Maybe if a professional showed him how to look for cues that his son is overwhelmed and gave him some techniques to back out of a difficult situation?

I do push Ossian outside his comfort zones at time, but these are generally in a controlled envirnoment normally consisting of children he already knows from school or previously pre-school. They did christmas parties, easter parties etc and school plays which he took part in and he even performed in front of the other parents (although he only sang one line compared to the others and wouldn't keep his hat on). I also do take him to soft play centers and take him to the bigger parks when its quieter as he doesn't like people following him and runs away from the other children. Which is why he might have trouble when his dad takes him as they are over the weekend in busy periods.

As for him not wanting to see his dad is a problem. Its been building up for a while, and I haven't been influancing him in any shape or forum to think like this. I want him to continue to have a good relationship with his dad and I hope he will get a better one in the future but I'm not quite sure what the problem is and he can't tell me due to being almost non verabal most of the time and when he does its about his own interests. So I might question him what to make him hate it so much. What words should I use make me not come across like an over protective mother who doesn't want her ex to see her son as thats not what I want at all!

I just managed to erase a lengthy post - maybe this time I'll be more succinct

Disruption of his routine and transition to a new and unpredictable environment may be contributing to your son's dislike of going with his father. Could/would Dad:
1. Make a schedule of the events that are going to happen while DS is with him
2. Agree to have more of the same stuff at his house as your DS has at your house
3. Eat familiar things at familiar times
4. Take the time to thoroughly explain what is going to happen whenever a new or different activity is going to happen
In general, Dad needs to get it that your son probably needs his environment to be predictable otherwise it will be anxiety producing. He also needs to remember that even though it may nto appear that your son listening when such explanation is given, he proabably is taking in the information.
How far in advance do you tell your son that he is going to his dad's? I find it is a real balancing act when our DS has to do something new or something he doesn't like too much, we must give him enough pre-warning that he can process the information but not too much that he stews about it for too long. Also

It sounds to me like the Dad is busy doing all the things he thinks a four year old is supposed to enjoy, or following the advice of other young father's he knows, and not spending any time actually getting inside your son's head.

In addition to the common issues of an AS child with change in routine, my guess is that your son is aware of the lack of understanding on the part of his Dad, even if he wouldn't be able to name the problem, and feels that no one is paying attention to what he wants or needs during that time. Why would he want to be with someone who doesn't seem to care what he actually wants?

I think the conversation to have with the father is to let him know that not only are you concerned about the activity choices he has made, but you think they are harming his relationship with his child. If he does not make a stronger effort to understand his unique child exactly as that child actually is, instead of how he assumes he is, he won't be able to have the relationship he wants.

I must say, it is hard enough to get to know an AS child and his needs when you live with him 24/7, much less when you are only an occasional presence. It really is no surprise the Dad hasn't got it figured out, he's in a tough spot with this. Be sympathetic, but persistent.

I just read this article and was struck by the similarity, maybe it will help: http://cmch.typepad.com/mediatrician/20 ... e-her.html

When my boys were the age of the OPs, they preferred mom to dad (we were married and living in the same house). I have an one NT and one ASD. It hurt dad's feelings and drove me crazy. I don't think it's totally ASD related. It may be worse because of his ASD, and because of that it could cause problems. I would not, under any circumstance (save abuse) allow your childs hesitancy to function to not visit dad.

Tell dad this is a problem lots of divorced families have and it could be serious if you don't address it. Tell him that for now, it's really important to have similar routines and stuff at both houses. Then offer to meet and work out a schedule that will work for everyone. (it won't work well if you just hand him a schedule and tell him what to do).

I was a divorce mediator for a while and leanred a lot about how important it is for kids to have as much access to both partents and parentig styles as possible.