New mom needs help

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I am a mother that is new to AS. I have a undx 5 yr old who fits all the symptoms of AS. He was dx with ADHD at 3 but grows more certian of a AS with each year. But no one will listen to me and I am lost. I dont know who to talk to. Because we have Medicaid (state insurance) We have to have a doctors referral to go see a specialist and I cant seem to be able to convince them that we need this. They insist that it is ADHD and yes I know that Dr's are supposed to know best but on several occasions I was right. Now come on, this is my kid. I know him. Aside from that. I am losing it. It is so stressful with him all the time. The eating issues, constantly not listening. (they said this was ODD). All he wants is video games and I can't let him do that all the time. He will rot his poor little head. Non stop fighting with him. Clothes are always on backwards. He hates baths. Cant stand the water on his head. Even if I cover his eyes. Tried the diets. Haha that was a nightmare. He wont eat it. Hasnt eaten anything but peanut butter and jelly sandwich for 3 months now. I talked to the dr about that and due to his severe low weight from the meds the dr says, let him eat them. All he wants. I have 2 other children also that we have to take care of and he is so violent to them. Although he can walk and talk he fits all the signs of autisim. I cry as I write this and realize how hard he is. I am sorry to be like this but havent had no one to talk to. He is always kicking the baby who is 1. My mother is always telling me how I dont give him enough attention, she dont realize that He is the one who gets the most attention. Always trying to spend time with him to get his mind off the video games. Have tried corners and time outs. Nothing works. Meds all the time. I cant do this anymore. Keep thinking how I wish sometimes that his dad would come get him and keep him. But at the same time loving the heck out of him because he is my son and when he has his good days he is so funny and loveable. But the days seem to becoming more bad then good days anymore.

What state are you in, and is your medicaid through an HMO, and if so, which HMO?

Have you only seen one Doctor so far. if its possible you should try new doctors and see if they can help you.... Did he tell you why he is violent towards his siblings? are they messing up his things? i use to throw fits when my sister and brothers touched my stuff.

maybe you can get someone you know and who knows him to watch him(just him) for you sometimes to help with your stress.

are there any support groups near you ? it sure sounds like you could use a respite worker....tthings can get so hectic and frustrating even with a spouse around....around here, there are parent support & education groups that offer help and at the very least, an understanding ear.....i've heard that it's difficult to find any dr that will take state aid, but for your own sanity i don't think it could hurt to try finding another dr...........and take it from someone who's been there~ don't go to your next dr and say " i'm certain ds has AS"..drs ( at least around here) don't want someone coming in and dx-ing their own kid ( when i did this, i was written into the report as a hysterical , overzealous, incapable mom )...go to the dr with your specific concerns and try to leave out any allusion to a dx~just state that all of these things have you very worried.
hang in there.

Doctors only know what they know and if they haven't studied it, then they are clueless. Our initial doc dx'd our son ADHD-Impulsive and put him on meds. A few years later, our son was seeing a therapist who suggested we have him checked for AS. Initial doc asked three questions and pronounced he could not possible be on the spectrum. I read a book about the similarities in symptoms between ADHD and AS and it made sense to me.

Yup, just like you, I knew my child and I knew a doc that asks a couple questions and sees him once or twice a year just doesn't KNOW my kid. Hang in there on that one.

In our state we have early childhood screening available through our local school district - see if they have any screenings for potentially at-risk kids. Try to locate Easter Seals, our county has an office that helps some kids, perhaps they would at least talk to you and help you find the right diagnosis.

Yeah, punishment just doesn't work PLUS if we can do it to him, then he can do it to us. He doesn't understand appropriate behavior. We have to teach him.

Next, pick your battles - let him eat pb&j, let him wear clothes backwards, just hit the yard sales and resale shops so he's wearing elastic shorts and t-shirts that don't really seem as obviously backwards. Deal with those things later, once you've got a better handle on this AS thing. We found out a little over a year ago and we're in a constant state of learning. This board helps a lot, I'll go to the general forum where other AS folks will talk about stuff and it helps me learn about my son.

We found "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene to be a great tool for learning how to identify the pre-meltdown signs. It always seemed like these things came out of nowhere. That book helped us learn to watch for signs and work to eliminate the stress and anxiety that created most of the meltdown situations.

As far as video games - again, pick your battles. Find a strategy that will work. If my son doesn't take a brain break, then he loses gaming for a day. Keep the discipline short - kids that age aren't always going to relate the loss of gaming on Friday for an incident that happened last week. If you keep the break short, then perhaps the next day he can play with the reminder that he must take a brain break if he wants to go back to playing that day. Also, don't just tell him to quit. Warn him - hey, you've got five more minutes. Okay, the five minutes are almost up, are you saving now?

Keep instructions short - no more than one or two things at a time at first. Also, be very specific - it's not "clean your room" but can you put your laundry in the basket and pick up the Legos?

These are all things that have helped us. If we grounded him from gaming for more than three days, he would just hate us. He couldn't/wouldn't associate the punishment with behavior from two days ago. With the one-day grounding, he is far more prompt about turning off and doing something else since he now knows he can go back.

Good luck - keep studying, keep researching. My kid was once 5, now he's 10 and somehow we got through those five years. Now, we're ready to get through today and tomorrow.

Getting kids diagnosed is so hard. In my opinion I think you should read a few books on AS and treat your son like he has it. My son doesnt take any medication for AS. BUT there are so many things you can do for him to help him. Keep trying to get the diagnoses... write down things you notice and take the list to your doctor. I took an Aspergers Syndrome test online for my son and I actually printed it out and took it to the doctor. Good luck!

at his age it would be of great advantage to try and get him to help you with your own chores, like when doing dish's or cooking or making the bed, let him think you need help, see if he would like to help, give him good attention and say good things that makes him feel good about him self and that he is a good child and he is being helpful and loved, but do not force him when its not his chores that he is working on, try and let him think its his own idea after a while to be helpful, reward him for good behaviours.

let him get away with controlled things that are acceptable so he will feel he has some control over his life.

take him to a hobby store, take him all around it, see what catches his interest the most beside electronic games, something he can work with with his hands, give him something constructive to do and work with and be proud of.

give your self a brake now and then to unwind, if you do not you will or could only make things worse by going postal on him now and then, you need to keep your wits and your head and your sanity, do not let him see you lose control of your self, it enables him.

I can't disagree with you enough, on most your main points, Aspergianmutant.

Most of what you prescribe may work for an NT, but not an autistic. It seems as if you are talking about things that you "should have done" but didn't. Therefore, you don't know if they would have worked or not.

We use video games as a carrot. If he has a "no hurting day" then he can play Nintendo in his free time. He has to have his work done and do it without a tantrum. His behavior has improved drastically. We write down schedules and stick to them as much as possible. I draw cartoons to convey important messages and instructions.

The food issue should change in time. I was picky, my husband was picky and my son is picky. We expose him to new food but never force him to eat new stuff. He went months eating just pancakes. Now he eats either french fries (plain, baked in vegetable oil) or cheese pizza. He eats oatmeal everyday. He doesn't eat sandwiches for lunch anymore, but cheese.

Forcing a child to eat food they don't like will cause eating disorders. I was chronically nauseated until I was in college. If you forced me to eat, I'd throw up and it wasn't under my control. My dad was pressured to "clean his plate" and he has severe eating disorders, and in very poor shape.

I dont think force is the way to go with AS kids. I've learned the the crazy food my son craves actually has the nutrients in it that he needs. He loves chili and oatmeal (calcium). I used to force my son to drink milk because I was a "good mom". well my son has not had milk in over 10 years... I think alot of that is my fault. I dont like to cook three different meals for dinner so I offer him easy choices if he doesnt want to eat what the family is eating.
Also, do not remove every video game from the house. If this is what your child loves, then this is what calms him down. This is how he copes.

As most of you know, I have a very strong pro-gaming attitude when it comes to these things. Can't you let your child enjoy, what little he is able to enjoy?

If video games rot people's brains, then what is the former generation's excuse?

Well, I don't know your situation, I'm not there. But I know what we do works. It's not about punishment, it's about giving him healthy choices. Autistics model what they see and experience, not what you tell them. So, beating them and restricting them teaches them that violence on smaller ones is okay and that eventually they'll learn to overpower people to get what they want.
My son is learning that making the right choices makes everyone a lot happier and when we are happier, we can do what is fun. Rebelling just prolongs the agony and stunts the schedule of events, which makes him feel less in control.

I'd agree, 12-16 is much too late to start any kind of corporal punishment-not that spanking is helpful.
But since your son is on meds, then he probably has other issues besides autism that he is dealing with.

The food thing is a whole perspective issue. If you're "removing food" then you are "taking away the foods" he likes. Children will change their tastes eventually. But restricting or forcing food is unhealthy.

EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO IS TEACHING YOUR CHILD

Notice the all-caps? Yes, I'm shouting.

Aspergian_mutant, I can't possibly disagree with you more based on our own personal experiences.

Spank the kid? Sure - next time he gets mad he spanks us. He has learned spanking is an appropriate way to express anger and frustration. He learned it because we taught it to him when we spanked him.

Gaming is evil? Really, let's force him onto a playground instead. Then the kids can hit him with basketballs until he screams and gets sent to the principal's office.

Depending on your child, gaming is an escape. It's an opportunity for him/her to control something. It's a chance to play with an unfeeling, uncritical machine. In our case, too much can cause problems, but there is NO WAY I would refuse it entirely.

Stand in the corner? Why? does this particular child understand the punishment/discipline? Or, are you just bigger, badder and more able to impose your will THIS TIME??

I'm not saying there is no way to discipline these children and I'm not saying they can't learn - you just have to be very careful about what you are teaching them. I mean no disrespect to our children whatsoever, but based on experience, it's almost like training a puppy. Keep it short, keep it quick, keep it meaningful. Otherwise you risk teaching them things that will come back to bite you. I watched a dog training video years ago and it's funny but true:

If your dog steals dinner off the counter, then promptly roll up the newspaper really really tight.

Take that newspaper and hit yourself on the head because you left it there and gave your dog the opportunity.

I know our lives with our children are far more involved than that, but if you come down like the Apocalypse on these kids, then they will believe it doesn't matter what they do - the world is coming to an end anyway.

You and your child have my sympathy since you obviously missed the chance to make a difference earlier. This is not U.S. Marine Boot Camp at Quantico, these are our children. A little effort, a little appropriate discipline could have helped you both.

Your child is 16? Go get the book I recommended earlier, "The Explosive Child" by R. Greene. Learn about him - it's never too late to mend your relationship and help your child grow.

Does Florida have a Community Mental Health system? In Michigan, they are a Medicaid provider and we are able to use them for additional therapy opportunities above and beyond what his school is obligated to provide through his IEP.

Does Florida have a Community Mental Health system? In Michigan, they are a Medicaid provider and we are able to use them for additional therapy opportunities above and beyond what his school is obligated to provide through his IEP.