Frustrated. Good book for parents of pre-schoolers?

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So, I know there's a whole thread on book recommendations. But anyone have a good book to recommend that is useful for parents of pre-schoolers and deals with behavioral/emotional stuff? I know, kids are kids, no matter what. But I've got plenty of books on NT kids and they just don't cover my son. Just had one of those terrible afternoons which left me feeling like a miserable mommy and most of it has to do with being frustrated with his quirks and his inability to stop himself, and with a lot of his SPD stuff.

Main example: nap time. He is sick, very tired, very cranky. I soothe him, lie down with him, make sure he is comfortable. But he doesn't want to sleep, he wants to play. He does everything he can to keep himself awake: recites numbers to himself, he plays over and over with a rubberband. I take away the rubberband. He cries. Says it is his friend. I tell him I'll keep it safe for him. Doesn't help. Was I wrong to take away his 'soother'? Problem is it was keeping him awake. Somewhere he finds a scrap of paper, he rolls it in his fingers. He mumbles words to himself. He fidgets. I tell him over and over he needs to sleep. I tell him to put the paper away. I leave him alone in the room. He cries and cries for me. Of course I go to him. I know he is sick, but that is exactly why I wanted him to sleep!
I won't go on, but I became very, very frustrated. For some reason he seemed on sensory overload. I know I probably overreacted. Wondered if I should just drop the nap issue or stand my ground.

I had just started feeling like things were going well and now with him being sick, we've had some really 'off' days and I'm not handling them very well. Reading 'something' always helps me feel better, more proactive. Looking for a good resource. Something not just 'about' Aspergers or SPD but PRACTICAL ways of dealing with these lovely kids and their quirks. (Even if dealing with it just means me getting over it.

Send a PM to WP user SuperTrouper. She's working on the book you want right now. Not done yet, though.

I'm not a big medicator but if it was me I'd give him phenergan I'm that instance.

Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic

By Mary Sheedy Kurcinka


I bought this book before I knew anything about SPD or Asperger's. I found a lot of the advice in it incredibly helpful for my son. I spent some time being mad at the author for not pushing more people to look into SPD or Asperger's when they have the particular behaviors they talk about (it's more like an afterthought in the book), but I guess I can't really hold it against anyone. The ideas in it are VERY useful for kids on the spectrum, which is the most important thing.

By the way, my son who is now 5 dropped his nap at about 2 1/2. He was nowhere close to being ready to drop the nap, but he just couldn't calm his body down to sleep. He still has some trouble with sleep, but he never naps.


Do you have him in OT? Because the OT might be able to help you find some calming activities for him. Brushing seems to help my son when he can't stop moving his body. Also, weighted blankets help him with this.

However, I never could get my son to nap after he dropped it, so quiet time was always watching a movie. In fact, he's in his room now watching a movie while my daughter who is 2 1/2 fights her nap in her room I know TV is stimulating for a lot of kids, but often, it really calms my son.


Good luck to you. Oh, I remember those days with him. They were awful.

I would suggest the sequel: Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook. I read both and found the Workbook to have more concrete suggestions than the first.

So good to know! Thank you! I didn't realize there was a workbook.

I went through the same frustration when my DS was a preschooler (and pre-diagnosis for us) -- the positive parenting books all had you doing these in-depth, reflective conversations with your child that my son was just not capable of at that time. (He's now six and in the last six months or so we've become able to have some of those types of discussions about choices and behavior.) I kept saying to my friends, "He just doesn't seem to be verbally oriented."

At one point I decided that positive parenting must be new age bunk and went looking for a book on old fashioned discipline, more like my parents' style -- firm, no discussion. I swear my mother was able to control me with just a mean look and a certain tone of voice! John Rosemond is probably the most vocal proponent of this parenting style, and while much of what he says won't work for spectrum kids, either, I did find some good nuggets. In the 2nd chapter of The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children by John Rosemond, there is a description of how to talk simply and directly when telling your child what to do that made a big difference for us. I do disagree with the harshness of many of his consequences, especially for a preschooler, but if you can mentally replace "spend the rest of the day in your room" with "5 minute timeout" the advice on how to be direct, firm, and consistent can be useful for those situations where you've decided accomodation is not the right response.

Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook, again, was good for those situations where you do need to figure out how to accomodate your child's quirks and sensory issues. When I read it I found it frustrating that everything seemed to be about bending over backward to accomodate the child, but there are definitely circumstances where that's what you ought to do.

There's an OT textbook I liked called Is It Sensory or Is It Behavior?. It's about $50, though, and not exactly what you are looking for. It describes how to do the steps of a Functional Behavioral Analysis to figure out what may be driving behavior, and when to use for sensory strategies vs when to try to change behavior with rewards and consequences.

The subtypes in Parenting Your Asperger Child: Individualized Solutions for Teaching Your Child Practical Skills by Alan Sohn and Cathy Grayson was good insight, but I found it to be more for school-age.

Asperger Syndrome and Young Children: Building Skills for the Real World by Teresa Bolick (note the title is "and" not "in", there is another book with a very similar title) was the most applicable to preschoolers, although I don't recall a lot of concrete suggestions.

If you find something good, be sure to come back and let everyone know!

Last edited by zette on 25 Nov 2011, 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Has anyone read 1001 Great Ideas for Teaching and Raising Children with Autism or Asperger's,by Ellen Notbohm? I've looked at it several times on amazon, but haven't pulled the trigger on buying it. My concerrn is that it may lean more toward the more-affected end of the spectrum.

I went through this with my son, too. I had friends using the positive parenting approach with their kids and I tried with him, but it was so obvious that it just didn't work. I figured out pretty early on that simple, direct instructions/expectations and easy to understand consequences worked well with him. I don't remember exactly what combination of books and articles I read to come to the strategies I use for discipline came from, but the "positive parenting" approach with the nonviolent communication stuff never worked. I know that some of my friends who used that approach with their kids would be uncomfortable with the way I did things with my son.... and I would catch them trying to model their parenting style for me. It always made me chuckle a little. Because, then I'd walk over and say, "I need you to stop doing X right now. If you don't stop by the time I count to three, you'll be in time out." Always works, still does. Then, after he stops, I explain why I needed him to stop. This made my friends cringe! Anyway, I digress...

I agree with you that sometimes the Spirited Child book seems to be about bending over backward, but our discipline issues go down so much when we institute some of the ideas. Mainly, for us, it's about knowing how to keep a routine and handle transitions... and bringing those strategies around whenever we see he's having a rough time.

I'm very interested in sorting out behaviors vs. sensory stuff. We aren't going to private OT right now, but when we did, I spent a lot of time talking to her about it. What I've noticed with my boy, though, is that when he's in a defiant/naughty phase... a lot of times it's related to routine changes or something, but the discipline still stays the same for the behavior in the moment. Because, ultimately, they have to learn how to control themselves as well as they can possibly do it. So, you do get a consequence for behaviors...e ven if it's just a little time out, then deal with the sensory issue from there on out... gives them a chance to learn about how to manage it themselves.

Interesting topic. I like hearing what other people do for discipline.

At 4, even this was too indirect for my son. It would've been more like, "Stop. No throwing toys. If you throw it again, it goes to toy timeout."

I found an email that I sent to DS's preschool teacher when she asked for suggestions of what worked at home. This was just after he turned 5 (we kept him in preschool an extra year), and I took a copy of this email when we went in for a diagnosis.

Really good info and ideas. Thanks. I'll let you know what I find that is useful if anything new comes up.

Our son has outgrown naps already--like yours misstippy, he dropped it at about 2 1/2. Just couldn't settle himself, even with help after that age. However, if he doesn't get enough sleep the night before for some reason or if he is sick and tired and cranky, I do try to get him to nap or at least have a very quiet rest time. Doesn't work most of the time, but I try.

We kind of do a combination of positive parenting and firm expectations/consequences. Seems to work for him. He really needs the structure of an immediate logical consequence (like many you mentioned). He's so sensitive though if we don't deliver it calmly and gently, it doesn't work as well. (I still can't get over my shock of having a child--DD is almost 3--who says, 'Ok, sure mommy.' and pretty much follows whatever we ask!) I do want to know more about the sensory versus behavior though . . . but I guess once we figure out what really is a sensory issue for him, we'll work more on trying to help him regulate that and behavior will improve. I don't want to spend $50 on an academic book right now, so I'll check out some of the other stuff recommended!

The Spirited Child sounds great, as well as the Asperger books. I laughed out loud when I read the full title of The Spirited Child because it fits so well.
LOVE the suggestion of the foam clock, zette. Hadn't thought of that--would really help with his concept of time, which he does not seem to have yet. And once the clocks 'match' (he loves that word), there will be no question. Funny thing is, our son is QUITE verbal; however, it's the auditory processing which he just doesn't seem to have. I don't know that it's just stubbornness or laziness--he just doesn't 'hear' us or when he does, he does not understand logically what we are saying. He is super smart and can describe all sorts of things out of his own mind/world, but cannot make sense of our requests if they do not 'match' his own rules and ideas. That causes a lot of frustration.
Then, when sensory issues come into play (we are running late but he suddenly HAS to change his socks b/c they are bugging him and HAS to find his special rock, or something similar), it is difficult to be patient and figure out what to do. We DEFINITELY need more structure in place for him. We are pretty laid back in our house, and I don't think that helps so much. I've got to get off my butt and make some charts, buy a foam clock and help him out!