being... creepy

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My brother Bud is nearly 13, and has always noticed the opposite sex. In pre-school he had girlfriends and they would give each other "butterfly kisses" (this was the cutest thing in the world, no joke). When he was 7 or 8, Bud had been caught "dancing" (his term, I'm still not sure what he was REALLY doing) behind a portable classroom with a girl in his class. I think it's safe to say, at this time, Bud is going through the...self discovery stage. If you understand what I'm saying.

Not too long ago, I walked past his open bedroom door, glanced in, and saw that he was browsing youtube videos of various young men being stepped on my cute girls. He wasn't masturbating, but he did get a little upset and embarrassed when I asked what was going on. I of course told him "if it's something that you would get in trouble for watching, you need to turn it off and find something else to do." What else could I have said? I didn't know what it was.

But curiosity got the best of me, and I did look up some of these videos. The more popular videos and channels were those dedicated to what I'd describe as "voyeur crushing." One channel was nothing but uploads of a guy sneaking his fingers or hands under an unknowing girl's shoe and allowing her to put pressure onto his fingers. A lot of the comments were congratulatory towards him for having gone unnoticed for so long. Most of these videos were upwards are 10 minutes long.

I don't really know what to make of this. I worry that Bud would (or has) tried this. I don't want him to be physically harmed, and I don't want him to get into trouble. Being a woman, I can imagine I'd be a bit creeped out if I found out a stranger had stuck his hand under my shoes and got joy out of the crushing pressure.

We have a housemate, whose 13 year old daughter has come to live with us as well. This week, she came to me with a yellow post-it. On it, written in Bud's handwriting, was "I like to be stepped on. PS This is not a love note." She says she found it on her bed. Bud denies writing it, claims he has no idea what it's about. I told him that if he knows who DID write it, to please ask that person to not leave any more notes, because it's kind of creepy.

Being an Aspie, the typical social boundaries can be a bit lost on Bud. How can I help him to understand that he is being, well, creepy? I know it is never a good idea to suppress a person's sexuality (if that is what is going on here), but I really don't want my brother to get into some kind of trouble. I am a little lost on how to handle this. I know how to explain feminine hygiene and hormones and mood swings, but not things like this. What can I do?

I guess it would be enough if you'd tell him to keep his preference amongst like--minded people he might find on corresponding websites.

You could try to explain that there are certain social rules for getting in contact with girls, for instance asking her out or going for a walk, and that some preferences are better kept away from normal contacts since they would drive off the girl. Tell him how to do certain things in privacy and secretly. The latter even increases the pleasure one can get from deviant interests.

But out of experience i can say it might be difficult for him to distinguish between appropriate and odd behavior in this respect. For instance, it can be hard to understand why we should not approach a woman and say "Let's f**k" if that's what we actually want.

There are a lot of Autistic people who have more "odd" sexual behavior or in lay-mans terms fetishes. So this is some sort of fetish that he has. I personally think he needs to see a professional psychologist who can help him to understand this and help him to use this, if its what he needs, in a healthy way and with other people who enjoy it. I know when ever something sexual comes up its difficult especially when you dont understand. I think if someone tells him its wrong or bad or weird he will become more obsessed with it not to mention have more anxiety about it.
Im not going into detail due to which forum we are in but I do not have what one would think of as normal sexual feelings and thoughts and I think it has to do with my sensory issues (maybe the crushing feeds also into his sensory needs) and just the way my brain is wired. When I think about or engage in theses behaviors that other people would find strange it is what makes me happy and what is a "turn on" for me. I cant help the way I am anymore than your brother can. Please get him professional help or this could cause a lot of psychological harm.

It might be instrumental to talk to the 13 year old girl about her right to yell out any creepy boundary trespassing, no matter what time or where it may occur and that you will support her in this. Let her know that resisting anything uncomfortable is her right and that doing so will not be considered rocking the family boat. Then back her up if she ever needs to do this.

Since Bud gets a pass on boundaries and lying; please consider doing what you can to bolster the boundary from the other side of the fence, so to speak.

Just for his and yours peace of mind I will also install a kids protection program on his computer....we use K9...it's free and took 5 min to install...it can be customize so you can choose the level of things that needs to be blocked out.....so it's not like some that makes it impossible to even use google!

I think that this is a good idea and to tell him to keep his preferences to himself. He's only 12; it is not like he needs to be engaging in sexual behavior with others. Also, I would tell him in a sensitive way that the girl is not interested in physical contact or romance with him.

I agree that when he is an adult, he can get on websites and contact people that share his interests if he is living independently and making his own way in the world. However, his actions are not appropriate in this context.

I also think that he might benefit from some sort of therapy or educational on how to properly interact with the opposite sex.

The two websites below sell some video modeling DVDs and CDs directed towards teens.

http://www.modelmekids.com/
http://www.socialskillbuilder.com/

They are not going to have anything related to sexual behavior, but they can help show cues for "not interested." I'm sure that there are better materials out there on dating for aspie teens.

The above tow links are on the "autism links" page of my free website, www.freevideosforautistickids.com.

There was another thread on a similar subject, I thought posters there made some good points: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt177604.html

The real issue here is not one of sexuality or sex, but one of boundaries. During sex-ed classes, people talk a lot about touch boundaries (i.e. which-touch-is OK, which kinds of touching are not,) but not how you go about getting consent for something private and consensual. I can see where a teen on the spectrum could be completely mystified as to whether something is appropriate or inappropriate - after all, I would guess that in his mind, he didn't touch her, and he isn't asking her to touch him in any of the ways that are described in a sex-ed class.

I think you may need the help of a trained professional to sort this out, not because he's "bad" or "creepy" but because the language and potential for misunderstanding here is extremely complex. The problem is, you want to find a way to get a professional involved without shaming him about his sexuality, but that still lets him know what he did wasn't appropriate; I'd ask (or have a parent ask?) the professional ahead of time how to explain the need for a session to your brother.

Maybe first of all, he needs a rule that a person's room and/or specifically their bed is a private place, and you can't go there or leave things there without permission (likewise the bathroom, etc.) Let the girl know she did the right thing coming to you, explain that your brother doesn't understand social rules and you are trying to help him - but that she should tell someone right away if anything happens that makes her uncomfortable.

I thought this was a good general article, but I don't think it offers info specific to this situation:
http://autism.lovetoknow.com/Sexual_Beh ... r_Syndrome

I knew joining this site was a good idea! Thank you so much for all of the input.

I keep thinking that having Bud live with our father will be most beneficial to him, especially since he is going through changes that I do not understand. The problem is that our mother doesn't want to just whisk him out of school in the middle of the year, which is something I respect and understand. It's just that the end of the school year cannot come soon enough for the poor kid.

Alllllllllll of your advice will definitely help us all to help Bud adjust to his pubescent changes, at least until he can go be with Dad and get that ever-important male input.

After I posted, I found this article, which I thought had much more helpful guidelines, especially about making sure the other person is receptive: http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/10 ... ation.html

http://www.amazon.com/Against-Law-Socia ... y_b_text_c

I found the above book on boundaries on Amazon.com. It got good reviews, and I put a link to it on the "autism links" of my website incase I ever need to buy it. (My kids have not yet reached puberty).

Its very true that he needs to learn boundaries but it is just as important that he learn about himself. As I said, this is a touchy subject but you have to consider that a 12 year old boy has emerging sexual feelings and it is useless to say "you cant touch other people" without him understanding why and why he has the urge to do this. Its all well and good to say you have to teach him that its inappropriate but this is a boy with Asperger's so it has everything to do with his sexuality. If he doesnt understand himself and understand that people are not just objects and that they have feeling of their own that may not be like his and that he can "hurt" someone else, then you are going to get no where with him other than possibly give him anxiety about his own sexual feelings and this could escalate into something more serious as he gets older. As I said before, please find a professional to talk to him because having the old talk with Dad about the birds and the bees just is not going to cut it.
There are a lot of Autistic boys and men who go to jail and juvy because they molested or raped someone.....this is serious. Its also even worse for your brother because he obviously has a "turn on" that he can actually practice and get away with without most people understanding that it is sexual in nature. I feel bad for these guys who are treated like criminals because as you say...people see them as "creepy" but maybe if someone would have helped them they would not have done what they did. They are not creepy they just do not understand their own feelings and how others feel this will come to a point where they could do something that gets them in trouble. Im sorry but its not creepy to have sexual feelings even if they may stem from something that seems "weird" to you.
Obviously you have already made him think that his feelings are wrong and I know that when you see something that upsets you its normal to react but try to see things from his perspective. In his mind you are telling him that his feelings are wrong and bad, that is going to set up a lot of anxiety and even build up more sexual tension.

Like I said, I have Asperger's and I have sexual feelings that are not considered normal and I was made to feel wrong and even more weird than I already did feel. It was like everything about me was wrong and it pushed me to attempt suicide. Please ask your parents to get him some help!

You can sort of view this as sensory seeking but considering his age I would say it has some connection to sexual feelings which I can see that you are aware of as you find it creepy. I used to snap rubberbands on my wrists and arms because I liked the sensation and it provoked sexual feelings. Anyway, I just hope you brother gets the help that he needs.

I agree with liloleme. The boundary issues do need to be taken seriously -- I've had a lot of fears about my son's inappropriate touching behaviors and what kind of trouble they might get him into. But this sounds to me very possibly like someone with an unusual paraphilia (a nicer word than fetish) and cutting him off from trying to understand it or learn more about it will only hurt and shame him.

Wow, seriously? I can't even believe they have youtube videos of that. (Wait, then again, I do.)

On a related note, yesterday I found several online sources of character education and health videos, DVDs, and teaching materials for teens. Some materials are free and some are not. Some of the materials discuss sexuality, puberty, sexual harassment, social skills, etc.

They are meant for use by school counselors, health teachers, etc., but anyone can buy them. The Schlessinger items from libraryvideo.com have closed captioning. I doubt if the materials discuss fetishes/paraphilias.

Anyway, the links are on the "autism links" page of my free website, www.freevideosforautistickids.com,

This is probably something his father should talk to him about. Boys are almost never accepting of anything their mothers, sister, or any other female tries to tell them about sex and a female attempting to talk to them about such things usually only produces embarrassment.