Feel like an awful parent today

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I am a parent of a adorable little five year old girl who was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS. She had a 30 minute meltdown today when she didn’t make a soccer goal (in a soccer skills class, not a team). She was crying and running away from me. I went to her and she’d run the other way. I tried ignoring and that didn’t help either. When she ran away from me at one point, I went to her to talk and while I was, I heard a man yell, “It’s called a spanking…USE IT!” Of course he was not looking at me in the eyes when he yelled that.

Normally, she gets upset if she doesn’t live up to her standards, but it’s never been this bad before. It was so hard to see, and I’m ashamed to admit it, but when I finally got her into the car (had to carry her, and she’s a very tall girl for 5 yrs old) I started crying. I just felt helpless. Normally, I handle these situations well, but the length and intensity of it, combined with a complete stranger yelling that comment really got to me.

I think her hating to fail is just her personality (type A, go-getter perfectionist)…but her reaction to it is a part of her diagnosis. Any thoughts on this? By the way, the Neuropsych who tested her said that she has symptoms of Aspergers, but does not fully meet the criteria, which is why she was diagnosed PDD-NOS. She lacks one obsessive interest.

We came home and she went straight to bed. The tantrum wore her out, combined with the fact that she didn't get enough sleep last night. What I've noticed is that she's more sensitive than most kids...that if she doesn't get enough sleep, it affects her dramatically...more so than neurotypical kids.

Aw, so sorry you are feeling that way. Makes me really angry about what that guy said to you!! You are NOT a bad parent, meltdowns happen. Typical 5 year olds are just learning how to control their emotions, so it will take a bit longer for your kiddo to master those skills. You are doing the best you can. I know how heartbreaking it can be. Just know that the parents on this board have all been through the same, and all have questioned their parenting abilities. It gets better.

a parent who hits is a failed parent. kids who are hit are angrier and more anxious than kids who are not hit. that other parent was bullying you just like he bullies his kids. someone to ignore as probably unteachable. so sorry you feel bad after what he said. picture him as a guy hanging out of the mental hospital window and hurling random insults. how seriously would you take that?

sounds like you handled a rough situation well. give yourself two "mommy" stars.

Funny, I just burst into tears yesterday when I got an angry "talk to the hand" gesture from my son after I asked him to do something. Mommy meltdowns after serious spectrum meltdowns are part of the deal sometimes; as long as you aren't losing control in other ways it's unreasonable to expect any parent to hold it together every minute.

I've also learned I wasn't doing my son any favors by hiding my feelings. I have to be very, very careful to ride the line between showing my feelings (something we are all conditioned not to do) and guilt-tripping him the way my mother did to me. However, I started to realize that if I didn't show how it hurt me when he was disrespectful, it didn't teach him the value of being respectful. DS doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't think about the consequences of his language or his actions sometimes. Something to think about with kids on the spectrum.

This stuff is really, really hard - especially when other parents can be so judgemental! I agree - Mommy pat on the back for you!

I think the a@@hole who yelled that would have gotten a strong talking to from me - if I could have safely diverted from the child to do it. Discipline a 5 year old for exhibiting uncontrolled emotion? That would be abusive. I guess he thought it was a "give me what I want" tantum (maybe he has no clue there is a difference) but even then his solution would be wrong.

Don't be ashamed of breaking down. Emotions happen, and our kids may as well know it.

Do talk to your daughter about why you went after her, now that it is over. While we usually know that our kids need to be left alone, that isn't always possible, and you hope they can integrate enough not to fight you.

Do use this opportunity to do a situational autopsy and help her work out her feelings, and also what would have been more approprite ways to express them - or all the warning signs that led to her losing control, so she can eventually take ownership of diverting the process.

I didn't hear a single "bad mom" action in your story,, btw, so don't feel bad about how you handled any of it.

PS - forgive the typos; I'm on my phone

That comment from that other parent also makes me angry. He had no right to say that.

I agree. I don't know how to manage comments and sarcasm so often I don't reply. I'm trying to find a way to answer this comments without becoming unpleasant.

You need to arm yourself with comebacks honey!
What happened does not make you a bad Mom....the jerk who felt the need to open his big ignorant mouth is the one should feel bad not you. I personally would have yelled back "Its called Autism, look it up"....but thats just me. Still you need some come backs for people who say nasty things or even things that arent so nasty like "Somebody needs a nap" to which I would say "I sure do".
I remember one time I was putting my kids in the car and there was a lady next to me with a newborn in a carry car seat and trying to wrestle her screaming two year old into his car seat and she finally got him in and turned around and looked at me. I said "Poor Mommy" and she smiled and said "Thank you, most people dont get it do they?"......no they dont!
Other people need to MYOB (mind your own business). You were and are a good Mom, you didnt cry because your daughter had a meltdown you got upset because someone was cruel to you. That guy is a class A bully and a chicken one at that because he wouldnt even look at you when he said it. Lucky for him I wasnt with you .

Thank you everyone for your support. It's been hard to come by nowadays, and it's nice to find a this community of people who get understand.

When he said that, I was extremely angry and shouted back, "My child has autism!" as a way of summing up what DW_A_Mom was talking about...how this wasn't a "I didn't get what I wanted" tantrum...more complex than that. His response was what got me. He giggled with his son (who looked to be about 14 or 15 yrs old), and then they walked into the complex with smirks on their faces, refusing to look into my eyes. The dad was smacking his gum. That's what really broke my heart....and the fact that dad is teaching his son to be disrespectful to people, and to bully.

It's just so awful that we were in a potentially dangerous situation. My daughter was running behind the building to be alone, but I couldn't see her and was afraid...so I'd go after her and she'd run the other direction. She also terribly wanted to join back in the soccer class, so she'd run back in the building...but wouldn't join the class...just stood close to where they were and cried. I stood by the door thinking she'd decide to go ahead and join, but she wouldn't. She'd run away again...kept going back and forth. It was the last soccer class for this semester and they were going to get a medal. The coach gave me the medal to put in my purse. I did, but when my daughter found out that he gave it to me to give to her, she grabbed it, jumped out of the car and ran to give it back to him...then she got back in the car and when I was driving away, she said she wanted to go back and get it. I just couldn't go back there, and I think the coaches left anyway. What a horrible day yesterday was. What a horrible man!

The person who needed a spanking was the one suggesting it.
It sounds like you handled your little girl's meltdown in the best possible way. So you shed tears, who wouldn't? We all get to that point sometimes. Doesn't help to have someone who is clueless calling out "helpful" suggestions. I had my share of what I thought of as "bad mommy" moments when my son was very young and not yet diagnosed, but we've since talked about it and put a lot of those demons to bed.
It certainly doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, except for being hard on yourself.

I think the guy was not just a simple jerk having a bad day. There is something seriously wrong with him. There is nothing in your description of what your daughter did that suggests she was doing anything wrong. It would think it would be obvious that she was having an emotional problem, not a behavioral problem warrenting any sort of punishment.

I just wanted to offer you some support because I think I know how you feel. My daughter, who is six years old, sounds very similar to your daughter. However, my daughter has not been formally diagnosed but she is seeing a counselor which has been really effective with her, so far so good. My daughter also has extreme perfectionism and has meltdowns because she could not do something exactly the way that she wanted to to it. My daughter, too, seems to be much more effected by lack of sleep, etc. than the normal child and putting her on a strict bedtime schedule has helped more than anything else so far.

I can empathize with your situation. We also has a bad experience with soccer in which my daughter had a huge meltdown because she was scared of the buzzer that they used to start and end the game and refused to participate at all. The stares from the crowd of other parents was all most unbearable. I can't imagine having to deal with someone who actually said something so rude. That person was obviously ignorant.

I just wanted to say that you are not alone and I know it hurts to have your child so misunderstood.

Blueskygirl, I wanted to offer you support as well and let you know that we all have these days and we get through them. My kid is only 8, but I'm a pro at having an aweful parenting day. But, I get through it and move on. You'll get used to that as well because at the end of the day, all the wonderful good parenting days make up for these.

<<BIG HUG>>

So a child does not necessarily need to have special interests and if they did, you would not necessarily know.

Had I been doing what your daughter did, my father would have told me "That's the way the way the cookie crumbles kiddo! You just keep on trying," and my mother would have told me she was sorry and that "Maybe you'll do better next time." Had my tantrum continued, my mother would have tried to coax me to the car with the prospect of making me some food at home, or taking me to get ice cream, and my father would have become short tempered, commanding me in a harsh but controlled tone and then he would have picked me up and taken me to the car. In between periods of silence, I might get scolding on the way home depending on my behavior, but my parents were fairly resilient to tantrums and they were usually only a minor inconvenience to them.

Children will have their tantrums. They will kick and scream and carry on, but eventually it will be over and the child will usually forget about it shortly there after.

Last edited by Chronos on 04 Dec 2011, 6:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Chronos, thanks for the reminder of the DSM criteria.

Of note, at first I didn't realize that my older son with classic autism met all of the required criteria and thought that he must be PDD-NOS. I didn't realize that his hand flapping qualified as a symptom.

I used to think that my younger son only met three of the four criteria, but now I realize that his repetitive licking and chewing on clothing (and occasionally other objects) would mean that he meets all four criteria.

It can be hard to figure out whether a child is PDD-NOS, HFA, or Asperger's. Ultimately, placing the child in one category or another may not matter as long as the treatment is appropriate.

Yes, it's so confusing to me. The way I've started to look at it is this....though I may be completely wrong...

that PDD-NOS is atypical autism and is merely a place-holder for either autism OR aspergers. If a 18 month old is diagnosed with pdd-nos, due to a speech delay, it just means that it's possible that he/she has Autism. If a child is diagnosed when they are 5 yrs old with pdd-nos, and they DID NOT have a speech delay, then he/she probably has atypical aspergers? (at least for now, although maybe not...maybe just on the day of testing).

I just say that because the Neuropsychologist who tested my daughter said that she has symptoms of Aspergers, but does not meet the full criteria...she does have stereotypical movements and issues with social reciprocity in conversation. Nonverbal communication does not come naturally to her. The Neuro said that in her case, the only thing it would be is Aspergers...since she never had a speech delay (was always ahead in that area), but I guess it's atypical aspergers, which is why she was labeled PDD-NOS?

I guess this is all for not, since in May of 2012 it will all these labels with be AU anyway...but the whole PDD-NOS thing just confuses me. I haven't even discussed any of this with my daughter, just because I'm so utterly confused by it.