other people just don't get it

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So my son had meltdowns at school the past two days. He is in a self-contained behavior classroom and earned the privilege of going back into one mainstream class. He chose science. At the ARD meeting I warned them that he would love going, but there would probably be more behavior problems as he adjusted. They kept saying, he will be fine. (ARGHHH I know he will be fine.) He adjusted great to the BAU room and has only had two small meltdowns in 25 days. (yeah, because there are no other kids, and a tight structure, with no extra sensory issues). So, the teacher calls, she is very nice, but she says Michael usually earns 30 minutes on the computer after he finishes his work, but I let him get on the computer early (so she could eat lunch) and told him he would have to get off when I finished my lunch so he could finish his work. He had a meltdown about getting off the computer. "He seems to get upset when he doesn't get his way." ARGHH, NO, it is not about that. You changed his schedule. When the class was added, it changed the order he did everything. He usually has completed all his work by lunchtime, and gets to work on other educational activities. With the addition of the new class, he now has work to do in the afternoon. To top it off, she let him get on the computer (his reward) before finishing his work. This was only one of about 4 or 5 issues that contributed to the meltdowns. I very nicely offered other possible contributions to the problem. She graciously accepted the ideas. However, I still feel like she just doesn't get it!

Anyone else get this?

I've done so much work with my kids and have been around them so much that I honestly don't think that anyone gets them like I do--teacher or not. At least the teacher is trying, which is a very good thing.

Oh, yeah, this makes perfect sense to me. My son is the same way and handles transitions poorly, even if they aren't unexpected like what you are describing.

People who are not used to spectrum kids really do not understand just how what they consider minor changes in a schedule can affect them. They themselves don't have the ability to get into a spectrum kids head. I guess you'll have to see how much she took of what you said to heart. Hopefully, she will minimize disruptions to his schedule and will see for herself what a difference it makes. Then if she backslides later you'll have her own concrete experiences to contrast it with.

Don't feel too bad, my DH still does stuff like this then wonders why he gets such a negative reaction from DS. It's good that you pointed out to her the contributing factors. Hopefully she learned something through the process and she can help prevent the meltdown when a similar situation arises instead of contributing more to it.

I just get so tired of the doubt and the not so helpful comments. I am tired of the reactions being written off as oppositional behavior as if he "chooses" to do this because he doesn't get his way with the implication of him being a spoiled brat. I get tired of hearing, "oh he will grow out of it." Yeah, he grows out of one thing and right into another issue. I get tired of "He's different because he is so smart." I am just tired of always defending my son, and my parenting choices. What do you do?

Wow maybe your son should not be spending so much time with this teacher. I mean I realise that is easier said then done if thats the program the school has him in but if shes that ignorant, she might not be the best person to help him.

Sweetleaf: oops, sorry. The teacher only made the one comment. The others are from various other people. It just builds up. Actually he is doing great with her. She really helps him calm down when he does have a meltdown. She doesn't hold grudges - each day is a new day. For the first time, yesterday, he was able to come home and really explain what happened, because she took the time to talk to him about it and help him figure out what all was stressing him out. She is a great teacher for him. Now I sound contradictory. She is patient and calm and teaching him great techniques to rethink, calm down, think positively etc. And she was open to hearing what I had to say. But, I still don't think she really gets it, really understands what being AS is about and how he really thinks differently.

No, you're not being contradictory - I find myself alternately defending our school and it's distribution of SPED services, and tearing my hair out at how they deal with DS. Had an IEP meeting not long ago where I tried to explain that DS didn't understand why he was kept in from recess and got "We know he understood, we explained it to him." GRRR!

However, they did in fact make some changes that I'd asked for, so I feel bad for being frustrated about it.

It is tiresome, I hear ya. You could try to provide the teacher some written material that might help her understand better. Like excerpts from Tony Attwood or something you find partiularly fitting for you situation. I would suggest if you do that to just photocopy a few pages and give them to her. Handing her a whole book to read or just title suggestions may not be very effective because it may be perceived as too time consuming. Anyone can make the time to read a few pages though. Of course that only addresses one single person. In the big picture, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves and how we react to what people do (or don't do). I think this is where more general autism awareness comes in to play. No offense to anyone but I'm a little sick of the "cancer awareness" crusades. Its hard to believe that there is a soul on this planet that doesn't know that cancer kills A LOT of people and makes a lot of people sick. Let's have awareness crusades about things that people truly do not understand, like autism and mental illness.

Remember most people have zero awareness about Aspergers or autism. I know before my youngest started showing signs of it, I would not have been able to tell the difference between an NT child throwing a temper tantrum and an autistic child having a meltdown. You have to admit, to the unitiated, they can look a lot alike. Hang in there, try to educate people when you have the opportunity to do so, fight the battles you absolutely have to and leave the rest of 'em behind.

League Girl, my son often gets upset when there is a good change; he doesn't like change at all - although often, since he logically understands the change is good, he will do something wrong deliberately so it seems he has something logical to be upset about.
Each kid on the spectrum is a little different.

I did watch the show Parenting, there's a scene where they find out the son has Asperger's and the Dad takes him to an amusement park instead of keeping him in school - and he has a meltdown (admittedly, the meltdown is triggered by a ride being inaccessible, but they make it clear that the antecedent was missing his school routine.)

You mean parenthood. Actually I thought Max got upset because the coaster wasn't working and his dad had promised him he could ride it.
He was flexible by going and handled it well because his dad bribed him so he would be flexible. At first he was inflexible and was getting anxiety when his dad was changing the schedule until he bribed him and then he got flexible.

Is it possible for an aspie to get upset about something but not know why the real reason they got upset was because of the other changes, not about what just happened? So if someone were to ask Max why he got upset at the theme park, he would probably say "because Dad promised me to ride the roller coaster and it was broken. He lied to me." Then his mother explains to him no that was not why he got upset, the real reason is because he was supposed to be in school that day and his father made him play hooky and that was a change in his schedule. So it's not because he thinks his dad lied to him because the ride was broken. It was because of the change in his schedule.

Yes, you're right, I meant Parenthood.

Yes, this is exactly what happens with my son - eventually, he's come to realize that schedule changes make a big difference to him, but he doesn't notice it until we go through the day and break it down for him.

He doesn't have as much trouble if we go through the changes ahead of time and he knows what to expect.

League girl: you are right, my DS doesn't get upset as easily when the change is to his advantage, but it seems it makes him more sensitive to minor other things. I really thought about this and even asked DS. He said he thought he was done with work, and although he heard her mention lunch, he did not connect that with time. He thought she was making him get off early to do more work and was losing 10 minutes of his time on the computer. It was "unfair" to him.