Sometimes I HATE my AS step-son

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This is mostly a vent, I'm starting to feel so hopeless and I don't know what to do. I made the big mistake of marrying an AS man with an AS son when I knew I didn't have any desire to be around kids. I figured it would be OK because my husband's son "Seth" lived with his mom thousands of miles away...only, right after we got married his ex-wife died unexpectedly and we got full custody!

Seth's AS behaviors set off my husband's. For example, my husband needs the house to be absolutely quiet and to have lots of personal space...my step-son needs to CONSTANTLY engage us and make non-stop noise plus jumps around or paces and has no concept of personal space. Seth is 11, has no friends, and gets all of his social interaction from us and even though we try so hard to help him be happy, he whines and complains constantly or else he argues endlessly with every single thing that we say. My husband and I both try to maintain positive outlooks on life but Seth always sees the negative in everything. It's like living with a black cloud and he's so stubborn and rigid...never willing to even try something that we think may make his life easier.

Our house is tiny and set up like one big room and so he is always right there. He has been living with us for 3 years now, and things seem to be getting worse rather than better. I have read everything I could find about AS and work endlessly to make things better for him, including setting up routines, defining acceptable behaviors and having consistent consequences for negative behavior etc. but it's like a never-ending amount of work and it feels like we're all headed in a big downward spiral. For one thing, it's impossible to change a child's..."personality" for lack of a better word, through either carrots or sticks (metaphorically speaking).

My husband is endlessly annoyed by Seth to the point of both of them flying into raging melt-downs on a daily basis..my husband and I lived together for 2 years alone, and he never had melt-downs when it was just the 2 of us. Now my husband is spending more and more time hiding in our bedroom (reading in bed) because he admits he does not want to be around his son. Then he feel horrible guilt and anxiety for feeling that way.

I get stuck in the middle but I also find myself yelling at Seth...sometimes screaming at him at the top of my lungs. This is *not* like me at all. I have never been an angry person, I am very quiet and in my own family, played the role of "mediator"...yet with Seth I find myself exploding with rage. I really hate him sometimes. I feel like he's ruined the perfect life I had with my husband and yet I know he has little control over his behavior and I feel sorry for him because he has no friends and is starting to get very low self-esteem (his parents hiding from him can't help).

I fantasize all the time about getting a divorce, only I still desperately love my husband and I know that he could not take care of Seth on his own, he'd completely lose it. And I would never do that to either of them. But I am miserable and my health is suffering for it.

And yes, we've all had counseling up the kazoo...there's only so much that counseling can accomplish...

I don't know if I have a question, I just wonder if other parents of AS kids ever feel like they just can't be around them, like the child is making their lives miserable or that they're angry at the child all the time? I'm feeling like such a failure right now!

It's sad that his mommy died I wonder if that's had an affect on him. I do feel sorry for you too. I wonder if you might be able to find someone in the family to help you out with him. I have an ASD little brother that sends my parents over the edge. They both have ADHD themselves and 3 out 4 of their kids including myself have autism. It's not the greatest family environment we are all on different playing fields so there's a lot of chaos. I can see why you're upset.

Can he sense that you hate him? I was able to sense that my parents weren't too fond of me at times and they loved my sister more.

Last edited by CockneyRebel on 06 Dec 2011, 12:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

sounds like AS is not the main problem. sounds like two introvert parents trying to deal with an extrovert kid, and a negative one at that. i might be negative if my mom died when i was young and i had no friends my own age. are there any social groups form kids with AS in your area. this kid definitely needs someone other than just you two to hang with.

Well I don't suppose the boy ever intended for his mother to die any more than you intended to have kids.

My questions are:

What types of behaviors are causing all of this tension?
Can you move to a larger house?
Is your step son enrolled in any programs for children with AS?
Does the father ever spend quality time with his son?

I agree my aunt died when I was 4 and she was like a second mom to me. I obsessed over her death until I was 13. My mom also felt guilty and spent more time worrying about my cousin than me. I can say that I never deeply bonded with my mom but I did with my aunt before she died. My mom didn't help by looking after my cousin more and completely ignoring me after the incident. I was noted by teachers as being a very negative and anti social child during my entire school experience. Now I've grown up into a depressed antisocial adult.

Hi Angel_ryan, we live in a really remote area and don't have any family who can help out. We did set him up with a Big Brother (from Big Brother's Big Sisters) but his Big travels a lot and doesn't call him very often to hang out.

CockneyRebel, I don't know, that's a good question. I don't hate him all the time. I actually really love him and would be devastated if anything bad happened to him...I just get so frustrated with him and with the situation at home. His mom was vegan and cooked a lot of healthy vegan meals for him so I try to cook vegan meals for him and tell him I love him a lot and give him hugs (when he wants them) and I try to explain how sometimes I get very upset and hate his *behavior* but that I don't hate him. I'm so not used to feeling angry that the emotion sort of overwhelms me.

cathylynn, you are right that both my husband and I are introverted and to make matters worse, we both have jobs that force us to be social all day so by the time we get home at night, that part of us just shuts down and Seth is still bouncing off the walls and wanting us to entertain him. I am not aware of any groups for kids with AS in our area, we live in a small isolated community (no roads in or out of town). His dad and I have tried to get Seth involved in different types of social situations but he's quit or been kicked out of all of them (Science club, lego robotics, soccer, etc.) My husband taught this one kid Seth's age how to ski so they could hang out together at the ski resort but then the kid moved away after one winter. Maybe we could start a social group for kids with AS....but I'd have no idea how to go about doing that.

To Step:

I do admit that was a pretty stupid question. I didn't feel that I was loved by my parents and I still have a few sour grapes about it. We are all products of our childhood environments and I'll think before I make my next post in the Parenting section or not come to this section at all. I apologize.

Wow that does sound difficult.

The behaviors that cause the tension:

- going on and on and on and on and on about his special interest while showing no interest in conversational reciprocity.

- pacing/jumping around in a very small area, jumping up on the furniture, grabbing randomly at our cats (making them hiss) running up to you when you enter the room and standing way too close.

- when he's on his laptop or working with legos or programming, he has to make some kind of noise, he either narrates his thought process including all of his frustrations with whatever he's trying to do...or he makes shooting noises, or high pitch squeaks, or hums or sings the same song over and over and over again on an endless loop...ask him to stop, he'll say "SURE" and start up again 5 seconds later.

- no matter what my husband or I say, he'll find a way to argue with us. We use logic with him, we're both logical people, but Seth will still find a way to drag a simple request out for 10 minutes by arguing and arguing. I think the arguing more than anything sends my husband and I over the edge. Also, because if you say "I understand what you're saying but I still need you to do what I've asked" he won't quit arguing, then I'll say "I need for you to stop arguing NOW"...and he'll keep arguing, and I'll say "Stop talking immediately" and he'll continue to argue, then I'll start getting louder and louder, telling him to JUST CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AND QUIT SAYING WORDS!! !! and it's like he is physically unable to do so, even when he knows there will be a negative consequence to it.

Can you move to a larger house?

I should mention that even though our living area is one big room, we have our own bedrooms. He has a nice bedroom with a lot of toys and a big desk for doing his homework and a train layout from when trains were his special interest...and he doesn't want to spend any time in there. He only wants to be where we are, so I don't think a bigger house would help and also, we can't really afford it.

Is your step son enrolled in any programs for children with AS?

No, because he hasn't been formally diagnosed yet. Everyone has been saying AS since he was 5 years old but my husband refused to have him evaluated. Finally this year he broke down and agreed to it because Seth is having so many problems in school and because his dad sees that he's not able to succeed with things the way they are. So, he's currently being evaluated by a nero-psychologist but I'm 100% sure that AS will be the diagnosis. Even after he is diagnosed, I don't know if there are any special programs for kids with AS in our town. I've been asking for years at the school and they've never mentioned anything like that.

Does the father ever spend quality time with his son?

Yes, he is very involved and does spend time going skiing, playing soccer, going to school activities, and just playing legos on the floor with him etc. but he has his limit and what sends my husband over the edge is when he spends so much time and effort trying to make Seth's life better and then all Seth does is whine and complain about everything.

That wasn't a stupid question... the thread of this discussion is "Sometimes I HATE my AS step-son" so asking if he can sense that I hate him is an honest question. I really hope that he doesn't think that I hate him. I'm afraid that sometimes my husband is too honest when he gets angry and says things like "this is why nobody likes you" or "you don't have any friends because you're an as*hole!". Even Seth's grandpa has called him an as*hole! It makes me feel really sad.

We had Seth in grief counseling for over a year but then he absolutely refused to keep going. Once he decides he won't do something, nothing on this planet will get him to change his mind.

That is very sad Angel-ryan and I should also mention that Seth was living with his mom and her brother and had been for 4 years. Seth's uncle was like a second father to him. His uncle was a rail fan and trains were his special interest for a long time. After him mom died, he was going to stay living with his uncle to finish out the school year before moving in with us, but then his uncle got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (his mom also died of cancer) and got sick very quickly and so he had to move in with us before the school year was over. His uncle died within a few months of his mother. In some ways, I think he misses his uncle more than his mom. I know it is so sad and unfair but what happened happened and I can't change any of it.

Last edited by Step on 06 Dec 2011, 1:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by nat4200 on 19 Apr 2012, 4:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

Have you tried ignoring him when he whines and positively acknowledging him otherwise?

Since it's obvious you don't have any idea how to deal with this (and really, who would?), my advice would be to get some help before it gets worse, and it will get worse. People with AS get hormones just like everyone else. Hormonal changes generally make people act up. A third party can help you gain perspective and find solutions.

The man-child lost his mother and has to live with you... and they say Aspies have no empathy. Try to put yourself in his shoes. He has no friends so he's starved for love but he's a burden to his parents.

I'm not trying to be hateful, it just comes out like that. I raised kids for 32 years and I'm going through a bit of a bitter phase. It always amazes me how people insist that having kids will be all flowers and sunshine when it's truly a lot of complaining, self-centered, whiny noise with crappy diapers and worse to clean up after.

I love my kids and I'd do it all again because it's worth it, but from the time they hit puberty until they left the house it was pretty much a nightmare of worry, stress, defiance and danger. They don't behave as you'd like. This is when they're trying to figure out who they are separate from you. A lot of kids think they need to make their parents the enemy to accomplish autonomy - and you're the step-mother. We've all been taught since birth that step-mothers are evil.

I truly wish you luck, and a good counselor. You've had a lot put on you that wasn't expected. It's not going to be easy.

Hi Peko,
Not exactly, I mean, I used to ask him "how was your day" but he'd just go on and on and on about how boring it was or how stupid so n so is, or how he doesn't like his teacher or whatever...so I started asking "What's something good that happened today" or "What was a project in school that you enjoyed" and every once in awhile he'll come up with something positive but mostly he still responds "nothing good happened today".

I'm a big believer in positive reinforcement so if he ever tells me something good or positive I'll ask lots of questions and seem really interested...if he is negative I won't ask questions...but that doesn't seem to matter. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter if I'm involved in the conversation or not...he just wants someone to listen to him...ya know?