Meltdown, over a potholder, really?!?!

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First meltdown of the day & I'm utterly confused. My DS just came flying into my room, saying that his sister was using a pot-holder to get her oatmeal out of the microwave. He was extremely upset, as it's not made for that, it's made to get stuff out of the oven. When I let him know that I didn't mind & that it was ok, he got even more upset. He said that it's not fair that she gets to do things he doesn't. I asked if he had ever tried to use it for the microwave & he said he didn't like it. So, let him know that he was welcome to use it for that purpose as well. He was mad. He stood there pouting angrily for a good 5 mins before I excused him to go sit to his room until he calmed down. He's fine now, but was still upset w/ his sister for a few.

This type of incident is normal for him, but this one really confused me. I don't understand the reasoning behind it. Any insight?

DD- 9 yrs old. Very clingy & attention-seeking! ADD -- Concerta once a day.

DS- 7 yrs old. ADHD & on Strattera every evening. Also on Risperdol twice a day. Currently checking diagnosis as previous diagnosis of ODD & bipolar is being questioned. Possible AS?

DH- 28 -- ADHD & OCD -- No meds. Father of both kiddos & mostly understanding.

Self- 29 -- Anxiety (mostly social) -- Currently off all meds until next doc appt. Doing well.

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Last edited by nat4200 on 19 Apr 2012, 4:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

We've discussed metal & why it isn't to be used in the microwave. Aside from that, there hasn't been a discussion. I'm really not sure why it seemed to be such a big deal to him.

Is he usually very literal minded and rules oriented? Kids on the spectrum are frequently like that.

He doesn't like it when given rules are altered or his sister breaks rules. He's pretty good about following rules that he remembers but we've found that he often breaks rules & then says he didn't mean to or forget. I find that odd as he has a very good memory.

Have you asked him why he got upset by it and why it was a problem his sister was using a potholder?

How is it being literal about how you use a potholder? I always thought they were for to handle hot items.

Since he breaks rules too, you can point out to him other people break them because they also forget or also don't mean to. Maybe that will help him get less upset about it.

I asked him why he was so upset & he said it wasn't made for that. He said that it's for when I cook & not for the microwave.

How did he get that idea?

Did you correct him by telling him potholders can be used for any hot items and that includes for using microwaves?

I'm assuming he thought that because I've never used them for the microwave. Yes, I informed him that they could be used for both.

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Last edited by nat4200 on 19 Apr 2012, 4:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

I already explained that she didn't break any rules, so I do feel it would only confuse him.

Does this boil down to a misunderstanding of the rule?

The rule is, tools (or household "things") must be used for their intended purpose. (typical rule in a family, i dont know if you have this rule, but we do) He has probably gotten in trouble for using a tool of some sort in a way that is unintended, possible? For instance, using a dish as a frisbee, anything like this? I know my boys have heard me squawk when they use my good scissors for chopping wood.

If you look at this very strictly, I can totally see that without knowing the full intended use of something, the rule could be trouble.

Honestly, I'm not certain. I know we've probably had the whole "it's not made for that" talk, but I can't remember what it was about. It's just harder because things don't click with him the way they do w/ our DD.

Sometimes we (My being and aspie as well) decide that certain items are for certain things. If he has never seen anyone use the potholder for taking something out of the microwave then he may think that this is the wrong way to use it. Take my son for instance (9, Aspergers), he will basically make his own rules, if he sees something being used that goes against what he "believes" is wrong then he is upset. Also the medication your son is on is actually an anti psychotic and he is also on a stimulant. Maybe talk to your doctor about the use of these medications. You son also may not be a morning person and may have more sensory issues in the morning, also did this happen before or after he was dosed with his meds....this may also have something to do with it. If he did not have his meds yet and his body is accustomed to them then he may be more agitated. Its hard to tell because I dont live with your son nor am I a doctor. This is something that you and your doctor or doctors should discuss as he is on very strong medication for a young boy.

My son makes his own rules, too.

A guess and only a guess: Potholder (literally)=holder for pots. Maybe he is OK expanding that to pans (both pans and pots are typically metal) makes sense to him and using it for bowls or dishes that are not metal confounds him? That and the fact that as other posters said using it for another appliance may be upsetting, too.

When he is calm, maybe talk to him in general about how somethings have other uses to them, and somethings don't and give him examples. If he seems calm enough you try reiterating that potholders have multiple uses, too.

Alternately if he likes science talk to him about insulators and conductors and that may placate him so that when you talk about potholders as insulators and the multiple ways to protect your hands with them.

Exactly what lilolme said. That's what I was thinking as I read your post. My son is younger than yours, but he makes up 'expectations' and 'rules' like that in his own head all the time. Basically, if he thinks something is supposed to be done a certain way--either because it usually is or because of his own sense of logic--it is very upsetting to him when someone does something different. I am guessing your son has deducted on his own that the potholder is only for ovens--unspoken and internal rule--so he got very upset when he saw his sister doing something he thought shouldn't be done.
My son is also very insistent on enforcing the rules we do have. Unfortunately, we are not a super structured family (we're working on some of that), and it probably drives him crazy. We do stick by rules, but we allow exceptions sometimes.

My son has thrown a fit over his sister not getting into the car through the right door (she got in 'his door' and climbed across to her seat. He wailed over it for five minutes, at which point I finally told him he can't control what his sister does. He said--'well, she's not supposed to do that.' And I told him it wasn't one of our family rules. He shouted back, "Well, it's MY rule!!" He still pouted the entire way to school. I can't tell you how much it helped my own level of frustration just to know he wasn't trying to be difficult, it really bothered him and the way he thought.

I bet if a number of parents shared some of the little things we get tantrums over, it may be reassuring to you to know our kids just share a similar way of thinking.