Can't read others

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I have a 9yo son. He isn't aspie, but does display some strong aspie traits. His strongest aspie trait: he seems to be completely incapable of working out when is an appropriate time to talk to someone. He seems to be unable to read the situations and/or the person's current state, and so will talk at vastly inappropriate times, eg, recently he started talking at (not to) my wife about something he'd done with lego, she was clearly quite upset about something, and when I questioned him on it he said "she just looks normal to me". Also social situations: I was playing guitar and singing to some people, they were joining in, and he just started talking to me in the middle of it.

How can I teach him to read signals as to when it's appropriate to talk to people? My understanding (and I could be wrong) is that it's more about him understanding intellectually, rather than truly grasping it the way "normal" people do. How can I teach this? Any good resources anyone can recommend?

And just to be clear, he isn't full blown aspie despite some strong traits. Eg he is very genuinely affectionate quite often. But he's also very pedantic about details, and is moderately obsessed with a few areas, not quite to the level I understand aspies often are. It's all a spectrum....

All hints appreciated!

If you have more important priorities than your son talking to you when he wants, you've pretty much failed at life.

You think a person with a AS brain canot be affectionate ? They might not have good timing or tact and he might have been trying to show it. And your son is 9 years old give him time to learn what's the rush ? Not reading other humans very well defines most of the so called impairment. How to learn it ? Trial and error lots and lots of times. learn is the most important word. On a basic level as clear as he looks at someone says to himself do they look like they want to be talked to ? learning the signs will take alot of time. Not sure how else to explain it.

I have the same issues with my 11 year old Aspie. He cannot read a good or bad time, nor when someone is not interested in what he is saying. He rarely talks to me, he talks at me. It sounds so rude to on-lookers and even to family. My family thinks I let him get away with too much. I try to stop and explain why it isn't appropriate and a better way to say it. However, I do get tired, I have to admit. It is exhausting without a doubt.

Once, when my son was 6, our dog was hit by a car (no external injuries) and was brought inthe house to look at him and see how he was. He was dying, my daughter was trying to give him mouth to mouth while crying so hard and loudly. I was crying, I was calling my husband on the phone explaining to him what happened and how he needed to get home asap. My son, who loved that dog like no tomorrow, was playing with his trains the whole time. When I stopped him to explain what happened he said "well, I guess i ahve one less chore". I was floored!

But, to answer your question, I have heard social stories are vrey good helping in this situation. I personally haven't tried them in a long time and probably need to do it again.

I have a highly affectionate Aspie, btw.

We've mostly done a lot of talk in this area, and the therapist is working with my son (14) on it in speech, doing role playing (but he says it is so exaggerated that transferring it to real life is hard). I think pointing it out as you have really is a key part of the process, and asking other family members to gently do the same.

wow, that's pretty mean. I didn't get that from the original post.

I have an aspie son who will talk at and over anyone so often. And I am working on this with him not because I don't enjoy conversation with my son, but because I want to help him to learn how to have respect for others so that he doesn't have a lonely future.

I also agree there is time, and it takes time but it's important that you are noticing and are looking for ways to work with this. If you weren't then people would complain that you're out of touch and raising a future problem.

I've found that gentle redirecting is best. My son is a little younger, 6 now, but we've been doing this for 4 years and we are finding results. There are times when he will even stop himself and say "Not right now right?" or "I guess we'll just wait and see?" so although some of these things may not be natural for your child, he can learn them and he can learn more socially acceptable behavior.

Patience and lot's of love are important, positive reinforcement is key, when you see him doing something respectful to another be sure to make a big deal of how awesome that was. And while modeling behavior is sometimes all that is needed for children, some need more instruction then that. Sometimes I will model a behavior and then bring what I modeled to his attention and explain why and how I did it and what the results are compared to if I'd done somemthing different. My aspie son want's to know the why of everything so he needs more then just the model.

Lately I've started using a few signs with DD for things like wait a second, or remember to say thank you. She has learned to say excuse me which is wonderful. It takes a long, long time to get these skills going. And yeah, aspies are affectionate on their own terms.

Parents are not expected to listen to every gem that children feel the need to speak. My son knows that I don't have the patience for the detailed lectures he enjoys giving. We've simply told him it is a "me" thing, and he is free to talk if he doesn't mind my not really listening. Seriously, do I really need to find room in my brain for all the details about the different worlds of Warhammer just because he enjoys them? NO. It doesn't mean I love or value him any less, it just means I don't value Warhammer. As adults out in the world making a living and being responsible for a family we don't have time to expand our universes into every crevice of entertainment like a child does; that sort of thing is a luxury, and while I am glad to allow him those luxuries in his life, they aren't the ones I choose for mine. My needs count, too. It is not a parenting requirement to check every last preference and need at the door the moment you give birth, even if it is a requirement to learn to balance those of someone else into the picture. But that is balance, not submersion.

Hand signals can work really well, yes. I'd forgotten that we used to do that extensively at that age. Gentle shoulder touches can work, too. Anything that you've worked out ahead of time with the child.

Thanks for your considered input Fraac. When my wife woke up 30 seconds ago, her eyes are still half closed and she can't even talk properly yet, and my son wants to tell her about the orbit of planets in great detail, yeah, I think she has higher priorities at that point, such as gaining full conciousness. Obviously you are a better person and kudos to you for that.

My apologies to those who I misrepresented aspies to. I admit I don't know a lot about aspergers, just the aspects that affect my son. It's been getting more pronounced lately. I don't think he's getting worse, I think it's more than as a young child you expect certain social faux pas, but by 9yo you expect at least the basics of social interaction to be mastered, but that's not the case with him so we are paying more attention to it recently. It will help him integrate into the world better.

missbilly30, thanks for your input. Sounds very similar (but your son is more extreme). The talk at you is definitely the case here, and yes, it is exhausting. I'll investigate social stories, thanks. Seekingtruth, likewise, thank you.

DW_a_mom, I literally lol'd at your post. Replace warhammer with transformers, and it's identical. We have taught him that he is into transformers, and that's great, but not everyone is. "Daddy is really interested in X, right? Do you want to hear everything about X?" "No" "Right, well you are really into transformers, and while that's interesting, I don't want to know everything." Sometimes I try "You have 30 seconds to tell me", and he responds well to that. He's slowly grasping these concepts. I think he understands it fully, just his brain doesn't always remind him at the right time. I like the hand signals idea as well.

Thanks all for your help. If there are any specific resources - good links or books or whatever, would love that. As I expected, no miracle cure and it's gonna take many years. Just want to be sure I'm heading in roughly the right direction.