Separation Anxiety Issues

Post Reply New Topic

Hi there! This is my first post, so I'll give you a little background info...

My husband is an undiagnosed Aspie, he was almost finished with his evaluations when the local clinic that did evals for adults decided to shut down out of nowhere. He only had one last appointment, the one which would have given him his diagnosis, before they shut down. Without being official, everyone agreed with the initial idea of him having it.

My son, now 3 1/2, was diagnosed at 2 with High Functioning Autism/Asperger's. He fit the diagnostic criteria for both disorders, the one "uncommon" part of the regular Autism diagnosis was the fact that he was talking in complete sentences by 15 - 18 months old, though he had enough other language deficits to still get him the full ASD label.

Anyway -- it seems as if his development has always seemed a bit bass ackwards... he's really ahead in some areas and about a year to 18 months behind in others. The issue we're having at the moment is with separation anxiety.

At 12 months - 24 months, the period that toddlers typically peak in their separation anxiety, Ryan could have cared less. We did have issues at one particular daycare center (he went two days a week while I was in school), but we found out that it was the teacher causing the problem. Well, by his 3rd birthday, he was doing great -- going to bed on his own, getting up in the middle of the night to potty without needing to wake me and going back to bed by himself. I was able to leave him with my husband to go to the store, etc without him fussing. He LOVED spending the night with my mom and when we would get there, he would just look at me and say "Okay, Mom. Bye. See you tomorrow."

Fast forward a bit... in August, he started full-time Pre-K through the school system with an IEP and in a special-ed room. He LOVES school. He LOVES riding the bus. He actually gets upset with me if I have to take him or pick him up for whatever reason... not tantrum-upset, just matter of fact, "I don't like it when you take me. I like the bus better." type stuff.

BUT all of a sudden, we were thrown into this terrible separation anxiety with everything else. He is extremely clingy to me at home, refuses to even be one room away from me in the house. He now tantrums/sobs if I leave him with my husband or my mom or anyone, even if it's just for a quick 10 - 15 minute trip to the corner store and back. He still enjoys sleeping in his bed, but he won't lay down unless I"m in there... and if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he starts crying this terribly frightened-sounding, heartbroken cry if I"m not in bed with him. When I come into the room, he just clings on to me like he's never going to see me again.

We've tried social stories. We've tried published kids books (Llama Llama series, which he loves, etc). We've tried building up his resolve by doing quick (fake) trips where I leave and basically just drive around the block and I'm back. But now it's been four months since all of this started, and it seems like it's getting much worse instead of better.

Now -- even though we're having major separation anxiety issues, there is still no stranger awareness whatsoever. He happily chats up and hugs on just about everyone who will let him no matter where we are. So I don't think that it's a sudden awareness of "this is my mommy. that isn't." which is the typical for an infant/young toddler.

I honestly think that for some reason, he doesn't believe that I'll be back if I leave. He tells me as much, and the fear and just heart breaking sobs that come from him when I leave seem to point to the same conclusion. But I don't know what to do to try and help him. It's really starting to bother my husband that Ryan all of a sudden doesn't "want anything to do with" him. And well, it's getting increasingly difficult for me to try and get anything done around the house, keep up with my school work, etc.

We've tried rewards... even big huge rewards and things that are totally tangible and sitting right there waiting for him (since I know the abstract of "a trip to the toy store" or whatever can be hard for any 3 - 4 year old to understand, much less one who has trouble with abstract thought anyway). If it's something he doesn't want to do (like sleep without me, or stay home while I run to the store), he just flat out refuses and says that he doesn't want whatever the prize happens to be, even if it's something that he REALLY loves/enjoys.

I'm just at a loss, I don't know if this is normal for Aspie/HFA kids, I don't know if he'll outgrow it, I don't know what is triggering it in order for me to work on rebuilding whatever needs to be rebuilt, and it's really starting to affect our family in a lot of negative ways and I'm terrified of "permanently" affecting him some how. :/

Has anyone else gone through this before? What did you do to help the situation? Do you have any advice at all?

Thanks!

Erica

Our kids go through a different schedule on developmental milestones. It may just be that he is just now entering the separation anxiety phase that most kids go through at age 2. That said, however, my daughter has extreme separation anxiety and always has so this may just be the way he is. I think it's a very good sign that he previously wasn't anxious-that leads me to think it is just a phase that might pass.

All you can do is give them lots of reassurances that they are ok and that you will always come back. The most important thing in my opinion is to never push him into a situation that causes anxiety, thinking he will push through it with controlled desensitization. This would severely backfire with my daughter! Take the anxiety extremely seriously and honor his reluctance-anxiety is a very REAL physical phenomena that causes REAL physical symptoms and should be handled with care. FYI, physical manifestations can be increased stimming, stomach aches, headaches, dizziness, etc.

Welcome to WP!

Since it has started all of a sudden at a late age, I would make sure that nothing else is going on that could be upsetting your son.

Has there been a change in caregivers or teachers? A change in medication? Stress in the home?

Maybe you can talk to the teachers at school about it or observe the classroom one day to see if you can figure out if there is some source of stress for him.

My four-year-old had terrible separation anxiety also, but it started early.

Before he got on meds (Prozac for day and Clonidine for night), his anxiety-related behavior would get better and worse depending upon what was going on in his environment. (Didn't like daycare=lots of stimming. Removal from the daycare=less stimming. Mommy busy a lot=more stimming. More attention=less stimming.)

1. You can't meet criteria for both disorders. If you meet criteria for autistic disorder (AD), it trumps meeting criteria for AS, and so you have AD.

2. I think this is a normal part of development that he's going through a bit late. This is totally normal for ASD kiddos.

3. I don't think you're anywhere near considering meds. He's SO young, and this could just be a phase.

My daughter went through a separation anxiety phase at 5 when she started getting an idea of the meaning of death. It's mostly passed. Kids can make some strange connections sometimes. I'd second checking what's going on at school. I'd also be careful of what's on tv.

Hi

My son is about your son's age and had this issue. I could not even take out the trash without him screaming at the front door!

All of a sudden a few months ago, this stopped. I don't know why and I didn't do anything special. He also seems to be finally developing stranger awareness. I think something may have just clicked in his head.

Sorry I can't really offer any concrete advice for you but I wanted to share my experience.

Can you ask him what is bothering him so much?

I'd say you're probably right about him feeling like he's never going to see you again when you leave. When you first start getting glimpses of how wanton and cruel life could be - even in a form you might not think would make that big an impact, like it dawning that meat is dead animals and most people don't care enough to not eat it - you realize that disaster can strike at any time, and any separation very well could be forever. That was my thought/feeling process when I was your son's age and why it was unbearable to have my mom/sister/whoever out of my sight.