How to help change negative behavior?

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My 7 yr old son is an aspie. He has a lot of issues we are working on, including severe school anxiety. He is having frequent meltdowns in part because all of his "reserves" are being used just trying to get to lunch at school. I am trying really hard to catch them as they start and redirect. His meltdowns can get quite violent and destructive so I really really want to avoid them. However, when he is on the verge of a meltdown, anything little thing will cause him to lash out - either by calling us names or throwing something or hitting. These behaviors are obviously not acceptable, but he is beyond reasoning at the point they occur. Any attempt to discipline him causes a total meltdown. I do remove him from the situation, help him calm down (restraining him if necessary so he does not hurt himself or someone else) and once he is calm, I can talk to him about it. But I would like these pre-meltdown behaviors to stop. He needs to learn how to communicate that he is upset and needs my help without lashing out physically. How can I help him learn to control the way in which he reacts to stress?

He does have a bin that contains sensory toys, calming items, etc. I try to get him to get this and sit next to me to use them to calm down, but the usual response is a quite adamant "that won't help."

For us the answer has been to figure out what happens before the before behaviors and mitigate those stresses. So maybe the sensory toys were needed before you noticed they were needed.

For us, school was just so stressful, our DS was always just on the verge. We have only seen him with no meltdowns since we started homeschooling.

For now, I would look at the negative behaviors as important communication, start journaling what as going on prior (what was the noise, activity, food, light, temperature....), you may find the key to the stressors. I don't have a child that says this is too loud, I'm gonna have a meltdown. It took journaling to figure him out. Btw - we are about 6 months from the last meltdown.

We have the same problems with our 6 year old aspie son. He used to try to hurt himself, caused himself enough damage to be bleeding several times when he was younger but started teaching him yoga and meditative breathing techniques to get him to calm down. Also worked with the How Does Your Engine Run program.

Now we just give him some verbal cues when he's just starting to ramp up and he can calm himself down using either the Engine program or meditative breathing. He even has a meditation chant that I use that he asked to learn last summer, I taught him and one night before going to school he was having a lot of anxiety about school and then he just stopped and said to me "You know what mommy, I'll just say my Om mani padme hum if I can't handle it, that always calms me down." So he's got some 'tools' that he can draw on by himself and that give him much needed self confidence.

So try to find something that calms him that he can do himself and then keep reminding him when he needs to use them and eventually he'll remember on his own.

another thing, as the deep breathing is a really great calming technique, is we have a PC game (works for mac as well if that's what you have) that teaches kids how to calm when they need to or raise heart rate if they're feeling lethargic. It's a training game and it works very well. It's called The Journey To The Wild Divine - The Passage. It's a biofeedback game and you have little sensors that you put your fingers into and you move through the game by lowering or raising your heart rate through your breathing. It's a way to learn how to control anxiety and learn to work with your body. My son LOVES video games, so this was a great teaching tool for him.

Are there any sensory or fiddle toys that help him? Are they tactile or oral?
My daughter (6 year old classic autism) likes both and she likes squishy things and both my kids (9 year old aspie son) have oral sensory needs. We have found the best chewies are the Kid Companion chewies, they come in ones that clip to a shirt or a necklace http://kidcompanions.com/
If you son is an aggressive chewer like mine he will chew through them but I buy them anyway because it takes him awhile (several weeks) to totally destroy one...also if he likes to chew on fabric by extra of those as well. I like them because they are washable and they fit both of my kids oral needs...I also get these for my daughter because she likes to pull and stretch them http://www.nationalautismresources.com/chewelry.html so they are both tactile and oral/motor. We also put squishy toys in my daughters pockets. I buy all our other sensory toys at Office Playground http://www.officeplayground.com/ because they are the best and the cheapest. My son loves the magnets they have there and I just bought them some stress balls that smell good....my daughter has one that smells like orange and my sons smell like lime for extra olfactory sensory needs.

Also, like I said in another post we have a token system and we usually use this as a reward system but I dont tolerate hitting, biting, kicking, throwing things or any other physical violence so I will take tokens away for that and we do not hit our kids because you teach by example. My kids have rarely lashed out at us or each other for about a year now. My daughter used to pull her hair and hit her head on the floor but that was when she was still non verbal and very frustrated with no way to communicate to us. Our token method (or you can use stickers or whatever) works this way: we give them each a token every day if they pick up after themselves...put their plates in the sink, pull the blankets up on their beds, put their shoes, backpacks and coats in the right place (we have a place by the door) and their clothes in the hamper. If they want something at the store (a toy ect.) then we tell them how many tokens they need to purchase what they want. My daughter does not quite understand this nor does she ask for much but she wants her tokens and if she has enough tokens I will offer her something at the store and she understands that. If they do not get a token or worse....Loose a token then it is a major deal for them. So if they are violent we do take away tokens...we will continue until they stop. It has come to a point where they have no tokens left and the loss of tokens cause worse screaming and/or hitting so then we put (mainly my son who has this issue) in his room and tell him that the timer does not start until he stops. However he has learned to stop after we take the first token now.r Im not saying this will work for you but it works for us. I have also taught my kids relaxation methods like the post above. Deep breathing and we also have found that using the right wording and the right tone of voice works, especially with my daughter. If you are more firm you will get better results than yelling and also you might try to keep things simple when speaking. I have Asperger's too so Im very sensitive to the way people talk to me. I know its hard to keep calm sometimes but its more affective. Also if he responds well to your squeezes or as you said (restraint) you may want to try a weighted blanket, lap pad or a weighted vest. Also try to find out what is going on at school. We are having issues right now with my daughters school and we are hoping things will be better after the holidays when she goes back as the therapy center is going to add more assistance including spending every Friday afternoon to help her aide who does not know much about autistic children.
Its really important that we teach our kids not to be violent or when they are older and larger than we are in a lot of trouble so we have made this a priority at our house. I have adult kids as well so I know that they grow up fast!

Thanks for all of the suggestions!