Transitioning to Adulthood

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I'm NT, and live in the California Central Coast area. My wife's son from a previous marriage turned 18 and finished high school recently. He's had various diagnoses at different times (Schizophrenia, Asperger's, Autism), none of which seem quite right. He generally lives with his Dad and Step Mom down in the San Diego area, but he's up here visiting for the holidays, mostly in an effort to give the Step Mom a break. She's having a tough time managing him, and she's no slacker (she has a Master's in Education).

Dad agreed to pay for college courses as long as the kid maintained a B average. He was doing well for a semester, but last semester he stopped showing up to classes and of course failed half of them. He's capable of doing the work and getting the grades if someone manages his time for him and directs him to do things like homework. His excuse for missing classes was that he "got distracted" and "lost track of time" playing on the internet. While he's up here he'll happily become engrossed in some forum web site or another, sometimes staying on the computer from the time he wakes up until 5AM. Yesterday I learned that his Dad and Step Mom cut off the internet from 10PM to 5AM, which is when they're sleeping. During the day they go off to work, and he's on his own to manage his day.

He's tried a few job interviews, but generally does poorly. His social skills are poor, and he often says inappropriate things, or goes off on odd tangents that are only vaguely grounded in reality. He often speaks out a louder volume than necessary. I've had him help me around the yard. He follows direction ok, but takes instruction incredibly literally, misses details, and does not handle unforeseen circumstances well. His brother in law is teaching him to drive a car, and he recently failed his drive test (he got too stressed, because he woke up late and they yelled at him for it). Out of curiosity I've had him drive me around a few times. He doesn't do well, and will often take an instruction literally without regard to safety concerns. For example, if I tell him "Turn right at the next light" and the light is red when we get there, he'll slow down for the turn, but roll right through it (no stop). If I tell him "turn left at the next intersection" he'll focus on the turning, without stopping if there's oncoming traffic.

I don't honestly think he's safe to drive, and I don't honestly think he'd be safe in a blue collar job (e.g. construction). He's not skilled enough for a white collar job, and I honestly don't think he'd have it together enough to show up on time every day if he got one.

I'm not sure I trust any of the diagnoses I've heard, because when I look them up they only seem partially right. And of course I've only known him for the last few years, so I don't think I see the whole picture. Things I do know... He learned to speak late (like 3 years old). He wasn't completely "potty trained" until age 12. He has a problem with Trichotillomania (hair pulling). He lies (and he's a really bad liar) when he thinks he's done something wrong. His style of speaking is contrived, formal, and tries to incorporate too many long words. He's clumsy (frequently walks into door frames). He doesn't have conversations with people so much as one sided monologues at them.

He often talks to himself if he thinks he is alone and no one can hear him. I've tried to listen in, and most of what I hear is what my wife calls "laser battles". Lots of "pshw pshw" noises as in science fiction movies, with some unintelligible dialog thrown in. Apparently he started doing that after seeing Star Wars for the first time.

But there are things he does that don't fit the classic diagnoses I've seen. He does tend to point out things he finds interesting to other people. He often asks to check and see if his responses in social situations are appropriate, and seems embarrassed if he suspects they might not be appropriate. He doesn't seem to be rigid about routines. He never did any "hand flapping" behaviors. He's not completely disassociated from reality; his odd ramblings will make some amount of sense if you have the patience to listen and pull apart what he's trying to say.

In the end, I'm not sure the diagnosis matters. What matters, I think, is his long term prognosis, especially with respect to holding a job. I'm not going to support him, and I suspect his Dad won't be interested in supporting him too much longer either. I don't want to see this kid holding a sign on a streetcorner and sleeping under a bridge, but I'm not about to take care of him for the rest of his life. We suggested to his Step Mom that they get him on disability or something, but I don't honestly know what sorts of programs or monies are available for kids like him.

Thoughts and advice? I just don't know what to do.

I live in San Diego, and have seen a new program for transition to adulthood advertised on the local support boards. It's run by a local community college. Here's a link:

College Living Experience

No one fits every diagnostic criteria on a list and he sounds very much like an ASD 18 year old to me.

What you all need to do right off is drop this idea that he can take on the level of responsibility of other 18 year olds. From your description, he isn't 18 with life skills, and that is not uncommon when ASD exists, but that doesn't mean he never will be. What you all have to do is buy him the luxury of a little extra time, assume until he is 25, to figure how to either self manage or find living situations where there are others to help. And his family has to continue to help him learn.

Executive function is a common ASD impairment and that is why he can't get to classes without help. Members here use all sorts of work arounds to deal with this sort of thing, but developing those and turning them into habits take time.

Meantime the best thing for him is to continue his education and work on marketable skills.

Imagine if a 12 year old was forced to live up to modern expectations for an 18 year old. He couldn't do it because he wouldn't be there developmentally, and to write his life story based on that failure would be short sighted and foolish. That is how I feel about deciding your step son's future based on what he can do today. He needs continued support to finish developing towards his potential.