Son in denial about having Asperger's

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We are neurotypical parents of a 15 year old son. We told him that he has Asperger's. He refuses to accept it. He will not engage in any conversation about it. The worst part of it is that in his desire to be like others, he refuses any assistance offered to him at school.He spends a lot of time online and playing games. He has a few "friends' at school and enjoys playing rugby. I mentioned this website and the article in the NYTImes, but he turns off. I am worried that he is ashamed of having Aspergers.

You should force your beliefs on him and alienate him with information that makes him feel disabled.

Just for funsies: if you had to choose, which of you and your husband has Aspergers?

Why are you posting in parenting if you are specifically trying to be unhelpful?

I think it is going to take him time to process it. I would suspect he had developed his own explanations for his differences, and a strong sense of self (for better or for worse), which, unfortunately, this information seems to conflict with. Reconciling all that will be something he has to do in his own time and in his own way.

My son has known since he was 7, so it has simply become part of his identity. I think it is harder when someone finds out later, unless the answer comes from their own search, in which case it can be a huge relief. But, still, it will be better for him long run to have this information. He's just going to need time.

I have a threshold of wrongheadedness beyond which I can only respond with sarcasm. Raised a good point though. Two parents that mindblind with an autistic son...

When I was his age there wasn't an AS diagnosis. I'm 47. If someone had told me I had it, I probably would have reacted just like he is reacting. I knew that I for some reason wasn't like the other kids, and would have given my rght arm to be like them. I finally met a group of friends who accepted me as I was but also helped me become more "normal". They understood that I had to learn things that came naturally to them. They didn't force it on me, I wanted it.

I forced myself to hide my fears, push through severe discomfort both physical and emotional, learn to go with my best guess about what was socially proper, etc. I'm very uncoordinated and practiced for hours and hours, falling or painfully hurting myself to learn how to ride a bike, hit a ball, play basketball, twirl a baton. Anything to be "normal".

He's reacting normally to something that he doesn't want to be true. Unless he is having pretty severe difficulties, or difficulties that are causing him emotional problems, do not push it on him. Don't bring it up again. If he is getting by at school, even if only D's and C's but not getting pushed around and beat up or bullied, then don't try and get him special help there. To someone that age, it can be social death and at that age, to many kids, myself included, a life flipping burgers or pumping gas for a living because doing poorly in high school is preferable to being thought of as different.

I'm not saying don't help him in ways that you can. I'm saying let it lie for right now. You said he's got friends, likes video games and plays rugby. He's doing a lot better than I was at that age. Yes, you know he's got it, but it's not something that he will suffer physically without treatment for. It's not like he's refusing treatment for something that must be treated immediately. Let him adjust to it himself before you mention it again to him, is what I would say. I didn't know I had it until a few years ago, and I did just fine. It simply explained some things to me about how I think and react.

How was he dignosed? Was he going to a therapist for ADHD or something and this came up? Did his therapist who diagnosed him not explain it to him, and if so, how did he react to the dr?

Good luck with this, but seriously, I wouldn't push it. He doesn't want anything to be different about himself and he may see this as something that means he cannot overcome any problems he may be having. That couldn't be further from the truth. If he eventually does discuss it with you, let him know that there are many of us in my age group who never knew we had it until middle age and we did just fine. He doesn't have to be treated differently, or tell anyone at all that he has it.

Hope this helps!

I.e., never mention it again until he does, even if that takes years.

My son was diagnosed at the age of 6. I don't believe that he is disabled. I believe he has a different perspective on things at times. To me it's like living in a different culture than your own, You have to learn some of the rules and behaviour of that culture. It helps to have a guide at times. We do not "force' anything on him. I do believe that if he could come to terms with having Aspergers, he might have an easier time of it.

Hmmm...

This is just an offer, but maybe he could email me and I can set him straight?

Kidding. Just tell him how you feel. Teenagers are angsty at my age.

More information and context would be helpful, as I think the advise would depend on that.

If your child doesn't feel any buy in and he just feel like you are telling him things you think are wrong with him, that is apt to make him feel badly. If he is a willing participant in the process, he is still going to have to process it.

I am remembering how I was at 15, and unless this was presented at a good time in a careful way, by my Aspy parent, (not my NT one) I would have reacted this way, too.

my family has 3 autistics; a 5 yr old dx at 4, a 40 yr old dx at 39, and a 15 yr old dx at 14. to the 5 yr old, its part of who he is. the 40 yr old has gone through many emotions, including anger and depression, at finally knowing why hes had so many problems all his life.

the 15 yr old tried to deny it. even when he was being evaluated, he said he didnt want to know if there was something "wrong" with him. we stressed the idea that autism is a difference and not something wrong. after the dx, he refused to believe it for quite a while. its been 11 months since the dx and he is accepting it more and more. there are some aspects that he doesnt want to talk about, and some hes fine talking about. teenagers are all about peer relations. they dont want to be different, disabled, or anything that makes them not typical. plus, autistics dont like change, and learning you are autistic is a pretty huge change.

i think if our oldest was still refusing to talk about it, i'd make him a deal. we sit down and discuss it once, then let it be until he chooses to bring it up again. i'd use that one time to talk about the ways that his traits fit into the common autistic traits, the positives of autism (maybe hes detail oriented, a rule follower, honest to a fault, etc), and ways that together we can work to make the hard things easier. then let it be and give it time to sink in.

if i had to choose, i would always go with the earlier the better for disclosure. thats why we told our youngest just after his 5th birthday. the earlier it is, the easier for them to assimilate it with who they are. they dont even have to be old enough to fully understand it, as they grow they learn more and more about what it means. the knowledge grows with them, rather than it being a challenge to their sense of self later on.

may i ask when you first told him about the dx? was it when he was dx at 6, or just recently?

When I found out about mine a few years ago, it didn't really bother me. I already knew who I was, and even though I don't always have great self esteem, I was aware that in general I'm a pretty great person. I was very aware that I didn't like a lot of things that most people like, I was aware that I overreact to a lot of things, that I tend to get very defensive over nothing, that when things are unfair I will fight tooth and nail to get that recognized. I thought it was just "me".

Well, it was lol!

But, I also learned about meltdowns and why I have them. I learned about what things bring them on and techniques to use to help prevent them as long as possible or at times, alternate ways to deal. I have less meltdowns now.

I learned that I process things differently and that just because I feel like something is the worst thing in the world, doesn't mean that it actually is, that it's a "faulty feeling" that I'm having. That I am blowing it out of proportion. Many times, I am able now to make myself stop and purposefully think about something else, and set a time later on to think about the problem, after my initial upset is over with. I now know that it's just how I think, not how things actually are. I know WHY I think that way, and I know it's a LOGICAL OUTCOME of the AS, and not simply "Frances being dramatic" which is how it's always been seen.

Maybe telling him that he can learn ways to rethink about certain things that cause him trouble will cause him to do some research into it himself.

I have a 10 yr old son and I'm having similar concerns. I've briefly tried to talk to talk to him about some of the challenges I know he's going through. I don't really know how to go about explaining a diagnosis to him-or how to let him know that I have an IDEA of what he may be feeling on a daily basis. I've thought of explaining Aspergers to him by exposing him somehow to other kids his age or older who have some of the same traits. He already goes to a social group weekly at the place he goes to OT, but they don't concretely say, "These kids are like you. These kids have aspergers." and I don't know if he feels any kind of likeness to these kids. I want him to feel a part of something, like I see some of the older people with aspergers sharing stories. Right now he's isolated.
The best advice I've received today was from "fraac". So for now, that's the advice I'm going to take.

It seems to me that you are making assumptions that don't come from the information in front of you, and I would suggest that those assumptions have you reading things wrong.

And even when you are right, it doesn't really help the child if you scare the parents away from here.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 27 Dec 2011, 11:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't have a problem with this for a 15 year old who has just heard about AS for the first time.

But, for parents considering telling a younger child: TELL THEM. The kids can see they are different, and will develop their own explanations, which will probably be wrong and create unnecessary walls. While teens react unpredictably to the news, younger kids are generally very accepting of the idea that "their brains work differently" and "there is a name for it." I've heard nothing but good things from families who have told their children young. That is ALWAYS my recommendation.

We told him about having Aspergers when he was about ten years old.