Help again, please

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I really need some advices about how-to -come- with-my-teenage-as-son.Here it is:
I really don´t know how to comunicate with him.I try to talk to him, usualy he doesn´t feel that way so he is eithe silent, or starts talking to himself repeating my words, or he tells me to f*** off and to get out from his room. "I´m not interested in you or your words", he says.
What to do?Get angry?Sometimes honestly I do, so much I can picture myself kicking him and screaming, but I go out, full of anger and usualy the rest of the day is ruined.
Or, I bring him breakfast to his room, thinking he likes to be left alone. He takes cheese and throws it to the wall.Take away the rest of the breakfast?Not give him breakfast next time?
We see him all the time in the house, no friends,he had a period of selfagression, it was awful (fortunately stopped),he goes to highschool, but it´s flexible programm, he can study at home, we think it is great, he doesn´ t say anything, although,even reluctantly, we went to school three times so far and successefuly passed exames.
About socializing...should one, or even can one, force it?
About poor concentrating...we tried meds, don´t work, he is allergic.Olanzapyne almost killed him.
Too much energy...we think the key would be proper way to spend it but how?He can´t be dragged out to do some sport or excercizing.
He spends three hours in the bath tub, in the dark, says he is thinking things over.Should we let him?
And so on...please dear friends, any thoughts?

Love, mamamoo

Mamamoo, I don't have many suggestions right off the bat but I wanted to commiserate with you. My dd is only 12 but I find some of the same things are true with her.
Fortunately, there are occasional things she enjoys doing with me--going out for lunch or to a movie. She used to ask to do them, and now she doesn't, but I try really hard to find time and money so I can suggest them occasionally. (It often has to be planned a week before.)

I don't think you can force socializing; it seems to backfire. My dd used to be almost obsessive about seeing friends and inviting them over, but now she is much more withdrawn. Once in a while I suggest bringing someone along to do something, because doing activities together works better than just "chilling" together.

J.

For communication, Maybe you could go out with him to do some sort of activity you both enjoy? Like, Rock climbing, Visiting an art gallery?

If he does open up even a little bit, You could explain to him how you feel. Tell him how much you love him first and then explain how you feel hurt by the way he treats you. Empathise as much as you could and listen to what he has to say.

Hope it helps.

I think that Aspergers paired with adolecense can be hard. (duh, Georgia) He may need extra time alone with his thoughts, but have it explained to him how it makes others feel. Not that he should feel bad about wanting to be alone, just that you as his family are concerned about him.

What comes to mind as an idea to try. (may sound wierd)

Make a graph/chart with columns on a piece of paper. One column titled "action" --what are the actions that he displays that distress you. (this would not be criticizing him as a person or the way he feels) For example: hurting himself, throwing food, staying locked away in the bathroom, swearing at you.

The next column could be titled "effects". Here you could list how each action effects the family unit as a whole.
For example, throwing food or cursing you out sends a message that he doesn't respect his family or place in it. (this is just my interpretation for what its worth)

A third column could list "alternatives". What are ways that he can express himself that get his needs met that are not distressing for the family? For example: If he doesn't want to eat he can say, "no thank you." If he doesn't want to talk, he can say "I need space." If he's angry at you he can say, "I don't want to talk to you right now."

If there is a third party (school psychologist or special educator) who could have this conversation with him one-on-one, it would probably feel less like he's being ganged up on. This other person could also advise on how to follow through, like with making a list of household agreements. (Agreements that everyone follows, not just him)

These are just ideas off the top of my head. Hope it's helpful.

Personally, I would have him screened for depression by a psychiatrist. There are many meds available, and he probably can tolerate something.

Also, work with a psychologist might be beneficial. He or she could do individual counseling with your son and facilitate communication between the two of you.

Finally, I would be very careful about how to approach him in this state--try to be gentle, calm, and non-confrontational. Personally, I have trouble talking to someone who is anxious, critical, or doesn't seem to listen. Sometimes, I can even shut down or be accused of giving such a person "the silent treatment."

I'm sorry but, I just can't accept anyone living in my home being allowed to tell me to f@ck off.

I totally agree with the idea of talking with a psychologist to have him screened for other issues, but my bottom line is: you can have your process and privacy but you need to treat me respectfully if you're gonna live here. For a minor child, boarding school or "wilderness camp" would be the alternatives.

I'm very flexible, and we have very few rules, but home should be a place where we can all expect a soft landing, is primary. After that, we can discuss anything.

I can even deal with a heat of the moment name calling or swearing, but not, here's breakfast delivered to you....response, f off.

It does sound like he could use some lessons in just using good manners regardless of his situation or diagnosis. Has he always been disrespectful, or did it just start in the teen years?

[quote="angelbear"]It does sound like he could use some lessons in just using good manners regardless of his situation or diagnosis. Has he always been disrespectful, or did it just start in the teen years?

It started last year when his asperger symptoms got worse.then he stayed at home for the last two months of the eight grade.we went to a phew psychiatrists, tried some meds (i wrote what happened with olanzapyne),tried psychotherapy,found flexible way of schooling...butthings are so, so.in our country,you don´t have many options except puting him in the hospital but he doesn´t belong there, besides he copies other people behaviours, so this is not a good idea.at the moment he takes risset, psych.is trying to get the right dose.

Things sound hard but they do sound like teenage behaviour made worse by aspergers. Georgias idea sounds like it could help if you can get him to engage with you. Is there anything he's interested in at this point besides being alone in his room? If you can find anything, from films to (preferably) sports to photography that he may be interested in? From my own experience, staying locked up away from everyone and in your own head can do damage in the long term. He's isolating himself more but he may not know how to stop. If you can think of anything he may like, try to get him to engage in it. If its something you can do together it coulld help your relationahip but even if its not, it could get him back to actually realising there is world outside himself.

I hope some of this is helpful. And remember to look after yourself as well. If he's getting you wound up and you're really feeling it, take a walk, take a break, do something to relax.