4.5yr old autistic is extremely stressed & doesnt enjoy

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Friends...
Here by I am talking about my son, who is about 4 and half and generally having delays in speech and other social skills, he is going to special education school for last 2 years and is doing good.

I wanted to understand from you friends, who have been there and understand how it feels to be autistic and why certain you guys do certain things the way you do...the whole point is I want my son to be a happy child, I dont expect anything else...

Here are certain behavioural aspects...
1. We are three people at home, me, my wife and him...he is fine with me to go out during work, but after that, I have to be always within his sight, I may not do anything for him, but he should be sighting me, otherwise he gets stressed. I wonder why so, I dont mind hanging around him, but it is so stressful for him to keep looking for me! Please let me know if you understand the feelings behind such behaviour.
2. At school or at a certain social situation, he associates himself with one other child, usually a older child and then imitates him all through...he becomes very stressful if that child is not seen. However when we come back home or the social thing is over, he is perfectly fine to dis-associate with that child. But while with him, he wants to do exactly like that child and otherwise he becomes stressful. Perhaps, this is similar to the above.
3. When somebody ask him something, even though he is knowing the answer, doesnt respond at all...after asking about 8-10 times he answers and most of the times, it is apparent that he knew the answer all the time, but chose not to speak out...
4. He is extremely short tempered, he usually enterains by watching certain videos on iPad, for some reason if the internet is not working and the video doesnt come up, he throws up a huge tantrum and even if we are able to get it back in 5-10 minutes, he would have made a mess of his and others life by that time.

Do you think, as a parent, I can do anything, which would help him lead a more happier life? I know each individual is different, but I expect your opinions of his situation...thanks

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]

Hello, and welcome to wrong planet, smannar.

I have no experience of parenthood, what follows is based only on my own perception and experiences.

Your points 1 and 2 do seem similar. I suggest that your child wishes to learn from you, or other elders, rather than mix with those of his own age, who he may perceive to be less valuable as role models.

Point 3. Does he delay answering always? In my expereience, I would be very frustrated at times with questions when, deep in my mind, I was in the middle of trying to understand a concept that was eluding me. I would feel it was very important that I finsihed what I was thinking about, at least to the point that I would be able to recall later what point I had reached in my thoughts, because it feels terrible to be on the verge of understanding something, only to be distracted, when the world is a confusing place, and I was close to a feeling of enlightenment. It may take me more time to recall things anyway, and it often does still. Also, repeating a question to me was not a great help, becuase it interfered with my recall. It would be like I had to start looking for the answer in my brain from the start, each time the question was repeated, which is frustrating.

Point 4. I think that sounds typical. You mention certain videos. If this means that it is a limited set, then it may be possible to store them locally, rather than rely on your internet connection. I have no doubt that, if this is the case, you could find assistance here, if you are unsure of how to do so. Or, perhaps you can find a more reliable source of comfort.

I found being shouted at made it difficult to answer questions also, my brain reverberates like a bell, and, although not always painful( sometimes it was funny, feeling my brain ringing) it reduces my ability to function.

I hope you get some helpful replies, as you wrote, we are all different.

I think you are looking in one of the correct places to find out, and I commend your effort.

Your child is exhibiting characteristics of both of my sons (7-year-old with high functioning classic autism and 4-year-old with Asperger's and OCD).

The four-year-old had issues with separation anxiety starting at a very young age. I always had to be with him--he would even follow me out front to get something from the car, follow me into the bathroom, etc.

The seven-year-old and I have a history of selective mutism, a severe social anxiety disorder which literally makes a person speechless. This disorder is most often found in children, but can be found in some adults. Basically, the child becomes very anxious in social situations, such as school or daycare, and has trouble talking.

My seven-year-old's anxiety made working with him on his speech delays more difficult and made it harder to identify all of his speech and learning issues.

My seven-year-old has always been calmed by videos, especially with the subtitles on. We just got back from a lot trip to visit relatives, which I think stressed him out, and by his own choice, he has been watching videos all day to de-stress. Whenever he is very grumpy or anxious, videos help calm and distract him.

My younger son has a similar reaction to the computer.

Both children are on 25 mg/day of Prozac (fluoxetine) (liquid form, used for selective mutism and other anxiety disorders, as well as depression) and doing very well. It takes the edge off and improves their moods without noticeable side effects, other than some hyperactivity that the older one experienced for a couple of weeks when first taking the med.

They also take .1/mg of Clonidine at night for chronic insomnia and anxiety.

Either child can also take a tiny piece of a Clonidine pill during the day if he is having an anxiety attack or meltdown.

Videos with subtitles on can be good for speech, so it is probably good that your son likes them.

Thanks Orr, for your feedback...
As you pointed out, yes my primary goal is to get my son to be happy and happy by himself...because if he either depends on me or some other kid, they may try to bully him and that is not good. So my question to you is -
1. Happiness - can he experience that feeling?
2. Will he get over tagging with others and ever get independent?
3. Is there a way I can reach out to him and convince him to be less anxious of certain things?

I know you can only answer from your perspective and he may be different, but that is good for me...thanks

Thanks for your response BlondeAmbition...
How do you know if your child is high functioning, I know that my son has most of the words and uses them when he wants to (not necessarily when he has to, as the world expects), similarly he knows numbers alphabets, directions, he is potty trained and even eats independently (with insistance), uses ipad and navigates within there quite independently...I am not sure all these mean high fuctioning or there is another way to evaluate that.
as for the medicine, I am not sure if you are aware, there is a medical science called homeopathy...we are seeing a homeopath for my son and during the last 6 months of medication (very miniscule dosage only) and it seems like it is working, cant be very sure. The homeopath believes within 18-24 months he will get completely normal...I want to believe that, but will be cautious.

I want to repeat my question again...in your experience, is there a way, these folks can be happy. happy by themselves? My primary goal is to see that he is a happy child and grows up a happier adult.

Actually, I have personally used stress-reducing teas myself and tried Relax-a-saurus L-Theanine Blend (containing L-theanine, chamomile, and passion flower; available off Amazon.com) with my younger son. These products helped a little with anxiety, but they are not nearly as strong or long-lasting as prescription meds.

Also, the Prozac (fluoxetine) is actually an SSRI anti-depressant, so it both improves the child's mood and reduces anxiety. My younger son is much happier on the drug than not on it.

Some anti-anxiety meds can cause sleepiness and even depress a child's mood (Clonidine and Intuniv, for example). The Clonidine and Intuniv have much stronger anti-anxiety properties, but I cannot use them with my kids during the day on a regular basis because they cause drowsiness and depress my kids' moods. Clonidine used to be regularly used to treat autism, but now it is mainly used for nighttime. Intuniv is basically a time-released, very expensive form of Clonidine.

I say that my older son has high functioning classic autism because he had a severe speech delay, has learning disabilities, and meets all of the criteria for a diagnosis of autism. (He has been diagnosed with autism more than once). However, he has benefitted from extensive home-based speech therapy and tutoring, meds, work with a private ABA, and OT. He is in a regular second grade classroom at age 7, can talk, read, and do math. He still requires inclusion support at school (teachers come in to help him and another boy in the class about an hour a day) and needs a lot of tutoring and enrichment at home. However, for his age, everyone--doctors, teachers, other parents of kids with ASD--agree that he is very high functioning now. He is not an Aspie--he has just moved up on the functionality scale due to lots of intervention.

My younger son, whome I describe as AS/OCD, is pretty much a stereotypical Aspie. He's very smart, but he has fixed interests, stims, behavioral and social issues, and has a lot of anxiety. He was not speech delayed but does have some speech issues. So maybe he is technically HFA, but he really fits the Aspie mold a lot better overall.

I have been around several low functioners through the local Autism Society, my son's school, and his occupational therapy center. These individuals generally spend little or no time in the regular elementary school classroom, have little or no speech, and present significant behavior challenges on a daily basis--hitting, running away, screaming, constant stimming, out of it much of the time, and are often not potty trained until age 5, 6, or 7, if at all.

My older son would probably have remained low functioning if not for extensive intervention and meds, I think. I have met some kids who have moved up in functionality, some with potential that has gone unrecognized, and some whom have little potential to greatly move up due to severe mental retardation and other handicaps.

I think that most kids have the potential to improve, but how much improvement is possible depends upon the person.

Again, if you want to check out some resources, please see my free website, www.freevideosforautistickids.com.

1 I cannot answer for your child's happiness. May be it is helpful to think of happiness as a spectrum, and that when having a meltdown, one is a lot less happy.

2 I am unsure of what you meant by tagging. As for independence, children of NT parents seem to stay dependent of their parents long in to their lives, and I think that developing expectations of how a child should develop may cause more stress for parents than having to provide whatever support they do.

3 I was generally inconsolable. Trying to encourage and enable development of interests, hopefully builds self-esteem and lessens anxiety.

I am surprised that you use homeopathy as a treatment, and would be very interested in what led to that course of action, and in what is being administered.

If I had to guess I would say it's because he loves you. He is accustom to you going to work every day but when you leave aside from that, you are breaking a schedule he has in his head where your after work time is time you are supposed to spend with him. When you leave when you aren't supposed to, it likely causes him separation anxiety.

People on the spectrum can be a lot like cats. Cats socialize by sitting in each other's vicinity. He likely wants you to sit in his vicinity because it makes him feel secure but he doesn't want you to interfere with what he does because in his mind he has already decided how to do it.



This might be similar to the phenomena of someone "clinging" to the only person at a party they know. Again, an issue of security.



This is typical of the behavior of many children with autism that involves speech delays, and there are few theories and reasons as to why they might do this. Some children might not understand what is being said to them due to processing issues, where they can only hear the sound and not process the meaning of the words, or due to an inherent misunderstanding of language. For example, with the phrase "Do you want some water?" an autistic child with language delays may associate that phrase with getting water, but may not really realize that a question is being asked of them and may not understand the individual components of the phrase. It's not uncommon for such children to say "Do you want some wanter?" when they mean "I want some water".

With other children, one theory is that they have an extreme form of apathy when it comes to responding to language, or it could even be that to respond is just too stressful for them.
You might notice that young NT children who are not autistic will not always respond to or use language consistently when they are first learning to talk, because it actually requires a lot of effort on their part.





Probably for the same reason two year olds do.



Realize that you being in the room with him is significant to him.

If I had to guess I would say it's because he loves you. He is accustom to you going to work every day but when you leave aside from that, you are breaking a schedule he has in his head where your after work time is time you are supposed to spend with him. When you leave when you aren't supposed to, it likely causes him separation anxiety.

People on the spectrum can be a lot like cats. Cats socialize by sitting in each other's vicinity. He likely wants you to sit in his vicinity because it makes him feel secure but he doesn't want you to interfere with what he does because in his mind he has already decided how to do it.



This might be similar to the phenomena of someone "clinging" to the only person at a party they know. Again, an issue of security.



This is typical of the behavior of many children with autism that involves speech delays, and there are few theories and reasons as to why they might do this. Some children might not understand what is being said to them due to processing issues, where they can only hear the sound and not process the meaning of the words, or due to an inherent misunderstanding of language. For example, with the phrase "Do you want some water?" an autistic child with language delays may associate that phrase with getting water, but may not really realize that a question is being asked of them and may not understand the individual components of the phrase. It's not uncommon for such children to say "Do you want some wanter?" when they mean "I want some water".

With other children, one theory is that they have an extreme form of apathy when it comes to responding to language, or it could even be that to respond is just too stressful for them.
You might notice that young NT children who are not autistic will not always respond to or use language consistently when they are first learning to talk, because it actually requires a lot of effort on their part.





Probably for the same reason two year olds do.



Realize that you being in the room with him is significant to him.