Dear God, somebody help me with my son

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Joined: Jan 16, 2012
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 8:20 am Post subject: Hi I'm new - please help me! Reply with quote Edit/Delete this post
Hi, I'm new and ....

I'm absolutely going out of my mind. Please just listen to me. I have nobody to talk to about these things.

I have a twenty year old son who has tried to kill himself three times, who has flunked out of college twice, who has increasingly manifested all the symptoms of high functioning autism.

Let me give you an example: He has sat next to me trying to complete a paper for a college class for FIVE HOURS and has no more than a page written. Frozen.

He is a perfectionist. He argues incessantly. He is depressed.

He is driving his mother and me nuts. We love him, but....we are both about to lose it.

We have got to get this boy professional help but do not know where to turn?

Are there any excellent residential treatment programs that WORK?

Help. Dear God, somebody...please help.

It's really driving me to total despair and my wife and I are having a horrible time with it, impacting our marriage and every aspect of our lives.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. My son is only 11, but we struggled with suicidal ideation last year, and I can't think of anything more terrifying for a parent.

Being frozen in a task is not atypical behavior for a child (or adult) on the spectrum. Start by telling your son that this happens, and that there' IS help out there. Check with your insurance to see what neuropsychologist services they will cover; call around and find someone who deals with adults on the spectrum. I don't know that residential treatment is the answer, I'd look for family therapy so everyone understands each other. Here is an outline of the generally accepted tests for autism: http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/screening.html

Your son may be helped by taking this online screener (which has no scientific validity, but many people here take it; I think it offers a lot of food for thought) http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

Check the Autism Speaks website, search "adults" http://www.autismspeaks.org/ but do look up their 100 days kit.

Also, see if the school has supports for students with disabilities and explain your situation. Ask your son to start posting here for help: I know a number of posters who are struggling with college. Good luck to you!

Well have you ever tried talking to him about how he feels? you very well could have......but it does not say that in the post. I mean sometimes when people are depressed they feel like everyone is better off without them.....maybe he's feeling that way and well unfortunately it kinda sucks when it has truth to it because then its even harder to convince that person there is much reason for them to continue. I mean if he is in fact ruining your marriage well that's going to make him feel like more of a burden. I guess I wish I had something more helpful to say but I am 22 and get suicidal myself and all I know is when it feels like no one understands and I'm only causing problems for people it just feeds the suicidal feelings.

As for the professional help did that help at all? or was it totally ineffective?

Just to add though everyone could already be aware.......its also pretty terrifying for the person having those feelings, so just keep in mind its not just the parents that are suffering in these sorts of situations. I mean when people are struggling with suicidal feelings and stuff they probably are not intentionally trying to make things difficult for others.

My son is much younger but I can tell you his story. When he was very young and just learning to write, he found it very difficult to write a simple 3 letter word, even though he knew how. When I would sit down with him to do homework we would both end up in tears of frustration. He couldn't act and couldn't explain why. At that time he was unable to have 2 way conversations. Two things helped significantly. One was a weighted vest and the other frankly, was Strattera. The difference was striking. That was when the "little professor" in him came out. He was able to act with deliberation.
A little later when he was in higher grades I would hover over him and nag him about getting things done on time, particularly with projects. He seemed unable to start and I would end up doing much of it myself. I threw up my hands in frustration and told him he was on his own and if he didn't get the project done in time, then too bad. Surprisingly, when I'm not looking over his shoulder he gets it done. I mention that because you said you were sitting next to him while he was trying to write the paper. That may be counter-productive.
I'm just wondering if some adhd medication might help him. It sounds like he's experiencing some executive functioning issues. Is he on any meds? Anti depressants and adhd meds have made a significant difference in my life as well.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! THIS! I just started college, and in high school I had a lot of frustration because my parents wouldn't quit bugging me to do my work. I tried to explain to them that they needed to leave me alone, but they had trouble understanding, so I had trouble getting my work done! I got the most work done when they left me alone in my room--sometimes alone in the whole house--and in the end I graduated with all As my senior year. Now, they are doing much better about not nagging me--every once in a while, my mom will remind me, and my dad will ask me if I've been getting my work done, but they don't hover over me like before. I'm actually getting my work done now. Think about that next time you want to nag your son.

Another thing--I usually don't let my parents see my writing at all. I'm particularly sensitive about it. Your son may be the same way. Don't sit next to your son or read his writing as he types it--that's putting a LOT of pressure. Let him do it on his own.

Also, he got a whole page done in just five hours?! That's more than I can usually do in that amount of time if I'm using the "just start writing" strategy.

There are times I don't even get half a page for well over 5 hours...though I had to drop out of college but when I was going that was not uncommon.

It sounds like your son is fighting so hard just to be heard by his own family. If you say he "argues incessently" it is time to start listening. You also need to recognize that if he argues incessently, so do you. After all, you can't argue unless the other person is arguing, too. I am NOT saying you should give him the cold shoulder or ignore him, but rather, consider that he might be on to something when he argues.

Chances are a residetial "treatment" program will only quash his ideas. (Or whatever he is trying to get across to you.)

My internist told me that the medical emergency with depression and suicidal thoughts is if the person starts making plans on how they're going to do it, or assembling the necessary equipment.

With the biochem component of depression, as I understand it, something like Zoloft might work great for some people and be a game changer, and hardly do a thing for others or have unacceptable side effects. That in a very respectable sense it is trial and error. (still sometimes important to come down off the medication in stages)
Treating depression can be hit or miss (2009 article)
http://ftp.wrongplanet.net/postt163505.html

Please note: I AM NOT A PARENT. I have lived life on the spectrum and am generally a pretty good guy.

And a person can go to either a psychiatrist, or a regular doctor like an internist or family practitioner can just as well prescribe Zoloft or Cymbalta or Wellbutrin, and your son might hit one which works.

Straight up, I have not had great experiences with mental health practitioners (other people have). Your son might be better off with a combination of a regular doctor and then a job coach or a tutor or someone like that.

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 16 Jan 2012, 7:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.

This I have to agree with...also at the age of 22 I imagine parents do not have as much of a right to send their child away, as a 22 year old legally can more or less decide if they want to go to a residential 'treatment' program.

Well, that would drive me crazy, having someone sitting next to me like that. I wouldn't be able to write a thing either!

Are you sitting next to him because he asked you to, or because you thought it was a good idea? If he didn't ask, then I'd back off and give him some space. Tell him you are available to help, he just needs to ask, then leave the room.

I'm a perfectionist too, and it's not easy to deal with, but it can be done. But I absolutely cannot do anything with another person hovering over me, expecting me to do something!

same here, even teachers used to give me crap about it......because if they tried to walk up behind me to look at what I was writing I would cover it up because I cannot stand having people read over my shoulder, even if its not something I'm embarrassed about.

I don't know of any programs myself, but hopefully someone else here on WP does. Have you tried contacting the local hospitals to ask if they know of any programs? Your son sounds like he needs an in-patient program to bring his depression and suicidal tendencies under control. The anger is part of both of these, so controlling the other two would help with that, too. He is unhappy and frustrated that the world doesn't go the way he wants, and that he doesn't fit the world as it exists. That's where the "Wrong Planet" concept comes in. We are out of phase with the existing world.

As for perfectionism, I understand that. I always want things and people to be perfect, but I am terribly imperfect. It took me a long time to accept that everyone and everything is imperfect, including myself, and that you just have to do the best you can, and then let it go. Unfortunately, too many of us on the spectrum have a hard time accepting imperfection, and letting go. I don't know why that is, but it is a common spectrum trait. Perhaps it is a mental manifestation of our physical sensitivities.

You should also stop hovering over your son when he is trying to work. It is very distracting, it adds a lot of psychological pressure, and is very counter productive. I know for myself, that I absolutely can't stand people hovering over me and telling me what to do and how to do it. It just drives me nuts, and makes me inclined to be argumentative, and to eventually just dump the work, as I can't really do it under those conditions anyway. Back off from your son when he is working. Either he will complete it or he won't, but on his own. If he doesn't complete it, he can always take any failed courses over. People on the spectrum really, really can't stand others to get in their personal space, so give your son some breathing room. I spent most of my life living with relatives and it was horrible. We all drove each other crazy, because they couldn't deal with my Aspyness, and I couldn't deal with their unrealistic expectations, and demands. I have been living alone for over 6 years now, and get along much better with my relatives now. For me, living alone is much better than living with people. It's much less stressful. I never want to live with anyone again.

As far as higher education goes, college may not be the best fit for your son. Has he considered a vocational college, or other vocational place, like a business school? Many people, both on the spectrum, and NTs, would do better at such places. These places tend to give hands on training in their fields, that people don't get just hitting the books at regular colleges and universities. This tends to provide good training for the chosen profession, and usually at a cheaper price.

Because of the cheaper price, and because many people like the hands on type of vocational training, it is sometimes less stressful than a regular college. I never expected my poor student younger brother to get beyond high school, but he graduated from an automotive college! I think it was Denver Automotive College. I am very proud of him for that. And, he did this while stressed out from having money troubles. Our father provided the tuition, but little else, and jobs were hard to come by at the time. Unfortunately, they are even harder to come by now.

See if you can't get the local hospitals, or mental health establishment to give you some info on local in-patient, or residential facilities, so you can get some help for your son. And remember, we on the spectrum are all:

A Different Drummer

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
Perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
However measured or far away.

--Henry David Thoreau

I want to clarify something. You say your son "increasingly shows signs of Autism." Does this mean you do not know? He has never been tested?

If that is the case, simply getting the explanation could make a WORLD of difference for your son. Some kids flip out learning they aren't "normal," but others are relieved - suddenly, a whole life time of conflict is explained.

If you don't have a diagnosis for him, there is a chance that many of your issues could be solved by (a) his simply finally knowing and (b) the types of accommodations and services he should become eligible for (pragmatic speech is a very important one). The place to start is getting him specifically tested for Autism.

Talk to him about it, let him know there are whole internet communities of autistics talking and sharing, and that most of them have learned to have success lives. It often takes some adapting, but it is possible. Let him know that having a label would help you understand him better, and understanding him better would allow you to help him through his difficulties better.

There is no effective residential treatment for Autism, per se. There is residential treatment for depression, and there are group homes that allow Autistics to live semi-independently, but this idea that you can send your son away and have him come home improved is a fallacy. If he is autistic, sending him out his known environments and known routines can be very, very damaging. The stories we have on this forum from adults who had that experience earlier in their lives are horrifying. It often drove a permanent wedge between them and their families. There are many things that can be done to improve your and your son's safety that do not involve removing him from all he knows.

Is your son under treatment for his depression? If so, what type?

Have you looked to see if there are any autism diagnosis centers or therapists specializing in autism in your area? Are there speech therapists who work with autistic adults? Have you talked to his doctor about your concerns with respect to Autism? These are the places to start.

Finally, if he is AS, your best line of defense is to read, read, read, and read some more. Understand all you can about him. It makes an amazing amount of difference when we simply stop expecting them to act like "normal" kids, and understand them just as they are. We have a whole thread full of book and reading suggestions.

I am sorry you are having a rough time of it.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 16 Jan 2012, 7:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The years after high school are really difficult. It's kind of rock star or nothing. Meaning, a person on the spectrum doesn't really fit in and needs to find their way. And find an area where it plays to your advantage being different. For example, some people in creative writing groups really liked my writing. You'd think that would be enough. I don't need a majority. I just need some following that really likes my work and is sufficiently motivated to buy my books, right? Well, anything artistic is kind of a long shot, and I'm personally more attracted to anthropology, philosophy, history, politics, that kind of thing, and not just pure fiction. So, no, I haven't yet made any money from my writing.

Okay, now on the topic of jobs. "Easy" jobs like being a checker at Kroger are among the hardest jobs, because it's typically an environment where co-workers tease and this can easily morph to out-and-out bullying, where the managers if I can even use that word (cough, cough) are absentee managers and have essentially abandoned the workplace, and if they even find out about bullying their reaction tends to blame the victim for "causing problems." I'm also been a copy center manager. That job was easier on every meaningful dimension than checking groceries at Kroger. There is almost an inverse relationship between the status of a job and it being do-able and excel-able and growthful for someone on the spectrum.

Some things that have helped me have been sales and volunteer political activism. And also, although I don't recommend it, was playing poker. I got to see first-hand that good play like pre-flop raise and continuation bet at flop, well, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Just like saying to someone in the sports book, "How's the game going?" Sometimes they're in a talkative mood and sometimes they're not. I broke even on the poker, lost money if I count the incidental expenses as I should. (and I am strong at math, esp. probability, so please be careful.)

Three suicide attempts are a big deal. It sounds like your son's life is in danger.

I would immediately get appointments with a psychologist (Ph.D.) and psychiatrist (M.D.) with good credentials and experience with young people. The psychiatrist should be someone with hospital privileges. When you try to get an appointment, I would start with whomever is on your insurance and keep calling different doctors until you get appointments, whether they are on your health plan or not. (Where I live, waiting lists for psychiatrists on certain insurance plans are weeks long).

When you and your son go to the appointments with each of these professionals, I would bring your son's medical records and a written single sheet of paper listing the facts and concerns that lead to the appointments, including the suicide attempts and dropping out of school. Do not show the list to your son ahead of time.

My husband is bipolar, and at initial meetings with a psychologist and psychiatrist, I have found such lists to be very helpful since my husband will try to charm the professionals, do all of the talking, and fabricate information about me and minimize his own issues in order to try to make it look like I'm "out to get him" or something of that nature.

Last edited by blondeambition on 17 Jan 2012, 6:40 am, edited 2 times in total.