Oldest DD moving out ::sigh::

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Last edited by OliveOilMom on 21 Jan 2012, 5:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by OliveOilMom on 19 Jan 2012, 7:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hey - give us a minute - I didn't read through all the new topics and just now saw this. I do care, and I'll bet others do, too.

I worry about this day, too, even though it's pretty far in the future (and for the record, I'm more than likely AS, just don't have the benefit of a diagnosis. I'm certainly more messed up than my son, who's got one.) Parenting is all-consuming, and it becomes part of your identity, right? I remember the days before I was a Mom, I felt totally lost most of the time; at least now I have a specific job that's well-defined. I know I'll have to reinvent myself when the day comes, and that scares the crap out of me. I wish I had something to say to make it easier.

I'm guessing you probably don't want congratulations right now - but you've raised four kids, and from what I can gather from your posts, you've done a great job and have been a great Mom to them, and I think that's something to be proud of.

No, I dont want congratulations, on it. I dont want my baby leaving me!

It does matter. What happens is that sometimes we don't know what to say. That's my case, at least. I read your thread, but I don't know what I could say about it, because it's something I've never experienced myself.

However, that doesn't mean we don't care about this that is happening to you now. I can understand you, I think. When my older brother got married he was only 18 too (I was 7 at that time), and I remember the day he moved out (in his case, to live with his wife). My mother cried, because probably she was feeling something similar to what you're feeling now.

Well, what I mean is that you shouldn't stop posting here, if that's what you meant. I hadn't talked to you before, but I could see from your posts that you're important here. That's a good thing you can do. Yes, for others, but it's good for yourself too. Life is really a cycle. And there's nothing to do with being NT or AS adults or something.

And all I can say to you is that I hope you'll be fine. Two of your kids will still be home (if your daughter move out) and they'll be there for you.

My oldest did it the usual way. He went and spent the night at his gf's house then slowly started moving his stuff there and coming home less and less. It wasn't an "event". With her, it will be an "event". She will want our approval of the apartment and his parent's approval of it as well. It's going to involve a moving truck and the loss of most of my kitchen stuff and over half our towels, I'm sure. She's already claimed the antique vanity that I've let her use. She already has an apartment in the garage, so she has furniture (nicer furniture that I have up here) she just doesn't have kitchen and bathroom stuff. I'm sure she will take the good showerhead as well.

Yes, that's a different situation, indeed. And that's no good that she'll take so many things from the house. Have you talked to her about all that?

Funny, but to me your daughter is doing this in the "usual" way.

My mom only let me take stuff she really didn't want or need, however. That is part of the deal. On your own means "acquire your own."

I am sorry I didn't read this earlier but my posting time is extremely limited right now so I've only been opening things that look like crises.

I don't look forward to the day my kids leave; it will wreak a big hole in my identity. But doing your job right means it will happen.

But she'll always need mom. I still need mine

Yup - when you move out you get what I can spare, not the things we use! Likely they can take the towels that they use, and bedding and bedroom furniture. I will go through the kitchen and give the extras. If I have three measuring cups, I'll give one. Maybe some things that I have been wanting to buy for myself....I haven't bought dishes in 25 years, maybe I'll give him those.

Nobody is taking my good shower head!

And you are correct - if they got their pets, then they take them. (that said - they take my pets over my dead body!)

Good luck OliveOil - I don't look forward to that day coming....My eldest is 16 1/2 and he tells me he is out at 18, doesn't want to live with dad and his brother anymore. It makes me so sad already!

I read over the posts, and they look like a complete 180 of how my parents reacted when I talked about moving out. People on here seem sad/distraught/upset, yet understanding of the simple fact that their kids move out on once they reach a certain age. My parents even said they wanted to keep me home until I got married. But as you'll read below, with the control they exerted over me, getting married would be a very difficult proposition.

Back when I was 18, I wanted to move into a dorm, even though I was going to a college within commuting distance from my hometown. My parents told me that if I did that, they would not pay a cent for any of my college expenses. I had no choice but to submit to their rule, since I already sent in the financial aid documents, and my class schedule didn't allow me to work enough to pay my way through college. Even long after I graduated, I still had a curfew at the age of 24. Even when I "violated" the curfew, they would call my cell phone every hour, telling me "Where are you? Come home immediately!! !".

Finally, I had enough and tried to have a discussion about moving out. There was so much screaming and crying on their part, that it made the worst aspie meltdown look like a bingo game at a senior center. At that point, I knew what I had to do: the next free day I had, I drove to the apartment building I had my eye on (and still live there to this day), went into the rental office, handed them a check, and signed the lease. I was acting very anxious, but the lady helping me was quite sympathetic once I explained that it was my first apartment.

Afterwards, I knew that breaking the news verbally would result in horror too unimaginable to even think about. So I resorted to this trick: a few days later, I got up way earlier than usual, slipped a note under my parents' door, saying that I already signed the paperwork and there was no turning back, and left before they woke up. I ate breakfast at a fast food place, then parked my car in a historic downtown of a small suburb, and wandered around the streets aimlessly for god-knows-how-long, since my work didn't start until a few hours later that morning.

After work, my parents called me, telling them they wanted to talk about the note. They didn't sound angry, but just to be safe, I made up an excuse, then picked up a to-go dinner and ate it in my empty apartment. I didn't come home until after my parents went to bed. Next time I actually talked to my parents, their rant was surprisingly brief and quiet: it was pretty much limited to "OK, fine, if that's really what you want!"

If my post was ill-timed, carry on as you were, but the topic really hits home for me. I needed to get the story off my chest and possibly offer some insight. And maybe get some insight as well.

Your post wasnt ill timed at all. I totally get you. It was harder for my oldest to move out I suppose. I was hanging on to my firstborn baby tooth and nail, even though said baby was 20 years old at the time. He had never been away from home before except for those three months he did in juvie when he was 17. In fact, he turned 18 while he was locked up. That's sort of how he got with this crackhead girl. She was one of the friends of the kids and his age. I didn't know at the time she was a crackhead.

She had been very open about her past indiscretions and I felt that she was settled and calm. I didn't know she was still on the rock and also bat**** crazy. So I made him be nice to her because she was in love with him and I thought she would settle him down. He spent the weekend with her before he went away (we knew the date of him going and all that in advance) because she said nobody should turn 18 in jail and still be a virgin. Yeah, that was her "come on line" to him. He's been with her since.

They live in this trailer that I swear is about to slide off the side of a hill, and it's two single wides that he welded together and there is no inside walls to it. Lovely huh? This, from the boy who wanted to grow up to be an engineer like Pawpaw. He blew his trust fund money, probably on her or drugs or her drugs or whatever.

My daughter though, is different. She's been with the same boy for 4 years now and they are a great couple. Stable, responsible, polite, they are perfect for each other. I have absolutely no problem with her being with him, he already lives here and has for a bit, and he's been family basically since they were all about 13, he is 22 and a friend of my oldest son's to begin with. He's going to go to college to be an English teacher. He's tried other things. Computer stuff, paramedic, but he wants to be an English teacher and I think he will be a good one. She's going to culinary school this fall and wants to use her trust fund to open a bakery. She's also going to take business classes because of that.

His mother is my mothers home health nurse. It's that kind of town. Everybody knows everybody or is related. When they get married we will be instantly related to about half the town.

It's not so much fear for her that has me against her moving out. I know she will be perfectly fine. It's the fact that my little girl will actually be grown up. Yes, thats what I want for her, but just not quite so fast. I think kids should age slower than they do. Like make it take two years to age a year. Of course that would make her 36 when she moves out, but it would also make her about 9 now and I could deal with that.

Oh Gods. I don't have a damn thing to comfort you.

My kids are all still so small that even my oldest (10) still asks for bedtime stories nightly.

And I have regular sobbing panic attacks-- have gotten borderline suicidal a couple of times, especially since my Dad died while I was 1000 miles away "living my own life" and all the shrinks tell me this is totally OK-- wondering what my life will be for and what I will be worth once they are grown and gone.

Grown and gone?? Hell-- What am I going to do with my life when the last one goes to kindergarten??? I contemplate homeschooling just to forestall the day. Sometimes I cry when I drop my 10-year-old off. Because I miss her that much.

I joke that I'm having another one to buy myself more time before I have to face the empty nest-- and it's not even half funny.

My greatest hope is that, by the time the last one moves out, the first one will be needing me to watch the grandkids. Assuming everything goes OK, they'll be 10 and 1/2 years apart, so this is a realistic possibility if she doesn't move too far from home...

I guess if retirement ever happens I will follow my kids. In the interim maybe I will pursue some of those special interests I just don't have time for. Or get another menial job sweeping floors or waiting tables or something.

Oh, that's why I didn't reply-- I know damn good and well that I'm just depressing you more. Or hijacking your emotional crisis thread.

***hugs***

You aren't depressing me more, and you are perfectly welcome to share my emotional crisis thread!

I've got plenty of time still, before this happens. This summer her and her fiance will look at apartments then bring my husband and me, and his parents to look at them, then decide on which one, then get the parent with the best credit (his mother, probably) to cosign, then furnish it, etc.

It's just reality to me now that they will grow up and move out. Then again, my son may not move out at all, or my other daughter may live at home all throughout college. I don't know.

Being "Mom" is all tied up with who I am, and now I guess this forces me to find out who I actually am other than just the lady who cooks and kisses boo-boos.

That is really it, isn't it?

I was married late and had a career I've kept my fingers in and assume I'll go back to, so I'm hoping that will help, but not everyone has that.

It just hit me this morning that I've got less than 4 years left with my son, most likely. Wow.

What are your hobbies?

,,,

Last edited by OliveOilMom on 21 Jan 2012, 6:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lol, yeah, me too.

Thankfully they keep changing the tax code

Which is basically what you need to look for: a position where the work itself keeps changing on you.