some days are really hard

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I don't really have a question, I just feel so isolated. I come on her daily, because it feels as if other people around me have no clue. But the people on WP seem to get it. I think I am a good parent. I think I am making good choices for my son. But sometimes it seems as if we are just going in circles. My 11 y/o DS's behavior is getting worse. At home, we have worked it out. He functions well. But at school, sigh... I am feeling overwhelmed. I could use some words of encouragement.
~Erica

Uh-oh. What's going on at school?

Ugh, so sorry. Hugs. Let us know if there's anything specific going on...

You know looking back, I think 6th through 8th were the hardest in a way. I mean...gradeschool was so hard, but for most of it my daughter was very near me...or at one point we were at the same school for 3 years. But middle school brought on a whole new set of "stuff"...influences that weren't so great, hormonal changes, gawd...swearing (which is only now starting to improve at all). Plus, we never had a diagnosis until middle school. I always just delt with challenges as they came up. They were always there and I just always did it. So we both had to deal with diagnosis. I think that would have been easier earlier. Meds were helpful in one way but caused moodiness...which wasn't good. And violence escalated during those years.

That doesn't sound good...and it felt really hard at the time (it was). Sometimes I wanted to ship her off to her dad, and sometimes to myself I considered whether I was the right person for the job. I thought about a group home (not ever seriously enough to check one out, but it was on my list of what will I do if things get too bad). I guess the good news for us is that we kept working through it...i sought out the help of friends and support when necessary, and we made it through. She's doing a lot better now...in so many ways. She's learned better self care and has managed to think of some goals past high school which I think will help motivate her a bit better at school. Even so...some days are hard. Hang in there.

B

6th grade was super hard. The organizational expectations of middle school were just so far beyond my son's developmental readiness, and it was really hitting his ego. That was the year I read "the Trouble with Boys" by Peg Tyre, and I used that book to tell him that the problem wasn't him, but the expectations, and if surviving school until he developmentally caught up meant that I was going to help him two hours every night, then I would help him two hours every night. I went through papers for him, I got lists from teachers of what was due when for him, I kept him company doing his homework, I took him out on walks in the evening to clear his head and talk through strategies for difficult assignments, and eventually we pulled him out of his elective and into a study hall at school to ease the burden.

And eventually his development caught up to the expectations of school and I didn't have to do all that anymore. The real crisis, for us, only lasted that one school year. He needed some support in 7th grade, but it was down to about 1/4 of what it had been. Although that was the year his social life crashed .... sigh.

Middle School is hell. Do whatever it takes to get your child through it with some measure of sanity. Don't worry about over coddling or anything else; they need what they need and you'll be able to tell when they don't need it anymore.

And, yes, all of it is isolating to you, as a parent. By necessity, you become very inward focused with your family. And all that is more complicated when the child is AS, because not as many people can relate to you. And, well, as the kids grow and ours aren't interested in the things other kids are, with the world of Legos and Playmobile gone, it will get harder and harder to connect to parents you meet through school. I've very much felt that; my son isn't playing basketball, he doesn't date, I know nothing about anything they all talk about, and I can't get excited about raising money for some far off senior party my son probably will not want to go to. But there are costumes and scenery for the play to work on ... And it is what it is. At least we do have this place

Specifically, on this part...

I've had to deal with Child Protective Services at my door on a couple of occasions because of an outburst at school. "Something must be happening at home". It's a common misconception with school professionals. What's worse is that most teachers in America are now required to have Autism and Aspergers Awareness Courses. Why isn't that helping?

Anyway, it's unfortunately par for the course. You will be able to get through this. In the mean time, have you considered home schooling or private/specialized education? I don't know what your son is going through with his schooling but if its bullying, and he is having outbursts or fighting back, try talking with the counselors and teachers or consider changing schools. Other times, when its the school system as a whole... well that's what happened with us. We went to homeschooling. The program we are using is a public online school that's free in the US. I'm not gonna advertise it though, don't wanna break rules. I would be willing to talk more about it in a private message.

Honestly, you're making a good choice by talking about it here. Family and friends may not understand, but other parents of aspies are always understanding and accepting. I'm glad I joined.

My son was placed in a self-contained classroom for children with "behavior problems" in October. The goal of the classroom is to get the children back into mainstream classes with support. When he began, there were 5 children in the classroom, but the other four children were mostly mainstreamed, so it was just him, the teacher and the aide most of the day. In the first 20 days, he only had two "unsuccessful days." They have to get 20 successful days to add a class. This means using techniques to calm down when upset, using words to express self et cetera - he has 5 personal IEP goals specifically about managing his meltdowns. He gets a successful day if he gets 80% or higher for the day. The goals are reasonable. They don't expect him not to get upset, but the goal seems to be to teach him to use the calm-down space, learn positive self-talk and work on social skills. Several things happened in Mid-November, another student was placed in the classroom, and we were increasing my son's medication (SSRI - for anxiety and obsessive thoughts). Since then, he usually has one successful day a week, sometimes two. 1) he returned to previous behaviors he was having in the regular classroom. 2) he became more aggressive - throwing chairs. 3) he became more reclusive - hiding under the desk and refusing to come out for long periods of time. 4) He became more negative - "you are mean" "you all hate me" "you don't understand me". At the end of December, we upped the medication again to the final level and the aggression became obvious. He pulled a knife and threatened a neighborhood kid and he made comments about "killing" the mother of one of the neighborhood kids. We had to stop allowing him to play with the kids in the neighborhood without supervision. He has NEVER been violent before. We changed his meds to two times a day (split the dose) as it was possible his aggression was a withdrawal effect as it is a short-acting med. But last week he threatened to kill himself. So the psychiatrist said to cut the dose in half, back to what it was prior to the aggression developing. He had serious withdrawal all weekend and of course had a meltdown Monday at school. So this is what is going on. I think if we can get it all balanced out, things will improve again. The teacher reorganized the classroom so each student has their own space with those large dividers. They only interact with direct supervision and don't even have a line of sight to each other. This seems to have helped. Also, many of the meltdowns are related to anxiety concerning writing exercises. The teacher is recommending a use of the Alphasmart for classroom writing in his next IEP. She upped his typing activities to daily instead of twice a week to focus on improving his skills. (He loves the typing program). So, I think we are doing the right things, but it is still hard.

[b]

Thank you again for all your support. I do feel so alone. There was a meetup group in my area, but the people heading the group had a child in mid-teens and wanted to start a teen group. the group fell apart after that. I am thinking about starting my own meetup group.

I have been looking into homeschool with online support. I have also been looking into private schools in my area. There are several who work with children with HFA, Aspergers, ADHD, and LD. But they are all about $20,000 a year and I just can't afford that right now.

I too am glad I found WP. I think the members here "get it."

It sounds like you are. I'm so sorry - the whole meds thing, combined I'm sure with adolescence, must make this really difficult. I know it is extraordinarily hard to get just the right dose/combo of SSRI type drugs. I believe and hope for you that things will improve in time.

I remember when we were going through the violence/self-harm stuff, though DS was younger and it was milder than you describe. It didn't matter that he was too little to actually hurt me, that we were actually able to keep him safe - I was in a state of panic most of the time. To this day, when we have an "off" day or when DS calls me names, I want to curl up in a ball and cry. This stuff is extraordinarily difficult for a loving parent to manage: it's as though you have to manage all of your child's feelings and THEN all your own feelings as well.

Momsparky,
You said it just right. We have to manage the emotions of two people. It's really tough. We aren't in the spot of the OP, but it's been tough around here lately. Emotions are out of control on both sides.