I need help with my son

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Hi, I am a single SAHM (44) to my 16 yr old only child son.
Hes Autistic..
I have no family and my only friends are online and my sons
activity moms.

I have 2 very sweet english bulldogs who keep me sane.
The BEST dogs I have ever had. they are 2-1/2 rs old.

My son doesnt seem to like my male dogs snoring.

He has had some very odd behavior for years.

Breaking his toys for seemingly no reason and grounding never seems
to cure the problem. But these incidents were very far apart (like 2 times a year)
His Dr says "Its just part of his condition"

My son is on Abilify 5mg he is 220 pounds and 6 foot tall

Last year around September I decided to wean him off meds
with his Drs okay, cause he was just eating far too much and
since I have diabetes in my family I was worried about his health.
I would literally file off a little of each pill each day with a nail file
until there was no pill left to give him. It took me 3 months to do so
and everything seemed fine. Then after he was totally of the pills
he started attacking the dog.
Such hate and anger in his eyes!

Id ground hm and hed promise to never do it again.

But it would. a total of 7-8 times.

I put him back on the meds and everything has seemed fine.

Until Sunday.

We were sitting around I was on my laptop laying on the couch
listening to a Kate Perry/Russell Brand interview on Youtube
and my son was on his computer. It was the FIRST cool day after all those 100 degree days
and we were relaxing, when suddenly he attacks the dog!
I demand toknow why he keeps doing this! He said "Because you are BAD!"
I said "Im not bad Im not attacking the dog you are, you told me youd never do it again"
"YOU ARE BAD!" he said
I repeated myself that i was not the one attacking the dog.
he leaps up and tries to smash my laptop and when I get him off of it he then slaps
the crap out of me! Then when thats over he tries to gouge his eyes out with his
fingers and I stop that immediately!

I call his Drs Emergency # and they do NOTHING. So I tell him to go to his room and
I waited till morning when he went off to ESY camp to call people I know.

Everyone recommended the Horsham Clinic.

I just dont know if that would scar him further...Make him think I hate him etc yaknow?

I havent been the best mom due to my own depression and demons but I can only work with what I have,

I just dont know what to do.

Any suggestions?

What do I say to him about why Im taking him to that Clinic?

The first thing I'd do is ask him why he said you were bad. That might be something worth exploring. If he can't explain himself, have you thought of using picture cards to get at the root of some of his feelings? I'd be willing to help you through this if you need some help getting the cards.

You also need to be careful that he doesn't injure you in one of these rages. How do you deal with that? Have you put thought to that? I'm sure you already have.

My son is verbal, but has a hard time explaining things. We have used these cards and boy has it helped with decoding some of his language. He was having nightmares and we couldn't figure out why. He wasn't telling us. With the cards, we found out the dreams were about fire. And then we found out it was a new computer game he was playing. Now he does not have those nightmares anymore. There are new ones to decode however.

Ps. I am not good at getting my own thoughts out so if I seem abrupt or judging, it's just me trying to figure out how to ask something appropriately. I am not being negative.

Setting aside the fact that the removal of the medication probably played a role, I think your son is jealous of the dogs. He believes you love them more. Read your post with objective eyes and consider the effect of the words you use to decsribe your son, v the words you use to describe the dogs. And consider how the natual changes as your son grew older, that of course you got less affectionate with him, was probably about the same time you got those dogs to cuddle.

Yes, your needs and your sanity matter, but how does it look to HIM?

I would not hospitalize your son. It will damage him. Have him talk to a counselor first, and see if he can take real world type of responsibility for what he did in his outburst.

Do something to show him that no matter how hard you seem to be on him, he IS your number 1, the being you love most. And SAY it.

Sorry for typos ... I'm on my phone. Will try to come back later to enhance and clean this up.

Hes been hitting teachers for years, and breaking things. Its just the one dog he tries to hit, not the female dog.
Most of the time he loves (or seems to) love the dog that he attacks.

All weekend he had been so loving to the dog, petting him gently etc.

I described my dogs the way I did so you would know that they were not some horrible, scary evil dogs that do
anything at all to be attacked. He attacks the dog when its sleeping. It is not doing a thing to him to be attacked.

Most of the rest of the time my son is a great kid, hes smart, funny and is usually good in school...I sign him up for any activity I can
to stimulate him and get socialization.

Its just that some times things he does can be extremely upsetting to me that he does.

Take for instance when he was 12 or 13, I had spent scads of money and time collecting and researching and buying GameBoy games
for him that he wanted over the years. He must have had at lest $6000.00 (maybe) worth of rare and old and used Gameboy and DS
and NeoGeo etc games I would drive to the end of the earth to get him what he wanted...They were all in a big plastic storage tub
I went into his room one day and he was in there and looking very guilty (we all as parents know that look)
Before I even noticed a thing, He looked at me and said, "Its NOT PEE!"
I was like whats not pee?
"Its not pee on the games"
And well, it WAS indeed pee all over the scads of rare and old games, and they were all ruined.

Another incident was recently I had given him a brand new bedroom in the house and went to clean his old room
to use it for storage, and I found out he had taken 2 of my dresses out of my room and cut them all up with scissors
and had completely broken a toy Story 2 Bo Peep doll. He cut her clothing up into little pieces.
He asked me if he could look at the Anime Cookbook and I said yes but DO NOT CUT ANYTHING OUT OF IT,
Of course I found 2 pages cut out from it.

2005 New Years he asked me for a PSP game and I took him specially to get it, happy to do so.
not only did he have me pay the $59 to buy the game BUT he knew the entire time the PSP was in his trash can
all broken up.

I have grounded him, made him PROMISE not to do these things again and this stuff still occurs.

My son is not the type of kid that rushes home from school to tell me excitedly anything.
Its like pulling teeth to get his days activities at school or camp out of him.
"What did you do at school?"
"Nothing!"
"What was your fave part of the day?"
"Math"
"What did you work on?"
"Multiplication"
THEN
"I dont wanna talk about it anymore!"

I guess I should mention that his father has schizophrenic tendencies and a rage problem himself
(it was too late by the time I realized it, I was fully pregnant)
I can see when he gets angry he gets the same expression on his face...

I take him places, buy hm things, am active in his school, Tell him what a great kid he is and how proud I am that
he does so well in school.

Although I cant be ALWAYS and forever "ON" and chipper about everything he shows me hes done on the
computer. I try to say at least 1 good thing about it. Nice layout, great use of colors etc.

There has been times he says hes stupid and I tell him hes not hes really smart etc and if I keep reassuring him he starts getting
angry, so I just shut up.
The teacher notices the same things, Like if we tell him to, for instance, "stop banging the desk" hell do it more, "Please stop banging the desk"
3 times...then he throws things and gets angry,

And just like his father after one of his rage incidents, I dont think he really knows why he did it.

Maybe he thinks that hes the reason for my depression but hes not. Ive had a horrible childhood and its effected my whole life
and ruined it. But I do try my best with him.

I have to add that it always seems to be the times that we are all relaxing and happy and after good times that something happens.

Like we had had a nice New Years that year, we went to the parade and everything, then I discover the PSP smashed in his trashcan.

Everything I do to show him I love him he trashes. Why would you pee on your games?

BTW I did ask him why I was bad that day, and he just repeated that I was bad.

How do I deal with that?

Im a social person, I love to talk, but if someone wont answer me, and tel me whats wrong how will I know?

Can he express why he's mad? Maybe he does it because he wants more time from you. Seems like he's getting all of his material needs met. And after having a problem cutting things up, do not make the scissors available to him. And if you specifically tell him not to cut something up, then you should be watching him. My first impression is that he's lonely and wants more attention. However, I clearly do not know a thing.

Again, have you thought of using pic cards to find out why he says you are bad? Social stories? Does he read? There are some good stories out there.

First I dont know what kind of pic cards to use though

Second No he never does tell me whats wrong.
When I, for instance, ask him why he broke this or that, he says, "because I did"
But why? "Because I broke it"
But what is the reason you broke it?
"Because I broke it"

See?

You could take a picture of yourself petting the dogs and a sad face next to it.

you could take a picture of yourself and him reading a book and a smiley face next to it.

You can also do primitive stick figures or cut and paste pictures from magazines to get the same effect.

Think of other scenes you can create to express reasons why he may be experiencing an emotion. Put these images in a book and when he acts like that, try and bring the book out.

Does he know what jealousy is? Can you ask him if it makes him jealous? Regardless of the answer using some type of visual tool to get at the reason behind why is a good idea. You need some kind of communication from him if you can get it.

You can have him help you create a book. Maybe he can help you think of things that make him mad, sad, jealous, etc. And you both can create the scenes.

I mean what if it is just the dogs snoring that annoys him?
If the dog falls asleep he wakes him up, repeatedly.

He needs to know that its not acceptable AT ALL!

Hell, I will sit and put up with all kinds of noises that he makes and listen all day to him playing CIRCUIT BENDING Videos (look it up)
on YouTube and let him watch QVC and HSN allllllllll day to make him happy.

If I can put up with hearing this all day long
Google this "Circuit Bent noise box II "
^^^Imagine listening to that all day over and over

He can put up with one dog snoring

And Ive mentioned ALL of this to his Psychiatrist and she blows me off.
"Its part of the autism"

Really? so Im supposed to live like this forever?

Ill go mad!

Also, is it my fault that my jeep has no AC and its been 95-103 degrees for 2 weeks straight and hot in the house (i have ac) and
I cant take him anywhere on the weekends? Does he know that I cant drive 30 miles in 100 degrees just to go sightseeing?

Im trying the best I can.

What do people with JOBS do? I have no job and Im home 24/7 Ive never been apart from him in his life sans school, grocery store and camp

Living in families where more than one person has special needs takes a lot of creativity. The need to make noise can be as strong as the need to not hear it. Negotiate and empathize.

Sorry for the way I wrote my first post. The new info makes it sound like I missed the mark ...but do consider that jealously doesn't have to be rational to exist.

I'm seeing a few issues in the new information:

1) Classic autistic meltdown behavior. THE best help I can give you there is to direct you to Tracker's free book, which you can download for free at ASDStuff.com. Once you understand meltdowns better, work with your son so that he will take responsibillity for recognizing the build up and seeking help in mitigating the situation. If you search prior posts you'll learn more about how I did that with my son; how well this can work will depend on how strong your son's condition is. Still, you have to try.

2) Not completely sure, since it could all connect to the meltdowns, but I'm seeing some self-destructive temper in there, as well. Why does he wreck his own stuff? Because in that temper he sees himself as unworthy, and he is punishing himself. Again, he'll need to learn coping steps and how to mitigate the situation before it is out of control. Anger management counseling or classes might help. Meanwhile, I think he has to take responsibility for what he did Gwen angry by fixing what can be fixed, paying for replacements, etc. It's a real world consequence. Don't get angry; he already hates himself over it. Just say you are sorry he has to feel that way, and he needs to take responsibility for what he has wrought. My daughter is the one with a temper in our family, and she's moved onto sometimes just crying For hours on end. I think she was avoiding that before, didn't want to give into the feeling of pain. But sometimes you have to. She also says that Karate helps.

3). Sensory issues. That dog's snore might be nails on a chalk board to him. Move the dog or move your son so that they aren't in conflict. Telling him he needs to deal with it obviously isn't working. Don't expect him to be reasonable; all he sees is his need to not hear it.

I don't think he really wants or needs things. I think he wants to feel less alone, like finally someone understands him. Basically what most teens want, except for an AS child that perception of being misunderstood has more basis in reality.

My guess, anyway. I only have my instinct when I write, but it is fascinating how often that can steer one right.

And sorry for all those typos again. Still on the phone. At the poll with my kids.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 26 Jul 2011, 9:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Just a thought, could a short term solution be to let the dog sleep in a room that your son doesn't have access to? I know that wouldn't solve the underlying problem but it might help the dog in the mean time.

Dogs sleep 75% of thir lives. When the dog is sitting next to me on he couch hes likely sleeping daytime or not

Make pictures of things that you think might be upsetting. Or talk to him about things that might be upsetting. One thing I've learned is that you need to be creative and you need to figure ways to try and understand why the behaviour is occuring.

Sounds to me though that you are just really interested in venting and not really in creative solutions. Sometimes venting is just what the Dr ordered. It's great because it makes more room in your soul for more crap. he he. I was diagnosed aspie as a child and now call myself NT because I am mostly NT now. I also am bipolar so know lots about finding creative solutions.

You need to be flexible. If your son needs to be in the same room as you, teach the dog to sleep somewhere else. You say things are so bad that you are considering hospitalizing your son, which from what I've read on these boards usually makes things much, much worse for the child ... Then you should be willing to try anything and everything. I know the dogs are your sanity, but your son is your CHILD. There MUST be a way to compromise.

A very common reason AS kids act out is because they are overwhelmed, unable to cope in their environments for any of a variety of reasons. Almost everything that is normal to us is stress to them. Remove as many potential stress factors as possible and then see where things are at.

As I said earlier, meeting your needs AND his may require some creativity. People here can brainstorm with you when it gets to specifics. But you have to be open to compromise.