Teacher called my daughter lazy

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My 6yr old daughter told me that the teacher called her 'lazy' yesterday and threatened to give her a verbal warning, if she didn't pick up the pace. I'm so angry and I also feel guilty for taking my daughter to school this morning. She's not lazy, she has concentration difficulties and also has problems switching tasks. She hasn't been fully assessed yet, but I thought the teacher understood these things. I've been crying, or close to it, all morning. My daughter also says that the teacher is becoming more and more short tempered with her, as time is going on. She does frustrate people, and I'll be the first to admit it, but this is getting out of hand. I've arranged to speak with the teacher, but I feel sick about my baby being in that environment today.

Just to add to my concerns, the teachers moved a few children yesterday, too. They've taken away the last non-problematic, bright kid, from my daughter's group and have replaced her with one of the kids who needs a lot of support. My daughter, who is easily distracted, is now in a group of kids who do nothing but distract her. The only saving grace is the lovely little boy who sits next to her, but even he has psychological issues. I'm glad he's there, but I'm wondering if they're trying to turn her group into a 'problem child' group. Is that how they see her? That's a horrible thought. She's not cheeky, violent or disruptive (unlike several in that group). She's actually very caring and would never harm a soul and also very bright, but needing support to keep her on track.

We had been considering home-schooling (mainly due to my lack of confidence in the school to deal with bullies), but in December my daughter seemed to be making proper friendships. We didn't want to take her away from that, so we decided to keep her in school, whilst keeping on top of the bullying worry. But, those friendships haven't survived beyond the Christmas holiday, no fall-outs, but she's back to being a roving child, or more often, lonesome. My parents don't think I can cope with her all day, on my own, and are very negative about me suggesting it. They also said it's like letting the school win. I've heard other parents of kids with additional needs saying the school just wants the 'normal' kids and are very unsupportive of them. They also appear to be unwilling to challenge the 'normal' kids who step out of line - which is an all too frequent occurrence - if the teacher never saw it, it never happened. My parents suggested trying other schools, but I don't even know where to begin.

Am I being too quick to just throw in the towel with the school? I'm not good at face to face confrontation (I'm quite happy to write a strongly worded letter or e-mail) and I sometimes feel it would be easier all round if I just did the schooling thing myself.

I homeschool my 6yo son, and he has MORE freinds becasue of it. I am not sure where you live, but here there is a huge homeschool community, lots of support and activities for the kids to get together. Becasue it is smaller increments, (meaning not the same kids for 6 hours every day) the kids are able to handle my son better, and he is able to manage himself better.

Not saying that homeschooling is for eveyone, but it is possible, and it ISNT about keeping your kid isolated from society. Actually, my kid is MORE in society now then he would have been going to reg school. He actually has freinds, and positive experiences and interactions with kids. It is the best solution for us.

So, has the school won? NOPE, my son is the winner, casue he is surrounded with love and people who accept and care for him, and kids who give him a chance. He is able to learn to his ability and has success every day!

good luck with what you decide. I did tons and tons of research before deciding on homsechooling, and it has absolutely been the best decision for my son and our family.

Thanks MMJMOM

I'm glad it's working for you and your son.

I'm really not concerned about my daughter becoming socially isolated, as I don't see this happening, but thanks for mentioning it. She goes to several after school classes and that's where she appears to be doing most of her socialising, as there's not too much of that going on at school anyway. I would increase these activities too, if we went down that route and I'd try to make the playdates a regular occurrence, instead of how they're organised at the moment (last minute style).

To be honest, I'm concerned about getting involved with a home-schooling group. About 18 months ago, I had a serious run-in with a mum, who is very active in our local groups and I would want to avoid her (and wouldn't want her son near my daughter) at all costs. Without going into too much detail, she has mental health issues with violent tendencies (I've no problem with her having mental health issues, just the violence) and I was frightened for my personal safety. If I hear she has left the country (which is likely), I will get involved. Until then I'll not be approaching any groups. It's a shame, but I don't think it should affect my daughter too much. I love taking her to activities outside the home, so we will meet other people regularly and she always makes a temporary friend, as she's very friendly.

Another discussion with my husband beckons this evening.

If this teacher thinks placing all the problem children in a single group is a good idea she is rather incompetant, she's essentially giving up on them - I think the teacher is lazy.

Please explain to this teacher that the your daughter is not lazy, she has mental health problems - and that her suggestion that your childs mental health difficulties are character flaws are insulting and damaging to her self esteem.

Amen. Lazy, poorly trained teacher. She might have great social (political) skills, but the ability to smile prettily and nod politely does not a teacher make. Broken educational system-- apparently not just in this country.

A lot of people have a very negative attitude toward home-schooling. It doesn't matter what you do or what you tell them-- they have a bias and they're going to stand by it. More or less, ignore them.

This isn't "you vs. the school system." This is you, trying to find what is going to best serve your daughter's needs. If that's public school, so be it. If that's private school, so be it. If that's home school, so be it.

Study up before you start. There are all kinds of methods, and all kinds of support. Homeschooling can be very successful, and does not have to be isolating-- just don't try to go it all alone.

No, I don't do it. Yes, I have considered it. It's a last resort at this point-- but it's because I think I lack the discipline and organization (read: executive functioning skills) to make a really good go of it, NOT because I think there's anything wrong with the practice.

I suggest that you make a written formal complaint about the teacher, which should be sent to the principal. The teacher, by making an allegation of laziness, was actually making a presumption of guilt, so argue that the teacher was acting illegally in doing so. Failure to allow for conditions which would give the appearance of laziness is what makes it a presumption of guilt. Use this to include a threat of legal action in your formal complaint letter, demanding that the teacher is sacked.

Hmm reminds me of my first grade teacher, and I don't blame you for not wanting your kid to endure her behavior.

Truthfully, her actually saying that out loud is a gift: I know my son's math teacher thinks that, but she's too savvy to say it out loud and get caught, making it doubly hard to address. No teacher should call any child lazy, and she should be called on that whether or not you stay at the school - but be aware that she's either going to deny saying it, or she'll say the word was taken out of context. Either way, the teacher needs to be aware that words have consequences, just like our kids have to be.

Your daughter is getting outside treatment, right? If so, call them, explain the situation and tell them you need an advocate to come to the school with you. Have the advocate do the talking and explain the clinical situation. Make sure that you mention she needs to be socialized with NT kids, and while you don't mind her being placed with other struggling kids on occasion, she can't be isolated from the rest of her peers.

If you're not getting outside help - I highly recommend it. Find someone to advocate for you: if your insurance won't pay for it, see if you can find someone through a charitable organization like a church or Goodwill or even your local autism society. These kinds of meetings are really hard if you don't have someone matter-of-fact by your side...but you shouldn't let it go. Otherwise, carefully draft a letter to the school with your concerns; if you want someone to read it, post it here - I'll be happy to pop in and give you an outside opinion.

I keep going back to this, but someone here mentioned half-day homeschooling, which is our plan B if things don't go well in Middle School. Less burden on us at home, some time to socialize normally, but less exposure to teachers who think or say words like "lazy." We haven't tried it, but I like the idea.

If my parents hadn't taken me out to homeschool me when they did, I would have probably commited sucide by 7th grade.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond to my post. It permits me to feel justified in being so angry about it. After posting this morning, I spoke to a few mums in the playground. There were all shocked at this and one said that she wasn't really surprised that this particular teacher had said that. I'm going to have to think about how I'm taking this forward. I can't allow it to be ignored. The meeting with the teacher (and maybe depute head) will be on Monday.

Momsparky
My daughter isn't getting any support at all just now. The system is remarkably slow here. She was referred for a speech and language assessment (this is the first step here) a year ago, but only had a triage appointment in June. We are still waiting for the proper assessment, which is likely to be in the next few months. At the triage appointment, she was referred for autism assessment, but it's likely to be the summer of 2013 before we see a paed or anyone else that might be involved in the diagnostic part. She has not even been visited by an educational psychologist yet, as they are waiting for the results from s&l, before they proceed. I'm meeting with another WP mum soon and I'm sure she'll be able to advise me on local services.

I think your approach is very important here. As long as it's just the teacher telling her to pace up, and you accept her the way she is, she sounds safe to me. That being said, your solution may be right, I don't know.

I have to point this is the "not my kid" situation. Your daughter needs certain accommodations at school which probably demand the teacher pay more attention to her than other children. The same goes for the children in your daughter's group. I frequently came across similar situations years ago when parents of those with various spectrum disorders always wanted their children placed in higher functioning groups than the children actually were because they felt the child;s potential was only as high as those around them, and they did not want their child to be the highest functioning member of a lower functioning group. But most of the parents were of this mindset, and if most of their children were in the groups the parents wanted them in, then there would be no groups and the school would fail to cater to the childrens' actual needs.

That aside, the teacher should not have called your daughter lazy, even if she was being a bit lazy that day. There is nothing more frustrating to a child to be called such a thing when they are actually trying their best, or perhaps they were overwhelmed, confused, or were tired from not sleeping well. I would speak to the teacher but I would try to avoid being confrontational because if the teacher gets upset with you she might take it out on your daughter. It's very possible the teacher has things going on in life that are stressing her as well.



Why is this? Some children, even if they don't have AS, need help in maintaining friendships. They need their parents to say things like "Why don't you invite x over to play?" or even just arrange the play date themselves.



Again, the goal is not to be confrontational (though it might be unavoidable that the teacher become defensive). I would simply state that you were concerned that your daughter might be having some difficulty in class, get the teacher's side of the story and decide from there how you wish to address her. You might also try a new school.

Hi Chronos, thanks for your reply.

The thing about the group situation is that the other kids have serious behavioural problems (no ASD kids that I'm aware of) and are very disruptive. One little boy frequently bares his bum and shouts 'X has peed his pants', whilst the teacher is there. And there's a boy and girl who constantly fight. My daughter can't concentrate, while all this is going on, yet she gets the blame for not being able to finish her work. Her concentration is particularly poor, so of all the kids in the class, she's the one who should be kept away from these kids. She isn't disruptive at all. She's also a little bright spark (the other kids in the group are struggling with counting to 20 and getting past the basic reading books), but her potential has no chance of being met, where she is at the moment, and I fear she will start to fall behind too. If she was in a group of quieter kids, the teachers would need to spend much less time with her, as she wouldn't be so distracted. She would not disrupt any other group either, so I doubt any parents would complain about her being in their child's group (unless she's doing stuff that I've not been made aware of). I'm not saying the problem would be solved (as obviously some of the incidents cause distractions for the whole class), but I'm sure this situation is making things worse for her and the teacher. If they feel she's such a problem that she needs to be placed with these kids, then she really is in the wrong school. There's one other child in the class, with a much more obvious ASD. If he was in my daughter's group, I'm pretty certain he'd be having regular meltdowns.

As for the friend situation, she has regular playdates and gets on well with them, but never plays with these children at school. I don't know why. I've told the teachers of my concerns and they said they would do this and that to help. Have they? No. None of what they said they'd do has ever been attempted. Every meeting we have I get a sense of deja vu and I feel they are a complete waste of time. More shockingly, a few days ago, my daughter fell asleep in the playground (she's been having problems sleeping at night) and no adult showed any concern for her.

Anyway, I thought we were meeting the teacher on Monday, but I had a note from her yesterday saying the depute head would call me to arrange a meeting. I have no confidence in this woman and I don't expect to receive any call from her at all.

These are a few of the reasons that I chose to homeschool my son. He absolutely didnt and wouldnt qualify for anything but a gen ed class, but when I fought for it, they said they would give inclusion, which here is 26 maybe 4 of whom are IEP kids, the gen ed teacher, with a special ed teacher half the day to help the TEACHER. There is no way my highly distractable kid would learn in this setting. he is also advanced, WAY advanced in most subject areas. he would learn NOTHING academic in his chronological grade level. That there is enough for me to homeschool. But there is so much more in the school setting that wouldnt work for my son. He was in preschool for 2 years with the same kids and NEVER played with them in school. We did make playdate regularly and we to this day see the kids we befrended, biut in class he never played WITH them. He would play near them, but not join in with the kids play. I still dont get why, but he didnt.

Thanks again MMJMOM,

My husband and I have made the decision to homeschool - although we said 'yes' to each other, we are still really apprehensive and still hoping for everything to improve at school, last minute miracle style. My parents aren't at all happy (I know that shouldn't matter). I've somehow managed to argue with my dad, for the very first time in my life. We haven't actually told the school yet and I was hopeful that something might come of the meeting on Monday, but that's not happening. Our plan just now is for next Friday to be her last day, unless the teachers can suggest alternatives.

I don't like bigging my daughter up too much, but here goes. I know she's really smart, but her performance at school is kind of average and does not reflect her abilities. She reads much better at home than she does at school, I'm certain of that, and she can whizz through her maths homework (asks if she has been given the wrong homework as it's too easy). Her science knowledge is more like that of a 12 or 13 yr old. She's very interested in that. Unfortunately, the teacher they get for science (not the class teacher) appears to know less than her and actually argued with her one time (teacher was definitely wrong), but my daughter hasn't corrected her since, thankfully. I don't think the teachers are aware of just how intelligent she is, because the distracting environment doesn't allow her to show it, although, her creativitiy is quite apparent. But, that does worry me a little too, as they may perceive her as just arty, not academic too.

If I can manage to persuade my parents that this is for the best, I'll be completely OK with our decision. I don't like arguing with them and I really need their support.

Hi Mummy of Peanut

I started homeschooling my son last April and am very glad I did, wish I would have done it sooner. He was routinely placed in behavior classes, where the focus was on controlling behavior rather than creating engaging lessons which would draw the kids in. My son has a terrible time with attention and the way to keep him learning is to keep him engaged. Having him as the smartest kid in a group of mean and wild kids was a very bad mix.

I get a lot of ideas and support from www.secularhomeschool.com. The point of that website it to discuss homeschooling from a non- religious basis. Many of the supports out there come from a religious perspective.

Good luck, I'm sure peanut will benefit greatly!

Btw - we have found the greatest success by homeschooling, rather than trying to school at home. Recognize that you only need to do what works for your child. Schools are structured to provide for the many, so you don't need to do it like they do.