HFA Teen behavior: disability vs intentional/learnt

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Hello All,

I have 14+ teen who was diagnosed with PDD and ADD as a toddler. Currently having issues mostly explainable by OCPD (rather OCD) , anxiety and some aggression. Would like to hear the opinion of other parents and forum members who themselves had been thru it.

First some comments made by the kid, showing his maturity on rare occasions or indicating he does understand the things.
- Dad you want me do this as all you (dad) want is me(kid) to be a success.
- Dad you don’t want to do the thing I (kid) am asking you to do as this is stupid thing to do.

But irrespective of above rare statements the boy keeps on doing stupid stuff (since many years) and keeps on asking parents to do things which are stupid. No punctuality. No keeping of promises. Lack of discipline. And we think that some part of it is taking advantage of parent's leniency. It makes parent’s life difficult, but that is not the issue. The issue here is by doing things on purpose is the kid learning bad behavior. So how to recognize what is due to disability and what is intentional?

Below I will list a few incidences. Please provide your comment based on these.
- Watches too much TV/Video. About 7-8 hrs on hoildays, 3 hrs on school day. Would say will stop at so and so time, but will keep on postponing by making excuses.
-If we talk to him for more than 3 mts while watching TV, will extend TV watching time by 30 mts as he made his own rule that our 3+ mts interruption gives him the right to extend TV view time.
- Will ask us to waste money on fixing cosmetic issues with game consoles etc. Just ordered second copy of Wii manuals as the original copy is bit torn Wont read pdf files on computer.
- Trying to pursue us to buy a new car as he thinks he will be able to drive in a few years and wants to enjoy riding in the same car before he drives himself. We told him we will buy if there is a family need. His logic ‘is not his wish’ a good enough reason!
- Basically extreme OCPD. His own way of thinking and forcing parents to do things.

So far we have never called 911, but usually have reduced the conflict by making compromises. But if we call the cops, will it be a positive in the long term for a HFA OCPD ADD teen or it can lead to traumas.

What you think as parents if you had been thru it?
If you yourself had been thru these type of issues. In the hindsight what you think would had been helpful, more or less strictness from parents?
Do OCPD teens will benefit from more discipline?

TIA, Raky

I know I'm not a parent, and I'm still technically considered to be a minor, but whatever. I have some things to say about this.

First of all, I would be very careful about involving the police, and research how they handle kids with mental illness carefully. There is not a standardized way to handle a young adult with a mental illness/developmental disorder, and some of the ways it is handled can make matters worse in the long run.

I have to admit, I'm a little concerned when I read "His own way of thinking and forcing parents to do things." Either your child has special needs, or he doesn't. Needs aren't negotiable. OTOH, you as parents aren't forced to do anything - even though it may not seem that way, you have much more control over what happens in your own home than a minor child does over anything in his life.

Are you concerned that your parenting choices are being driven by this child's aggression? That is a completely different issue, and one that I think needs professional intervention when you're talking about a teenager: I would find someone who specializes in both autism and OCD and ask their advice.

Maybe this will help: the root of the word "discipline" is "teaching."

I have AS, and my four kids are NT, although my boys had/have ADHD (the oldest seems to have outgrown it or can handle it ok now), so this is my perspective and just my opinion. Take from it what you will.

You are the parent and if you want the tv off and he won't turn it off, go over and turn it off yourself. He may pitch a fit, but so what? If he breaks things of his when he's throwing a fit over the tv, do not replace them. If he breaks things of yours when throwing a fit over the tv, take away something of his and have him do chores or something around the house to earn the money to replace the item, and when he's done that, give his item back to him.

Don't be afraid of displeasing him or making him temporarily unhappy. Everybody is unhappy about something, sometimes. If he gets his way all the time from you all, he will expect it from everyone else in the world and when that doesn't happen he can end up in big trouble. Telling him no is for his own good. You are his parents not his employees, and it sounds like you are at his mercy over some things.

Sure it will be loud and stressful for a while once you start putting your foot down, but that eventually passes. You have to stick with it for a while and see how it works. Give it two or three weeks of being firm and not giving in before you decide it's not going to work. Make sure you sit him down and have a talk with him about how things are going to be changing around there. Also give him a written list of rules that he has to follow and have rewards for following the rules.

When a kid has gone overboard like that with getting their own way all the time, the longer you wait before you take back control of your house the harder it will be for you and for him. It won't be pleasant, resign yourself to that. Make sure he knows that if he tears something up, what will happen. If he does tear things up and keeps doing that over a few weeks, then he may not be able to help it. The only way that I can think of that you can be sure which it is, is by trying to take back control.

This of course depends on his functioning level and his understanding of the situation.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Would like to thank SammichEater, momsparky and OliveOilMom for all the helpful suggestions.
The kid is already on medication since two weeks and we have started the psychotherapy. Will see what impact those have. We have also started allowance/budgeting for cosmetically broken things he wants to fix, but due to his OCPD traits he still chooses to waste that money. Sure he has disability since birth, but like all parents we want to do best we can do for him.

Many places I read the persons with OCPD behave OK with the authority and with people outside the family, but behave differently with the family and the people they think they can get away with. That is exactly what we see with him.

So the question is how much more strict we can be and help him without causing any grief for him.
In the medium/long term would it be a good idea to have such teen in a boarding school etc.
Would he learn better life skills there under authority or he will become more miserable there?

TIA, Raky

My answers below in bold.