My 17 yr. old son has been diagnosed with AS- request advice

Post Reply New Topic

My son Jay is 17 and has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. This diagnosis was given to Jay by a Psychologist that Jay has recently started seeing.

This diagnosis is not a total surprise. Jay has always had some of the symptoms of Aspergers. Someone once described Jay as having “Shades of Aspergers” and that description seemed to fit.

We have never discussed any diagnosis of any kind with Jay. We have discussed with Jay his strengths – bright, funny, caring, handsome, photographic memory … and special in so many ways. We have discussed his challenges – mostly socialization, some difficulty with casual conversation with his peers, a high level of anxiety, some difficulty in organization...

We are now planning to have this discussion with Jay – that he has been diagnosed as having Aspergers. We are planning on having this discussion with Jay this coming weekend.

I am looking to present this to Jay in the best possible way. I do not know how this will affect him, how this will impact his frame of mind. I am concerned that this may add to Jay’s level of anxiety.

I want to present this as an intellectual discussion. I would like to present to Jay stories of individuals that he can relate to. There was a recent article and video in the NY Times “Navigating Love with Autism” that I would Jake to see. I believe that the main character in the story is someone that Jay can relate to. I would like to present Jay resources – reading and on the Internet – if Jay wants to research this, which I know that he will. I would like to present Jay with WrongPlanet as a support group that he can turn to.

I am looking for advice and guidance on how best to approach this. How should I present this to him? What resources should I and/or Jay be reading? Where can Jay go for support? What should I be prepared for?

Any and all input will be greatly appreciated. If you can share personal stories on your own experiences it would mean a lot to me and I am sure it will mean a lot to Jay.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Ron

Welcome to WP!

Your son is very lucky to be at a young age today and not 20 years ago. When I was his age, there wasn't such a thing as WP or the Internet as we know it, today. I hope that he does join WP.

I am 47 and have recently been formally diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. Although it is difficult to predict how someone will react to an initial diagnosis of AS, I can say that for me I experienced relief. All the challenges I experienced for years were not my fault. I experienced more self-awareness, which actually caused anxiety because I was unsure how I was affecting the people around me. I see a therapist once per week. She is helping me understand that what doesn't bother me bothers other people. My description of myself is that I was on a space flight to Vulcan, but the spacecraft took a wrong turn. I ended up on earth, an alien among the aliens.
For your reading pleasure I suggest any book written by Tony Attwood, an Australian therapist who treats children with AS. I suggest books by Temple Grandin. I recently read a book called "Finding Ben" by Barbara LaSalle. This is an excellent book. If you have a Kindle or Nook, you should download these books. They may also be available at your local library.
The most important thing is to accept your son unconditionally. Embrace his differences. The world is a difficult place that doesn't accept differences in people, especially those with AS. He needs to be assured of your unconditional love.

My 2cents is that Asperger's is a spectrum. A color. A perspective... a band of perspectives. A viewpoint. In my experience the biggest "problem" we suffer is empathy. Not sympathy. By and large we don't "get into" the ins and outs of other people's lives.

My advice is to send Jay to college, and to keep him there for as long as possible. Encourage him to take part time jobs.

That article you are talking about, Jack and Kristen both have facebook pages if he would like to friend them and join the online community.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Jack-Rob ... 8027494211

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kirsten- ... 9135232493


I think once he understands that his brain works differently from NTs he might feel relieved to know that there is a reason. Once he sees that there are many other teens out there just like him, he will feel excited about being part of a community that understands him.

This is a highly recommended book when he is ready for it.

http://www.amazon.com/Freaks-Geeks-Aspe ... 1843100983

Also

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome - by Tony Attwood

http://www.amazon.com/All-Cats-Have-Asp ... 1843104814

I'm Jack's dad. You might find my Be Different book useful. It has stories of growing up and fitting in, many of which were inspired by raising him. My own story of growing up with Asperger's is also popular - that is called Look Me in the Eye

I'm also 47 and was dx'd a few years ago. It wasn't a big deal to me, more of an "Ahhhhh, that's why...." as it explained a lot of my quirks and difficulties. However, I was 47 not 17, and had no concern whatsoever about what AS may do to me socially, careerwise, romantically, etc., as it is not a progressive disorder. Being a middle aged housewife and mom and functioning at basically NT level, I knew that with me, what I saw was what I was going to get basically. However knowing about it, and doing some research on it helped me to understand why I reacted in the ways that I did, and knowing that helped me find ways to deal with things in a different and better way for myself.

You said he's bright so I'm assuming that he is of at least average intelligence. If that's the case then I would just tell him "The doc said you have Aspergers. It's on the autistic spectrum but you aren't going to regress or lose speech or anything like that. You don't even have to tell anyone unless you need some specific support in a certain area and you certainly never need to tell your friends unless you want to. Why don't you start Googling, check out the WrongPlanet.net forum and website, and then we can talk about it. It's not a big deal, and you don't need specific therapy or meds for it unless you are having difficulty and want them. So, check out the stuff online and let me know what you think. Lots of people have it and it's not picked up on until late in life or sometimes not at all with some people. It effects people differently, and you can determine exactly where you sit on the high - low functioning scale after you do some looking into it. It doesn't change who you are."

The less of a big deal you make it out to be, the less stigma he will feel about it. If he is regular 17yo kid functioning level, and you come at him with "Well now we know you are special needs, and we can get you this therapy and that class at school and change this and that and treat you ever so gently now" then he's going to envision himself sitting in the small class with a helmet on and no friends or some such ideas. I'd say talk to the school counselor, and talk to Jay. He's 17 so he should have most of the input on what he wants done at school about this.

Hi, I'm not a parent. I am a 49 yr old man who is self-diagnosed as Aspergers-Autism Spectrum. And I try and be a pretty good guy.

Now, if it doesn't feel right, Plan B is to ask the psychologist to disclose to him. This is a little bit of an awkward situation, one since at age 17, Jay's right at the cusp of manhood, and two, he may have thought he had a real back-and-forth with the psychologist who he thought was leveling with him.

And, most important, continue to be open to things to feel good about him. He wants his dad to think well of him.

Young adulthood can be a tough time, esp. the whole subject of jobs and employment. There really are beliefs in wide currency in our culture that someone can find a job if they want it bad enough, that someone can 'will' themselves a job. (Oh, if only that were the case!) American optimism and the can-do spirit are great, but we probably take this too far in this area. And so, if you might find yourself saying something like this to Jay, perhaps just graciously and matter-of-factly recover.

For example, if you say, 'You need to walk in there with a positive attitude.' (Believe me, I have walked into places with a frozen salesman smile and have overplayed this hand. It is much more about playing a steady eddie game and being open to reciprocate in a medium way when they make a friendly overture.)

And so, a gracious recover might be: 'Of course, it's still a numbers game.'

What is he interested in? I would find someone who has Aspergers who is famous or who is well-known in an area of his interests . . . aka, Temple Grandin for design/mechanics, etc. A film I JUST started watching last night but didn't finish (kids) is 'Just Add Water', which is about a young professional surfer who has Aspergers . . . Clay Marzo . . . so far, it looks really well done. Low key, and he may really relate to it. Plus, to see someone like him doing what they love and successful is powerful. Best Wishes!