Okay, let me start this off by saying that I think my ex is a wonderful dad. We were married for 6 years, so I know him quite well. He ALWAYS has our son's best interest at heart.
Our son is 3 1/2. I have been living across the country from him (I'm in FL, ex and son are in AZ) for about 6 months. I haven't seen him since shortly before his third birthday. I talk to him on the phone regularly, and he seems to be growing and learning rapidly. I wish I could be there to watch it, but I have to get myself and my life straightened out first, THEN I will move back to that area, so I can be an active part of my son's life.
Now, a few concerns.
First off, my ex is becoming more and more involved in the Mormon church. Which is great for him! I am glad he has found somewhere where he has a sense of belonging. I used to belong to the church too, but as hard as I tried, I just could not hang my faith on their beliefs. Don't get me wrong, the vast majority of Mormons I have met are wonderful people, who will bend over backwards to help you, even if you are not a member, don't share their beliefs, and don't pay tithings, which is more than I can say for a lot of churches and faiths.
It is not the people I'm worried about, it's the doctrine. Not the doctrine of the Mormon church specifically, but the idea indoctrinating children in general. I am all good and fine with my son believing anything he wants to. We are a peaceful and tolerant family, and I believe that my son will grow up to be a peaceful, tolerant person, no matter what faith or lack thereof he chooses. There is the key word: Choice.
I have seen it too many times to NOT be a little scared. Children are brought to church by their parents from a young age, and grow up AFRAID to believe anything besides what their church teaches. I don't want that for my son. I never want him to be afraid of reason. I want him to feel free to make an informed decision about his own beliefs once he reaches an age where he can comprehend and analyze what is being taught to him. Adults have this ability, young children do not. Adults can say "Hey, I really like that my religion preaches [X], but I disagree with [Y]." It might just be a touch of paranoia, but from what I've seen, churches LOVE to start 'em early, so that by the time they reach the age of reason, they will be scared s**tless to disagree with [Y], no matter how unreasonable it is.
Another paranoid concern:
Before the first time I got pregnant (I had a stillborn daughter who would be 5 now) I had very different beliefs on parenting than I do now. I was only 19, and I hadn't given much thought into how I wanted to raise my children. All I knew was the way I was raised, and the parenting ideas promoted by mainstream society. It was really only an accident that I stumbled upon some eye-opening information on a few subjects, and began to question the status quo. I continued searching for information, and what I found changed my whole outlook on what it means to be a parent. I am so grateful for my discoveries. I hated the way I was raised, and I still struggle in my relationships with my parents because of it. I wanted better for my children, and I found a lot of resources that have proven helpful in raising my child with the respect and dignity he deserves as a human being.
My husband and I had many, many discussions about all sorts of topics. Even topics that we didn't realize were topics, because we had never even considered any alternatives! The more I learned, the more I shared with him. We did not always agree right off the bat, but we both agreed that we wanted the best for our child, and we discussed matters openly until we had reached an agreement. In fact, he ended up agreeing with me in the end on nearly everything I brought up.
This is now my concern. Did he agree because he truly, in his heart, agreed? Or did he agree because he really didn't feel like putting up a fight? I don't really know. If the latter, I'm a little worried. I am sure that, at some point in his life, he will find another woman. That's great! I really hope he does, he deserves it! My concern is that this woman, who could potentially be my son's new stepmother one day, might disagree with the way we have chosen to raise our son. I have been there. I dated and lived with a man who was constantly telling me what to do with my son. It can be very tiresome. For the record, he had a kid too, and I never ONCE told him how to raise his kid, because it was none of my business! But I am a very strong-willed person, confident in the choices I have made. Not sure if I can say the same about my ex or not. He tends to be very agreeable to what other people say. I sincerely hope that I am just being paranoid, that he would not choose to be with a woman who would treat our son with disrespect. However, I know that sometimes people are so blinded by love that they sacrifice their own beliefs in order to maintain it.
I don't know, I hope I really have nothing to worry about. So far everything seems fine, and our son is a happy, well-adjusted, confident kid. I just want him to stay that way.
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The status is NOT quo!
15 Feb 2012, 10:16 am
