Hosting a play date in your home?

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Hi, growing up, I wasn't allowed to go to anyone's house (latchkey kid, parents worked 2 jobs, and bad neighborhood). I usually plan outside play dates for my kids at the movies, parks, and scout activities. My dd (10) was invited to a friend's house, now the friend wants to visit. My home is pretty modern and cool (IMO), just messy with 2 aspie kids and 2 recently adopted kitties. I feel anxious having people over because I feel like they are going to judge me.... like my humble home is going to be on display and my lack of organization plus lack of housekeeping skills will show.

I was wondering what other moms think about when they visit someone else's home for a playdate?

I know I will have to REALLY clean the house, but are there somethings that are a given/ that I must do? That are expected of my kids, as hosts? Tips?

Please be specific even if it seems obvious. Thanks.

Hi,

OK, here are some things off the top of my head.

First, some parents may judge your house, but most will not, at least in my experience. In fact, I like it when I visit the home of another parent and see some clutter and mess--then I am not afraid to invite them to my house, even when it's less than perfect (and my house is never, ever perfect). Other parents have said that they feel the same way, and I believe they're being sincere.

It's more important for the house to be clean than for it to be tidy. Clean bathrooms, clean kitchen.

In our area, the first thing that happens on a playdate is usually the shoe issue. Kids and parent come inside. Then one of 3 things happens:
a) the kids take off their shoes
b)the visiting parent tells his/her kids to take off shoes
c)the visiting parent says, "Should we take off our shoes?"

If b) happens, you can either say, "Oh, take them off if you're more comfortable, but don't worry about it" or say nothing if you want them to take their shoes off.

If c) happens, you can answer honestly. I usually tell them to do whatever makes them most comfortable.

Then the host child usually wants to show the visiting child his/her room or special play area. If the parent is not staying, he/she will probably ask when he/she should return (OK, I'm going to assume it's a mom from now on so I don't have to keep writing "he/she"!). I usually suggest a time about two hours later, maybe a little longer for your dd's age. I try to avoid getting into meal times.

I usually discourage tv or video games during the first playdate. If the kids are dying to watch TV or play a game, I would make sure the game is rated E and try to make sure they do other things as well.

I make sure to have a couple of fairly novel things for my Aspie to suggest in case the kids run out of things to do--like a new package of Model Magic, or making/baking a snack. I also make sure my Aspie mentions any especially cool stuff we have to play with--when he was younger, it was our mini-trampoline and ball pit, but now it is our air hockey table.

Hmm, I usually offer the kids a snack at the 1/2 hour to 1 hour point.

My ds tends to tell the other child the house rules in a very bossy way. At his age, he understands that some rules may be bent during play dates, but not others. This has always been tricky for us, though. Just think about what your dd is likely to do. Is she likely to yell, "No! No feet on the coffee table!"? If so, discuss it beforehand, and practice or do whatever you do to prepare for new social situations. And be sure you're in earshot of the kids during the play date, if possible.

When the other parent comes, I always tell them their child was a wonderful guest (unless something really major happened, in which case I probably would have already called the parent--something like the child broke the TV or something! Not that that has ever happened to me!)

So, to back up, before the play date:

--clean
--make sure you have a few different snacks (you can ask your dd what the kids at school really like, if your dd goes to school)
--have your dd put away anything that she would not want to share with her friend, such as precious possessions
--possibly discuss with your dd whether she should put away anything that may seem odd or young to her friend, like an obsession with, say, Fisher Price Little People. It's up to you guys how to handle it--now that my ds is 14, I tell him how people may perceive his interests/stuff and then let him decide whether he wants to let it all hang out or control people's impression of him more.

Thanks goosemom and blondeambition for the great advice. We are renovating our guest bathroom so there is more clutter than usual...I told my kids that no one is invited over until we are done fixing it up and they have to keep their rooms clean. It helped hearing that some messiness is to be expected with kids and pets, so it is difficult having a squeaky clean home. Also, that the extreme is what gets noticed....green pool, hoarding, uncared for pets, etc...we are not in that stage. Just messy, esp now with the bathroom renovation. You've given me much to consider and I will definitely go over many possible play date scenarios with my kids.

I grew up never allowed to have guests. One main reason was my grandma didn't want to "company ready" the house for a kid.

When I became a mon, I decided that having kids over would almost always be a yes (unless we were Ill or husband has worked late).

So anyway, when my eldest was about 5, we started having said playdates and he also started going to other homes. Our practice is for one of us to go with him, check the house (from the main area, we don't snoop) and meet the parents. I remember what an eye opener it was that most people with children have fairly messy homes. There are a few friends with really neat ones, but mostly they are messy enough.

This process actually helped me to feel much more secure. When checking out someone's home, they key should be do I feel safe leaving my child there. Newspapers and toys on the couch won't cause me to feel insecure. Knives laying around, maybe not so good.

In general, look around and see if there is anything that would cause someone to feel unsafe, that is number one.

Depending on how old your child is, have a few plans of things for them to do that most kids like and your child enjoys too. For us it was the swing set, trampoline if weather is bad cooking something fun. Painting or play dough and worst case we have a movie. My son wasn't great with playing games or toys with other kids, he needs his way too much.

Now I'm remembering you said she's 10 right? I dont have good ideas for that age girls except the cooking and crafts are usually still good. (I have two boys).

Does your son/daughter actualy want to have a playdate? I was the sterotypical "in one's own world" autistic kid and wanted nothing to do with other kids. My parents would often arrange playdates for me with the little sisters or neices of my older brothers' friends and looking back it seems that if strange little girls came out of nowhere and my parents were expecting the two of us to become BFFs just like that. I hated other people touching my toys and making up the stupidest backstories for them or messing up how I had arranged them. I don't like people going through my things as an adult and as a child this would often result in a meltdown. My parents say that I would usualy just retreat into my bedroom and not come out until the other child finnaly went home. My mom would have to entertain the other girl so it was really more of a playdate between the other girl and my mom. I don't really remember much of my early childhood years so I'm just going on what my parents say. When I started school, I wanted to bring "friends" over but my parents would always make up excuses about the house being too messy. When anyone was going to come over, my parents go overboard with the cleaning and make the house look more like a showroom in a magazine than a place where people actualy lived.

My Mom used to make me go to this girls house who would not let me leave. I would try to sneak out and she would chase me down the street and try to drag me back by my hair....thankfully her Mom or a neighbor would rescue me and my mom finally stopped making me go....I DID NOT want to play with her....I was very particular about who I played with and I think she was angry that I wouldnt play with her. I dont know, I was only 4 but it was very traumatic for me.

I could not handle play dates well with my kids. I have one NT daughter who is now 21....I finally relented on her 12th b day party and told her she could have a slumber party.....she invited ALL the girls she knew, she was very popular. I had 15, 12 year old girls in my house, I thought I was going to die....to top it all off my Aspie, her sister who was nearly 11 jumped off the loft bed and broke her foot in four different places. I had to have one of the other Mothers come and stay with the girls as my husband had to carry my daughter because I was about 7 months prego with my now 9 year old son......Ahhhh, such fun...NOT!

I can assure everyone, that my kids want to host play dates and want to hang out at their friend's houses. I am the one that is nervous about having their friend's and parents over because I am not sure what to expect, am concerned about my aspie kids' lack of hosting skills, and some social interactions leave me feeling exhausted. I usually host an event, like going to the movies, miniature golf, parks, zoo, hiking .......in which everyone is doing the same activity without them relying on me for entertainment.

@ liloleme, I will definitely start with only one friend over and take it from there, but I know I can't handle 15 girls at once!! I'll make sure to let my kids know my limits and work on some rules, practice etiquette and brush up on our in case of emergency procedures.

All the input I have been getting is interesting and helpful.