The trouble with helping relatives...

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My sister and niece are now living with us. My X-BIL is a deadbeat and does not do visitation or pay child support. This has left my sister with no financial support and my niece as an adorable black hole of need.

I am not entirely sure what all is going on with my niece. I know that some of her issues are because of abandonment, she clings to my husband because she has no father. She will run up to strange men and try to talk to them if we are not careful. One day she raised her arms to our landlord as if she expected him to pick her up, even though she is five and had never seen him before in her life.

Some things though seem very much in line with my fourteen year old son who is Dx'd Asperger's. She will not stop a sentence once she has started, no matter who tells her to do so or for what reason. She will argue with people on matters that she has no idea about. The other night she tried to say that her mother was older than I am, and neither myself or her own mother correcting her would convince her otherwise. Also my niece has no sense of sarcasm at all, one day when we had check ups for the other children she wanted to go too and I said to her, "It is not like we are going to Disneyland without you..." and she cried. Somehow this translated into we were in fact going to Disneyland and she would be staying home.

Does not seem to understand the difference between sad and angry. Will pat someone on the back almost violently in the interest of "consoling" them with no regard to whether they want her to or not. Will not look someone in the eye if she is being given instructions. If she does not like the instructions she will keep her expression completely blank. I have caught her more than once yelling at someone she has hurt, "I SAID I WAS SORRY!" as if to make them stop crying before she is "caught".

Some things seem not so much Aspie-ish. Will not respect personal space for any reason, consistently sits inappropriately close to people or will reach right under someone's rear end if they are sitting on something she wants such as a blanket. Makes mean faces if my daughter is getting more attention from my husband. Makes mean faces at me if I put her in time out, as if it is my fault she is in trouble and not her own doing. She will cry when her mother tries to explain appropriate behaviors to her, then stop crying the second the conversation has ended and then change the subject quickly to something completely unrelated.

Her intelligence seems average at best. Has little interest in cause and effect. Seems to believe that everyone should want to do what she tells them, even adults. Gets angry when this is not the case (which is very often). Acts as if we frequently leave her out of activities that the other children get to do, this is not ever the case. Despite that she will come running from the other side of the house yelling that she wants candy/playtime/tv watching too as if we usually send her to bed instead. Is tremendously bossy of the other children and will micro manage their free play. She has also recently begun physically shoving my three year old daughter to the point that my daughter will fall down, and even once today did this to my four year old son.

I am getting very frustrated dealing with her, but atm she has no insurance and does not start school until the fall so we are not sure how to go about getting her Dx'd. I am in a bad place. I kind of feel like I have done my time with the 14 year old's issues, and it leaves me with less energy to help with my niece. Also I feel like royal B having to constantly correct her inappropriate behaviors. But at the same time if I do not do it then my sister often ignores it.

Writing all of this down I am unsure of an Asperger's dx, but I do not know what else it could be. I am afraid she could turn out to be an adorable little sociopath at this point.

Just so you know most people with Asperger's and Autism have a higher intelligence, you seem to act as if it is the norm for them to be of "average intelligent at best"....sort of insinuating that average or low intelligence is more typical, its not. Also many aspies have space issues, either they dont want anyone near them or they are all over people. My son is one of the touchy feely aspies. We have to remind him that other 9 year old boys do not want hugs.

My Aspie daughter who is now 19 was 6 when I left her Dad and she did the same with men....she instantly latched onto any man who came to our house and my boyfriend who is now my husband. She became very angry and jealous after my son was born and has never gotten over it.

She may be very jealous because she has the hyper sensitivity to touch so she may need more cuddles and hugs. When she is in time out are you entirely sure she understands what she did wrong? I rarely use time out, positive reinforcement works much better with ASD kids....I have three of them out of my five. Two Aspies (Asperger's), I am also Aspie and my youngest daughter has classic Autism.

Because there is no insurance, if you live in the US you can go to your local Regional Center or call Easter Seals and have your sister tell them that she needs her daughter assessed for Autism. Do not say Asperger's as they tend to try to brush you off. Just say she shows red flags for Autism and you have no insurance. Both of my little kids were diagnosed through the California Regional Center and they also paid for all the therapy.

If you re-read Where I put the comment about her intelligence level...It is one of the things making me unsure what the problem is. At any rate it is considered average or above not just above average to make the diagnoses. I am also aware that sometimes the things that a child with ASD misses can make them appear less intelligent than they actually are, same as one with ADD/ADHD (which I have and realize that my topic jumping and short attention span makes me appear flighty or a bit air headed). There is also the chance of ptsd to deal with due to the different insane relatives they have lived with before moving in with us. Again from personal experience I know that it is a problem that makes one come across as less intelligent as it often shorts out ones memory.

It is not as though I hate my niece or my oldest child either, however I have my own handicap to deal with here in that on top of ADHD I am a confirmed introvert and having two non-stop talkers is wearing me right out on a daily basis. Also the discipline issues are very trying. We explain not to do something AND why, at least twice before she gets a timed time out for doing it the third time. Often this is within minutes of each time, and we know she will do it again tomorrow. These are not subtle social cues she is missing but things such as do not snatch things/boss/shove other children.

She is my flesh and blood, yet she is not my child. Still I feel that I do a lot more parenting for this child than I should have to and almost as frequently have to still be raising my sister who is only 3.5 years my junior. It drains my patience. Yesterday I felt like a cranky authoritarian grandmother instead of an aunt.

It does not help that one of the other issues making me unsure about her being on the spectrum is that she tries to manipulate frequently, she is terrible at it but it does not stop her trying. The thing is, this can be a learned behavior, my x was dx'd Sociopath by two different therapists and I had to deal with this sort of thing from my son for quite a while before it began to taper off. This manipulation factor made positive reinforcement not work for my teen, it just made him more inclined to try manipulation, do what they want until I get what I want then back to acting however I feel like.

Thank you for the dx ideas though, having retired military insurance we did not need free help to get my son therapy. I really had no idea how to go about this for the niece, was thinking we would have to wait for her to start kindergarten and have the school do it.

I live in Texas, and my son was tested by the school district before he started kindergarten and placed in a special education preschool program. (He was actually in the program for only one semester, but kids can start this program at age 3. There is something for babies, too, but it is way under-funded and hard to meet eligibility requirements.) To my knowledge, most states (if not all) will have testing and programs for preschool-aged children with disabilities, and they would prefer that kids be tested before they start kindergarten.

Some low-income kids are also eligible for free help from Easter Seals.

I would look up the special education department of your local school district on the Internet, call the contact number provided, and ask what to do.

You can also check out the "resource guides" page from my free website below:

http://www.freevideosforautistickids.co ... uides.html

I believe that across the US kids with potential learning disabilities including autism become the "responsibility" of the local school district at the age of 3. You can contact your local school district to see if they will asess. The Regional Centers sound like a great deal but they only exist in CA with similar programs in other densely populated areas. We have no such support anywhere in our state. Easter Seals however is likely to be active pretty much everywhere and could provide good help for your sister and her DD.

It sounds to me like your niece may be suffereing from fear of abandonment and possibly PTSD from actually having been abandoned by her father. She (and your sister too) really needs some professional help. Would your sister be willing to take some parenting classes? Many communities offer these at low or no cost. If your sister learned to cope a little better, it might take some of the pressure off of you. Good luck to all of you, it sounds like you are in a tough situation.

My daughter is an aspie and she has a very odd idea about personal space. She never wants anyone innitiating hugs or touching of any kind, but will often hug at the most innapropriate times, or get really close in your face...when she was younger and we'd walk down sidewalks, she was constantly running into me....like she couldn't keep her balance, except by knowing my body was right there.

My daughter is of above average intelligence by IQ standards, but cause and effect have always been a mystery to her. For instance, I recall her being about 5 and trying to drink hot chocolate. I can't count the number of times she burned her tongue on one cup of chocolate because she couldn't wait...and it was like every time she burnt herself her brain reset and she didn't learn the lesson that she needed to blow on it...let it cool down, etc. It was a torturous experience to watch.

She has all kinds of "mean" faces, but doesn't understand what other people's faces mean and has always had trouble with that. And she has trouble taking responsibility for her actions...I would always have to hammer the point home that she was actually getting consequences for something she did...but again, she has all sorts of issues around cause and effect...so it's not really surprising.

I was at a workshop recently where the psychologist said, "If you've met one person with aspergers, you've met one person with aspergers." That's really true. Just like NT's have different personalities and aren't all the same, people with aspergers aren't all exactly alike either.

One idea...why do you have to do so much parenting for your sister....you mentioned having to "raise your sister."? Does your sister maybe have some problems as well? I know that aspergers tends to run in families....my mom and I were just talking about all the traits my daughter shares with my dad...who was very difficult to grow up with.

The greatest trouble with helping relatives is that they seem to feel a greater sense of entitlement to your property and resources than others, and solely by virtue of being related to you. They somehow seem to feel that you are obligated to help them and place their needs above your own.

Another issue is that relatives, by virtue of the false sense of entitlement, will have less respect for your wishes and your property than would a stranger who knows that he is an object of your charitable actions, and who knows that you can withdraw your charity at any time.

Finally, a relative may actually feel that he or she is doing you a tremendous favor with every act they do for you - they may wash the dishes once (for example), and then claim that they do all of the housework.

Screw 'em. Better yet, give them a one-way bus ticket to anywhere, and tell them that they are on their own.

Does your sister think she has an ASD? I wouldn't necessarily say she has an ASD and that's why she's acting the way she does. It sounds more to me like she has had a very unstable early childhood, hence the acting out, clinginess, etc. Little consistency can lead to a lot of the behaviors you are describing. Even if she doesn't have an ASD, she can still qualify for the early childhood education classes that have been mentioned. I also live in Texas. We have something called PPCD (It's like Preschool Preparedness for Children with Disabilities.) Children are assessed by a full interdisciplinary team. Our district is particularly wonderful with students. The child can qualify for any ASD, speech problems, Emotional Disturbance, ODD, etc. and they go to the school that houses the program. We only have one school that houses PPCD, but that's because we are a smaller district. Even going for a semester can really help. Also, those students will be followed by an ARD committee, have an IEP, etc. before starting Kindergarten. I had my son recently assessed by our committee. It was found that he doesn't have an ASD. However, I got some really useful information, like that he is a tactile/kinisthetic learner, he needs to go to Kindergarten as soon as he's five, because he seeks challenges, etc. My friend's little boy who is adopted has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and has many issues because of that. He qualified for PPCD due to his behavioral problems. It benefited him tremendously, he is in regular ed kindergarten this year, has his IEP and will be reevaluated at the end of the year by the team because he was first assessed at three year of age and kids are retested every three years. He's done very well!! I think if your sister is concerned, see about getting her evaulated with the local district. It's free and she can benefit from the services if she qualifies. Plus it will give you and your sister peace of mind and they may be able to help your sister instill some good coping/discipline strategies for her. God bless you for taking your family in!! You're a great sister and aunt!!

I do not think that my sister is on the spectrum, but our parents were... very bad parents. Emotional and Physical Abuse, bad care takers... could not cook or clean house or would not. As a result we did not learn to do these things. Where I taught myself, she has not. At 31 she does not know how to cook and is very passive/passive aggressive.

When they first moved in, my niece would not even wipe her own butt even though she was nearly five. My sister's explanation was that she had not done a good job of it so she just went back to doing it for her... instead of reteaching. It is multiple things like this.

As far as her father, she has never really known the guy. He was there for her birth and almost nothing after that. Gone, back again, but kicked her and my sister out and got divorced for some chicken head who was looking for a steady paycheck. As soon as he no longer worked the other woman left him.

This is a lot on my plate, and I do try very hard to be fair and keep perspective, however I am also raising my own aspie. In addition I have three other children, one with hearing difficulties AND I am pregnant. (Yes, in fact, my husband and I do happen to know what causes that.) So I am running an eight person household. Five of them are children, but there are days when it seems like six... and my husband is an injured Vet. So there is a lot going on. I wanted to help, my husband wanted to help, but there are times when it seems my sister is not proactive and has scorn for what we try to do for her. My husband is all for moving them both out. I want to keep helping them, but I feel as though I may not have the emotional resources for this.

To be honest I am not sure she realized there was anything wrong with her daughter's behavior before I sat her down and said, "Listen, you need to understand that this behavior is not age related. There are issues, they need to be addressed." And we have made some progress. I have got this girl, who when she moved in would not anything with nuts or sauce or any other host of food issues, to eat all manner of things now. Several types of nuts, lots of different sauces (we are Cajun) different types of cheeses (even goat's milk cheese and in a salad no less!) and the other night a vinaigrette! The girl who does not like anything but Ranch! Even my sister's picky appetite has improved and both have a healthier appearance because they have learned to eat my cooking and I do not really do prefab mixes. I make two or three meals a day from scratch.

The other day my sister made a remark that frustrated me, "Well she is better at everything than I am..." speaking of me. The thing is, I have made an honest effort to improve myself and she has not.

That last thing seems like a deep set sibling thing though that she may not be able to get over on her own. It sounds to me, and probably to her as well, like you are kind of awesome. You do have a lot going on and I certainly can empathize that you feel right now ill equiped to handle everything. Yet somehow you are doing it. It seems like your sister feels like she somehow got the short end of the stick.

i don't know what might help with this....a chore chart perhaps...sitting down with all capable people in the house and dividing chores would definitely help you out. Maybe get her involved in cooking this way. I need help on these days with these meals. No, it shouldn't be your job to engage her, but it might help you inspire her to something more than she's doing right now...or it might not, but I don't think it would hurt either.

I do think she honestly feels that way. She can come to your house and you can fix everything...but for some reason (whether learned or genetic), she can't seem to. It sounds like if you can get past that basic resentment with her, she could learn better skills, which is probably what she needs.

I suppose that could be true. To me though it just feels like I am doing what I need to do. I taught myself to cook and came to realize that I relish the creative outlet and it is a mode for me to express my affection for my family and friends. In addition it means we can eat healthier because processed food have tons of sugar/salt/chemicals. Also I can feed my small army for less money than if I used boxed things.

As far as being awesome... mostly I feel old. LoL. She seems to expect me to know everything. I had to look up foodstamps/medicare for her. She thought I would just know. It varies by state and I had almost no experience with it. Just six months after I left my abusive x-husband, and in another state no less. It was about ten years ago as well, so no help. The things I do know about she seems like she does not listen to. It is so frustrating, like I have two teen aged children.

Again, I don't know that your niece really has an ASD or if she's just not had good structure. The butt wiping thing is something that takes lots of practice and small kids tend to mess up on that a lot!! (Hence why I have my four year old really clean his bum well with a washcloth and mild soap in the bath - lol!) Anyways, point being, it seems like your sister isn't the best mom on the planet and her kiddo has some issues because of it. Even though you are tired and run ragged, you are probably her first sense of stability in her short, young life. I can't imagine what all you're having to do for your whole family, let alone the extended bit. Parenting styles differ and you know, kids are a product of their environment.

I could imagine that she thinks you just somehow by a lucky twist of fate "got" good at stuff and doesn't realize how much concious effort you put into improving yourself. If you haven't already, you might try explaining that to her. She could be just as good as you if she were willing to step out of the victim role and commit herself to making improvements in her life. She is currently being given a gift that provides a great place to start - your support.

Sorry if I came across as abrasive, I do that sometimes. I know what its like trying to deal with kids with issues when you are ill or have a handicap as well....I dont consider my Aspergers as much of a handicap as I do my Ankylosing Spondylitis and we also think that I have something called Ahlers Danlos syndrome as well which I think is very common with Autistic people and I am thinking of proposing it to someone who works on autism who my husband knows. There are about four different types of Ahlers Danlos syndrome, some you would know you child had at birth and it is fatal in many cases. The type I have and I have noticed many autistics have is the common type where you have very flexible joints and soft stretchy skin and can cause odd discoloring of the skin and problems with ingrown hairs ect. The only problem with it is that when you get older it can cause problems with your joints, pain and weak muscles and tendons. Since I already have a joint auto immune disease and many other people with Aspergers and a few with auto immune diseases including Anykylosing spondylitis. Ahlers Danlos syndrome can also cause a rare autonomic nervous system disease called POTS (you will have to look that one up if interested it is very long and involved but my 19 year old daughter who has the symptoms of Ahlers Danlos syndrome and she also has Asperger's had nearly all the symptoms of POTS). It can also cause some intestinal and stomach issues. I used to sit in very odd positions and I was very flexible (still am in my hands) until some joints in my pelvis and my SI joints started to fuze from my Ankylosing Spondylitis. I will have myself tested for Ahlers Danlos syndrome when Im in the hospital with my ortho surgeon in a few weeks. He wants to assess what type of surgery I need that will keep me out of my wheel chair more or possibly forever. He and my Rheumy know that there is more wrong with me than my Ankylosing spondylitis but they just cant figure it out.....as my Rheumy says, Im an interesting case.

Anyway, I hope that you can find some help for your little niece. I have had a lot of issues with my kids my oldest son (24) had very early onset bi polar disorder and the doctors told me I was nuts, that little kids did not get bi polar and I just spoiled him. His Father was abusive and he and my two daughters also had a strong need for male attention. My son was diagnosed at age 12 and started using drugs around this age. He started using Heroin around age 18 or 20 but was doing really well. Found medication that worked for his BP and was clean for nearly two years and got depressed, stopped taking his meds and tried to get high one night on heroin but forgot that he did not have the resistance that he did when he was an addict and he overdosed. He actually did not take that much for his size and it would have been nothing when he was using but it was enough to take his life. Its been very hard for me. It seems like life is so hard lately and I just have so much going on, my Autistic daughter (my youngest, will be 7 in April) is having severe issues in school as they do not understand autism. I have a post up about it. My husband is going in on Monday and basically telling them that we are doing something, either only sending her to school for half a day and doing her work at home and she has her therapy days at the center, next year we will put her in the same school my son is that has a autistic class. My son has aspergers but he also has LD's so he is in the class with 9 other boys that have everything ranging from low functioning non verbal autistics to ADHD all with LD's. They told us that our daughter would regress in the autism school. I have to buy my daughter pull ups now and she has been potty trained since she was 3 and hardly verbal. She used to love school now she hates it and she has meltdowns several times a day......I need someone to throw me a lifeline.
Sorry to high jack your thread.....also I meant to say your niece sounds HYPOsensitive to touch not hyper....meaning she craves touch and sensory input. I would try tight fitting clothes or those shirts people use when they go boogie boarding or any type of weighted vest.....you can look up online how to make your own or if you send me a message I can help you to find one. It may help her and calm her down. Also if she will drink it chamomille tea helps a bit.

Again good luck and I hope things work out, I hate to see kids in pain and I know how hard it is to have family living in your house, especially when they have issues....wont go into that, this post is long enough!

Well I called our local school district to try and set up testing. Naturally the head of their Special Education department seemed confused as to why I was calling instead of my sister... I just told her I was taking care of it for my sister as she was at a doctor's appointment at the moment. It was not entirely fabricated, she really was at a doctor's appointment. I just left out the bit where all my sister has done is ask me what to do when I told her I thought her daughter needed help.

In addition I got the number for a Goodwill sponsored training program in our area. I was advised that she should call that herself. I guess we will see on that one. She has access to a computer, yet she has done nothing to try and get herself out of this situation. I have to give her specific websites or she cannot seem to do it. She accidentally gave out my cell number to telemarketers when trying to find the website to fill out for state benefits. *sigh* I do not understand how someone with so much more "experience" in college than I have is so poor at basic computer skills. She cannot even type properly.

At any rate, my husband took her to the local benefits office to get put back on state help. So at least my sister and niece will have medical insurance. Today we had to pay out of pocket for my sister to get her ear looked at due to a possible ear infection.

Thank you all for your suggestions, like I said I had not needed to deal with the financial aspect of this before and was not sure where to start.

There is a Regional Center in almost every state Bambaloo so I dont know where you got that information.