Hitting a parent

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We have a problem.

Youngest is 4, somewhere on the spectrum, and is just starting to really take off verbally. He still uses a lot of jargon, talks very fast in what may or may not be actual words, and isn't capable of carrying on a true conversation for very long at this point. Not abstract ones, at least -- he'll convey facts easily enough, but "why" questions generally get no response.

My wife had spinal fusion surgery last month. She's doing well, but her mobility is deeply impared, she's now using a cane, and she's in almost constant pain. I spent a month at home to help her in recovery, and I'm now back at work while she's home with the kids. Eldest is in school all day, Youngest is in Headstart in the morning.

And Youngest has recently begun hitting. Not at school, where he is apparently a perfect angel (who has only just started asserting himself when other kids try to boss him around, ironically) but at home. And only his mother. He doesn't hit *hard*, but right now it doesn't take much to hurt her. He's tried to hit her in the back, for instance, which would be agonizing if he connected. And this morning, he took a swing at her cane, which could have resulted in a serious injury if he'd knocked it away while was using it for support.

He does this when his will is thwarted. When he's told to stop pulling away when she's holding his hand, to stop leaping from the steps and risking hurting himself, when he's not given the food that he wants. And he doesn't do it to his brother, or to me -- he yells at me, telling me that "I am so MAD at you right now!"

We use time outs with him; he sits on the step, grudgingly and usually weeping, when I tell him. When his mother does so, he is starting to ignore her. And in her current condition, there's nothing that she can do about it. I can, and have, sat with him and made him stay in place for a minute or two -- I haven't even had to do that recently.

I've talked to him about hitting, and he clearly knows that it's wrong. Last time, he hid his face as soon as I brought it up, and then went and buried his head in the couch so that he couldn't see me at all. It's definitely a shame reaction, which I suppose is good. Ish. At least its something.

I'm not worried about the defiance, in and of itself. He's four, testing boundries is what he's supposed to do. But I'm deeply concerned that someone's going to get hurt. We're not going to use corporal punishment, for a number of reasons, and even if we did I doubt that it would work.

Any suggestions?

First of all he is angry with her for being ill. I know this because I have been through this. I have a bone disease called Ankylosing spondylitis which fuses your joints together. I was diagnosed when I was in my late twenties but after that every other doctor I saw said that my doc was a quack and I just had an injury. So I was happy that I did not have this disease as it can cause spinal deformities. About three and a half years ago I had another serious flare and I did the typical things that I did when this happened, I went to my doc and he would put me on NSAID and pain meds, when I felt better he would send me to Phyisical therapy but this time I didnt seem to get better. He did another MRI and saw that my L5 S1 disk was destroyed and pressing on my nerves but did not go low enough to see that my Sacro illiac joints were fusing.....then he would have known that I had Ankylosing spondylitis. Even after I mentioned it to him a year after he was about ready to dump me and just let me take pain pills the rest of my life and maybe some holistic type things, I asked him if I had AS he said no because it would have shown up on the MRI.
I found a neurosurgeon who was doing a disk replacement study, the surgery was free and he said I was a perfect candidate and I would be a new woman.....I had the surgery and I was a new woman, I was worse!

It was then that I started going to see a sports med doc who I asked if I could have AS he had done some injections in my spine that didnt work but he wanted to find out what was going on. He looked at my MRI and told me that he didnt know about my SI joints because the MRI did not go down far enough.....so my other moronic doctor didnt even check. anyway, my SI joints were fused, I do have Ankylosing spondylitis and I am now basically a invalid. I can walk in the house with a cane but need a tilted wheel chair to go out.

I have a now 9 year old son with Aspergers and a nearly 7 year old with classic Autism. They are accustomed to me now as its been 4 years since I started and I have gotten progressively worse as time has gone by. Before my surgery they were used to me taking them to the park, playing with them and getting down on the floor with them. None of these things I could do after my surgery. My son would hide my cane and my grabber (thing I used to pick up stuff from the floor). He would yell at me, throw things at me and cry that I didnt love him.

I made huge efforts to do things with my kids.....I can not sit upright for more than a few minutes so we play board games on the bed or we make popcorn and watch movies. We do legos, we play.....I actually have more time now then I did before. Also you can try to take your son out and do things with him and drop lines like poor Mommy, I bet she wishes she could be here with us but soon she will be better and she will be with us. You could let him see Mommy do PT or go to the doctor with her and maybe let the doctor talk to him to let him know Mom will be better soon. Since he has issues with communication and if he understands PECS you could have your wife have a strip of "feelings" PECS and she can say "when you do that I feel _____ (point to the right PECS). Also make sure you include things like "happy" "proud" "love"....this will make him feel good.

I would not take him outdoors without someone to help Mom with him just to keep him safe. Do you have a respite worker or a friend or relative that can help?

You can also make social stories about Mommy getting better (I hope that she is getting better) and things you are going to do when she does. Maybe make a token box or star chart for him....when he is nice to Mom and does what he is supposed to do he gets a star or token and you can make a list of things to do and how to earn tokens or stars and the monetary value of tokens or stars (whatever you want to use) and he can buy things himself or get ice cream, McDonalds, ect. Good games you can play are shoots and ladders, candy land.....board games or card games are really good for kids with ASD because it teaches them turn taking, respect, how to handle loosing, and its fun!.....I hope you are all well and I hope your wife recovers quickly.

Rolzup, we've been dealing with this sort of thing for years, and have only just made some inroads in the last couple. There's a section in the Parenting Index on violence where there are a number of threads that detail a number of strategies.

What finally worked best with my son was helping him learn the precursor behaviors that told him he was angry (half the problem is that when he gets angry, his brain just switches to autopilot) before he started hitting, and to go to his room preemptively. This took an awful lot of work, willingness on his part, and therapy - and I'm not sure a 4 year old would be able to do it.

I was, as the mother, also the brunt of my son's violence - because I was the safest person he knew; he knew I would love him no matter what he did. Teaching him not to hurt the people that are on his side has been an uphill climb, but we're getting there.

Is your wife alone with him when these incidents happen?

If I attempted to hit one of my parents when I was younger (which wasn't often, and never more than a ceremonial swat), I was grabbed by the arm, swatted on the butt and scolded rather harshly, then dragged to my room or the corner and given a time out. It was really more the speed and fierceness with which this happened which had the most effect.

My parents were generally not very good at enforcing punishments but, but much like a person who only rarely swears, it had a very powerful effect when they actually did.

If you can afford it, you might consider getting some help from care.com or sittercity.com for your wife until she gets better from the surgery. The person would just come into your home and give your wife a hand with whatever was needed. The person could also play games with your child and do active activites with the child that your wife may not be able to do right now and assist with errands--either do the errands for your wife or come along to supervise the child.

Another option might be more daycare for your son until your wife gets better.

With my younger son, I had a c-section, and then a few months later, I had surgery to repair a hernia. (The c-section had not healed properly, and I had to be cut open again). I needed help with my older son while I recovered from both of these surgeries.

At four, you might try to replace the hitting with some other behavior. You have to give him something he can do on the spot, that allows him to express himself that is not as bad as hitting. Maybe teach him to do a stomp-stomp dance or something on the silly side, that is OK to do, that you can tell him won't get him punished. You want him, ideally, to do something that won't be another bad habit you have to get him off of (especially if you are teaching it, and telling him to do it), but I think the priority, right now is to get the hitting to stop.