Note from teacher

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It's been awhile since I've posted here. My son was previously homeschooled and now he's in school. With cautious optimism, we thought that school would be helpful for him.

A little history on the school situation. He is hyperlexic (taught himself to read) and reads on a very high grade level (not sure exactly what yet). His spelling skills are also quite exceptional. He struggles with math.

He is having classroom struggles that deep down I knew would manifest itself. It is definitely a validating thing to have a third party who spends a good deal of time with him. I suspect that some of these concerns could be sensory in origin.

Here's the letter I transcribed from a handwritten note:

Thoughts?

"The only solution I can think of for S is that I will have to have him sit at his own desk" - It should be obvious that he needs this! Sitting at a group table is a horrible work-environment for someone with Asperger's (as well as any introvert really!) These new group-philosophies of modern schools is ruining so much for so so many students.

First of all kudos to this teacher for recognizing his problems in class and telling you about them.

I agree that him sitting by himself might be a good solution, since it is known for aspies that sitting in groups might be bothering (especially if they sit this way all day). I also understand that your son doesn't want to sit by himself when all the other children sit in groups. A bit of a dilemma here.

Maybe the teacher should have a look at why he/she has the children sitting in groups in the first place.. Maybe it would be good for all the pupils to sit by them self for a while (and work in groups some parts of the day if the exercise allows that). I would think that the work environment in the class room is what cause you son to loose focus, and it seems that he recognizes this himself when he is complaining. An orderly and quite classroom is what is best for an aspie (and most other children i have experienced).

I agree that sitting alone during parts of the day is not a bad thing. I don't think working in groups the entire day is good for any kid, let alone one with AS. Does your son know he uses a high-pitched voice, many people with AS don't truly notice they talk in a certain way, often loudly.

First, some context. I am self diagnosed, because I grew up in the 1960s, when autistic only meant kids who didn't talk at all. And the fact I was hyperlexic (also taught myself to read, could read and comprehend Reader's Digest by the time I went into the first grade), a "genius", and legally blind also helped explain my weirdness. But I've had a few things that tended to confirm that self-diagnosis, including discovering some teachers' notes my parents saved... Mostly, they went on and on about how in spite of being so smart, I had no idea how to deal with other kids. (I used to get "You're so smart, so why can't you..." all the time.)

I understand exactly why he doesn't want to sit at a desk by himself. Yes, he needs it. Yes, it will help. But it will also set him apart - it will put a big spotlight on him: "This kid is different. Pick on him!" I don't care if he tells you he isn't bullied. He may not even be lying, because it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact people were being as cruel as they really were. They were simply incomprehensible to me. I didn't even really understand what bullying was. But there is a gut instinct that tells him he does not want to be in that spotlight, and if he is, it will do as much (or more) harm than having trouble doing the schoolwork. And I don't care if the teacher says he isn't bullied either; the worst things that happened went on right behind the teachers' backs and they never had a clue.

I can also tell you why he has trouble with math. As I say, I was hyperlexic, and read voraciously. I was also good at math - but it "felt" "wrong" to me in my head. Math is more restricted, more limiting, than words are. It is like forcing your mind to wear a straitjacket. I never - quite - got into a place where I could dig in my mental heels and resist enough to be bad at it, but if I had ever found half a chance, I'd have run with it. I'm not saying he's doing this deliberately, any more than you "deliberately" jerk your hand back from a red hot stove. When the stimulus is bad enough, you try to avoid it. There is no choice. And numbers, to a hyperlexic person, are chains on the mind. I even wrote a poem / rant about it once... "only basic, brutal meaning", "In numbers and scientific equations I find no way to enjoy life, only break it"... you get the idea. He has trouble because his mind is struggling against these chains.

I'm an adult now. I've done our income taxes various times, and although I can finish them in an hour or two, the experience leaves me feeling mentally beat up for a week or more. In fact, I'd actually prefer a physical beating; the aftereffects would be much easier to ignore. I don't expect you to understand this, but try to grasp this may be your poor son's reality.

As for the snippet I quoted: what people don't seem to get is if they are "minor issues", we do let them go. We soak up more crap than most of you can imagine, and only stick at the big things. We have to, just to survive. As an example: as I mentioned, I was born legally blind. It took until I was past fifty to learn exactly what I was born with (so much for "specialists"), but I have ocular albinism. The eye doctor actually apologised for shining a light into my eyes, because the condition makes me light sensitive. Now, this was no news to me - I got yelled at as a child for jerking away from the light by countless eye doctors. But in another way, it was a shock, because although having a light shined into my eye is painful, unless an eye doctor is forcing my eyes open, I can usually just shut them and ignore it, and even when I can't, well, this medically validated pain just disappeared down there in the welter of minor sensory issues. The things that really make me suffer? People call those "minor issues", even though they are so awful I'd rather stare into a Mag-Lite to escape them.

I've learned to ignore so much, to shove it out of my mind (granted, this learning takes time; I'm better at it now than when I was younger) that I can keep writing and not even be aware I have a migraine - until I stop. When I have nothing to distract me, some of my migraines hit me with such force, I can't even walk without staggering. But minutes before, when I had something to focus on and distract me, I wasn't even aware I had it (or, in the really bad cases, dimly aware I was shoving it into the background). I've written coherent prose, then gotten up to take a break and staggered across the room because the headache was so awful. It isn't that I don't know how to ignore "minor issues". If you don't live in my head, you have no idea what is a minor or a major issue, and this goes for your son. If the teacher can't understand this, feel free to show them my post.

I'm watching the thread; feel free to reply if you have any questions or need clarification. I'd like to think maybe your son's life might not be quite as awful as mine was, if I can help explain what it will take him years to learn to put across to you.

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of wonderful insight I get from posting on this board. Thank you all so much.

As for the seating situation, honestly it never even occurred to me until posting just how "big of a deal" this could be for my son. Reading the responses, I got flashbacks to my own school career, with each grade and I don't once remember sitting at a group table with others, maybe with the exception of kindergarten.

To address hadrian's question, he only uses that high pitched whiny voice when something is bothering him or he's trying to explain why his way is the best way and your way is dead wrong. He does it at home and I know exactly the type of scenarios that trigger it.

Wanderer, thank you so much for the insight. I had some clue as to why Math and other things are more of a struggle for him, but you made it so much more clear.

Is your son diagnosed, and does he have an IEP? Perhaps the district has some inclusion specialists that could give the teacher some suggestions?

No, he isn't diagnosed and doesn't have an IEP. He's in a private school.