Just an Update

Post Reply New Topic

All is calm within the home of Pandora Box. Which is rather surprising. We finally have P-boy on mood stabilizers and it helps out quite a lot. All though I still have to deal with his flack from time to time. He still locks himself away in his bedroom forever and only comes down if dinner is made. He doesn't talk to many of us, the only reason we know he's alive is that he's talking to his online friends loudly at night on his Xbox 360.

J-bird I think is a little depressed, lately he hasn't been really interested in his interest. And with all that has happened I can understand. With the death of cat, the familial divorce, and horrible bullying going on school he just doesn't seem to be himself. Now I know I stated all was calm, but calm doesn't always mean a good thing. But in this case calm means the two brothers aren't fighting and I'm not prying them apart any more. Now I am just dealing with emotional pieces that I have found lying on the floor.

I don't know how to talk to P-boy, I wonder if he's sad and upset, but just hiding his feelings. And J-bird has always been by my side, so it's easy to help him through this.

I wanted to create this thread for more of a loose update, than rather me making a complaint or venting. Just me talking.

I'm glad p-boy is doing a bit better. I can't remember his age...he's a teen right? Teens can be like that.

J-bird sounds sad...and I can understand why. Are there activities you can try to coerce him to try that might help him get his mind off of home life? Maybe just opening up the discussion to talk about why he seems not himself and then ask what you can do to help him through it?

I know you always do the best you can!

P-boy is 19 almost 20 this upcoming June

J-bird is 14 turning 15 this upcoming April

I took J-bird grocery shopping with me yesterday. Usually he makes a fuss and doesn't like going grocery shopping, but he seems less reluctant than usual. I just listened to him talk to me while in the car. I gave careful replies. All he can talk about is cats though. Our cat was a big part of our life. We had our cat for 17 years. That's a lot of life between the family. J-bird wanted to go to the shelter to look at all the cats. I took him despite I know I shouldn't cause dad gets upset. See I use to volunteer for the very same animal shelter and I got to know a lot of the animals. J-bird, however, pesters dad and us about the cute cat he saw at the shelter. He wants a friend I know it. But I don't really how to explain to him...that it isn't...possible. It's partly because of our fundage, we don't have the funds for another pet. But also because...a lot of us are still grieving a great deal. We're not ready and I don't think he is either.

Actually in the car I talked about that.

He says, "I miss my cat. There are cute cats at the shelter." [he has gotten better btw with speaking. J-bird always repeats words that he likes. He really likes the way certain words sound so he'll repeat them in a sentence. And he also stuttered for quite some time]

I replied, "A new cat may sound like a good idea now. But we won't be able to love the cat as much as we loved our old cat because we are still grieving and a new cat will be just there to fill an emotional void,"

He replies, "I know that."

I replied, "We need to get a new cat when we want a new cat. Not because we are hurt and missing something,"

He replies, "But it feels empty,"

I replied, "It will feel empty for a while. And that incomplete feeling may never go away completely. But we need to make sure the new cat is his own personality and his own person and we treat him as such. Instead of him becoming a replacement."

He goes, "I could love it like that,"

I said, "It may be to hard to love it like that while still missing our cat. We have to wait till the wound is healed,"

He sort of stopped the cat conversation after that. But was evasive when I asked about school. He didn't say much and distracted himself with umbrellas since he needs a new one. He also needs new shoes so he basically evaded certain questions by remembering things he "forgot".

P-boy did not come along for our adventure. He remained in his room and hasn't spoken to use all day today. Only brief interactions like giving me a video game back and holding himself up in his fort. And yesterday he did play some games with me, but talked about nothing important and wasn't really invested in staying with me.

Pandora, I'm so glad things are calm and your brother is talking, at least. I think that this is a typical cycle: lots of loud unpleasant agitation, then quiet sadness, then hopefully reflection and a time to talk things through and make them better.

Take care. I'm thinking of you.

I love them both and greatly regret that I had not done anything For them when I was younger and in my teens. And I sometimes am a little mad that J-bird so easily forgives me.

So J-bird and I are about 9 to 10 years apart in age. I am 24 turned last year and am turning 25 this year while he turns 15 this year. When he was young. I use to not have a very good control of my emotions back in my own teenager years; a lot of anger and frustration with no recourse and when I did have recourse I took it out violently. I use to have severe violent meltdowns which I took out on J-bird; P-boy was having his issues during this time and was actually sent away. I haven't always been the best brother. I was so worried about my own problems I made my sibling suffer.

I feel like I have changed and become a better person than that. But I always wonder why J-bird doesn't fear me. J-bird loves me more than ever and is completely attached to me. Actually it's my dad he avoids a great deal.

I'm so glad J-bird is this open to me. But still upset that he forgives. We had a sit down when I was in my early twenties and I apologized to him. He said it's okay cause he loves me.

Yeah and it does seem like these are always the cycles of family.

You are so young and do so much for them! You deserve to be loved, don't torture yourself about your past. You were in the same kind of place that they are now. You understand them better than anyone else. J-bird probably knows this, and appreciates having someone that loves and cares for him unconditionally as well. I hope you will be able to forgive yourself, just as J-bird has.

I try. But I have practiced my life through rational and logical thought. I have decided that I wouldn't let my own emotions affect me, however, at the same time it's like I don't want to find out that I am the same horrible person I tried to get away from. I don't want to in turn find out that I hadn't changed. I want everything that I have done to become better to be the truth. I want everything that I have changed to be the best.

Pandora, SC is right. Nobody is perfect. Even though I think I've always been a better parent than my parents, I wasn't a patient or kind mother to my son for a long time. I think a lot about the line in the movie "Temple Grandin" where the mother says "Well, if I did this, I can un-do it." Going forward is what matters. J-Bird knows that.

Thanks sometimes I forget that. I am perfectionist by nature and am always trying to improve on everything; I forget that I cannot be perfect.

The teen years are hard. Try not to beat yourself up. I ruminate too much, too. it is not healthy. You couldn't be such a good brother now to them, if you hadn't gotten your own deal figured out. They at least have you to help guide them.

Grieving for a pet is hard when you have so much other stuff to deal with. It is sad, I know, but J-Bird will adjust to not getting a cat, yet. I don't know if I should advise trying to get him on other things or not. It is bad for him to ruminate too, but you want him to be able to vent and explore his feelings.

When he switches special interests, how does he "pick one?" Does he ever cycle through old special interests and pick them up, again, or is it always a new one that seems to come out of thin air? If he cycles, you can can try to leave books and stuff about other prior special interests that he has (not cats) to see if he will peruse them. If not, see if you can talk about things that fall into any patterns he might have for choosing one. It is hard not to have a special interest.

As far as P-Boy, as you know, that is a tough age. I guess just try to give him his space for a little bit. Maybe just make a statement that doesn't sound too sappy, about being there for him if he wants to talk, but then give him some space for awhile?

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 19 Mar 2012, 8:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

He has only have ever one special interest and that would be Legos. And he has only ever played video games around Legos. He loves buildings and did models for a while, but didn't like them as much. Something about the cartoony look of Legos I think appeals to him. He also draws, he's an excelent drawer, but also seems to go back into Legos.



That's the thing P-boy avoids anything that is a talk. He locks himself in his room because he doesn't want anyone to talk to him. Especially dad. He hates lectures and hasn't done much to show the family that he cares about us. Staying locked up in his bedroom all day and the only time we hear him is late at night talking loudly when people are trying to sleep. He rarely does chores, he rarely helps around the house. He takes all the rewards and never does anything to earn them. In our house we have a saying that goes, "you earn your pleasures" But P-boy rarely earns his pleasures. P-boy is wonderful with music. He plays guitar and even composes his own electronic music, like trance and techno. He even pursued some new art media in college last year, but this year he's sort of didnt' sign up for the spring semester. Dad is po-ed at him right now, which makes P-boy avoid the family even more because he doesn't want to hear the "Responsibility talk".

All though I did defend P-boy a little earlier this week because I understand what dad is saying and absolutely agree. But it has been hard for P-boy. He has never been really good when he is overwhelmed or has a meltdown. He was always the "lone goth emo kid" [he likes black and that's what kids labeled him] so he never developed any social skills. He lacks in social skills quite a lot and he hadn't learned to control his social meltdowns. He had a big meltdown in college last Winter semester, he couldn't handle it. And he left the classroom. He called me to come pick him up. This was before he was put on mood stabilizer, which was recommended to us earlier this year.

Oh that's another thing P-boy doesn't drive. But he has a hard time understanding his speed and understand distance, so he sort of gave up on it.

Pandora, I'd recommend that you work with your Dad to set up a written contract for P-boy with chores on one side and privileges on the other. Let him know that if he wants to negotiate it, he will have to discuss it - otherwise, to get the privileges, he has to abide by it.

He's probably struggling with the communication part. Putting things in writing helps a lot. Simplifying things into "If __________ then _________" helps, too. I'd start small, with one or two major things, and then work my way up into the responsibilities you want him to have. Make the rewards really work for you; you might be best off coming up with new rewards for the time being, so he doesn't see it as having things taken away.

Thing is my dad doesn't want to put that kind of effort into an adult. It's hard cause my dad is just like us. He believes P-boy is an adult child and that the real world won't "coddle" him to do things. He says that he doesn't want to regulate an adult. He'll just let P-boy make mistakes until he hits a grave point and has to climb out. That's how dad parented me, when I was in middle school I made mistake after mistake after mistake and no one stopped me from making the mistakes. I made so many mistakes I hit the earth's core that's how big I dug myself into a grave. Without making mistakes we don't learn. Dad's already cut off from P-boy. P-boy no longer gets his alotment because he was using it on music stuff and not school and college stuff. P-boy is just getting room and board in the house. But dad doesn't seem to realize P-boy is not an adult. His physical age may be 19, but his mental age I'd say is around 16. The online people he hangs out are just as immature.

Well, what things do YOU do for P-Boy - I'm fairly certain, knowing you from past posts, that you're picking up his slack and making sure he gets what he needs - you can't control your Dad, but you can write a contract that's between you and P-boy only.

Well the site decided to crash and I wrote a pretty good reply. Let's see if I remember what I had said. All right sounds like a good plan and a good idea. I will do that make a contract with P-boy and then we'll go from there. My only concern is getting him out of his bedroom to discuss this. He rarely likes talking to people about anything; especially when it comes to stuff like this. He has this faint interest. But I'll see what I can come up with.

I did try spending some time with him earlier, he was sitting on the couch. I guess cause dad was at work and I was asleep and J-bird at school that he decided to come out of his bedroom. I heard the television though I have "bat ears" they call them here in the home. I sort of waited till I heard another show coming on and waited for the first one to end. Then I went downstairs. I have some weird er beliefs when it comes to television and couches and stuff. Anyway I sit on my usual end and he stares at me as if I have committed a sin.

Him, "What are you doing?"

Me, "Sitting. It's a couch, what are we watching?"

Him, "Freak."

And then he goes upstairs and turns off the television.

I wouldn't try to have a conversation: write it to him in an email or on a notebook. Give him room to respond. Let him know that you will assume that no response means he agrees to the contract, but you'd prefer his signature. Also let him know that you're corresponding but will be glad to discuss face-to-face if he prefers.