Son's father and I disagree on son's sleeping arrangements.

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Hi, parents! Is it okay to allow a 4 (almost 5) year old child to sleep in his own bedroom, as long as the bedroom meets his individual needs, and is safe for him? I intend to ask his occupational therapist tomorrow morning, but I would like peer advice as well as professional advice. It's all valuable, and very much appreciated!

I was hoping to get some input from other parents - as well as individuals on the spectrum - here regarding my son's sleeping arrangements. My husband and I have been living in separate homes for about 8 months, and we are planning to divorce. I understand that it would be ideal if we could agree on things for the sake of our children, but my husband has never been one to compromise with anyone. He is stubborn and unreasonable, and I knew that when I married him. I did not include that information in my post to complain about his attitude or behavior, but I felt that some background information may be useful with regard the input I am seeking.

The most recent point of contention is regarding our son's sleeping arrangements. My husband does not feel that our son should sleep in his own bedroom, and that I should share a bedroom with our son for his safety. I assume that my husband was implying that our son and I should sleep in separate beds, but I did not confirm that. I simply asked him not to discuss any potential points of contention with me in front of the children, and that it could be discussed later when our children are not privy to the conversation. I disagree with my husband, as our son has never truly had any issue with sleeping in his own room, or in his own bed. I believe that as long as our son's bedroom is safe and comfortable according to his individual needs (lighting is comfortable, decoration is not overstimulating, all possible safety measures have been addressed, etc.) that it is best for our son to sleep in his own bed, in his own room.

As much as I dislike these terms... our son is "profoundly autistic" or "low functioning" and currently requires a substantial amount of support to address his individual needs. Our son was recently approved for SSDI funds, and he has received a large payment for the time since I applied. My first priority in the appropriate use of our son's funds is to make his bedroom into a "calm room" for home therapy, which will still serve as his bedroom, and to make certain modifications to the home for his safety. Our son becomes very overstimulated when he has had a busy day filled with activities, and he has injured himself in the past when he has become frustrated. I also suspect that he experiences a great deal of frustration due to his challenges with communication, as he is presently almost completely nonverbal, and he is just beginning to communicate more effectively through facial expressions and other nonverbal gestures. His safety is at the top of my totem pole when it comes to the use of his funds, followed by therapeutic and comfort items for his personal use. I have also purchased some books to help educate myself about using an ABA approach at home, and Verbal Behavior. One of my goals is to be able to help him find appropriate alternatives to certain behaviors that have been dangerous or harmful to him, to help him complete certain tasks with some degree of independence - even if I must still supervise him - so he can feel a sense of pride and accomplishment, and to ease his frustration with the challenges he is currently experiencing with communication.

I'm not looking for anyone to tell me who is wrong or who is right, I am simply seeking input and advice regarding our son's sleeping arrangements. Please feel free to give any input or advice regarding anything you believe I may find helpful. I will be genuinely grateful for any responses that are made with our son's best interest in mind, even if each response isn't directly related to the topic of our son's sleeping arrangements. I simply want to do what is best for our son. I would love to know what you think, and I am happy to provide additional details if necessary regarding the safety modifications I intend to implement for our son. Suggestions and advice are more than welcome, and will be very much appreciated! Thank you in advance.

PS: Sorry for the wall of text. I was rambling again...

Unless he has issues of elopement (escaping and running off) I can't imagine what the issue would be in terms of safety as long as his room is appropriately child-proofed for his needs. Has he expressed his specific concerns? Was your son sleeping in your room before the separation?

It is possible if your son is accustomed to co-sleeping, that you could have issues transitioning him to his own room, but that is a whole different thing than safety. We ended up unintentionally, co-sleeping for a variety of reasons and that took some time to get him out of it. (He still visits when he is sick and for other reasons, sometimes)

I am inferring based on your post that since you say he has never had problems, that means that he is currently sleeping in his own room and his own bed. Therefore, I am also inferring that your ex is trying to exert control of your sleeping arrangements, not your son's--but that is just a cursory impression.

Thanks for the response, I was kind of thinking the same thing. Yes, the room is definitely safe for him, so his safety shouldn't be the issue here. It seems like another way for him to try to control certain aspects of my life although we're no longer going to be married. Our son has never expressed any discomfort with falling asleep by himself in his own bed, in his own room, so I see no issue with allowing him to continue doing that. I'd still be willing to discuss it with my husband, as long as the children aren't privy to the conversation. He may actually have a valid reason for bringing it up, but I doubt it. I'll still hear him out, it's only fair.

Our son did have an issue with leaving his room and getting into things around the house when I first moved here, but there are special locks on his door so he can only open it just a little to let me know he's awake in the morning, which he usually does by knocking on his door, and then yelling "mama!" if the knocking doesn't wake me first. I sleep in the adjacent room, so I'm just a moment away if he needs me immediately during any time he spends in his room without me. I also have a monitor that I can view him on, it has night vision, and I can even speak to him through a speaker on the camera stand. I can keep a constant watch on him if he is in his room and I'm in my room, or in another part of the house. There is absolutely no time when he is not being watched. All of the exterior doors on the home have sliding chain locks placed high out of his reach, so he is at no risk of fleeing the property and getting lost, injured, or worse. I've done quite well with making the house safe for him so far, but I will be making even more modifications for his safety very soon.

When my husband and I still lived together, our son slept in the same room as his twin sister. They actually sleep in the same room together quite well still, but only if they fall asleep in separate rooms and then one is moved carefully into the other room with his or her twin... depending on who falls asleep where. I'm a pro at moving sleeping children at this point. They will sleep through the night in the same room, as long as I allow them to fall asleep in separate rooms. I will eventually move our girl into her own room, maybe sooner rather than later. Our son is sometimes aggressive when he's upset.

Thanks again for the feedback. Have a great day!

UPDATE!

I spoke with our son's occupational therapist today, and she agreed that co-sleeping was a bad choice if he is safe in his room and there have not been any issues with his current sleeping arrangement. She said that forcing him to co-sleep without any good reason may cause him to fall into a routine that can be difficult for all children to break out of, regardless of whether they are NT or on the spectrum. She said to keep doing what I'm doing.

I kind of assumed that would be the final answer on this topic, but I had to ask both peers and professionals before discussing the matter with my husband. He is stubborn, so speaking with others often helps him be more flexible with how he thinks of things. I'll continue pretending that he meant well by insisting on co-sleeping.

When parents disagree, the version of the rules more restrictive to the child and the harsher punishment should apply in every detail of every case.

I think it would be fine for him to sleep in his own room, especially if it hasn't seemed to be an issue this far. I mean even if he is non verbal he would probably relate you having him sleep in your room to being treated like a 'baby' and wonder why he's being held back from development. If anything it would help him to gain more independence...sleeping in his own room, learning to do more tasks independently but with proper supervision. But yeah sounds better to encourage development rather than hinder it.

I know when I was a kid my mom was a bit over-protective of me, I wasn't diagnosed back then but she thought there was something different about me and thus kind of smothered me with over-protectiveness which if anything only has made things harder for me.

No the version that is most reasonable should apply.

I agree, the most reasonable version should apply. That said, I believe my version is the most reasonable, because I at least considered my husband's perspective, and sought both peer and professional opinions before drawing any conclusions.