How do I get my 3 yo old to focus?

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My 3 year old can focus on things that interest him, but when it comes to things that he needs to learn how to do such as putting on his socks, shoes, jackact, using the potty, etc, he needs constant prodding and reminders. We take him out daily, sometimes 2-3 times a day so he has to put on his outside clothes, and yet, everytime he has to do it, it's a slow painful process. He wants to go outside and knows he needs to put his outside clothes on, but he will start and just drift off. We take turns working with him on getting dressed so we don't get frustrated.

The same goes for him using the bathroom. We have to constantly remind him to pull down his pants, pull it up, wash his hands, etc. He does everything else relatively ok, but for those 2 thinks, he moves in slow motion. I have even resorted to drawing him pictures with the words of what I want him to do. He takes great delight in reading it back to me and pointing to the pictures but does not do anything faster.

If I pretend that I am leaving the house without him, he gets upset and cry. He knows he wants to leave, but can't seem to get it together and do it fast.

Hi

We've had exactly the same problem with our 6yr old daughter since she was very small. We tried everything you can imagine to get her to stay focused on the task, especially dressing. When she was small, we'd play games, e.g. running/jumping into her clothes, like a superhero, or getting her to pretend to be a caterpillar, turning into a butterfly. Everything we did would work for a short time, then we had to think of something else. Recently, I designed a board game, called 'Dress the Alien'. I printed a picture of a cartoon alien and spent ages drawing clothes for it. The idea is that as she dresses, she also gets to dress the alien, in the same clothes, one item at a time. This was moderately successful. We were advised by a speech & language therapist to start a visual schedule for her, as this supposedly makes it easier for some kids on the spectrum to stay on track, i.e. it helps them remember what comes next. After all the preparatory work, this lasted one day. She has since been seen by an educational psychologist who thinks the visual schedule is not appropriate for her, which we agree with. She knows exactly what she's supposed to be doing, but actually doing it is another matter.

But, about 6 weeks ago everything changed. I made one small adjustment and I don't know if this has been the major factor or if it's just a maturity thing. She has sensory issues and clothing causes regular trauma. I'd noticed that she was a little more compliant on gym days, when she wears trousers and a polo shirt. So, I decided she should be allowed to wear gym day clothes every day. Gym days were never perfect before either, but now every day she just gets dressed, without being asked 100 times and me ending up having to dress her anyway. I wish I knew what the answer was, but she's still compliant after 6 weeks. There has been a turn around in all areas of her life too and we're hoping that it is permanent.

You have all my sympathies. I know how stressful it is. I'd advise making up some games, something that he's interested in. When you're exhausted, that's probably the last thing you want to be doing, but it did help us somewhat.

For the first time in 6 years, I'm starting to see that things are getting better and it's pretty obvious now how bright she is (which the ed psych thinks has been the main cause of all the refusals and distractibility).

Good luck

The worst part is, a few months back, he was doing these things by himself, prompted and unprompted. This is one of the few skills he regressed with so we are adamant about him doing it himself. He now asks for his outside clothes so that he can go outside and in the last few days will ask to use the bathroom (basically he just says "bathroom" and will say "yes" when you in turn ask if he needs to use the bathroom).

However, even with all of that, he still gets distracted when he has to do it. He will start to put on his socks, and if it doesn't go on after the first try, he will get up and walk away. We made a song about it and he sang happily with it, but didn't do anything faster. I am so confused since he can focus on eating a meal or any of the other activites I have been teaching him.

It's not so much the speed he is doing these things as is the fact that he does not focus onwhathe is doing. For example, we will have his shoe, and socks on the ground in front of him and put him to sit down. The TV will be off. He will make an attempt to put onhis sock and not get it the first time. His response will be either, lay down and suck his thumb, get up and go look at something else, throw the sock down and say no, etc. That is not just doing things slow, that's not doing something that he clearly understands he needs to do if he wants to go outside.

He will go in the bathroom and open the toillete and stick his head in there and talk so he can hear the echo. If left by himself, he will play with the water. After he is finished usingthe bathroom, he will touch himself until I encourage him to pull up his pants and wash his hands. Most times I have to put his hands on his pants for him to "realize" that he needs to pull it up. Once he is washing his hands, he will do what he is supposed to do with little promting from me.

I told him that I was leaving to see if that would make him speed up, it doesn't work. This isn't something that is done on a regular basis.

Well, I know he used to be able to do it because he was doing it a few months ago. He is not doing it now but once he goes to school he will have to do this. They will not take the same amount of time with him to do these things that we currently do.

The goal here is self reliance. I know he is capable of doing a lot of things and I would like to teach him to do things for himself. At 3 years old, a NT child is able to pull on a pair of socks and put on a velcrow closed shoe. Putting on a hat and a jacket is also expected. Pulling down and up an elastic waited pants is also expected. He might have some autistic traits but I don't think it is an excuse for him not to try. There are kids working with a whole lot less who do a whole lot more.

Hi MomofThree1975

My son is 3 years old and I have to help him put on his outside clothes. I don't think your son is doing something that is not typical. I think your son is reacting this way because he knows this is something you want him to do in a hurry and that is why he is lagging. My son if I ask him to do something in a hurry, he will lag behind because he knows it's something that I want. If I give him enough time to do something and not let him know it needs to be done quickly he will do it in a timely manner. Sometimes they just want attention and they feel this is one of the ways to get it.

I do hope the teachers and I do believe the teachers at his school are well aware all children develop differently. Just because one child can do something quickly and sufficiently does not mean all children can. I'm sure they will be patient with him and will also assist him when needed. They can't possible expect every 3 year old to be on the same page developmentally.

I say relax and just assist him patiently. He will get it, believe me. It's probably just a phase, or maybe he just needs a little help. There's nothing wrong with needing a little help.

Anybody hearing "ADHD" here? I am. It's a very common comorbid condition with Autism.

Also, to the OP: "He was doing this before so it's not an issue of not being able to do it," is a very common thing we hear about ourselves. Just because we've done something before, even consistently, doesn't mean we can do it now, at this moment. Stopping, or being inconsistent with certain skills doesn't necessarily mean regression. It's a very common trait of both AS and ADHD to do just fine with certain things, even for a long time, then suddenly not be able to sometimes.

It could be he's easily distracted. Could be something else going on in his head. There are a great number of reasons this could be happening, but the important thing to understand is that this is not abnormal for Autistics or those with both Autism and ADHD (more common with the latter).

My kids are 12, 14 and 15, all with ASD's and ADHD, and this is a pattern in all of them. There are only rare occasions when this happens that there are explanations for it. Most of the time, there is nothing that can be identified as a "trigger" or catalyst for it. Nothing anyone can point to. It just happens, and past performance is NEVER an indicator of present capability.

The only thing I know for certain is that making a big deal out of any of these things usually causes more problems than it solves.

Yes, he needs guidance, and it's a pain to have to follow him around reminding him constantly. He has Autism though, and stages like this are part of it. He will need more reminders and guidance than any non-Autistic child for years to come. It's part of parenting Autistic kids. It's no picnic, but it is what it is.

Welcome to our world.

I wouldn't try to push for him to be as functional as all the other kids at school. Just try to guide him the best you can and hope for the best, but don't demand or necessarily expect it. There are systems in place to help kids like him at school. Start looking into them now. If you live in the U.S. and he's diagnosed, you're going to need an IEP in place for him with supports written into it to deal with whatever problems he still has once he gets there.

The thing is, it sounds like you may be a bit more concerned than you necessarily need to be yet. You've still got some time. Do what you can with it and learn everything you can about his condition and what's available for supports at school. There are laws in place that require schools to take his condition into consideration and provide support. You shouldn't have to simply put him on a bus and hope for the best. There are things you can do to ensure he receives the best opportunity for success in school anyone can hope for.

The "ADHD" thing? It's a strong suspicion of my own, and I'm not saying he has it, but you may want to look into it.

I am in the US, In NYC specifically. I will meet with the school at the end of the month to see what they have to offer, and take it from there. He may have a mild case of ADD (he's not more hyper than any other 3 yo, in fact, he is more calm than hyper) but there is def an issue when it comes to focusing on these 2 things in particular. He can sit and color, paint, etc for a long time, but let him have to put on or take of clothing and he will find any and everything else to do.

SweetLeaf said that there may be some issue with executive dysfunction and I think she may be on to something. I took a look and it seems to describe my son, as it relates to dressing and undressing. Maybe it's a 3 y o thing, but I find it interesting that this is the area in his life where he has the least interest and we have not been able to make a dent in getting him to focus on.

He has made so much improvement in everything else, especially in communicating. But for some reason, he has a mental block with this.

So basically, the only thing we can do is to continue to work with him and hopefully one day it will click?

MomofThree, I know it can be frustrating, but I do think you are asking too much of your son. There are many 3 year old NT kids who still need substantial assistance getting dressed, and who get easily distracted. I also feel that the goal should not be a comparison to NT kids, since our kids are simply not NT - I know most parents didn't expect their NT kids to start talking in full sentences under the age of 1 - but my autistic son did. It is as futile for them to expect their kids to act autistic, as it is for us to expect our kids to act NT. The type of strengths and weaknesses they have can be so different, I don't find comparisons very useful in this regard.

Self reliance is certainly a worthy goal - but 3 year olds are not self reliant, so I think you are - in the best of intentions - rushing and stressing a bit too much about this. A lost skill is a concern, but I think you need to gently encourage your child to do these things independently and when he shows you he isn't ready to, then help him. Keep this pattern of encouraging, then helping, and eventually yes, he will learn.

We need to remember that this distractibility (and the sensory seeking which explains toilet echoes and hands in water etc) is a result of different brain wiring. It cannot be undone by higher expectations - especially when those expectations are too high, too fast.

My son is turning 9, and he only recently started exhibiting the focus and executive functioning required to get himself dressed without any prompts. So you may have quite a few years ahead of you on this issue. Make them as enjoyable as possible and try not to get too frustrated - with your son or with yourself

My son has the exact same problem and he is an almost-5 Aspie!
For what it is worth, his NT 3-year old sister, when it is time to go outside, has no problem whatsoever getting herself dressed, going to the bathroom, putting socks and shoes on . . . she is usually standing by the door waiting for us, saying, 'I'm ready!'

My son, on the other hand, forgets what he is doing, can't focus, or cries for help when I want him to do it alone. He just can't seem to follow the 1-2-3 steps of what we ask him to do. When he does, he is AGONIZINGLY slow. Even one-step commands are difficult, unless it involves something he LOVES doing. He is incredibly bright, but I think it is an 'executive functioning' issue, as well as sensory. As one poster said, things we try only work for a short time.

Regarding it just starting recently, could it possibly be because he has more 'thoughts' and 'activities' to distract him now? For example, my son was probably better at the age of 2 than now, because there was little that he was cognitively distracted by. Whereas now, he seems to have more going on in his mind and more issues with sensory things around him, and those things keep him from focusing on what he SHOULD do, versus what he WANTS to do. (Even if he wants to go outside, he may not WANT to do the process to get there.) It could also be that as he is more interactive/aware of his environment (due to age/activity), he has developed more sensory issues as he takes in everything around him. I know my son feels overwhelmed and burdened by putting his socks/shoes on and always wants me to do it.

We have found no magic remedy. Hoping some ABA and OT starting soon may help with the sensory issues and executive functioning/focusing. In the meantime, we are trying to be patient, but allowing some natural consequences as well (if he is super slow, we have less time to play outside. not used as a threat, but as an explanation when it's time to go inside.)

Thanks for your replies.

AngelGarden - I think you understand the situation I am dealing with. Considering that he was doing all these things at 2+ but struggles at 3+, I am concerned. Even at 3 years old, I want to challenge and guide my son. I have seen inprovements in other areas that we have worked on and I think we can have improvements in this area too. I think is't best to work on these skills at 3 than waiting until he is 13 to address them.

I do like the idea of expalining the consequence of him being slow. I will try than and see how it works. I tried to cut or walks short if he misbehaved when we went out. I am not sure if that's the reason why of if he is past that stage but when we go for walks, he is much better.

ADHD, in case you aren't aware of it, is often called simply "ADD" if the hyperactive component is not there. "Officially," the diagnostics are still under ADHD. Also, attention deficits can exist with ASD's even with children who don't necessarily qualify as full blown ADHD. That can be confusing.

I hope you didn't interpret what I suggested as not challenging him. I don't mean that at all. What I mean by not expecting what you would expect from average children is not to be so set in your expectations that you can't accept when he can't do it. That isn't healthy and won't help matters.

I don't think anyone said wait until he's 13. Explaining the consequences of being slow is great. Also, allowing him to pay the consequences (basically natural consequences), is also important, but things can get very tricky and backfire on you if the consequences are ones he sees as brought on by you for something that is not his fault.

ASD children are often known for being slower than other kids at many things. Even to this day (I am 51 years old), I CANNOT accomplish as much in a day as the average person my age. I am not lazy, stubborn, stupid, and nothing about it is deliberate. I simply cannot accomplish many things as quickly as most people.

Your son has a disability. Expecting more of him than he is actually capable of will eventually cause a lot of serious problems, not just for him, but for you as well. Doing so can eventually make you feel as if you're beating your head against walls.

I don't mean to pick on your parenting skills, believe me. I've been through the same kinds of things that seem to come from nowhere, and have never been able to fully understand what causes each one of them.

I have learned though, that especially when they were very young, my kids could not understand why they should care how what they did had any affect on me or my wife. They were not selfish kids, but they were very ego-centric (NOT then same thing!). They still are somewhat ego-centric, but not as much as they were at that age. We had to start by helping them understand how what they did affected them personally, then work on how it affected others, and by virtue of that, eventually affected them in return.

KIds in general take time to understand that what they do has an affect on other people, but Autistic kids take longer to learn and fully understand that fact and why they should care, because that knowledge doesn't have much affect or make much sense until they get why and how it all comes back on them personally at some point.

A good example of this is taking too long to put on socks and shoes to go for a walk. You cut the walk short, and we've always done the same thing. Our kids though, and I bet you've seen this, blamed us for the walk being too short, reasoning that it wasn't their fault it took them so long to put shoes on, but it was OUR decision to shorten the walk. That can turn into a "blame game" that we've never won, ever, with them.

You could try this: Set a time frame within which the entire activity of preparing for AND the walk, must take place. Do that ahead of time, and be very clear. "We have one hour for you to put your socks and shoes on and take a walk. By the end of one hour, we need to be back home.

By doing that, you've set the parameters for preparations and walk to one hour beforehand. The expectations are clear. The only problem with this is that at his age, he probably can't tell time. You may want to start teaching him how. Try a digital clock if an analog one is too hard for him, and practice with timers while doing other activities so he starts to develop some sense of how long five minutes is, ten minutes, etc. Then introduce the timer set to how ever long you have for both preparation and walk, in total.

This puts the "power" on the timer instead of you. You can't control the timer, so he's less likely to blame you for cutting it short. He's more likely to absorb the fact that being too slow putting on socks and shoes is within his power, and how fast he is at it affects the time left for the walk, putting the power for length of the walk in his own hands.

You may still have to remind him repeatedly to keep him on task. You may have to keep doing that for the next three months, six months, or even a couple of years, and possibly even longer. There's where my point comes in about expectations. Don't assume he can do it by three months. Don't assume he can do it at any length of time. Accept what happens, because that is the nature of ASD's and ADHD (if he has that too).

I strongly believe the single worst thing we can do as parents of ASD and/or ADHD kids, is act as if they don't have any disabilities at all. I know many people feel that high expectations are what produces success, and I couldn't agree more when it comes to kids with NO disabilities. When it comes to kids with disabilities however, though some pressure to do better can be good, too much can teach them that we don't accept them the way they are. And that can lead to a lot of mistrust and heartache for both of you.

As angelgarden said, and I'll say the same is true for my wife and I, "We have found no magic remedy," and that's because there are none.

Accepting who they are, as they are, is crucial. Disabled kids by definition are NOT up to par with their peers at school in some ways. Kids with ASD's can have it really tough because it's so hard to tell what they are at par with (or even beyond par), and what they are not at par with. Because we often see that they excel at certain things, it can be very easy to make the huge mistake of convincing ourselves they can exceed at anything. That is though, a very big mistake.

Have you read any decent books on Autism or ADHD? If not, now is the time to start.