Social Skills - when "I dunno, maybe" means "

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DS is doing much better socially this year, but that doesn't mean the year has been without bumps.

One issue we have is that some of his friends get tired of him on occasion (as is totally normal; sometimes friends need a break) and instead of saying so will put DS off in some nonspecific way.

Unfortunately, DS doesn't do nonspecific - to him, "maybe" means "yes." He will call them (repeatedly if I let him) to find out when the "maybe" is going to happen and try to get them to agree to a specific date and time to get together. Today, a boy who has been the worst offender at flaking out on him agreed to an online playdate (neither of them even left their homes) at a specific time, but wasn't there when DS started up the game. He didn't answer the phone (and might well not have been home) but slightly later, DS discovered he was online doing something else. He sent him messages and got no response.

We have a twofold problem: DS's way of handling this type of behavior borders on harassment - I had to prevent him from calling repeatedly and he sent several messages before I caught him and stopped him, at one point he got angry and said he was going to "report" him to the online game, which fortunately I stopped.

Second, DS doesn't understand that a somewhat noncommittal response from someone generally means they wish you would go away and leave them alone. I can't get him to understand that these kids are humoring him. He has fairly advanced social skills for a kid on the spectrum, and that makes helping him through nuances like this even more difficult, because he grossly overestimates the skills he has.

I guess there's also a third problem: there are kids that make friendly overtures to DS, but he either rebuffs them or plays this same game with them (and no, pointing that out doesn't help at all; he can't see the parallel.) I made him go to a birthday party with one of these kids, and it was a bit painful to watch: DS just didn't "get" the rhythm of socializing with this group, and he was nearly panicked. On the one hand, yes, it's snobbery (the other kids who are blowing him off and flaking out on him are "popular," these kids are kind of nerdy and bookwormy) but on the other hand there is a genuine communication barrier.

Help? It's breaking my heart to see him wait by the phone, especially since there's a little spot worn out next to the phone where both his Dad and I had to wait ourselves as kids and young adults. I don't know how to see him through this; he needs to learn this skill somehow and yet he refuses to see himself in a light that will allow him to learn.

Have you tried just giving him a direct "translation"?
i.e. "When someone says "maybe" or "we'll see", they mean "no"."

Yup - he insists I'm wrong (I'm a Mom, what do I know, right? I know NOTHING about elementary school, according to DS.)

This is just one of those things that he's probably going to have to learn on his own over time-and it's quite natural that he would achieve this type of understanding much later than his nt peers. I know it is causing him some problems but you are doing the right thing to keep him from pestering the kids until he learns. My daughter also has a problem with this and I've been fortunate that she is young enough that I can tell people straight up not to say something unless you are absolutely sure it is going to happen. There is a lot of anticipation that goes along with anything...so if someone says we're going to take a walk in the park on Friday-she will be thinking about that walk all the days leading up to it. It better happen or she gets very upset. "things came up" is not an explanation for her. When you say something is gonna happen it better happen! Anyway, you're doing all you can, we can't jump in and solve all of their problems. He will learn this with time and experience.

This sounds similar to situations we have experienced with one of my sons. Especially the grossly overestimating his own social abilities, and not believing my input. Is there a trusted adult at school who could talk to him about it? Sometimes when the info comes from someone at school, my son accepts it more readily.