I Think My 20 Year Old Son Has AS - What Next?

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My son has been different since he was about 3. He hit all the milestones early. Everyone in the family always called him "sensitive." We couldn't do anything spontaneous or he would implode. He never really quite fit in with "groups" and social functions. His safe-haven was and is video games. His only real social or romantic scene is online. It took everything we/he had to get through high school, although he is brilliant. He loves to read. He has had one true friend since middle school, and they are still friends today. That friend is also very socially awkward, their bond. He has some rages, more so while younger, but it definitely shows its ugly head now and then. He will say very odd things at times of anxiety or sensory/information overload. He gets depressed easily. He has anxiety. He cannot handle group discussions. It is obvious or apparent that he feels inferior to everyone around him. He certainly does not accept his own intelligence and will "dumb" himself down around people to be socially accepted. I always called a lot of what he says and does, the "Charlie Brown" syndrome. He is also known to "lie" to make himself look better. I mean really preposterous lies. When he is accepted, it is almost a euphoria. He is a hermit and will hole himself up in his room for hours on end, even days.

After reading about AS, my daughter mentioning she thought it was possible, it was like an epiphany, and now I feel I have this opportunity to really get to know my son. I feel like he has eluded me his entire life, as well as my husband. We always knew something was up, but could never really put our finger on it. My husband always believed in the "toughen up" thing. This just seemed to have the opposite effect. Now the guilt.

My son does not show any motivation or interest in "self-discovery," and I cannot see him actually going to a physician and being diagnosed. Do I tell him I think this is a possibility? I want him to have the most enjoyment out of life he can. I want him to have love and happiness.

What can I do? What steps can I take to get him a better life? Has anyone else been here at this late of a stage in the game?

Thank you for anything you may have to offer.

Accept him as he is and accept his AS.

I want him to accept himself and be happy.

You should tell him that AS is nothing to be ashamed of and there are a lot of successful people who have it. You should also tell him that you love him no matter what. I don't have any more suggestions.

I wish the best for you and your son.

Aspergers is developmental disorder--which means that his socializing is likely to be impaired.

You might work together with your son to improve his social interaction--perhaps practicing social situations so he isn't so tongue tied--nothing like practice to improve you skills--even better if you don't have to be the fool doing so.

Similarly, he might benefit from speech therapy, if his speech is overly monotonic. Again, the key is to spend the time practicing--awkward at first, but easier with repetition.

I would definitely tell him. If he is as smart as you say, he knows and has known for a long time that he is different. It is an affirmation that there is a reason for it and it is worth seeking a diagnosis to be certain. He also needs to know that he can choose to do various therapies or seek accommodations that may help him. While it won't go away, things can improve.

I think that you should suggest it to him, and if you think that he is going to reject it because it looks bad, then tell him about it not like he has a disorder but like he has a different way of thinking that is ok to have and many other people have this way of thinking, and you could tell him about WP too.

If he does have AS, then one possible result is that he will reject your ideas immediately, no matter how you tell him. In that case, he could be just rejecting a new thing, so don't press him on it and give him time to think it over if that happens.

Does he like to read? Perhaps give him a copy of Look Me in the Eye and see if he recognizes himself in it.

My son is awesome. I love him unconditionally. I seek to give him the resources toward developing coping skills and finding happiness no matter what package it comes in. I am watching him at this time sink deeper into an abyss of unhappiness and loneliness.

Your words of wisdom have given me hope this morning, and I thank you.

Some parents have found that leaving books on Asperger's around helps. "Be Different," another one of John Elder Robeson's books is an excellent choice. I also liked the Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. Another book that may appeal to an adult is "The Book of Best Practices"

The stickies at the top of this forum may have useful information for you. It's a little different when you're dealing with an adult: it's his choice to figure things out or not.

Momsparky, i'll give that a go. I'm ordering some literature and some books and will see how it goes.

Just an idea, it's probably best to communicate your intentions to him......like don't just leave a book about AS laying around, hope he picks it up and decides 'oh I have aspergers.' just thinking that could come of as a bit weird to him if he starts seeing this literature all the sudden but you haven't said a word about it....He might take the 'hint' the wrong way.

I mean I am just thinking how I might have reacted if that's how it was approached with me...and usually I get offended if I think people are trying to point something wrong about me out without directly telling me what they mean. So to avoid confusion or hurt feelings I certainly recommend talking to him about it and encouraging him to read up on it but just don't be too pushy about it.

From an old fashioned dad in his fifties of a 17yo diagnosed first ADD and then as on the autistic spectrum, I was inclined like your husband to get my son to toughen up and just deal with things as you would a normal kid.

I don't think the evidence in my life shows that that works. If I get angry with my son it just inclines him to clamming up at best and a meltdown at worst. (Echoing Austin Power's father "If you got an issue here's a tissue" and laughing loudly did not quite cut it). He has actually been opening up quite a bit to a school counsellor, from what I can see, so perhaps a third party like that can avoid the issues he may have with opening up to family (initially at least).

I think we just need to accept that it is a great deal more difficult for an autistic child to cope with the real world, and a great deal more work is required for an autistic child/teenager/young man or woman. There are a lot of resources on this site. A book called "Strange Kid" available on the net gives a good perspective from an autistic person's point of view.

I've been thinking nonstop about all of the information I am gleaning from this site. At both ends of the spectrum, from the dad above and then a young adult, my head is swimming. My son definitely does better when he has an "out." I have decided that I am going to IM him, as we talk a lot that way, and I am just gonna come out and say the things I am thinking and feeling, in small doses. I will support him 100% in whatever he chooses. I will, however, point out that I believe his life will be much more "manageable" with some guidance from a professional. I will also invite him to purchase some books, etc.

Thankfully, my sister, after talking together on the phone for quite a while yesterday, said to me, after my voicing the deep sense of guilt I have right now, that because I am the person I am, I somehow managed accidentally to keep my son in a protected world where I raised him in a zone that helped him thrive. Instinctively, when invited to chaos, I would simply decline and just say that was not something he would enjoy. Of course, I think, did I hinder or help? I just don't know.

Anyway, I thank everyone for all of their insight. I have always believed in baby steps instead of giant leaps, and I'm going to take this one little step at a time until my puzzle is complete.

20 years old is not a child any more, you can suggest he get a formal diagnosis, but maybe just leave him alone. But, whenever he complains to you about his situation, you can mention that autism is probably behind most of his problems. I didn't realize it myself until I was 32.

You are absolutely right; he is a man. Hence, my dilemma. He has been known to complain about his situation from time to time, and it makes a lot of sense to jump on the opportunity when it arises. I like that idea.