Becoming a dad with aspergers

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I am curious about how men with Aspergers take fatherhood. My partner and I have discussed our future together and have decided that we want to someday have children together. The other day he heard a child crying and said that he hated the sound of a small child's scream. I understood why, because he has hypersensitivity with his hearing. I thought about it and couldn't help but wonder how he would react when his child was born and would cry for the first time. My parents were happy to hear when my siblings and I first cried at birth. I felt sad that he might not find the same pleasure with this.

I have a daughter who is 17 months old. She is very happy and bubbly and most likely NT (like her Mom) but I'm Aspie.
One area that is challenging for me is when she cries and screams, I have more trouble hearing myself think than most people would - more or less what you'd described - and I tend to make more little mistakes or misinterpreting cues from my wife when my daughter has these fits. Still I love her very much, and am very devoted to her - other people notice that and say I'm a great daddy So I wish the same outcome for you!!

@ Jayo
Thanks for your response. I appreciate it!

Wow you say some found pleasure in a child crying? (even though I know you said that in relation their first cry - although even so a cry is a cry). In the middle of the night that is the worst thing in the world, given that as a parent you are so keyed up to respond to your child (I am NT though).

My husband is an Aspie (undiagnosed but Aspie nonetheless). We didn't know that really until our son was diagnosed.

The biggest difficulties he has: having a lower tolerance for the kids being loud or doing something 'annoying'. He gets overwhelmingly frustrated with them at times and I end up having to talk him through the scenario or help him think calm and clear. The second is communication with them. He has difficulty processing what they are saying sometimes or misunderstands them or is just 'checked out'.

Now, that being said, he is a great father. He tries his hardest. He plays with them for hours on end (better than I do), he is loving and adores them with all his heart. He is so loyal and 100% at-home kind of dad. They see him cook, clean, and care for all of us, and what a loving example that is. Anyway, I don't think you should worry. If it is in your heart, you can do it. WILL be tough sometimes, but worth it!

I cant stand to hear babies cry and its why I never let mine cry....people dont believe me but if you get a wrap and carry your baby when they are little close to your chest so they can hear your heartbeat they dont cry. You can look up child carriers......the best two are http://store.ergobaby.com/ which was my favorite as you can wear it front or back and you can buy the insert for the smaller baby for front carrying....it may be slightly pricey but you can look on ebay and if you think about using it every day then you will see that its not that expensive. I also liked the moby http://www.babyearth.com/moby-wrap-baby ... t_val=1826 it just takes some time to get used to. I also did baby massage, breast feeding, cloth diapering and the baby wearing thing. I had the bed that attached to my bed so I could just reach over and grab the baby at night for feeding and then slide them back into their bed afterwards.

I used a stroller when my kids got older but when they were little I carried them....also with the Ergo you can breast feed while you are walking around. Anyway, I guess Im a hippy but my babies didnt cry except for a few seconds aside from if they were hurt or when they were first born. I cant stand to be in a mall or out somewhere and see people just pushing a tiny newborn, in a stroller, screaming its face beet red and just shopping like nothing is going on......I feel like shaking them and screaming....."PICK THE BABY UP!! !"

I did have one with colic and we finally found that she was sensitive to everything I ate and cows milk. I finally had to put her on soy formula much to my distress but my X and I would hand her off because I could only take so much. I dont know if it was my sound sensitivities or that I just felt helpless.....with other peoples kids I think some of them can irritate my sensitivities. My classic autistic daughter likes to say and play things over and over and scream when she is stressed and sometimes I have to put my earphones and MP3 on. I watch her but I cant hear her.

Dont know if I helped but there are ways around things. Also I think its a bit easier to take when its your own baby. Also when the baby first comes out, there is so much going on with calling relatives and being so overwhelmed that you are a parent you dont even really notice that they are crying.

Also, just as a side note....the Ergo baby carrier is so easy to put on its more simple than a stroller (even on your back) You just sort of lean over slip the baby in the carrier and slip your arm in the opposite arm strap and you dont even feel the weight. My husband carried my last baby until she was 4 in it....he liked it better than the hiking carrier. Had to show you this too....you can even do the hip carry with the original carrier. http://store.ergobaby.com/Baby_Carriers/Original/BC5S

@ Liloleme @ angelgarden @ hoegaandit

THanks for the response, everyone. It was very helpful to hear from other people.

My husband really can't handle the kids crying or being hurt so our unspoken agreement is that he disappears and I handle it. Couples figure out how to share duties in the ways that best balance everyone's needs, and that is ours. It exhausts me to handle that stuff, but I can focus my way through it. Basically means chores will be set aside and my husband will pick up more there.

I do worry, though, that someone could read lilome's generally good suggestions and conclude that picking up your child or using a carrier can solve most crying. Great things to try, yes, but there are zero, and I mean zero, one size fits all answers in parenting. Assume nothing, be ready for everything. My son was too wiggly for most carriers (usually refused to be in them) and my daughter sometimes just has to cry to get herself sorted out (did as a baby, still does at 11). I was very much an attachment parenting idealist, but what doesn't work for a unique child isn't going to work no matter how devoted you are to a theory.

I got addicted to internet boards and chat when my infant daughter started her crying spells. I sat her on my lap, rocked in my computer chair, nursed her as needed, and turned my mind elsewhere. That was how I got through it. Funny thing, she turns to screens and just having me near as her main self-calming mechanism ever since.

Every parent brings their own issues and needs to the job. I think being aware of those issues and needs is a huge part of handling their effects on the family appropriately. Just by asking you show you care enough to work your way through it.

Its true that my first son did not want to be picked up or carried very much but he also just didnt cry. My Mother in law used to try to make him cry. He did not feed well, he would fall asleep after nursing for only about 15 to 20 minutes and I could not wake him until he was ready which was about a half hour to an hour, he did sleep all night. He did want to be held when he was a newborn though, he wanted to be wrapped up and carried in a carrier but the older my kids got the better the carriers are.....now the ones they have are more like the ones that are used in countries where the mothers have to work and can not just put the baby in a jumper or swing during the day. I had five kids and, like I said even one with colic. What I did worked for me and I had kids with Bi Polar and Autism. I will say my two middle daughters liked to be carried more in my arms when they were older but my two youngest like the carriers.
Some babies do not want to be carried in your arms but you will find that most infants like to be swaddled and held in the types of baby carriers I mentioned because it is like the womb so it is familiar to them.
I did not make myself clear enough that I was mainly speaking about newborns, tiny infants who are mainly screaming because they are not accustomed to being in the open space when they are accustomed to being in a tiny quiet place where sounds were muffled other than your heart beat.
The carriers are also good when they are older because instead of holding them with your arms and hands and touching them all the time they are free too look around and wiggle and do as they like while still strapped to your back....even my daughter who did not like to be touched always wanted to be on my back in the Ergo carrier. She was behind me, she could look around at what she wanted and she did not have to be touched or look at me. She loved to lean backward and sort of look at things upside down and laugh, and the Ergo carrier is so awesome that she could do that and not fall out. I would also sometimes lean forward and bounce up and down until she fell asleep and then I could tighten the straps so she would not flop around. She HATED her baby car seat because she could not look around. It didnt bother her when she was a newborn but when she was around 3 or 4 months she would scream when we put her in it so we got a big one and got her a pillow that propped up her head....she just liked to be up. Its true all kids are different but baby wearing worked for me and it works for a lot of other people. Plus you dont need to buy all that other crap like a swing and a bounce chair, a walker, I bought all these stupid things for my son and my first daughter and the realized all I needed was this piece of fabric with some straps that went on my shoulders and around my waist.
Once they are past the newborn stage they dont always like to be held but they do like to be up so they can look around and all of my kids liked to be near me even if I was not holding them.
The people that annoy me are people who, as I said, leave their newborn babies in a huge stroller with no comfort around them to fling and kick their arms and legs around frantically screaming.

Im sorry about the issue your husband has DW....what would happen if he had to take care of them like my husband now has to do many of the things that I have to do? Or are they now old enough to be ok without comfort when they are hurt?
I just thought of it because my husband was the same way....I did everything and now that I cant he has to do it and he has learned. I have to remind him of HOW to do things sometimes but I think men get off too easy. They made the babies too. Also I hear lots of people say that their husband is an Aspie.....Im an Aspie and I learned how to take care of my kids. Its not easy as you should know but its important that both parents can manage the kids just in case something were to happen to the other. Im not saying this to be rude, just that this OP is saying she is worried about her husband being aspie and not handling her baby crying and you say that you take care of it. When my daughter had colic it was hard but I learned how to deal with it.....I put her in the car and drove with the radio turned up full blast once....it worked! Even if you are an aspie....and even if you are a man with Asperger's you can learn and should learn to take care of every aspect of parenting.

Actually looking at my first post I did not mention how much my husband does.....and now has to do due to my illnesses. I have two diseases now, I have Ankylosing Spondylitis and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome type III and we think all the kids have it as well but its not painful and their joints are not falling out of place all the time. I can not lift my daughter or help her with her bath. My husband has to do all these things now and he plays with the kids. He knows the special ways that Maddy likes things done. I just wanted to express how important this is because you never know what is going to happen.
I know a woman online who does videos of her niece and nephew who are both autistic and mainly non verbal. The father was very close to his children and when he got sick the oldest, the son, was so upset he started banging his head and face, they had to get him a helmet. The father died of pancreatic cancer and now the Mother is left to care for her to severely autistic children. Things like this happen, its something to think about. Its good to share duties but right now, I simply cant do much.....I do what I can.

Wow, do we have the same husband?
My husband has to work, run his lab, handle all my doctors appointments, all the kids school stuff....not only am I sick but we live in France and I dont speak much French. He has Aspie qualities but he is not diagnosed and he is so highly intelligent and functions effectively that I doubt he could get diagnosed. Anyway, he does get upset and very stressed sometimes and I have to remind him "You are talking to much"....."Just dont argue with him".....ect. He is awesome and takes very good care of all of us. I cant get upset with him for getting stressed out sometimes. I know how hard it is to do everything, I was a single Mom after leaving my first abusive (to me and my son, never to my girls but they saw and that was enough) for several years. It was really hard and I certainly dont thing having children on your own.....unless you can afford help, or if you only have one.
Anyway, I know how hard it is and even though some days Im in so much pain I just dont want to be here anymore I still drag myself up and help because I cant expect my husband to do it all, all the time. Im in the hospital a lot and even though we get help its still mainly on him so when Im here I dress my daughter. After all these years my kids have learned not to jump on me and where to sit so I can brush their hair and put on socks, ect.

I will say though he gets better and better the longer Ive been sick. I hope someday to be more functional. Maybe after my surgery. I try not to get too excited as Ive been so disappointed so many times.
Sorry if I offended anyone but I have been very depressed lately and it seems my filters are gone and I have reverted to saying what I think.