physal aggression

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Ok, I need help. Just to put it out there, I have contaccted my son's therapist from last year to work with us as a family again.

Here is the situation:

My son is 6, High functioning Aspergers. We have been having issues lately with him controlling his behavior. He had a MASSIVE meltdown at a freinds house over wanting to play the Wii game, that was broken. I mean MAJOR meltdown, kicking, screaming, banging his head intot he wall, this went on and on got a good 20-30 minutes in his freinds house. I had to practically drag him out of the thouse, as ir was a small appartment and there were 3 other kids there and no where to go, but try to get him out and in the car where the Wii wasnt there.

Today, we wen to a play place, my son PUNCHED a little boy in the eye becasue my son and a freind and his sister was playing in an area that they other kid wanted to pass thru, so my son punched this boy, and HARD. So, he went to the boy and apologized (becasue I told him to) and then tried to go run and play, but I told him we had to leave. THe other boy was injured. It wasnt a light tap it was a punch in the eye, the kid creid for a good 20 mins and had ice pack on his eye, and all he did was try to pass my son. I can not in good faith letmy son go back to playing when he is out of control like that, who knows if he would punch again.

SOOO...my son blames these things on me, or tells me I am mean for making him leave the play place. For the meltdown at his freinds house, he told me it was my fault casue I told him he couldnt play it...but we did try and it was broke, but all he heard was me saying he couldnt play, not WHY he couldnt. At the play place, he focused on me taking him home, calling me mean and nasty casue I wouldnt let him stay. He never once accepted what he did wrong. I dont fault him for a meltdown, ok it happens, but to BLAME ME for it, and then call me mean and nasty for making him leave after puching a kid in the eye for no reason at all.

I am just at a loss. I dont know how to get thru to him. I dont want him hitting other people, and I would love for him to have understood that he made a bad decision, anything. I am sorry, I didmt mean to, I didnt think...NOPE my son blames the other kid for trying to walk by. Mind you there was no cues for the other kid to have known they were playing there, and even if there were thre is no excuse for punching.

TO be honest, I am afraid for my sons future. I am afraid that if he grows up with these ideas and lack of taking responsibility for his actions, that he will be in jail.

I dont know how to get thru to him. I dont know how to stop him before he reacts. I dont know how to teach him how to be more in control and make better decisions.

I need help!! ! I called his therapist becasue I need help. If it is me, I willl change, I will jump thru hoops, take lessons, wahtever they tell me to do. I need guidance and direction on how to help him.

I guess this is more of a rant then anything. I also know he is getting these ideas from his video games and Sonic TV show, but those are his only motivators. I am afraid to take them away casue he literally only coomplies becasue he knows if he doesnt he wont get to play his games. He only plays sonic and mario games, but my son takes them as the law, and will reenact them, so if Bowser is trying to get into Mario and Luigis space, uigi(my son) punched him away.

I'm no parent, but I'm Autistic and although I haven't done things like that I feel like in that situation it would be helpful to talk to your son about the effects of hitting people when he's calm and not angry about anything. Tell him about how much it hurts to be hit, and if possible make an analogy to a time when he got hurt really bad. Maybe he doesn't understand how badly it hurt the kid when he hit him even if the kid was crying. Also, maybe you can tell him alternatives to hitting when people are in his space.

Another thing that we have to do with my (Neurotypical) four-year-old brother is explain to him the difference between games/TV and reality. We explain how the reason why games and TV are so fun to us is because they're different from real life and you get to do things you don't normally get to do in real life, but that it's not okay to immitate those things.

Also, something I've learned from my mom parenting my brother and me and what she says to others about parenting: NEVER be afraid to take those things away from your kid! Don't let him scare you. You're the parent! I say you should 1) explain that if he has another episode like at the park you are taking the games away, 2) take them away the FIRST time he does and remind him why, and 3) institute a new punishment/rewards system in the video games' place. Time-out works well for my brother, as does limiting his TV time. For me, it was taking away priviledges, lecturing, and time-out when things escalated too much. Time-out was fun for me, though, because I got to stare at the wall

You should probably take my advice with at least a grain of salt since I'm just a "Sissy" (that's what my brother calls me) and not an actual parent, but this is what I've learned and since I don't see any other replies to you I think I'll give you this.

Think it would help to offer more about the surrounding circumstances.

Home life? Father in the picture? Divorce?

What else is going on in his life that might explain some of this? Has he ever acted up this way before?

A couple of recent incidents with no background makes really hard to offer any credible advice. Autistic kids can be violent, but I don't believe it's usually the Autism that causes it. I think there's a lot more going on that we don't know about.

Not to pry, mind you, but I just don't see how to offer good advice with only this to go on when it comes to something this serious.

You are not supposed to be your son's pal, you are supposed to be his PARENT. That means that sometimes you will have to do things which he doesn't like, and which he will label as mean.
However, he needs to learn that there are unpleasant consequences to bad behavior. Other wise he will keep repeating it, and will also escalate his level of aggression. By all means take away game and TV privalidges when he has misbehaved, and do remove him from a place where he has abused other kids as soon as he has apologized.

As for his physical tantrums, make sure he has something soft under his head and is not near anything he can hurt himself on, and then just let him thrash out his "mad" to his heart's content. Don't pay him any attention other than making sure he is safe from injury during these tantrums. He is trying to manipulate you by making you cave in to his freak outs. If you are some place away from home where it really bothers you to be seen in public with him throwing a tantrum, just carry him out to the car, strap him into his seat, and let him freak there. Don't try to drive home, until he has quieted down, though. You should not drive while distracted. You should also add additional consequences for tantrums thrown after he is punished for other bad behaviors, since this is another bad behavior. Also, never once accept his false accusations of your being to blame for his bad behavior, and do tell him that this is another of his bad behaviors, and that every time he falsely accuses any one else for his bad behaviors, and his punishment, that there will be more consequences.

Do talk to him in calmer periods about bad behavior and explain to him why such things are bad. He is too young to figure it out on his own, so you do need to explain things. You also need to find ways to reduce stress in his life. Also, eliminate caffeine and as much processed sugars as possible from his diet. These things tend to make kids more hyper, aggressive, and cranky, and so, likely to have more and worse tantrums.

home life:

married parents, no violence in the house, no violent tv shows or movies. The worst show is a sonic the hedgehog cartoon on weekends, which is pretty benign as cartoons go.

We model good behavior, role play, talk about what it feels like to be hit or hurt, etc...my son lacks impulse control. He is on meds for anxiety and OCD, his psychiatrist at this point isnt thinking ADHD, but my son lacks impulse control. If he thought before he acted, he wouldnt have hit, and he knows it was wrong ( after going to karate and talking to his sensei about it).

He has, in the past, pinched kids, bit, head butted, shoved or scream in their faces. But that isnt the norm, though he has done it, especially when a kid crosses some imaginary line that my son has in his head or a kid touches a toy he is playing with, etc...

We try to teach him about real life and TV or video games, buit I dont think he cares or he just doesnt get it.

I just want to learn how to teach him or help him be more in control. He is turning 7 this year, I have to watch him closer then his 3yo sister. I feel like the setting wasnt the best for him, it was loud and crowded, but he was doing sooo well, playing with his freind, making frineds, helping little kids...so I let my guard down and stopped watching him and BAM thats when it happened. But in hindsight I shoudl have known better, he gets easily overstimulated, this is the first time he ever punched in the face. If anything I am prepared for pushing, but PUNCHING in the eye is a no no.

My NT son is almost 6 and has mastered the game of parent manipulation. I constanly remind him that I am not his friend, I am his mother so he being mad at me will not prevent me from punishing him if he misbehaves.

He used to complain that I didn't listen to him so now, whenever he is upset, after he calms down, we talk about what was upsetting to him. If he was wrong, I explained why he was wrong, and make sure he understands it. If I was wrong, I let him know I was wrong and appologise. Almost everything he enjoys is a privalige in our house and when he breaks the rules, he loose a privalege. So far that has worked.

I dont mid that my son gets mad at me...I worry that he accepts no responsibility for his own actions and blames others to justify his behaviors!

I would exercise caution when saying that a child on the spectrum is manipulative - manipulation is a highly developed social skill requiring very good theory of mind skills as well as the ability to master one's own facial expressions and mask one's own emotions. My son is constantly being blamed for being manipulative, when we've discovered that he had either no control over what he was doing and/or no idea of the effect he's having on a given situation (this doesn't mean his actions don't affect us, just that his intent isn't what it appears to be.)

First of all, MMJMOM, I, too, had a violent preschooler who was violent all the way up until last year when we finally got a correct diagnosis and decent intervention, and then he managed to get it under control (not sure if it was the interventions, his development, or what - but we've had a pretty good year.) Keep in mind that a developmental delay is just that: a delay. He's behind his peers in impulse control, and may stay behind for some time, but that doesn't mean he won't progress ever, just later, so hang in there!

I collected some threads on this subject in the Parenting Index stickied at the top of the board, under the heading "Violence and Destructive Behavior" (actually, the first several headings may all have useful information.) Many of us have been through this, my son even did the blaming thing, but we made it through - at least for now (not looking forward to full-on puberty.)

Interesting fact, my son was NOT aggressvie as a preschooler. I also, dont believe at all that he is manipulating me or trying to manipulate me, casue all he does is lose. I could see is his behaviors made me give in, or I was like a doormat and just allowed him to act out and never had a consequence, but that is the opposite. I know he has Apsergers, but I cannot allow him to punch a kid in the eye for no reason at all, and then let him resume playing. SO we left and he had to sit in his room when we got home, mainly becasue he was yelling at me telling me I was mean and nasty for making hiim leave, and blaming the kid for entering his play space. SO, again, he lost out, so his attmepts at manipulation, if that is how some choose to see it, were lost.

I am aware that he has issues and I NEVER fault him for meltdowns. In fact, my OP was to figure out how to help him accept responsibility for his own actions. How to help him BEFORE a meltdown occurs, and how to get him to accept responsibility for his actions without blaming others. I cannot expect him to be receptive to change his behavior when he isnt accepring responsibility for them.

funny thing is, I explain to him WHY I took him out o the play place, I explain to him 100,000 times WHY he has consequences for his behaviors. I explain to him why all the time He doesnt get it. I try to tell him about the importance of rules and following them. It is not just mean mommy taking my DS away, it is mommy explaining what went wrong, asking for input from my son what happened, what could have been done better how to react the next time, whi it is important to not punch or hit, what that person felt like, have you ever been hit? How did you feel? Would you want that kid to go back and play after hitting you? etc etc etc....I show him when I make a mistake, when I handle something wrong, I explain what I could have done better. I explain I am trying to keep him safe, his freinds safe, him happy, etc....I explain that I wouldnt be doing my job as a mommy if I just let tese things go and not talk about them, have consquences, etc...or antyhing. I swear, in one ear, out the other. I say that becasue it hasnt penetrated yet.

I will continue to explain, teach, rationalize, show, etc...hoping one day he does get it. I know he is only 6, but I cant expect rhat he will just get it one day and let all these things slide. He hasnt so far when younger kids have.

When my son has a meltdown, he doesn't seem to be able to access logic around it.

In the example situation I would say......

After you hit someone, the rule is we change what we were doing (ie, leave, timeout, take a rest). Something caused you to hurt someone, and until we figure out what it is and prevent it from happening again, we can't just keep doing what must have caused the problem.

When my kids were little it was a very simple "you hit, you sit" wherever they were, they had to sit down and take a break.

If it's a real meltdown, this is important so that you stop the over stimulation or environmental cause. If it is behavioral, then this is important so that they realize nothing fun comes from hitting.

I always try to empathize that it's hard. I don't get mad or engage in a struggle.

My son was in 2nd grade when he 1st started being violent. When he or my NT daughter called me a "mean mommy,"I would respond with "I am sorry you think I am a mean mommy, it's a mommy's job to make sure her children follow society's rules. That means I give consequences. I know you just think I am being mean. I used to think the same thing about my mom. I hope one day you will understand." then I accept that my children will think I am mean sometimes, and that's okay.

((((hugs)))) sometimes its hard.

I was agressive and violent as a kid. I think in addition to autism, I had undiagnosed fetal alchohol syndrome. Aparently I couldn't understand reality from fantasy very well either. If this behavior has come out of the blue, I'd suspect something is going on at school or elsewhere.

I remember one of the older Sonic cartoons had a bit at the end where Sonic would teach a moral or aspect of character development. Sometimes kids with autism learn better if the topic is broken down visualy or a favorite character is used to teach it. You can find them all on You Tube.

This is what I see in the situations in the first post: something not going the way the child assumed it would. AS kids can't handle that, they can't bend. You may think he should have seen how A might lead to B, but it seems to me that he doesn't, or he wouldn't react as he does. Been there, done that, and we got past it by (a) learning to understand our son better, and (b) communicating what to expect better and more thoroughly. AS kids don't extract from A to B; each detail needs to be explained.

Instead of issuing consequences, go through situational autopsies. Break it down with him; he honestly isn't making the connections. He can learn, but you've got to break it down.