Teenager not accepting

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Hello all, my daughter was diagnosed when she was 12. Now a few years have gone by and she still doesn't want believe. It's hard because she doesn't want to work with anyone. I know she is afraid. We've been told some never accept their diagnosis. We know she's limiting herself. We've seen progress because we're better able to handle her.Does anyone have any suggestions?

This is just a suggestion, but maybe you could show your daughter something by Luke Jackson or Temple Grandin. Both of those people are on the autistic spectrum and are very successful so maybe if your daughter realises that there are others with AS who are successful and don't let it impede their lives she might feel better about it. Just a thought.

I wonder if any of the discussion in this recent thread might help:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt195260.html

You might also have her take a look at some of Alex's Autism Talk TV on this website - I know just seeing Alex and his friends made me understand things much better, and their goofiness when discussing the various subjects they tackle can make things seem less daunting. Be a bit careful which episodes you choose - while they're all mostly safe for work, some deal in very serious subject matter such as abuse, etc. However, there are many that will work.

She might also benefit from joining the Adolescent forum.

We're in a very very similar boat. So far one of the most approachable books I've found is Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome, it doesn't talk about aspergers as a negative, it talks about all the aspie stuff as positive and useful things. It is the only book on this topic I've been able to get her to read.

Each chapter has a discussion at the end - advice for aspergirls and advice for parents. It is actually a bit more of a full life book, like there was a whole section on dating and growing older that isn't relevant yet, but 98% of it was really good.

Has she told you anything specific about what her concerns are. I know if she doesn't want to talk about it, then it would be hard to get information from her.

If you don't have that info, I think you should take the advice about getting her a book. Then you might give it to her, when she is a nice calm mood, prefacing it with something like, "I know you are not on board with the diagnosis, and so I wanted you to read this book. I know a lot of it may not apply, maybe some of it will. Even if the diagnosis is wrong, it might still help you." Then give it to her, and let her read it on her own, when she wants to, with no pressure. She might read it privately when you are not looking, so she won't have to talk about it.

I know it is probably not what you are after, because you would rather talk about it with herbut it might take her a little bit to get to that point.

Edited to add that before you try this make sure she knows that you don't think having Asperger's means there is something wrong with her. if she thinks she is being labeled as defective as opposed to different, then naturally that would increase the resistance.

Even with a teen, I still recommend the book "All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome" as it does offer you the opportunity to frame the issues in a nonthreatening way.

(I should really start charging Kathy Hoopmann for my services)

I just joined this forum because I have the very same question. My almost 15 year old son was diagnosed early(preschool) and we began discussing the diagnosis with him around age 8-9. He absolutely will not accept this and says he will always consider it a "wrong diagnosis." I've suggested relevant books and movies - he won't budge. He was mainstreamed through fifth grade, had some difficult years between 5-7th grade and has been at a wonderful school for students with various issues for the last 3 years. He is very bright and gets excellent grades. Don't know how to help him. Any suggestions?

Just a suggestion, I don't have practical advice other than what I've offered because DS identifies very strongly with Aspergers (autism, OTOH, he's pretty rude about, and I'm slowly trying to show him that it's all the same thing, but that's something I take a long view on.)

What if you said something like, "Well, I'm not you - maybe you're right. What if we don't give this a label and just go with what works?" and then use the systems suggested by Atwood for disclosing issues at work without labeling them, e.g. "Some kids need to organize their stuff in a different way. Maybe this way will work better for you," or "Some kids forget to take turns when they're talking. Maybe we should practice letting the other person have a turn." and suchlike. Of course, you're going to have to be careful not to sound like you're talking down to them as my two examples here kind of do...

The label itself isn't important - the interventions, strategies, and accommodations are.

Thanks everyone. We've tried to approach this from several different angles. We've never considered her ASD as something wrong with her.

With getting older her lack of social skills are more apparent. It's hard getting help for her when she doesn't think she needs any. We keep plugging away at what is approriate and not but I do feel she would greatly benefit from some "social" classes. I'll go to the bookstore this weekend and pick up a few things for her.

I think knowing we're not alone in our struggles helps. I'm glad I found this forum.

I'm so there with you! Our DS, now 15, was diagnosed with PDD-NOS in March of this year. After researching it (and Asperger's, autism, etc.), I firmly believe it's a correct diagnosis and understand now why life has been so difficult with him. We only received the diagnosis after he had been admitted to a behavioral health hospital for suicidal ideations. Several doctors recommended residential treatment due to the severity of his denial and suppression. He absolutely refuses to recognize he has any issues at all and blames everything on me. His situation, though, is a little more extreme, as his bio-Dad also denies his issues and actively sabotages his treatment. My ex also actively sabotages my relationship with my son in order to manipulate him and punish me. I believe his denial is both a result of his coping skills and encouragement by his bio-Dad.

DS is highly intelligent, sensitive, loyal, and kind. He wants desperately to be liked by people and will do whatever he can to make them like him. As a result, he is often treated badly by his peers who see him as weak and desperate. He has no real friends. Those that claim to be his friends are only there to manipulate and use him for their own devices. He reverts to the online world, where he feels more "connected." Unfortunately, he refuses to recognize these things. He says he has no friends because they all hate me (his Mom). He believes he is abused because his bio-Dad tells him he is and that we put him in therapy to "punish" him. I try to talk to him about the reasons for the therapy but he WILL not listen and will argue 'round and 'round until he convinces himself he is right. His issues center around coping and communication. The doctors have all found him to be very superficial with little insight into his emotions and behavior.

So, we're at the point where I won't even discuss his social issues. However, I've found him to be much more open about it when we talk about the past. The therapists have interceded on my behalf to discuss his current issues and strategies (and also deal with my ex-husband).

A book I found to be very helpful is The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood. There is some really good information in it, especially pertaining to adolescents.

Good luck to you! The string that DW_a_Mom suggested is a good one--lots of insightful suggestions... I hope that you can find help for your daughter and wish that I had done so sooner.