Tween Aspie Hygiene

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I have a 12 yo daughter recently diagnosed with AS and we are CONSTANTLY struggling with her hygiene. We are terrified that she will be humiliated at school.

The positives first. She shower's EVERY night it's almost a ritual. She has soap she likes etc...

The negatives... her hair is usually a mess (partially due to think wiry hair) but mostly due to inability/desire to brush it.
She often forgets to brush her teeth.
She often does not wipe herself.
She picks her nose and *ahem*

We're working on the hair and teeth but the wiping is really hard to deal with and my wife and I are at wits end. My wife has suggested we humiliate her by going with her to the bathroom to make sure she wipes. But as a possible aspie myself I feel that will only alienate and discourage her even more.

We've tried the having our PA(Physicians Assistant) who she trusts talk to her about as a health risk. Explained the dangers etc. but while she gets upset and says she'll try she 'forgets' rather quickly.

I've scanned the boards here and found a little info and there are some books that may help but we're really getting scared as she is getting close to 'that time' and if we don't get some progress we're afraid the kids in school will crucify her.

Any help or suggestions?

why not let her have real short hair?

Maybe she really does forget. Have you tried putting, say, a little list up... the steps of the hygiene routine, or a checklist of things to do? And/or a sign on the bathroom door reminding her to wipe?
I suppose that doesn't translate over to school very well, but there it is probably only the wiping issue. Maybe you can come up with a "secret symbol" or something together and write it on her hand until she remembers... or maybe it's just a matter of practicing at home until she really does remember these things.
It doesn't seem to me like she actively wants to NOT do these things (except for maybe the hair, but that's a whole other battle).

This is a constant battle with my partners daughter too (age 11). We've tried having visual reminders in the bathroom, she takes them down and says she doesn't need them. We've tried actually going in the bathroom with her figuring that she wouldn't like it and it might provoke her into doing it herself, she didn't mind one little bit. She does have a bath every night but if left to her own devices she would simply play in the bath and soap would never touch her body. We've tried reward systems, bribes, threats - everything short of all out begging. We've tried showing her pictures of rotten teeth, and told her that no one will want to be friends with her if she smells. None of it seems to have any effect whatsoever. To get her to wash or brush her teeth she has to be TOLD to do it every time, and checked up on afterwards to make sure she has. Any small improvement we do see is very short lived and as soon as the reminders and checks stop then she reverts to not bothering. Like the OP said, it does seem to be a matter of not wanting to do it rather than genuinely forgetting. No matter how important hygiene is to most people it just seems that it's pretty low down the list of priorities to HER. And until we can find a way to actually make it matter to her personally, then nothing is going to work. It's just going to be one more thing of no relevance that she gets nagged at to do.

Sounds like me (when I was 12)

My advice:
List
Schedule
Help
No nagging
Honest talk about what will happen if she doesn't live within the "norms"
If you can make it more fun, try to. Could you do simple hygiene (hair brushing, tooth brushing, etc.) together and talk about something she's interested in? Or make it like a game?

Most of all: keep trying.

My son isn't Aspie, so we excuse his hygiene issues a bit more. He was very late with potty-training and never learned to wipe well. We use flushable wipes. I tell him stories about what would happen if he doesn't wipe well and he knows I check the wipes and his underwear. It works well.

I had hygiene problems too, though it wasn't for lack of trying. Parents using humiliation doesn't help and may cause serious damage, I've been that kid. You do need to explain about how to take care of her period. You're lucky she's late. I started at 10 (before my peers and before sex ed) and it was a total mess. Plus I had hormone problems and "had it" for months at a time. I couldn't articulate my need for pads or that "I had an accident". My mom treated it like I was willfully doing it. Nightmare.

Please try to treat her like it's okay and it's normal.

My son is 11, almost 12 and he was dx-d last year.

We have always had problems with hygene. Lately I have been able to get him to brush his teeth after giving rewards of money (he obesses and perserveres on money, business, sales and numbers). Hey it works and I was desperate as he wouldn't touch a tooth brush for like 6 months +.

As for showers I can get him in once a week and that I am happy. Hey a long time ago people bathed only once a week and were fine. I just give him lots of warnings first. If I can give warning's he is most likely to comply. If he takes a bath then I put bubbles in the bath so at least if he doesn';t use soap (which I encourage ) then at least I know there were bubbles to clean him somewhat.

Right now I am desperate for him to get his hair cut (a ongoing struggle) and we need to do it as it's getting long again and we need to get a EEG.

I am working on it, but it will take some time. He also doesn't wipe very well himself and it always shows....

This is such a hard thing to go thru for our kids.
Lainie

I would like to add that humiluation and embarrassment won't work for turning our kids or nt kids around. It will only hurt their self esteem.

Lainie

This isn't advice, because I don't remember how I managed to make the shift from having it done for me to tolerating doing it for myself.

Do recall my mother wiping for me, because I'd call for her from toilet when there was yucky stuff to deal with. I wasn't being snobby, I was a kid, and horrified & disgusted at what happened to my body during/after #2's. We can all think of what aspects of #2 are gross & off-putting: the smell, the appearance, the sounds. How does one encourage a person, let alone a child (who is utterly revolted & repulsed) to put his/her hand there, shielded only by thin wad of toilet paper, then rub the area ? Blech ! It was humilating (from my current persepective) having my mother do it for me, but it was so nasty having to do it myself, too.

Think of the scene from "Indiana Jones & Temple of Doom", where the blonde woman has to reach into insect-filled hole to trigger switch that will save Indy from the compression trap. Going to bathroom & cleaning self up afterwards (which I always do, now that I'm adult) is akin to reaching into that insect-laden gap every time, goes completely against my instinctive fear/aversion (have to force self to disobey my reactions, no simple task). Not saying this is reason for the OP's daughter's issue, only that it's possible.

Wow - this is common - we have some issues with this as well.
Notes are great for some things.
I do have to ask her every time she comes out of the bathroom "did you wipe?". She does have a sense of humor and we also jokingly say "no drip-drying today" She does connect with the humor of it and it makes her think about it. What has helped with wiping, this is a a sensory problem - rough TP vs. soft bathroom wipes, and bathroom wipes work MUCH better for my daughter.

She has trouble with washing her face (she is way too delicate with washing and is afraid to wash around her eyes), and forgets to put deodorant on about 25% of the time. We are constantly working on this.

My daughter has shoulder length curly hair and a lot of it - it has taken a year to get her used to brushing/combing after showers (she takes a shower every morning never at night) She has learned to put her hair in a pony tail - BUT I have to comb out the tender spot underneath at her neck, it's gets to be a rats nest and I do that only once a week.

With regards to puberty - if you daughter likes to read there are some really good books out there that deal with all sorts of puberty issues.

I also agree on the humiliation - it's the worst way to teach a kid - nt or otherwise.

Lynn

my son's hygiene is severely lacking as well. he'll brush his hair every day. but showering? HAH!...he says that he doesn't mind the water or the soap. he just doesn't like being cold. (he doesn't like when the shower ends & he has to get out and dry off).

brushing his teeth? can't get him to do that either. i kept hoping that when we went to the dentist that he'd show up with massive amounts of cavities~thus showing him the importance of brushing.........amazingly, though, he hasn't had any cavities yet!

as to the OP's dilemma~ i'd buy bathroom wipes instead of toilet paper. as far as the hair goes, you could try telling her that she will be getting a short hair cut unless she begins brushing it every day.( i've tried this with my son, and as he is quite obstinate, it didn't work. but who knows, might work for you).............the nose picking, etc is probably more of a nervous habit than anything else. not quite sure how to get this one decreased let alone eliminated

OK she does have short hair (we did this because she didn't want to take care of it) but even so it needs brushed. Any shorter and she will have a buzzcut.

I was originally afraid to place signs and visual reminders of things because of the humiliation factor but since we don't have guests over and it's much less than personally escorting her probably the best idea.

Part of the 'asking did you wipe' is a problem as she spends a lot of time in her room upstairs with access to the bathroom so the signs may be the best thing to do.

I REALLY like the idea of a 'secret symbol' when out in public.

I'll talk it over and let you know what happens... but if you have more advice please post!

There is a way you can keep short hair "tapered" where it looks plastered down, like the Twiggy look and it doesn't need to be brushed. Just finger-combed. I wanted long hair (I had very thick hair) but my mom wanted my stylish (70's) and kept it short and layered, where I needed it brushed and curled every day. Nightmare.
But really, just have her wet it down and maybe some leave-in conditioner and finger comb it. short hair styles

Here are some examples of short hair that doesn't need to be brushed, specifically, #1, #5 and possibly #10. I mean, this is just a suggestion to keep the battles down. I don't think you should force her to cut her hair in a way she doesn't like. It traumatized me and I have a love-hate relationship with my hair.

My son prefers to go without hygiene as well. However, I have explained that it is important enough to ME that I will do it for him if he isn't going to do it himself. So, some things he will do but with reminders; others he would rather just let me do. I have no idea how I am going to get him ready to be on his own this way, lol! Cross that bridge when we come to it, I guess.

We had a huge battle this morning over teeth brushing, and I got way too upset with him about it. I was raised with shame and humiliation and fear, and as horrible as it was at the time, when I get really stressed out that's sometimes where I go, and I yell. (I know, I know - that's the worst thing you can do in these situations. Believe me, there's nothing you can say that would make me feel worse than I already feel, or that I haven't already said to myself - I'm very good at humiliating myself, too.)

And today is PICTURE DAY at his school.

Honestly by the time he left for school, he looked worse than before I lost my cool.

I was being so laid-back about it, I was being GOOD, I let him pick out whatever he wanted to wear, and his hair's not a problem because his father's is very short and he wants to be like his dad so yay crewcut! All I wanted was for him to brush his teeth WELL ENOUGH for there to not be still lots of plaque and food gunk visibly between and on his teeth, and his breath generally smells like an old person who never cleans their dentures - he could drop an elephant at fifty paces. It's REALLY gross. We've also tried in vain to get his dental hygenist to explain/show to him why it's important to brush, and we've told him again and again that people won't want to be around him if his breath stinks so badly. None of this phases him in the least. And no, amazingly he's never had a cavity.

Every time, it's the same arguments, as though it's the first time all over again. He says things like...

~WHY do I have to brush EVERY day?
~I won't get a cavity just from not brushing ONE DAY! (which is, technically, true)
~No I didn't use the mirror when I brushed! Do you want me to brush my teeth, or look in the mirror?! ( Yes, but you need the mirror to SEE that you're getting your teeth clean or not - we provided him his very own mirror just for this purpose)
~But I brushed! Why do I have to use toothpaste, TOO?? (sometimes I just let that one slide - at least he tried, partially)
~Yes I did! I really did brush! (I feel the bone dry toothbrush, and dry sink - no he didn't)

I should say that I HATED brushing my teeth as a kid and frankly as an adult I still hate it. (and have the dental records to prove it) I was raised by a mother who was somewhat OCD about teeth-brushing, and would not only force me to brush at least twice or three times a day but would make me use baking soda instead of toothpaste, which I found revolting and gritty and horrible and I hated her for it. Her own teeth had little grooves along the gumline, from where she'd brushed so vigorously and obsessively that she'd worn away the enamel. Compared to her, I am SO LAID BACK about teeth brushing. But he NEEDS to do it and do it WELL once a day, at the very least. And his breath really is that bad.

I'm just chiming in here to say I am very familiar with the hygiene and especially teeth brushing battles (not that they SHOULD be "battles").

He has us wipe for him, too. For some reason, as gross as it is, I don't mind that much because it's more important that it gets done and done well, and it's not all the time. I, too, just put some bubble bath in his tub and let that be his "soap" - and aside from his breath, he does not smell or look "dirty."

I really can't believe he's never had a cavity, and we don't even have fluoridated water here. I've seen lots of kids younger than him with decay (usually from too much soda or letting them have bottles/sippy cups too long). I've almost wished he would get a little tiny cavity just so he'd finally "get" why it's so important to brush at least semi-regularly.

*sigh*

Yes, I am in therapy. Why do you ask?