Anxiety Issues

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I'm getting a little worried about Eldest.

(7 years old, eight in one month)

He's been evincing a lot of anxieties lately, which may or may not be linked to stomach pains -- he's got strep right now, so "tummy aches" aren't unusual -- some of which seem to be coming out of nowhere.

From what he tells me, he starts Thinking about things, and then can't stop. Recently he's been worried about....

Death. His uncle died just over a year ago, and the memorial service probably helped bring this back to mind. But he doesn't want to die, and doesn't want us to die.

High School. He's worried that he won't be able to remember the combination to his locker.

College. He's worried about all the writing and/or typing that he'll have to do. He's got undiagnosed dysgraphia, with an appointment to be evaluated soon.

Dentures. He doesn't want to get old and need dentures. This...I dunno. He doesn't even know anyone with dentures, although his own toothbrushing habits are less than stellar, and have resulted in a bunch of fillings.

Poptropica. An on-line gaming site, he gets terribly frustrated with puzzles that he can't solve and starts obsessing about them. I suggest not going to the site for a week or so, and he has a complete weeping melt-down.

We're thinking about making an appointment with a therapist sometime soon -- once he's no longer sick, at least -- at least for evaluation purposes. His mother suffers from depression, and I have some of the obsession issues that he has (If something breaks, for instance, I CANNOT let it go or stop obsessing about it until the situation is resolved. And until it is, I am short tempered and obnoxious. It's not something that I am proud of.), so we're very well aware of the possibility of something serious here.

I just don't know. Most of the day, Eldest is happy as a clam. He reads, he plays, he bickers with his little brother. He complains every morning about going to school, but he's fine on the walk there and he's apparently an absolute joy in class. But when these anxieties hit him, he's a mess.

Yesterday, he spent the morning complaining about his tummy. We went to a birthday party in the afternoon, he had a wonderful time, stuffed his face, and did NOT want to go home.

I hate seeing him like this, but don't know what to do. I managed to alleviate the locker anxeity this morning by pointing out that he's memorized his address, and his locker number wasn't going to be any longer than that...but logic generally doesn't work.

I think most children have a point at which they become concerned about death. I can still remember that moment in my child. In my husband's spiritual tradition, this is normally some time before their eighth birthday (the end of the first seven years, during which the spirit and the body are not fully separated in the child's mind). It's seen as the beginning of the recognition that we have physical bodies, but also spirits. Others might say it is simply a greater awareness of the human process of getting older and dying. Growing up means doing things that seem hard (I often say, "this will be easier when you are XX years old" or "you have lots of time to learn that.") It can be very scary to realize that you and your parents are not going to live forever. In children on the spectrum, it can be accompanied by their realization that some things are difficult for them, and a fear of whether they'll be able to get through whatever it is that is in their future.

I found it was best to listen to their fears and questions, and to answer them in a reassuring way. One of ours asked who was going to look after him if we died, and every time we named someone who would care for them (and we have a large family!) what would happen if that person died too. It must be hard to imagine what they'll do with no one to care for them. I ended up saying that chances were excellent that he would be able to care for himself by the time all those people died. Sometimes it helps to address particular concerns: if they are afraid of not being able to cook for themselves, suggest teaching them how to make something simple in the microwave, etc. If it is something you feel your child will never learn how to do, discuss whether it will be necessary to do it or how it can get done, i.e. offer alternatives.

J.

Buy him a lock with a key, ask the school principal to keep a copy, keep a few extra copies at home. Put the key on a carabiner clip he can attach to a belt loop, etc. I still have nightmares about my school locker and other numerical codes.

When DS was struggling with similar worries, we bought "What To Do When Your Brain Gets Stuck" at the recommendation of a therapist. It's for kids with OCD, but it works well for this sort of perseverative anxiety that kids on the spectrum get. It gives you a language to use when this happens: these are "garbage" thoughts...

This is what I suggest:

This is a story that can help those who are visual thinkers. Tell him that he can think of worries like rocks he picks up. When he picks up these worries and puts them in his pockets over time the heavy rocks start to make you feel heavy and bog you down. Say you understand why he's picking up the rocks, sometimes the rocks look important and you want to pick them up and "hang on to them". But over time, as you pick up more and more rocks, you become unable to move. You become unable to enjoy things because the rocks in your pockets weigh you down. So you start seeing people enjoying themselves and want to be happy and enjoy yourself too but you can't---because you are too weighed down with the rocks.
So you make a safe place-maybe a shoe box or a box he can decorate. And you sit down and symbollically tell him he's going to put his rocks (worries) into the box. One by one he can talk about the worries as he (symbolically or using actual rocks to represent the worries-the latter might confuse him) puts them in the box. Then you tell him, he can come to the box and think about the worries but when he is just playing or going to school or reading or playing a computer game-he's going to forget about the rocks-the worries. They are going to stay in the box so he is light enough to enjoy himself and not be bogged down. When he seems to worry, if this method works, you can say "do we need to put this worry in the box?"

Now I know this story seems far fetched and hard to understand for a small child but it helped my daughter-and helped her understand that worry weighs you down.

My daughter has anxiety over a lot of things and of course that's understandable-especially when it's a reactionary anxiety in the moment. But when kids start anticipating bad things-that can become very unhealthy very quickly. Some fears are typical and our kids just make them seem "bigger", but anything you can do to get him to understand that some worries do nothing but weigh him down would be helpful.