Need Help With 22 Year Old Son

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I hope I don't ramble here. My 22 year old son is a complex character; the schools never really identified his "problem," and he was categorized as LD NOS (not otherwise specified). Later, they changed it to autistic, but even they acknowledged he had few autistic symptoms. He was very athletic, and played travel soccer for years as a teen, and football in high school. As a child, he showed little emotion, but since graduating from high school, he often has sad or angry outbursts. In fact, I never saw my son mad once during the first 18 years of his life.

He hasn't worked in well over a year, and that was only as a temp during the holidays. He went to community college for a while, but as is typical with him put in little effort, and showed no desire for it. He doesn't seem to have any ambition, goals or spark for much of anything. He loves following sports, and surfing the internet, but seems too lazy to even try to get a girl friend. He has never even been on a date, but again doesn't really try to meet any (he does flirt with them online on free dating sites, but never seems to set anything concrete up). He also doesn't try hard enough to get a job. However, he seems deluded, and will genuinely sometimes become depressed that he can't get a job or find a girlfriend. He truly doesn't seem to understand that he isn't going to find either without trying.

He also is having more and more problems with his 18 year old sister, who really thinks something is "wrong" with him. She has little patience with him, and he doesn't even know how to communicate effectively with her. He'll lash out and call her awful names, then act very sad that she doesn't want to be friendly with him a few minutes later. His big aspie kind of trait is to "fidgie," as he calls it, with small things in his hands. He is a good guy- never done drugs or smoked, seldom drinks, and has never been in any trouble. He was in therapy for a few years after high school, but it didn't seem to help much, mostly because he resents any implication that he has something "wrong" with him. I'd love for him to get involved with some kind of aspergers social group in our area (if I could find one), but he would probably refuse to even give it a try, because it would lump him in together with people who aren't "normal."

I don't want to get "tough" with him and throw him out of the house. It's not my nature, and we tried that with my older brother years ago. He has a simliar set of issues as my son, mainly in the obsessive compulsive kind of stuff, but in other ways they are very different. At any rate, we let him go homeless and it didn't change his behavior one iota. He learned no lesson at all, and I still feel guilty about it. We are very frustrated at this point. We want him to do something, but can't seem to prod him to do it. At this point, I don't know what he can do, because I don't know if he'll commit to anything for more than a brief time. I would love to hear any suggestions, feedback, encouragement or whatever.

I would be hesitant about sending him to a social group for young adults...or adults, with AS because the ones who attend them can be a rather depressive bunch and I'm skeptical anything good would come of it, especially since your son doesn't feel he belongs in such settings.

Your son could be depressed, he could indeed be doing drugs, such as pot, or he could be in some prodromal phase of schizophrenia.

Let us give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's depressed for argument's sake. Most young adults are faced with the daunting question of what they're going to do with their lives, and this can be intimidating even for individuals who are "normal". Additionally, there are not a wealth of jobs out there for young people anymore, as there once were. Most summer jobs are all but gone and jobs that teenagers and young adults used to take are now occupied by older adults. A lot of people on the spectrum, and with similar disorders, cannot pass personality tests or interviews that a lot of these jobs require, and can't tolerate many of the work environments that go along with these jobs.

It might very well be that your son has not applied for these jobs because he knows he can't compete or handle them.

But it might also be that he just doesn't know how to seek out these jobs. He might need someone to walk him through the process.

Either way, you should keep in mind that contrary to how he appears, he might actually spend a significant amount of time trying to figure out what he's going to do with his life.
It might make him feel better to know that yes, he's expected to get a job, but you "have his back" if it doesn't work out.

College requires a lot of dedication, and it would not be the place to send him if he doesn't want to go. Alternately, he might try a trade school or even an art school.

I would forbid his sister from starting anything with him but be aware she might be doing so as a sign of jealousy or perceived unfairness in your expectations of her versus your expectations of him.

Concerning a girlfriend, I would not let the fact that he doesn't have one weigh heavily on your mind. If he complains that he doesn't have one I would simply tell him that to get one he has to actually ask a girl out. But it's not reasonable to expect him to be able to navigate romantic relationships if he can't even navigate basic social situations.

One of the points that Chronos didn't make is that all the conditions she listed can look from the outside like the person doesn't care or has no ambition, but it may be that making the effort can seem insurmountably difficult. Your interpretation of your son's behavior may not reflect what he thinks or feels about it, or about the things he wants to do but can't seem to manage (getting a job, for example).

And with these conditions (or autism, or several others), pushing people to extremes (like kicking them out) won't force them to change because you're not dealing with the real problem, just making them feel even worse about having the problems.

I'm glad you are here searching for an actual answer, but surely you realize that kicking an Aspie out is the absolute WORST thing you could do, right??

I'm in my thirties, and it took me until this time to get a grasp on the fact that I HAVE to work (and learn how to keep a job, although if I didn't have a friend/advocate at work that is CONSTANTLY watching out for me and giving me warnings that my behavior is going to get me in trouble--sometimes the stress causes me to get pissed off and have meltdowns-- I would have already lost this job too)...I would be unemployed yet again.

I have lived absolutely alone ONCE in my life, and that was for about 6 months. Having to deal with the responsibilities of living alone were overwhelming, and I couldn't handle the pressures of knowing that if I forgot to pay my bills (which I tend to do) I would be out on the street, were too much. (I also have a difficult time managing my money) So, I found a room mate. Well, now I live with my gf who is a lot more responsible than I am. I do worry though what I will do if something happens to her (or our relationship). I panic at the thought of having to move back in with family. They don't understand or even want to understand my Aspergers. They simply think I'm lazy and selfish...which is sort of sounds like you want to believe about your son, but are starting to come around to the truth of the matter (why you are here).

So, yeah...he probably does NOT want to be living with you still, but he probably doesn't have any other options and it is better than being homeless. So, please read all that you can about aspergers and give him the benefit of the doubt by being patient with him. Don't push him to do "normal" things at "normal paces" (i.e., girlfriend, friends, career, education, etc).

A person can have zero self-motivation (like your son seems to now) but still be capable of quite a bit, IF you know how to get him to do it. The magic words are usually, "I need your help." With something like household chores, for example, the usual bit of "If you're not going to work then you can at least pick up your room," just leads to sullen resistance (being depressed doesn't mean you no longer have pride). But saying, "I need your help. There're guests coming over and I just can't do everything in time. Could you do the dishes for me so I can get everything done?" usually gets better results.

But how does that get him a job and go to college? It doesn't, by itself. But once he's willing to help you if you sincerely need it, he'll also listen to you when you sincerely talk. And saying, "I love you, and I want you to succeed in this world, in whatever way that is. Let's go get some applications tomorrow, you and me, OK? No commitment, just the pieces of paper. It'll be fun." might fall on more receptive ears.

I would imagine he needs some sort of spark. Could that spark be in volunteering in a sports program for kids? This might generate his need to work for pay. He just might want to contribute some of the money that he has earned into his charitable work with a team. He needs some sort of "purpose" to earn. I strongly advise "against" getting him into a support group. It will drag him down. You could also ask for rent from him because he lives with you and is no longer a child. You will need to guide him into independence whereas a lot of other young men require to leave home. They "want" to go. He has to be eased into it with a lot of guidance, patience and a "you can do it!" attitude from his family. He's still young but NOW is the time. Do you feel it's worth a try? My best wishes and prayers are with you. The outbursts are because he feels as though he's going no where and can't express how that feels in an appropriate way. His sister has no right to get with him on this. She's not a parent. She needs to keep her nose in her own business. A lot of people on the spectrum (if he's on the spectrum) don't even realize that all these years they were growing into adulthood and that they are expected to go out on their own. They have to be taught from when they're small. When the majority of young guys leave home, these guys don't - they're not ready because they were never told from a very young age that this was expected of them. With the majority of young guys, these things are assumed. Aspies must be told. Your son might not be ready to leave for a very long time but there's no reason why he can't earn and help you run your household. When he does good things that for example gives you money to remodel a bathroom, tell people what he's done and how he helps you. This will give him a sense of pride for his duty as a son who still lives at home. Also, a lot of aspies think that we as parents will live forever. They must gently be reminded that we do eventually die. They must be strong and move on but nobody going to die right now. But he has got to start doing things now because life holds certain realities and he must be prepared. I made a lot of mistakes with my older son (25) because I assumed he knew his role in life. He was a bum and a half!! The military helped him BUT he's that type for the military. His spark was the "structure" of the military. He needed to be constantly told when and where to be. Freedom killed his motivation. Even now, he works rigidly. Hates to be off with nothing to do!
He installs burglar alarms for a living. My younger son (13) is already brainwashed to get prepared for adulthood. The military would mess the younger one up - he's more scholastic. Everything is math and science to him. Even siblings are SO very different. BUT he suffers in the summer - too much time on his hands. I found him summer camps involving engineering but he can't go the entire summer because I'm not made of money! He's miserable when there's no school.

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]

Sometimes, what appears as laziness might in fact be ADHD-PI (predominantly inattentive ADHD). I'm not suggesting your son has it, as I can't make a diagnosis over the internet, but I wanted to present you with this option, too. Sometimes, ADHD-PI is harder to spot than the combined or hyperactive type of ADHD, since it lacks the hyperactive element. People with ADHD-PI more often than not start off many projects and end up not finishing any of them. They often seem lazy to those around them. And ADHD is sometimes a co-morbid condition to Asperger's.

Of course, this might not be the case, he might be depressed instead. Who knows what's in his mind and heart? Perhaps trying to talk to him, in order to catch a glimpse of his inner world, might be an idea to help you understand what he's going through.

Most of all, please do not threaten with kicking him out of the house. I'm 24 years old, still live with my father and, when we had a fight and he threatend with throwing me out of the house, I had the most massive nervous breakdown in years. It felt as if my whole world was tearing apart, as if any sense of safety I had was lost for ever. Ever since, even if we've got over that moment, I never got back my sense of safety. As a result, all my ADHD symptoms have backfired. I did a fair job to keep them under control before that fight - and now I'm totally overwhelmed by them, I'm on a losing streak. And already 4 full months have passed... Maybe neurotypical young people are different, maybe they can adjust better if they are just thrown out of their homes. But it's not the case with us. That would be too much of a change all of a sudden for people like us to take in...

_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

Thanks so much for the replies. To clarify; I would never kick my children out, with or without aspergers. My wife and I support him as much as we can. We did make him pay for his car insurance, when he still had money, but at this point,he hasn't worked in a while, so he has no way of paying rent.

Since I'm still learning about this, let me give more details. My son, as I said, never expressed anger in 18 years. A month or so into college, one day he just said, "I can't stand these migraine headaches" and also said he'd been depressed for months. To say we were shocked is a real understatement. He'd always been placid and pretty pleasant. He just had a lot of trouble "getting it" academically, especially any kind of tests. Anyhow, he even started talking about suicide, which terrified us. One day, he came running up to me, big smile on his face (another thing most people don't get is his inappropriate smiling) and said he'd put a bit of Raid on his tongue. I don't know if he did or not, but he never showed any ill effects. A week later or so, he came out of the shower and asked my wife if his neck looked red. She said no, and he told her he'd started to hang himself with a towel, but got scared. She never heard anything, or saw a mark, so we don't know what was really going on.

After that, we sent him to a local mental hospital for observation. They told us that he would be there at least three days, but after the head psychiatrist questioned him, they let him go the next morning. He seemed a little "scared straight," and for the most part has improved a lot since then, at least in terms of not talking about suicide or even depression. Things are usually pleasant around the house unless we try to push him, or even question him about if he applied for a job today, etc. So my wife and I tend to kind of want to keep the peace, and probably don't push him enough. That's probably where a lot of the resentment from his sister comes in. He just annoys her, because he can't figure out how to communicate properly. She understandably doesn't get this, because a few years ago, he was driving her to school with him every day, they were going to Starbucks afterwards, and getting along great. The change in him after graduation was dramatic; from no emotion to very emotional, sometimes even crying over little things. Also the angry outbursts (not really any more, thank goodness), which were scary and unknown before. Is this kind of personality change something known to aspies?

I don't really know if he has aspies or not, but it seems like he has a trace of something on the autistic spectrum that makes him just "different" enough. He and I have always been very close; I coached his teams and volunteered in his class, etc. We still are- he now has a keen interest in politics, like me, as well as sports. I agree with the sentiments expressed about the job market; it IS very hard out there now for young people. In fact, my wife lost her job and was out of work for over two years during the worst of all this, which I'm sure added to all the tension in our house. Our financial situation alone was very stressful, without our son going through such changes.

I have read some of the posts on this forum- what a great resource! And I envy those of you who have a patient partner who can navigate the waters that give you difficulty. That's what I wish so much for my son- I feel if he just had an understanding girl, his positive qualities could really shine through. That was the idea with the social group; just trying to get him to make some new friends. I appreciate the advice against it; you all have more experience here than I do. The other problem is the family, on both sides. Again, we've never told them he had any problems, and he certainly seems "normal" to them. So, of course, they are just asking us constantly, "what is he doing?" or "why don't you make him get a job?" As if we can manufacture one. I have applied online for him at several places (it is so hard now- for a job at Target, I had to answer a 50 question test!) I also look for him all the time, and send him job listings and volunteer opportunities.

I really, really am grateful for all your comments, and would love to hear more feedback. We love him so much, and only want the best for him. Thanks.

I do the "inapproriate smiling" thing a lot. I have been known to not be able to stop smiling at funerals...serious church services (when I still went)...or any sort of serious conversation. Most of the time it is uncontrollable/involuntary, but sometimes it is because I find NT's emotional responses funny and ludicrous.

The best way you can help him is probably by changing you and your wife's attitude towards him.

You seem to be assuming that he "won't" do these things. There is a huge difference between "won't", and someone who is simply not able to do those things, or someone who doesn't know how to do these things. I expect your son is one of the last two. Many of us do hit the milestones, we just don't always do it on the "normal" schedule.

We are extremely sensitive, if we feel like we are being criticzed many of us just curl up like a hedgehog and get spikey with you or ignore you completely. How you say things somtimes makes all the difference.

He has to feel he can "win" here. If you say to him "why can't you do the dishes, you don't do anything esle all day!", it's going to produce absolutely no result. If you say to him, "Would you be able to help your mum with the dishes, I know she needs some help and would appreciate it." and actually thank him properly afterwards. it willl start producing more productive results.

You need to be positive and consistent with him. If he feels he can't win with you, he's not even going to try, esspecially when it comes to the outside world. He doesn't need someone to nag him about getting a job, he needs someone to sit down with him and explain exactly how to get one, and help him do each bit step - by - step. Even if it's only one step a day, he will probably need help but he's just not asking for it.

Have your wife sit with him and create a resume. After you're done, let him go back and do whatever he wants to do. Use small steps on a daily basis.

You're his family, he needs your support and understanding.

To what most have said here, I would add:

Set up a routine (this will take time) and a system where your son is able to build up responsibilities around the house with some kind of a reward system, and build on that to add responsibilities outside the house (volunteering, etc. - it's helpful if anything not happening at home in some way involves his interests.) I know this sounds silly for a 20-year-old, but it mirrors the "real world" where if you do your job you get paid; you're going to have to come up with some kind of a reward system that isn't ridiculous for a 20-year-old. Although my son is 10, we work very hard to very, very gradually increase the amount of household responsibility he has - and we do it by renegotiating the rewards he gets for those responsibilities.

I'm sure your son is struggling with all kinds of difficulties, but one way to help fight the inertia is to slowly build on what he can do, until you've got some semblance of life skills and job skills. SLOW and small is the key.

When he first started complaining about migraines, we became scared he had a brain tumor or something. We had him checked out medically, but they found no problems, so we realized there was something psychological there. Our son had never really complained much before, and was kind of a "tough guy" kid and teen, although he never fought people or anything. Just never got hurt or let little things slow him down. When his personality changed, however, he became different, and sometimes now seems almost "wimpy."

I was in an autism parents support group for a while, but their situations all seemed vastly different from mine, so I stopped going. I've found more valuable advice on this thread than I've received anywhere else. It's been illuminating for me to hear from young people with aspies. It helps me to understand my son a lot better. Assuming my son does have aspergers, of course. To those of you who have read and/or responded; from what I've described, does it sound like my son is an aspie? If not, what could he possibly have?

One of the biggest issues we have is how to help my son, without offending him. For instance, the other day we had a big argument; he started complaining that we'd never shown him how to use the washing machine by himself. In fact, we have tried to show him things like that, but teaching him anything is very hard. It's like he puts a wall up in front of him- he invariably will say, "I know that already," when he clearly doesn't, and in fact has just asked you to show him. Then he will make fun of the way we're showing him, make fun of our voices, etc.

Again, the input here has been very valuable to me. Any other thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated and welcomed.