Do you yell at your children?

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This is more of a basic parenting questioning coming from an Aspie older sister I see my parents yelling at my little sisters and it gets annoying sometimes seeing that. My mom has went so far as calling the 10 year old and myself a b***h and once when I (yes the 23yr. old ME!) yanked the phone from the then 8 year old (which I know now was wrong) my mom's response was "If you do that again I will kill you that's not a threat but a promise." These comments from my family haunt me to this day and overall I wanted to know do you yell/swear at your children. BTW the yelling is practically a daily thing either to the 8 year old or 10 year old.

My parents learnt very quickly that treating
me that way would send me into a rage that
only a 2 inch needle serinj filled with thorazine would
stop me from more holebashing in the wall and
slicing my arms with broken glass and kicking
everything in sight.

I remember a black out so strong that
I did not even remember how dad
got all those scratches and cuts on his
face, mum said I did it and I did not belive her.

I have not had a rage like that for years
but I am farfaid that if someone does
treat me like this then I wll be sent to
prison for something I cannot control,
that is why I never leave house without
brother.

For any parents reading this, understand that yelling like that, tends to make them think it's OK to do that to other people. I almost got arrested once because I threatened to kill someone after my mom was doing the same to me. Furthermore, I started using profanity at a very early age because my parents used it around me at a very early age.

In the end, doing this kind of stuff will just screw them up more.

I'm afraid to say that I do yell at my daughter sometimes. I know it is completely pointless but parents are humans too and sometimes stress, tiredness and frustration get the better of us.

Yes I yell sometimes, and I used to spank too when they were younger. It worked. They learned not to do what I told them not to do and to do what I told them to do. They are good, happy, well adjusted kids, and have no terrible after effects from it.

Asking them if they would like to clean their rooms, eat their dinner, take a bath, do their homework etc, just didn't work. Neither did time out, discussing the issue, chore charts or rewards. Old fashioned parenting worked on me and it worked just fine on my kids. They are good kids and very happy.

PaganMom

Mom yelled at me growing up. I hated it but it made me listen. But I have realized it didn't always work because I keep doing the same thing over and over. All I got was the yelling, no punishment. I remember I kept locking my brother in the bathroom and I get yelled at and sent to my room. It took me a while to stop doing it. I didn't understand why it was wrong. Hey my old nanny did it to me and to him.

I remember putting on fake make up and making my face looking like a clown. Mom didn't like it for some reason and it was my make up I was playing with. She yell at me and tell me to wash all that stuff off my face. I out grew that game of course.

What you are describing isn't yelling, its verbal abuse.

People are going to lose their cool and yell. It can be frightening to children, but it should not permanently damage them, IF the person letting off steam can refrain from calling the child names, making threats, or otherwise putting the blame for the whole scene on the child. An acceptable statement might be "I am so sick of stepping on toys in your room!" Note the "I" v. "you." Unacceptable is saying, "you are so lazy and such a slob!"

No yelling is ideal, of course, but that may not be a reasonable expectation. When someone works too hard against their own nature, what might have been controlled explosions turn into uncontrolled and damaging explosions. What IS reasonable is to ask parents to express their frustration in ways that are not abusive.

Now, my NT daughter happens to be really sensitive, and I've learned that it doesn't matter with her how I phrase things, what she'll hear is "you are lazy and a slob." For her, I have to try really hard to not go beyond a very generalized "GRRRRR!! !! I'm just frustrated right now!" Its important for a parent to know if that is the way a child is, and if one has a non-verbal child it is important to use caution, because you don't know what the child is hearing.

Thanks for your response. I agree it's verbal abuse. Once when the 10 year old (when younger) busted the 8 years old lip with a bat my dad was saying You're f*****g stupid! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT YOU'RE SO STUPID! (I tried intervening but dad pushed at me) After he left the room the 10 year old was in the fetal position saying "I'm so stupid I'm so stupid." I fealt SO bad for her!! !

I never insult them or call them names, but I do yell. I might yell a loud G**ammit! once in a while, but never something AT them. I do cuss in general though, and have never really worried about watching my language in my own home. My kids know that under a certain age it's not accpetable and you shouldn't say it, so I haven't had the problem of them repeating it. But I have never called any of my kids names like b**** or stupid or anything like that. That would be abuse IMO.

PaganMom

Parents yell out of frustration, but it does not accomplish anything. It only makes the parent and child stressed out, upset, and angry. My parents, especially my mother, have yet to learn that yelling only makes the situation worse.

Zeldapsychology, one of my concerns, when I read some of these posts, is if anyone is showing you and your siblings ACCEPTABLE ways to release anger. I read that you get punished or yelled at (abusively) if you use your anger destructively, but are any alternatives being modeled or taught? Have your parents discussed ways you can vent that are considered acceptable in the family? In our family, most incidents are followed by a discussion of what could have / should have been done instead. Even when it is me, the mom, that has acted inappropriately
(hey, no one is perfect).

Really? Because here it works just fine. I usually don't have to yell, but when I do have to yell, they know I mean business and get right to it. Doesn't make anything worse around here.

PaganMom
I'm the aspie, my kids are NT

I yell at my son, but it's not often and he is basicly warned and it's specific to his behavior. I only do it when he is being blatantly defiant and not listeningat all, or arguing. I start with telling him that I am getting angry or frustrated, and then if he is still defiant I yell at him to listen or he's losing something. It's only to show that I'm done negotiating.

My husband yelled a lot and my son totally blew it off, or he fought back. He does not learn anything from it except how to yell. It's been a struggle in my house and it's getting much better. My son doesn't yell at me, but he does to other people because he learns it from his dad. I have tried (and it's worked) to explain that my son has a communication disorder and he learns by emulating others, and if you yell, so will he. He was never abusive in his yelling though, my son couldn't handle that so I'm happy about that.

Some things require immediate yelling. Getting suspended, having the cops show up at your door accusing them of something, getting took down to the police station, breaking something, coming home past curfew without a good reason, etc. Other things don't require immediate yelling such as asking them to clean their rooms, take out the trash, leave their sister alone etc. Then when they don't do it and you ask again, and they still dont do it, that's when you yell.

PaganMom

Yes, I have yelled. I find that when I yell at my son, it is usually completely out of frustration -- and it always has to do with schoolwork. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't yell at all.

I definitely lose my cool sometimes, and I hate that I do that. So, later on, when I'm more calm, I will talk with my son and say that I was out of order, that I shouldn't have lost my cool, and I'll apologize to him. Now, if he did something bad, for instance lieing to me, I don't apologize for yelling about that -- I just can't stand children who lie. It's a value that has to be taught, and your children need to get the message strong and clear that being a liar is unacceptable. BUT, most of the other times that I yell it is my fault, and I need to get control.

I am also trying to teach my son that he has rights -- that if I am being unreasonable, he should point it out to me and let me KNOW that I'm being unreasonable. I actually manipulate situations to test him, to see if he will fight back. I do this because I want to make sure that he is in the habit of defending himself, since our kids have that tendency to be gullible and easily manipulated. I can't think of any other way to teach this concept.

My mum never yelled when we were little. She'd just drop the 'wait until your father hears about this!' line, and we were pale as ghosts and scared crapless the rest of the day. And she rarely told him too. My dad however, would constantly remind me what an idiot I was, how stupid I am, yadda yadda. I don't really talk to him anymore, and I'm better off for it.

OP, remind your sisters that they are smart, that they are beautiful, everything your parents say they aren't. It's a wonder what a kind word can do for a child's development, and sadly, verbal abuse is horribly unrecognized in this country. There's not much else you can do without risking yourself, but you can at least minimize the damage. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.