School Playground - socialising with other parents

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Hi, I'm an infrequent poster on here. I have aspergers and my son has autism, though he is leaning towards aspergers now at six, nearly seven, after a lot of hard work. He started a new school, mainstream again, last October as he had an awful time in his first school. So he's settled in well at his new school and a few children seek him out in the mornings to play chase. The Mums mostly ignore me, occasionally they will return my smile but they don't chat to me unless I ask a specific question about something going on at school. I invited eight kids over for half term and only three replied - one no, two did come (and had a great time). The other five just ignored the invite. I see all the other Mums are friends together on facebook but nobody has added me and it's been six months now. The Mums don't all chat down the school but they are at least facebook friends, which is more than I've got! They must have noticed me by now as I have mutual friends with several of them but I daren't add them as I'm the outsider and I don't want to be turned into some playground joke. I feel like my son and I have been on our best behaviour but we're just not being included. He's not had a single party invite and there are thirty two kids in that class, I know at least three of them had big parties this year. I show up to all the school assemblies and special events but nearly always stand alone. I exchange the odd brief hello with a handful of Mums before they go off and sit with their friends. What can I do to improve this situation? My son is not so bothered and doesn't mind being on his own, though to be honest he has people seeking him out most mornings! I mind though, I mind a lot

I came to this thread hoping to get some advice on how to do what the title says. I have a 9 yo daughter, and I have AS, but I havn't even considered friending her classmates parents on facebook. The thought just havn't occured to me, much since I don't really remember their faces most of the time, and I have no chance of connecting names to said blurry faces. Logic dictates that I would see them now and them at the grocery store, but I have never met any of them, or atleast never noticed/remembered any of them. This is my problem with socializing with other parents, a degree of "face blindness" that many with AS have. I could have insulted them somehow by ignoring them "out and about", but I can't say for sure. But let's get back to your problem..

It seems, from what you describe, that you are trying to reach out, but they ignore your attempts or they are too tight a group and wont let anyone new in. Have you tried sending friend requests to the moms who replied to your earlier event? Do you know the names of your kids friends at school, if he has any yet? Do you know the names of his friends mothers?

Perhaps you could try to arrange a sleep over at your place with one of his friends, thats a nice way to get in touch with another parent. Usually it involves exchange of phonenumbers to be able to get a hold of your kids. It doesn't even have to be a sleep over, just a visit after school. Perhaps it's called a playdate in english, not sure.

Outside of the rare mom friendships that happen just because people click, most are formed over shared experiences: preschool pick ups, toddler mom groups, soccer teams, gymnastics class, church, and volunteering at the school. Basically, things that throw you together for a longer period of time.

Parents of ASD kid's can have a disadvantage by not being in the sports circle or other common activities.

I think your best bet is getting involved at the school, doing things with other moms. That will help you start to build the connections you want.

It isn't easy when you don't have the same social ease and interests as the popular moms, but getting involved starts to break it down a little.

Ouch, I've been in this situation so many times. It's my daily reality at work.

But when my son was younger, I used the playdate suggestion, which led to friends for both my son and me. A group will often manage to single out and ignore the AS mom. But if you approach an individual mom, and say that you noticed that your respective progeny are playing well together, and suggest a playdate, she would have to be extraordinarily rude to ignore you.

A few possible issues to address:
-Ensure your child is playing well, not hitting, etc.
-NT's often prefer people who dress and talk like them. I'm not suggesting you actually dress or talk differently, just noting that NT's seem to like that.
-Along those lines, NT's seem to like to talk about things I find very boring. Likewise, I seem to talk about things they find very boring. If I want to maintain conversations with them, I have to prepare to be bored, and to say things that I think sound boring and stupid, while attempting to appear engaged.
-My son spent many years at a small, alternative private school with a high percentage of "quirky" kids whose moms were also "quirky." It was perfect for him, and for once in my life, I wasn't the weirdest mom. Or even the second weirdest (I was probably fifth weirdest). If you can find and afford or get a scholarship for something like that, it may be well worth it for both of you.

Ugh, I'm not looking forward to this - my son isn't in school yet but it won't be long. I have poor face recognition and can't remember names either and I don't really want to make friends with other Moms but may need to if I want my son to have any friends.

My HFA/ASD daughter has been in school now since last year starting in prep-school and doing first year primary this year. It's now 18 months and I see the same parents every school day as they transfer kids in the same class together.

Unfortunately none of the parents in my class say hello or bother to greet me. My only positive thing I can say though is none of them have lodged any complaints (as far as I know) as my daughter has thrown chairs at kids, poked, scratched and tipped over chairs and computers when she gets sensory overload. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the cold shoulder.

I have heard (through the grapevine) that a couple of parents have predicted she (my daughter) should be in a special school. But that doesn't surprise me either.

I don't even drive, my kid is probably going to have to take the bus I don't even know how I'm going to get to know the other parents unless his father and I occasionally go to the school together but going with my partner takes the pressure off of me to have to actually communicate with anyone.

As an NT, I often don't think about these things that hard and don't read into them nearly so much. I don't know how everybody else feels about facebook, but I rarely seek out new people to friend on there. If someone sends me a friend request and I know them, then I say yes. I always find someone to talk to during the practice while my children are in sports, but I rarely talk to anyone at school events. I may say hi to a few people I recognize. I am usually too busy trying to figure out how this is disrupting our evening family routine, what I am going to do about dinner, and smiling at and adoring my child (as most events I attend are school productions). However, if someone engages in a conversation with me, I return the chat as I love to talk. There are always cliques even with adults, but as for me I am content in my life and my friends so I don't seek them out or put much energy into engaging with people I don't know well. This is not to say that I don't want to be friends, I just don't think about it much and probably seem very rude to someone else trying to politely wait for me to make the first, or even second move.

I guess what I am trying to say is go ahead and try to friend them on facebook, and talk to them (especially about their children... people love to talk about their own children).

I am NT, but not overly friendly with people I dont really know. I dont do facebook, but I would be more forward with the moms about it. I would not only say HI, but go over and tell them tha tyou are really hoping for your son to make a lot of freinds and have a fun school year! I would ask if any of them are on Facebook, or if there is a class page (I have a few freinds whose classmates moms organize this). If there is no specific page, then maybe YOU can organize it That would be a great way to get everyone to join and you be there too!

I am usually not overly friendly or the one to start up a conversation with people I dont know...but in the situations where I am in a moms group, or when my son was in pre school (he is now homeschooled), I would be much more forward and it worked! Now that my son is homeschooled, I have to be even MORE chatty with the moms, and make my presence known in the homeschool groups. If I overhear moms talking about a playdate or an activity in the making, I go over and join myself right in, and always get my kids invited or involved!

Take the leap, it is uncomfortable at first, but I find that the more I butt in, or the more I talk, the more involved others make me.

good luck!

Facebook is touchy. I am like EurekaC, where I don't go out and "friend" people, I just accept those who friend me. And, honestly, I realized early on that being FB friends with people you see often in real life but aren't super close to can get touchy.

I really don't like hearing about the social events I wasn't invited to, or discovering just how often my friends do things together and without me. When you are super close to someone, you usually understand right away why you aren't there, or aren't worried about it, but when you are insecure about the relationship, it is awful.

When we went sailing with a school family I went to the trouble of pointing out that it was our "fabulous silent auction win" (which it was) just to be sure her other friends wouldn't start wondering why they had never been invited sailing.

That said, if you think you can handle the sense of knowing just how much you and your child are excluded from, you do start to get a really clear picture of what bonds people. They post about their kid's soccer games, and you see comments from other moms with kid's on the team, and so on.

Thanks for all the replies, I have read them all. I won't reply in too much detail or this post will turn into a novel. I will have a think about what's been said and see if I can use any of the advice to improve things. I do already try to look very NT with my clothes and make up, and my son's behaviour is quirky and weird but not violent or disruptive. He was at the last school but has been fine at the new one.

I just tried play dates though as I said a lot of parents didn't even bother to reply. I think it would be embarrassing to invite a child around again that hasn't even bothered to reply to the previous invite. I chased up the parents who didn't bother to reply but they made mumbled excuses about 'having a look later' for the invite they reckoned they hadn't received. Then clearly didn't.

Eureka-C your response doesn't sound very NT.

DW you're probably right that I don't want to know half of it. But by knowing so very little of it I feel like our lives are a bit empty, especially as my child has no siblings and doesn't like to be alone all the time. He'll be really lonely this summer if he can't make any two-way friendships that carry on outside of school. And I'm already quite sad about standing alone in the playground every day.

I guess the recurring theme I haven't really tried is getting involved at school. I go to all the events but I don't get involved with the pta or anything. Maybe I need to give that a go next.

Maybe faking NT is intimidating a few aspie or BAP parents. I know when I fake NT I suddenly get attention from a different crowd of people, it's surreal and makes me uncomfortable because I have little to nothing in common with them. However if I don't try to hide the fact that I'm awkward I'm more approachable to fellow outcasts.

I also would consider letting the few parents you do get to know that you are a little more than shy. Tough call because some groups will embrace you when they hear that, while others will see it as a great reason to continue to ignore you. You are going to have to read them.

There was a lovely woman at our school that it literally took me years to meet. I can be shy, and I just didn't know what to make of the awkward signals she was sending. Did she want to be approached or not? I just couldn't tell. Eventually we ended up working on something together and I slowly got to know a little about her, and that information helped me so much. I finally knew when to include her, when she would rather be alone, etc. Our boys wanted nothing to do with each other (lol, we tried, since they are both AS), but it was so nice to know it wasn't something *I* did that made her uncomfortable, she just was that away around people. As more and more people at the school got to know that about her, and about her son, they both started to find their place.

What are your son's interests? Pursuing them can help him make some friends.

Carpools, too. That is another surprising little magic tool.

I'm not sure if the cold shoulder you are getting is because
a) the parents aren't comfortable with you
b) the parents aren't comfortable with your child
c) the parents all happen to be busy people with busy social lives

Whether you are NT or not NT is going to make little difference if b) or c) is the case. Many people I come across in daily life seem to often fall into c). We come across people who we think are an open book or starting from scratch, this is not the case. Many parents have extended family whom they are comfortable with and long standing friendships with the local community that take up all their free time. Now if you come across as somebody wanting to be invited or invite these parents to be included as part of their lives you are competing for their time with people whom they are already comfortable with. Further, if you are special needs and your child has special needs then it adds a complication that the average NT mother is not going to rush into to be a part off.

I think circulate in the same circles for a while and you will get some idea of which parents will be amenable to socialising with you. As DW says this means joining clubs, social groups etc and sticking with them and volunteering your time.

I myself have not reached a stage where I can invest my time in re-building relationships however I ran into old workmates the other day and I will try again. I guess it's a little like the Carly Simon song.

"I know nothing stays the same, but if you are willing to play the game, it's coming round again!"