Trapped between two Aspies

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I have posted on this forum before and received excellent advice that has helped me an incredible amount. I'm writing now because we're going through another rough patch and I'm running out of ideas. First, a little background (if you're already familiar with my story you can skip to the next paragraph). I grew up in a very volatile family and I promised myself that as an adult I would never put myself into that kind of situation. When I married my husband I strongly suspected that he was on the spectrum, and was 100% convinced that his young son was. We did not have custody of the son though, who lived thousands of miles away. My husband seemed mostly fine around me. I had to make some accommodations for him (as I'm sure he was making accommodations for me) but we got along fairly effortlessly with only a few big arguments early on (before we married) and almost no problems after we got married. Until...his ex-wife died rather suddenly from cancer and we gained full custody. We've had full custody for 3 years now, and it has been VERY DIFFICULT for us. My husband did not want to acknowledge that there was anything different about him or about his son. It took years of me nagging (as well as every one of his teachers, counselor, psychologists, etc.) before my husband finally agreed to get his son tested.

My step-son's diagnosis is autism (high functioning) and ADHD. We finally got an IEP set up for him last month, at the end of his 6th grade year (age 12). I thought things would get easier on summer vacation because the daily nightmare of trying to get him to do his homework would be over...but instead, the disruption of his routine through attending day camps (we both work full time) has ratcheted up his bad behavior at home even more than when he was in school. When he was tested, the Dr. told me that Seth does not have a strong bond with me and that Seth feels I'm in the way of him getting what he wants...from his dad who is not at all a disciplinarian. She told me that I should step back and let my husband do all of the activities that would normally cause conflict between Seth and I (getting him to brush his teeth, eat breakfast, get dressed and off to school, get to bed on time, not play video games all day, do his homework, etc.).

So, I was happy about not having to be the bad guy all the time, and although it has been hard for him, my husband has gotten better at being the enforcer. My relationship with Seth has improved a lot, but I feel that now there are more conflicts between my husband and Seth. This is what happened yesterday morning.

I was awoken early by yelling, and then the sound of loud thumps coming from upstairs (where are kitchen and living room are). I got up and went upstairs barely awake and still in my pjs. My husband is in the pantry, literally throwing things out into the dining room area. He's swearing up a storm. I ask him what he's doing and he goes off on this big tirade about how he's totally sick of how cluttered and crappy our house is, and how he's throwing stuff away (only he's yelling and using lots of expletives). He picks up a box of dried milk and yells "Like why in %^*@ Sake to we have &*@#! dried milk!??? and throws it out the door. I didn't say anything, just decided to go and take a shower and let him cool off, which usually works. But after my shower, more thumps and curses happening upstairs so I go get back into bed for awhile. Finally I have to get up or else I'll be late for work. Plus I have to feed the cats upstairs before I leave. I go back up there and now he's having coffee but he's still yelling, saying how he's sick and tired of having the litter box in the upstairs bathroom (there really isn't anywhere else to put it) and he's saying F*** this and F*** that, and he's yelling it *at* me. Like I'm somehow responsible for all of this!

I very calmly told him "Maybe you want to go and live somewhere else if this place is so unacceptable to you?" And he replied "Maybe you'd like that". Then I told him that I've warned him *repeatedly* that I can not live in a house with constant angry outbursts, yelling and throwing things. Just last week he got angry at Seth for leaving dishes with food in his room after being told repeatedly not to eat in his room... and my husband threw the food into Seth's bed and then made him clean it up! I told him that doing things like that (or breaking his favorite toy) in a rage is NOT OK. I said that it feels violent to me, and that it makes me feel unsafe and probably makes Seth feel unsafe as well. I told him that even though he has never touched either of us, he gets so out of control that I fear he might inadvertently hurt Seth (who is incredibly scrawny) one day.

So, after I told him I wouldn't live with him if his behavior continued, I went to go to work and discovered that Seth had come upstairs and had probably heard me ask his dad if he wanted to go live somewhere else. That made me feel even more terrible. After I got to work my husband called me to apologize. He always apologizes later, but I told him "Don't be sorry, be different!". I explained that he needed to reassure me that he could get control of himself. He started crying, telling me all the stressful things that Seth had done that morning before he ended up blowing up at the pantry (which looks great now btw). He confessed to me that he doesn't think he can stop or control these outbursts. He said that he feels hopeless about his own life and the fate of the planet in general. He has been receiving therapy for years and has now accepted that he (in addition to Seth) is probably on the spectrum. We have gotten lots of help in place for Seth and have all kinds of strategies in place...but none of them seem to work.

I feel that I am in a horrible no-win situation. I love my husband and can't imagine living without him. On the other hand, I have a back problem that gets significantly worse when I'm put through one of these very horribly stressful situations at home. Also, we own a home together. I bought it years and years before we got married but when we refinanced last year I put his name on the lease. Seth is not legally my son. I can make threats about not tolerating his behavior but I can't really follow through on anything. I mean, what are my options? Send him to a hotel we can't afford...make him take Seth with him? Keep Seth with me? Should *I* be expected to move out of the house I bought and slaved over for the past 12 years? I don't know how to show him how serious I am about not living in such volatile conditions. I also empathize with how hard things are for him, I don't know....maybe it really *is* impossible for him to control himself? I don't understand why he can't just disengage and go out and sit in his truck for awhile or go for a walk to cool off. But I'm not on the spectrum...so, I don't know what is possible or not possible....are my expectations too high or what?

He needs to get some serious anger management help quickly before he hits you and his taken off to jail.

I hate reading stories like this because they don't give me hope if I got into a relationship. It'd be nice if everything went down smoothly, like ice cream on a Sunday afternoon. It's too bad Seth is in the middle of this chaos. Actually, it's too bad your husband has such a temper. I could NEVER live with someone with that kind of propensity for meltdowns. I'd be thinking it could escalate to something much worse where fists are flying, knives are flying, or bullets are flying. (Sorry. Didn't men to make you nervous. My anxieties knows no limit).

My first inclination would be to bounce, get out while my head's still on. It'd be nice if you could actually leave with the kid. I wonder if you can talk your husband into a trial separation - you and Seth vs him. He might go for it, you never know.

Maybe you could ask around for someone who is familiar with Aspergers/autism and is willing to take on marital counseling? It is certainly a stressful situation you are in. I couldn't tolerate frequent angry outbursts such as you describe here, because it would make me meltdown too.

You sound like a very calm person. I'd have been balled up into a small space and petrified if someone did that in front of me. I get scared enough when my partner is irritated by people at work, let alone like that.

It must be hard for Seth, his primary care giver passing away (is he getting counselling for that?). I don't think your husband should parent him on his own if he's prone to such extreme out bursts. Although, I don't think that's necessarily a reason to stay with him.

Do you love him? Do you see a future? Vital questions to ask yourself. As someone else suggested, maybe marriage counselling would be beneficially, and your husband should certainly have anger management.

Good luck, I hope everything improves for you and your family.

That sounds eerily familiar... my husband is bipolar and his rages take this same course. Bipolar is sometime a comorbid with autism and can be somewhat controlled - or at least lessened - with medication. It may be worth it to seek out a professional opinion... rages like this are not normal in any sense of the word.

I do recall your previous posts here and it sounds like your family is making some strides in regards to Seth. A few thoughts about strategies you are using with Seth. Be careful that you aren't throwing everything and the kitchen sink at him at the same time. There are a couple reasons for this, one that it might be overwhelming and two that if you are trying several different interventions at the same time, it is tough to tell which one(s) are actually working. Also keep in mind that any intervention that does ultimately work is likely to to take more time to show results than you might expect. Try to stick with those efforts past that point where you really feel like giving up. Sometimes things even seem to get worse before they start to get better.

I am sorry for the struggles you are going through with your husband. My DH also has some definite autistic traits and has also just recently acknowledged that fact. His meltdowns are somewhat opposite, he shuts down and sometimes will hardly talk to me for 24 hours or more. More poignantly however, he is an alcoholic. Last summer he relapsed and I thought it was over for sure. A year later and I can say with confidence that people CAN change. If your husband has been in therapy for an extended time with the same person and has not learned any coping skills to help him overcome his angry outbursts, perhaps it is time he found a new therapist. Maybe one who has worked with other Asperger's patients. He CAN learn methods to avoid triggers when possible and mitigate them when they can't be avoided. All kinds of people on this forum are trying, an succeeding, to do this very thing with their children. I can truly empathize with you and with him in the feeling of hopelessness. You all have a lot of good things going for you though! You know what some of the big issues are and are all willing to participate in therapy. That puts you head and shoulders above a lot of people. If he has only just acknowledged his spectrum traits, I think the things I said above about your step-son also apply to your DH. Now that he is looking at himself through a different set of lenses, he needs some time to address his issues in light of this new information he has about himself. Good luck (((HUGS)))!

I think maybe this is a good time to put a little time into your husband. He needs to have a better process for identifying and mitigating his stress, because what he is doing right now is destructive towards the rest of you and not working.

Do you think he'd be game to work on that for a while?

I still remember when things were bad in my marriage and my husband checked out this one men's group. One thing they told him (this was a while ago) was to always keep change for a phone call in a pocket, because the thing to do when you can't handle your anger or stress anymore is to LEAVE THE HOUSE, but NEVER get into a car (not safe when emotions are out of control or the brain is all jumbled up). That change was to be able to make a phone call (I guess keeping the cell in a pocket is the modern equivalent). Point is, to take a break from the situation is an easy step to remember, and being out of the situation gives a guy a chance to self-calm. NT or AS, can work for either, and for a variety of issues. My husband has left the house in the rain without shoes, and taken a very long walk, but the thing is, it works. Over time, he's learned to see the patterns earlier and remove himself from the situations earlier, and has a variety of things he can do to self calm.

Now, I know it is hard when your husband is supposed to be the one managing your step son, and being the bad guy, but at the point he is losing control, he probably isn't being effective with the boy, either.

Just as with our kids, there is no point engaging with your husband when he is such a state. He isn't rational. You can't just walk on egg shells around him, either, because that is no way to live. What you both need is a process, a way for you to calmly put up the needed walls and get him going through his steps to manage himself. You talk about this when you are out of the situation, and agree to simple statements intended to let him know that he needs to start those steps NOW.

It can be really tempting when things are bad like this to give up on the relationship. I'm not sure that would be the right answer. But you do need to make sure that your needs stay met, and that toxic patterns from your husband and son don't damage you. That helps no one, long run.

Let him know that things can get better. There are things to learn, and it takes time.

I don't even know what to say.

This sounds way to familiar. My bf isnt diagnosed with Aspergers, but he has a lot of traits. Though he's has lost a few of these traits.

This is how he is, he explodes and I think is having a meltdown? And it's almost always over smallest thing.