Do I take my 12 yr old Aspergers son out of school?

Post Reply New Topic

So, this week I need to make a big decision - either to send my high-functioning son back to school or withdraw him and homeschool. He's gone to a bigger school this year, is in a gifted class and it all seemed to start really well ... however over the last few months he's been increasingly complaining of being bullied (mainly verbally). Some of this has been dealt with, but there is a pattern of intimidation from some kids who seem to then lie to teachers if they're confronted, and the teachers believe them.
It all came to grief last week, with a big meltdown - he said that kids attacked him with bats, whereas the kids have a "plausible" story. To me, there are more holes in the other kids story, but then I know he has sensory issues with pain or can sometimes become scared and misinterpret things if he is close to a meltdown, so it might not be quite as bad as it sounds. Either way it still seems pretty bad. I am convinced that kids are winding him up regularly and he is exhibiting escalating behaviours because of it.
The school is keen to work through things, make accommodations and strategies, and educate the other kids better on caring for kids with ASD. If it worked, it would be great. I don't know if it will.
He doesn't want to go back and wants to do school at home, but I don't know how "final" this decision is in his mind - is it just how he feels for now? This is such a big call to make - it would probably commit us to homeschooling for the rest of his education. I would also have to give up my job which I am happy to do if it is in the best interests of my son. (I must admit I'm a bit freaked out about having to work out how to homeschool and to keep him disciplined and motivated.)
The thing is, I don't know what is best for him. If he stays home will he get bored, be lonely, miss out on things that school offers that home can't (eg. sport, drama, music), become more socially withdrawn? (we live in a smaller town so not easy to get to city groups etc.) But then if I send him back to school am I just sending him back to bullying, rejection, low self-esteem (regardless how hard the teachers try to encourage kids to treat him better) ... and is mass schooling the best for him to learn anyway?
Aaargh ... advice appreciated.

Is there another school he could go to in your town? - Maybe one that has already tackled this sort of issue successfully before.
I think he'd be missing out on an awful lot if he was allowed to just isolate himself from the rest of the world It would also not help him to develop social skills

Unfortunately I think removing him from school will just teach him to run away from his problems. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to watch your son go through this, but remember a lot of NT children get bullied as well and no one pulls them out of school. It might be easier in the short term, but in the grand scheme of life it doesn't teach him any of the skills he needs to survive. I would continue working with him and the school. If you can find a better suited school that could be okay too. If you do decide to pull him out I would still understand because it is so hard to watch your child suffer.

It doesn't matter how keen the school is to help out your son. It's not working. The other kids are having a ball getting away with everything when there is no supervision, and then supporting each other with lies about what really is happening. Your son is no match for this pack of predators, and the school obviously doesn't provide enough supervision, or if they do, at least some of the adults, aren't taking the bullying seriously. No child deserves to be preyed upon by others on a daily basis. And no child can learn effectively in such an environment. The only thing that any child can learn in that environment is that none of the adults--including the child's own parents--cares enough to protect the child from these predators. Stop feeding your son to these vicious brats, and HOME SCHOOL HIM!! !

I know what I am talking about. Decades ago I WAS THAT CHILD!! ! If you love your son HOME SCHOOL HIM!! !

As for sports, art, drama, music, you can enroll him in non school based classes in these things. My sister and I took dance classes outside of school for several years when we were kids. We and my brothers also did scouting for some years. There is Little league, community theater groups, story time and other events at the local library. Local parks sometimes have sporting events. Bigger parks often have educational programs. I went to one such program that ran for several weeks one summer as a child. My sister took piano lessons from a private piano teacher outside of school.

You can also take him on educational trips once a week or so, to museums, the zoo, parks, hiking day trips, etc.

There are a number of home school programs out there, including some designed for kids on the Autism spectrum. Just do an internet search for Home school curriculum+Autism or +Asperger's Syndrome, to find them. These will make it much easier to teach him at home.

You have plenty of options. USE THEM!! !

This is probably a really naive question, and it probably will cause more problems than it will solve, unless it can be maintained all the time, but I wonder if the school could get him an aide (read this as a bodyguard.) If kids are coming at him with baseball bats, that is really scary. Also it is really good that he is telling you what is going on. Even NT kids won't do that, many times. I think the unsupervised time is a real problem for spectrum people.

When I was in school, I would have preferred being pulled out of school. Sometimes I would just sit and hope it would happen. It didn't. That said, I don't know if that would have been beneficial in the long run, and I wonder myself what I will do, if my son has problems with kids to that extent, and I need to make that decision for him.

I second the idea of an aide. Could you see if your son could get one? I look at school as a dry run for life. I think overcoming some of the obstacles you face in school will be useful for the when you go into the workforce, etc. I also think that you should pressure the school to see if you can get all the resources possible. I have heard some people getting better results with the school when they get a lawyer.

I think if I could have been home schooled it would have changed my whole life for the better. I was bullied a lot and hated school so much regardless of whether I was bullied or not. In the end all I could do was skip so much school I had to go to family court and get sent away multiple times. All that bullying and family court visits and the mental hospital and reform school could have been avoided by my being home schooled.

Some people say that kids need school to "learn to socialize and get along with other people" and for the bullying that they "need to learn to deal with it themself". I quit school at 16 and it never taught me to socialize. It actually probably made me worse since it taught me that people are mean and it's better to avoid them.

If you can handle it, yes take him out of the system. Many walking wounded are there as a result of the school system and if they had to do it all over it would have significantly reduced their stress and anxiety levels.

I think if they beat him with bats, there would be a lot of physical evidence to back up the story. A bat is going to leave bruises, broken bones, etc.

I think what to do is a very difficult question.

I would consider enrolling him in material arts. They can provide self confidence and the tools to deal with bullies. Krav Maga is a very effective one that can be learned quickly.

I was bullied in school, and I don't for a minute wish I was home schooled. It was horrible, and I still probably have some scars, but I learned that you have to go on, no retreat. It made me skeptical; but it's also very hard to pull one over on me. It's very hard to take me by surprise because I am aware of my surroundings. These are excellent qualities that came from a bad place.

If I could change one thing, I would have taken my parents advice and went to martial arts and when bullied, returned the favor with a few fists to the face.

The school may teach "violence never solves anything" but it's amazing how many people report bullying stops when they beat up the bully vs how few people report bullying stops when they "talk to the teacher."

This is, to me, the most important part of the discussion: what does he feel he needs. I know that when my son faced issues in the 7th grade the one thing he did not want to do is leave school. I offered to home school, but the more he thought about it, the more he felt that wasn't the right answer for him.

And the issues resolved. He was right. He is stronger for having stuck to it and come through on his own.

But that sort of thing is so very individual. You don't want to leave your child in a situation that is killing his spirit and causing him anxiety to the point where most steps start to be backwards. When a child starts begging to homeschool, they tend to be at that point.

I don't think, by the way, that pulling him out at this age should commit you to home schooling for the rest of his education. We know plenty of families who homeschool for a while and then go back. It really depends on the child.

I agree it is a tough call. I wish you the best of luck making it.

So my son when he was in kindergarten/1st grade was attacked in the boys bathroom by a group of 5th graders. He was also having meltdowns daily. School was a living nightmare for him. A LOT of the problems were coming from him not being properly supported in the classroom. The local childrens hospital basically told me that the school district we live in is NOTOROUS for NOT following IEP accomodations and that I was fighting an uphill battle. I decided to home school him.

It took a good year to get him calmed down, and he still has bad feelings about teachers and aides. I think it is something that will be there for the rest of his life. The time he spent at home really changed him into someone else. He went from a kid who had 2-3 meltdowns per day to one who was calm and would do his therapy, would do his school work (to the best of his ability), etc. Im not going to sugar coat it, but homeschooling is draining. It takes a LOT of work on your part, and when your kid has a disability it is even more taxing. The year before he returned to regular public school he was in a homeschool group of kid taking some fun classes. He enjoyed it overall. So he decided to go back this year.

It has had some ups and downs. Mostly the school dropped the ball and did not get his IEP in place like they should have. The spacey principal just forgot to give the special education teacher his IEP and thus when he started no one knew he had autism or needed extra help. Ridiculous. However, despite all the problems (mostly bullying, some academic problems) he enjoys his time at school for the social aspect and not having to be at home with mom all day. I have had to get him back into therapy because he started to have meltdowns at home as a result of academic demands, and we are looking for a social skills group for him to join. He has a few friends at school, and he seems to come out most days in a good mood.

The thing you have going for you, is that the school is willing to work on things with you and your son. Many schools are not. I would listen to your son though, if he is really not comfortable in that situation it may be time to ask the school district for an alternative plan, location, etc. Do you have any smaller charter/private schools in your area that would take him?

side note: I don't think in most cases that mass schooling is right for any kid. I personally think that school is really just a forced social experiment gone wrong. Most of the kids would probably get along with each other if they were not forced into this unrealistic situation. In fact, I am friends now with people who used to bully me as a child. We all grew up, and realized that we all were not that bad afterall. That is one of the things I remind my kids all the time when things go bad at school. School is unrealistic, it is not a permanent situation, get through it, graduate and life opens up.

I would either take him out of school or put him in another school. My parents took me out of school for a while and I was bored and lonely at home but I was falling apart in school and couldn't be around other kids there. I was also very depressed and had no control over my behavior. I was regressing also and having a nervous breakdown and too much change just did it. Bullying was one of them so it added to the stress and me getting sicker. I did do my school work at home from my school. Perhaps you can do the same thing.

I assume where you live, kids go all year around.

Thank you all for your comments. It helped to hear opinions on both sides. Another school is not really an option for us with being in a small town. We are going to see what the school has to offer and whether they can make it a safe environment as much as possible. If we don't think it's enough, then I'm not keen on him going back.

We have talked to our son tonight, and (a week down the track) he is now more positive about going back to school if we can get the safety issue sorted. Honestly, it seems a miracle that he is willing to re-consider, since he had been so adamant about not returning ... he was even humming/singing while playing his computer games afterwards, which means he is reasonably happy and not anxious.

I homeschool my son, and it is a lot easier then most think. I dont agree that pulling him out is teaching him to run away from his problems, rather homeschool is an OPTION, and it you are experiencing problems, dont you look at all your options? He suggested it, why not look into it? DO you really think that anything you will do will stop the bullying? There is no way one teacher can control that many kids, what about walking in the hall? What about lunch, the bus??

Also, for those who suggested an aide....you think that would STOP the bullying? A teenage boy with a babysitter in essence, following him around? Also, do you know that most aides have no training at all in any particular thing? Have you not just seen that poor bus aide that got torn apart by the 7th grade boys? It made national news just a few days ago. Aides are just like her, grandmas, or just your average person who gets hired to sit next to or follow the kids around. You might as well place a dart board on your sons head while you are at it.

My nephew has Aspergers and we all knew he was teased at school and had a rough time, BUT it wasnt until he GRADUATED High School that he told his mom the extent of the torture he faced daily. He was too ashamed to admit it at the time, and knew nothing could be done, there were too many kids involved. She was brought to tears and told me had she known how bad it was she would have pulled him out. He recently asked me how long I planned on homeschooling my son. I told him I wasnt sure, but for now it works. He said I am saving him from being teased, made fun of and bullied, and I probably should consider homeschooling him for a long time. His words meant a lot to me, more then anyone elses. They weighed heavy in my mind and heart. He is like my son, they both have Aspergers, he understands and the pain in his eyes when he said that to me spoke volumes.

My son still has struggles, he still has issues, and he still has to work to make it in his groups and activities...BUT he has freinds, he feels accomplished with his school work, he loves his after school groups and activities, as well as his homeschool activities. The only thing different is he is not bullied, teased or made fun of on a daily basis. Is that really the only way people think a child can learn how to "make it" when they get older?

How often do the kids need interaction and what kind do they need? If you live too far to make regular homeschool meetings, but can make them some times, is it better to have a few positive interactions, or a ton of negative ones at school?

just some thoughts to ponder. Whatever you decide I am sure will be in your childs best interest. But I strongly suggest listening to your child. Just as my nephew, your son might not be telling you everything he is going thru, and it usually gets WORSE as they get older, rather then better. My heart goes out to you and your son, as you have some tough decisions to make.

good luck!

Another parent posted this article on adding bullying to the student's IEP
http://www.specialeducationadvisor.com/ ... d-the-iep/

One of the advantages to this is that it means the school has to not only manage bullying, but also document their management of bullying.

I would also take this to the highest level at the school (principal?) and explain that the kids who are bullying your son are the ones who are being believed, and that this is preventing accountability and creating an unsafe environment for your son. Email the principal and his ENTIRE TEAM after every incident with your son's exact description of what happened - if they say they believe the other kids, ask them to provide evidence that what the other kids said is true. Ask the school to offer disability awareness training for their kids (is your child's diagnosis known?) and bullying awareness.

Find out if there are kids who will help protect your son in a bullying situation, or at least hang out with him and make sure to report what happened. Make sure he identifies a group of "safe" kids and stays with them. Enlist their parents if you can.

I agree with DW, ask your son what he thinks about homeschooling. I'd also try to give the school an opportunity to do the right thing - within reason. Keeping your child safe is the most important thing.