Need parenting tips please

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First off I'm not sure if my 12 yr. old sister Katelyn is on the spectrum or not but I tend to trust WP's views and the parenting board has been helpful in the past so instead of going to some parenting site I thought I could ask here please.

We have had 2 major issues with her for years and I was wondering if anyone understands these issues and perhaps has ways to fix them.

1) Family: Ok Katelyn get ready we have to go (dentist/doctor etc.) get ready. (This is told say 30min. before leaving) Enough time for sure. Yet 5 min. before when we are walking out the door from her it's OMG! I'm not ready! and she is running around looking for flip-flops or her purse or doing hair etc. She is NEVER ready on time. I was thinking maybe tell her an hour before leaving or even getting her ready ASAP when she wakes up since we know we have to go somewhere for the day?

That's issue #1

2) We shop for her clothes and she says she likes them in the store yet when we get home complains they are to tight/bulky/small *insert complaint* She does this with bras etc. too. It's a chore to buy clothes for her since she likes it in the store yet complains when we get home so in the end you are returning clothes to the store and she ends up not getting any. What we think looks good
doesn't feel right to her although the shorts/pants etc. look great she always has some complaint on clothing. She also usually likes some cool stuff usually from the not on sale rack and she has to wear uniforms for school so nice girl shirts etc. are usually out since she'd never have time to wear them and she has to wear a uniform for her school.

Any tips on these 2 issues? Thank You WP.

As far as getting ready to go somewhere is concerned, I like your idea of getting dressed right when she gets out of bed. I actually do that as part of my morning routine. You might also have her lay out her clothes and things she needs for the next day as part of her bed time routine.

Another thing is that "get ready" is a very general term. " get ready" means that you need to do a certain list of things like put on clean clothes, brush hair, wash face, brush teeth etc. She may not have a clear view of what that means. Break it down into steps for her "clean underwear, clean pants, clean shirt, brush hair and so forth.

I have no suggestion for the clothes shopping issue. I still do the same thing and I'm in my 40's Sometimes things just look more appealing in the store than they really are when you get them home.

Honestly, those seem like pretty typical behavior for 12yo. My parents had the exact same complaint about me and I am NT.

In the first example, my father used to drop me in the morning at school (JHS and HS) on his way to work. If I was late, he would just leave and let me figure it out on the bus. Eventually I got it together since I hated the bus in the mornings.

In the second example, my mom started sending me shopping with my older sisters or SILs. Eventually, I started going shopping by myself. I learned to keep the receipts in case I changes my mind. I also learned I had a finite amount of money so I better liked what I got.

Also, a single warning at 30 minutes may be too little. Try reminders at 30, 10, and 5 minutes.

I agree, 30 minutes, can have 50 distractions in it, and those distractions create lateness. If I want to be somewhere on time, and not lose track of what I am doing, if I can collect my items for the outing, and put on all the clothes I need to wear there it really helps (ie, I am going swimming at 7, so as soon as I can after 6 I put on my swimsuit. That way I remember, hey I am going swimming and should stop doing other things. I also lay out my swim bag, car keys, purse, etc, all over the table as a visual reminder that I need to keep on track).

If the things I need most often are always, always, in the same spot then that helps too because I am not running around looking for keys, shoes, sunglsses, etc.

Clothes is a difficult thing, because clothes shopping is typically an awkward and stressful experience. do you think she could be agreeing to buy clothes just to get it over with quickly because it sucks and she wants to go home? Also, sometimes you just cannot help it. Even if something is tried on, on a different day the exact same article of clothing can be a huge hassle if your sensory issues are worse. Or even in the same day, if things change, I will end up ripping off something I had been wearing because the temperature changed and a seam inside the shirt started feeling like sandpaper.

Does she have to wear regular bras? Sports bras that are simple, stretchy, and made out of a material that she can stand might work out better for her. Underwire bras are crazy uncomfortable sometimes.

Also, if she does find something she likes, maybe you could help her get multiples of it, especially when they are onsale, like solid color t shirts from old navy or somewhere like that. They have no tag in the back, and come in a large amount of colors, so you can basically pick one that you like and then just buy 5 or 10 of the same one without having to try every one on. And often they are marked down at the end of the season or when they get new style in. When I was a teenager, I just by default bought every top I could buy in black so I didn't have to make a decision about what color to buy, and they didn't show stains.

Pants can be difficult because they are so uncomfortable at the waist. Maybe she would like something like cotton leggings, or athletic yoga style pants in neutral colors more than jeans because those can really pinch at the waist, or need a belt (belts are so annoying).

It is very kind of you to help your sister. I hope you succeed in making accomodations for these issues for her.

I still have both those problems at 37.

I don't do much to get ready (I don't wear make-up or dress up fancy) but frequently I'm not ready on time and end up brushing my hair on the way. The only thing I can think to do is get ready really early and then do whatever you like until it's time and not be rushed at the last minute. I can get started pretty early and because I have trouble getting things done and procrastinate I still don't always get ready on time.

The last time I bought clothes that happened to me. I should make a Y U NO Guy about that. "Clothes, why you fit in store but not when I get home?" I got 2 pairs of shorts. They fit in the store and were too tight to wear when I got home. I had that happen before with a couple of sports bras too.

1) Welcome to my world. This is the same story with my 12 years-old Aspie daughter. She is NEVER on time and takes FOREVER to get ready. What works for me (kinda) is: a) Give notification with enough time - if you are planning on getting out at 2, tell her 1 hour before, but do not tell her "get ready", tell her "go change your cloths", or "go change or shoes", or whatever specific task she needs to do. For me it is: go take a shower, go get dressed, go pick your shoes, go comb your hair, remember to go to the bathroom before we leave the house. Yes, every time. b) Check every 5 or 10 minutes that she is actually doing what you asked her to do, because if not she will probably say "yes" and end up doing something else she wants to do. c) When she says she is ready, go check, because some times they forget to do something: for example, she maybe changed her cloths for forgot to comb her hair or change her shoes, so go check. That way you won't be mad all the time and you would be ready to go out on time.

2) I do not have that issue with my daughter, but there are some fabrics she does not like, like corduroy or wool. When you are buying new cloths, make her try the cloths at the store, to stay a couple of minutes with the cloths on, and make sure that she looks in the mirror and that she likes what she sees. Do no choose for her: let her make her own decisions. Make sure she gets cloths the right size, or preferable one size up, so they fit right. Tell her to make sure that is what she wants and that it fits right because you are not returning them. If she says that she wants to take those cloths home, DO NOT RETURN THEM. She needs to learn to stick to what she says and that she cannot get away with hers every time. And make sure she wears the cloths.

The first issue is an executive function issue. She's probably a bit behind where a normal 12yr old girl would be.

Some tips: Give her SPECIFIC things to do, one or two things at a time, not just a general "get ready". IE: Please go get dressed and put your pjs in the hamper. Then, you can give the next set of directions - Go get your shoes and socks and put them on. And so on. She needs to have someone checking on her, giving her follow-up and encouragement.

The second issue related to working memory, in my opinion - she can't keep all the 'important' things in her head at once - how this fits, how this feels, is this too tight, where is the tag, etc, etc. She needs someone asking her SPECIFIC questions in the store - "Where is the tag on that shirt... does it bother you?" "How tight is that waist band, is it pinching at all"? And so on.

Specific instructions and questions are key. Has anyone considered the possibility she has ADHD? For some reason girls tend to not get diagnosed, even when they exhibit the same symptoms as a boy.