Cousin just diagnosed, what can I do to help?

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My little cousin has always been a little "odd" and I recently found out that he has a mild form of Asperger. (However after reading more about this I don't think it's that "mild") My questions are many. Should his parents tell him he has it? (He is about 10 years old) How can I better engage in conversation with him? (I always seem to bore him with "How are you?") And are there any books that we (his extended family) can read that will help us become better around him? He is highly intelligent but doesn't seem to have many emotions or concern for others.

Any advice for making his universe a happier place for him would be very much appreciated.

Also any warnings for what might happen in the future (teenage years) would be great also.

He's a little kid. Emotion and concern come to everyone given enough time.
As for intelligence, that's a good thing: It means he has the potential to pursue a field of his choice and do very well in said field, and that's something you have to encourage him in. Don't let anyone try to convince him that he is worthless, but don't praise him too much either or else he'll develop an overinflated ego, and when the egos of children with Asperger's are inflated, that often means they take it the wrong way and think they get to do whatever they want.
As for the question "What can you do to help?" it all depends on what you mean by "help". If you intend to "cure" him or "make him normal" that isn't possible, and trying it isn't recommended, since if you try to change him that can drive him to feel pressured to the point where he sinks into his own little world, which I don't think is what you want with this kid. Your cousin was probably born the way he is, and what you have to do is respect that and appreciate him for who he is.
Also, if you want to engage his interest, find out what he's interested in, and use that as a way to discuss things with him.
With regards to his teenage years, as I teenager with Asperger's I've found out the hard way that that is nearly always harsh, rocky territory, especially the early teenage years, and if he has a mistaken impression about his Asperger's Syndrome (or if you remind him too often that he has it), it may lead to low self-esteem and possibly unacceptable behaviours that may come about as a result. You have to explain to the child that Asperger's is not a disease and isn't insanity: It's just a mildly different way of processing external (and possibly internal) stimuli.
Also, I recommend making sure that whatever school he attends is a welcoming environment that he feels comfortable in. School is the place children spend the most time in outside of home, so you need to make sure it's not anything that's going to do damage to him psychologically.
I think that all about covers it.

I did not mean "Help" in terms of "cure". I want to know how I can carry on a conversation with an aspie who doesn't seem too enthused with talking periode. What I have read concerning "small talk" fits "J" perfectly. It's like he doesn't want to be bothered with our mundane conversations and we are not intelligent enough to engage him in meaningful conversation.

I know there is so much that me and my family have to learn but we feel like we should start with just talking to him. And doing so correctly so he doesn't fly into a rage or get so irratated with the small talk that he shuts down.

However, his mother refusses to tell him that he has Asperger's (little bit of denial I think) so we must walk a fine line.

We are very excited because we have just assumed he was a brat or evil or odd. Now that we have some insight we can't wait to get to know "J" and interact with him in a pleasant and meaningful way.

I think if mom is somewhat in denial and hasn't told the child it might be best as extended family to lie low with this for awhile. Certainly it's wonderful that you and your family want to understand him better but questions such as should his parents tell him and what challenges lie ahead during teenage years are issues for parents and not extended family unless they happen to be guardians or caretakers. If she's asked for your help in seeking these answers that's another story but often parents don't invite extended family to participate in this aspect. It often takes parents some time to catch up with accepting the diagnosis--this is perfectly normal.

Your goal of having meaningful and pleasant conversation is admirable but first it might be good to find out if he even has a desire for that. Sometimes it's best to let a child like this know that you'd be interested to hear what they are (reading, listening to, doing as a hobby, studying, etc) and take you cue from them.

i think it's great that you're taking an interest in trying to communicate with him better. try to remember that aspies are often blunt~they say what's on their mind and don't mean to offend. if you can figure out what he's interested in, go with that~he's bound to be an expert on his particular subject, so asking simple questions might irritate him greatly. far better to ask him to explain something to you ( ie; if his interest is stoves, ask him how he thinks they come up with the temperatures that different products cook at~i mean, how do they figure out that a turkey cooks best at 325 degrees ?)

Well, after my son's reaction when we told him, I hope the parents get comfortable enough to tell him. He probably already knows he's "different." But, that's not your place - it's a recent diagnosis, so it does take time to get to know the condition.

If you only see him during crowded family times, his non-social response could be sensory - just too many people asking the same vague, "how are you?" My AS son is very concrete and specific so hearing that question will make him very tired very fast.

Instead, "What are you reading?" or "Which video game are you playing?" or "Which television show do you like best?" or anything more specific and related to his interests. At his age, he's probably in school, so does he get enough computer time there? Is art a dumb class? Why do you think they make us take music?

Then, instead of just talking to him, try listening. As others have noted, most Aspies have very strong interests and some will lecture on about their subject.

Maybe tell him some jokes - my boy didn't understand most jokes at first (the whole black-white thinking thing), but, with patience, he's now starting to get the jokes on his own.

When we first got his dx, I read a lot of books and did a lot of internet research. Nothing really comes to mind as far as helpful books. The biggest thing that helped us was this forum. I read a lot on the general board as well as here and it's been very helpful to read back through some of the other posts.

Thanks for caring!

I'm an adult aspie with a PDD-NOS kid. Sometimes we don't want to communicate and often, when we do, it's not in a NT way. Hitting us with something we know about and enjoy is good advice, but you may get more of a monologue than give-and-take conversation and the child may tire of the conversation too and say "I don't want to talk now" or start answering "I don't know." Most dont share their inner life with others. Sometimes my son will open up a little, but then he gets tired of long conversations and will ask,politely, "Can I please stop talking?" I wouldn't force a conversation. That's annoying. It's no different than if somebody followed YOU around trying to talk to you when you weren't in the mood.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with "J". Not too much was different for him; except a few small things that seemed to make a big difference. For one, when he was asked a question and didn't reply no one made a fuss about him being rude; we just went on with our business or conversation. When we tried to take pictures we asked that "J" look at the camera instead of "me"; and we have some of the best pictures we have ever had with him looking at us instead of the ground. He also wanted to ride in the car to the store for sodas and even went into the convince store with us to pick out the kind he thought we should get. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!! !! !! !!

His mother and grandparents have decided to not rock the boat. If "J" questions things in the future or even today then he will be told about Asperger's. Until then we are just going to do what we can do to interact with him better.

Thank you to all who have given input and advise. Your ideas have and will continue making a positive difference in "J" life and his family's as well. Thank you again from my whole family.

Cousin Am

glad turkey day went well !