Dealing with possible meltdowns

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I have 4 kids (some of you know). I just recently found out about my Asperger.

I have always considered my oldest boy (12) to be special
and my middle boy (9) to be very social and normal. Now I am getting second thoughts as I am learning more about AS (through this forum, most official pages are useless).

Bit of a background
I am in the middle of a divorce and do not dare to reveal anything about asperger at the moment. If ex gets a good lawer it can affect my possibilities to see my children (asperger persons do not have empaty!). Therefore I can not get any advice from school psychologist for my children at the moment. My ex has hooked up with a women I thought was my friend and is now introducing the children to her (he left 4 months ago). Don´t know how they will react.

Case
The 9 year old boy is very social. He gets on very well with other persons (especially girls) and is considered kind and caring. He sometimes complain that the other children will not play with him, I have brushed it off as a case of the other children not wanting to play the things he wants to play, and that he has to realize that not everybody want to do the same as him.

He notices small things. When I am wearing a new pair of earrings he will comment on it along the lines: "those earrings are new, I have never seen them before" or "You almost never wear them" I have always considered this a special and very social talent?

He has always complained about some noice hurting him/ getting a headache. I am just discovering how much noice can bother me, and I truly belive he is right. As I just discovered my self a couple of months ago, it is something I have to study further, to be able to help him.

Reading through posts today, I realise that both boys have issues with not hearing requests. The nine year old will often claim that he didn't hear me. And today I ralized that he might be right. I will try some of the methods described elswhere on this forum.

I am just beginning to figure out my own cases of meltdown and what triggers it. Then it occured to me a few days ago that what I considered anger/temper outbursts might be his meltdowns? He has always thrown "tantrums", some people have suggested that he did it on purpose, which I have always denied! He is not doing anything to annoy on purpose. It often comes suddenly (to my observations, will study further in the future) but often connected with being teased by bigbrother, feeling of unfair treatment, feeling of not being heard or understood. He will run to his room and sometimes cry and hide sometimes punch things or destroy things. He will calm down after a while. When younger he would hit his big brother (if he was the reason) but he no longer does that. For years I have tried to talk to him about what to do, what he feels is the best way to comfort him when he gets these "tantrums". We sort of reached an agreement that he wants to be left alone in his room and then I have to check on him after a while. If this really is meltdowns he is more asperger than I thought and we have to find the triggers so I can help him in the future. Can this be meltdowns?

Right now I can't think of more typical traits, but I will consider it in the future.

Btw. my ex told me that he considered my dyscalculia to be fake and an excuse and a way of getting other people to do things for me. My suggestion of me having asperger was the same. Therefore I do not expect any understanding or help with helping the children.

Wow, you have a lot on your plate.

It sounds like it might not be the right time to do a complete assessment to identify possible autism or sensory processing disorders. However, since your children are dealing with a lot of transitions, using some of the approaches that work with children with ASD could be helpful.

For instance, communicating with your children about the divorce and the changes in their lives is important. You don't need to do as much explaining as listening. Ask them how they are feeling, reassure them that nothing is their fault and both their parents love them. With issues like this, children on the spectrum may feel particularly overloaded, so talk to them in simple and concrete terms about what this means for them: where they will stay when, who will pick them up for school, how you will plan holidays, etc. Maybe you shouldn't do it all at once, but as things come up. And try to answer their questions quickly and clearly to encourage them to ask.

It sounds like your social child has some sensory issues. This doesn't mean it's necessary a spectrum disorder, but using the info available might help anyway. Here's one site I like. http://www.sensory-processing-disorder. ... klist.html

J.

postcards57
I will have a look at the website you recommend. Might help me as well

Lots and lots of changes to the cildren.
We moved here in the new house less than a year ago, after having lived in another country for five years. Shortly after the oldest got epilepsia, we are still trying to deal with that one.

I would love to tell them what is going to happen, but I just don't know. I myself break down often because I do not know if ex. will let me keep the house. I have to let go of my very nice Ph.D because I can simply not cope with more things at the moment. That means that my carriere is going down the drain. My economy is really lousy and he made the breakup really nasty (sorry, having a depression at the moment) and I have to find a less demanding job, soon.

I thought he would let me keep the house, so I told the children and we were making plans like: were are going to have a playhouse for the small ones here and a campfire here. Then he changed his mind and I had to tell the children that we could not make any investments at the moment. So I have to tell them that I simply do not know if we are able to stay in the house (that they love). I am going to court over the children, as my ex thinks that it is a good solution that they move every 7. day (not with small children and probably not with children on the spectrum).

The only thing that I really can do, is trying to understand my children better and try to protect them from silly beliefs from their father (e.g. not beliving in asperger).

It is really hard to talk about feelings with them 1) I am not the best myself 2) they are always just ok, if asked. I guess I have to take it in very small steps and I often tell them that they have no responsibility for the situation.

Helle

The more I read here on WP, the more convinced I get that my boy is getting meltdowns. I know those and I think it would be good if we talked about why he gets them. The "why" could lead to a discussion on how to avoid them or how to handle them.

I guess that just writing things down, like I do here, helps me see things more clearly

There are some great threads about meltdowns e.g. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt205374.html

I found the "why" question for meltdowns to be the most difficult for my son. It has taken him to age 11 now to even begin to realize he is getting agitated and heading into a meltdown, and he still does this sporatically. So while we try to identify the triggers, it has been more helpful to us to help him be self aware of an oncoming meltdown, learn and practice techniques to calm himself/distract himself, remove himself from the situation, and ask for these things.

Thank you for spelling it out for me, english is not my native language and sometimes my intensions comes out rather crude. I think it was this I ment - him being able to be self aware of an oncoming meltdown. But I am not sure that I was seperating these things that much. I am just starting to figure out that I might have meltdowns myself and how to handle them (I am sure my father has them as well). I will ponder this more in the immediate future.

I just remembered another few features of his
He had an imaginary friend when he was younger
His ideas of right and wrong are very strong
He is very hard on himself if he do not accomplish his actions/drawings/reading the way he intended to

This last trait is something we have to work on as well, the poor boy has very high standards (trying to be as good as his 3 year older brother), it often makes him dissapointed.