Can a parent explain this?

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My parents have some idea in their minds of how I should be, I try to meet them where and when I can and am existing at the limit of how much effort I can put into this, and I know they make some effort to accomodate my differences however to thier mind I am not putting in enough effort, I am not being tolerant enough of others, I need to learn to be like everyone else, learn to engage better in conversation etc. I can't understand why they will not just accept how I am, why they believe my inability to act NT is a failing on my part, why whenever I try to explain something to them they say I'm not putting in enough effort etc. At the same time when they are saying that I am not engaging in conversation enough and they are not seeing enough of me, they are not interested to get involved in any of my interests, do anything I want to do etc. - it is me who needs to like their type of movies, engage in what they want to talk about, etc.
Is there any logic behind their position? I can't figure out how to work with it, I can't figure out what they want from me, what they need from me. How can I encourage my parents to accept my non-NTness and not be against it? I really don't see a way forward in working with this.

I am not sure what is going on in your family, but I am wondering if maybe you resist less about doing one or 2 things they request, while asking them to do the same for you. Example say they want you to go to the movies to see something yuo arent too interested in. If you say , "sure, I will go see it. Its nt my fav movie, but I will see it with you. Then, maybe you guys can come see (insert waht you want to see or do).with me"

Even though my son likes things I have no interest in, I engage in them with him, becasue they are so important to him. He is only 7, but I am hoping as he gets older he will learn to compromise and do some of what we like, just as we compromise and do some of what he likes now. It sounds like your family doesnt do anything you like...maybe sit and have a talk with them?

good luck!

At age 20 it's time to start your own life and detach yourself from your parent's expectations of how you should be.

Why they hold these expectations has to do with the fact that they consider their children either a profit or a loss gauged at their own standards, that is, they would value any resemblance with themselves and accordingly dislike everything that makes you different.



Probably because NT's usually act as if all people would basically be, think, want, and feel the same. They're having a real hard time when they should accept that there are exceptions to the rule. Moreover, since NT's live in a world that needs no logical explanations they can't understand why you don't learn their rules by simply living around them.

That's how it works for them, on a (emotional?) level that simply doesn't need explanation. Their behavior is like something they are born with and they don't need to analyze what to do, when to do it, how, and how much of it. Because all these things come so naturally for them and from their point of view practically everyone knows how to handle this kind of stuff, they are totally unable to cope with anyone who is different.

Furthermore, i'm pretty sure they can't understand why you are different since as both are NT they would expect an NT child.

Is their primary concern that you spend time with them, or that you spend time with someone? Many NT parents of ASD children are concerned about their children's apparent isolation.

I also couldn't help but wonder whether your parents have any other children - as a parent of older teen and young adults myself, I have no expectations that my children, NT or ASD, will spend much time socializing with my husband and me. It's not what children that age do. They go to the movies with peers, rather than with parents, for the most part. They go to movies in which they are interested, not movies in which we are interested. The compromises, for "socialization" purposes (for lack of a more precise term), come when there are family obligations that they are reluctant to attend, that we consider important. I do hope (and talk to my children) about the importance of compromise when selecting places to go (or movies to attend) with peers - but parents and children are unlikely to have similar interests in these things, and they are not appropriate socializing peers, in my opinion. If they want you to spend time with them, which is certainly appropriate, it should involve something you can all enjoy, not something that some of you are enduring. Dinner at a restaurant you all enjoy, for instance, would give you a chance to talk, which a movie would not. But even that, for some 20 year olds, is an infrequent event, and the interactions between them and their parents tend to occur at home, primarily.

I think humans have a built in desire to please our parents.

I think that you may have to show interest in their things for them to show interest in yours. Think about it. Isn't it kind of selfish to say "We can only do what I want ever?"

This is BS. We all have our own perspective in life. We all live our lives filtered through our own set of experiences. If you go around making these kind of monstrous generalizations about an entire subset of the world's population, what do you expect you will get in return? Can't you see that perhaps your attitude might have something to do with how people react to you?

I beg your pardon, but this was not about me and how people might react on me.

Can you give a little more onformation on the dynamics of your relationship? Also, how social are you? Do you spend time with friends, co workers, etc? If I had to guess, I think it may be that your parents may be concerned about you. It's hard though to tell if their concern is valid or not, based on what you wrote.

Well...here are some random thoughts...

Are you the oldest kid in your family? Or only? Because when I was 20 I did not socialize with my parents. Period. Unless it was some kind of "family event." Luckily I had a younger brother and 2 younger sisters (who were 14 years younger, so still required a lot of my parents' effort), so this did not seem to be much of an issue for me.

On the other hand, whenever I can, I try to go early to pick my kids up from wherever they are while I am at work (summer camp right now) because I like to see what they are doing. My daughter is nearly always alone. She almost always has been. There is something so utterly sad inside of me when I see it. I literally feel like bawling and sometimes--to be honest--I have. For many people, isolation is a very negative thing. Even for me as an introvert isolation can sometimes lead to sad feelings of lonliness. So when I see her alone, it hurts me...until I realize that she actually likes to be alone. She is happy being alone a lot of the time. When I remind myself of this and when I truly allow myself to watch her--smiling and enjoying herself, by herself--it alleviates some of the pit of sadness I feel. Is it possible that your parents see you isolated and perceive that you might also be feeling lonely?

My Aspie dad pushed me hard when I was a kid. I was a very emotional kid. Very sensitive. My dad is logical to a fault. My emotionality drove him crazy and he always seemed to want to drill it out of me. Made me feel really bad about myself because I was naive and trusting and emotional. Always said I needed to be more rational and logical. He used to really make me feel like there was something seriously wrong with me. It was only that I got older that I realized that everything he did and said to me as a kid was less about trying to make me more like him and more about him trying to protect me from my own vulnerabilities. In me, he saw a person who had high intelligence, but who allowed emotion to trump logic if the two ever conflicted. He worried that would put me in a position of weakness where I could be taken advantage of. So, he tried to "fix" what he thought was wrong. Not because he didn't love me as I was and not because he had some kind of underlying demand that I be like him (although that's how I saw it as a kid), but because he loved me and he did not want to see me hurt. Parents have their own weaknesses and shortcomings. When I realized my dad was the best dad he was able to be (even if it wasn't really the dad I needed him to be), and when I forgave him for being human, my life--as a whole--got much easier. I was older than 20 when I came to this realization, btw, and if someone would have suggested it to me at that age, I would have blown it off.

I think parents usually have some picture in their minds of their kids being happy. Because each of us only has first-hand experience of our own lives, sometimes it is hard to understand that someone could be happy with a life that would not make us personally happy. And sometimes as parents I think we see a little bit of ourselves in our kids and we want them to avoid the mistakes we have made or travel a better road. Most parents want their kids to have a better life than they did. And sometimes we do stupid things trying to fulfill that dream.

20 was a very tough age for me. I knew I was not who my dad wanted me to be, but I wasn't quite sure who I was either (I never really figured that out for almost another 20 years). I think the struggles you are having are common among people your age. But I do think they are necessary struggles. The most maladjusted people I have ever met have never really searched for themselves. They have always just bobbed along in the sea of everyone else's perspectives. So while this might be tough for you now, in the long run I think you will be better off for it.

I guess my "advice" would be to remember that your parents are human and that being NT gives you no guarantee of having any answers. We all kind of blunder through life sometimes.

Thanks heaps for the replies, I really appreciate it, they have given me some perspectives I did not see before.

Thanks. My family and I have no common interests. They will not do anything I like. Doing what they like is an endurance feat in tolerance for me. E.g. using the movie example, I am quite faceblind, can’t read between the lines, don’t get emotional things etc. so dislike the dramas they enjoy, they dislike the action thrillers I enjoy. Occasionally I will sit through one of their movies, however they will not watch mine. The other day I told them that I had an available day and so to let me know if there was anything they would like me to do with them, but they didn’t tell me anything to do with them. I don’t sit and talk with my parents, that sounds horrible. I’d prefer to just idnetify and satisfy whatever it is they need from me so that I can do my things by myself.


I am trying to break away fron how they want me to be however I live with them so need to get along with them, without them getting constantly annoyed about me not doing things such as greeting them, farewelling them, talking with them, handling social interactions etc. ‘correctly’. I live with them because I can’t afford not to, because I am currently dealing with too much as it is without trying to add moving out to the list.


Aah, interesting, so that would be part of why they are setting me against their standards for how I should be.


Ok, I didn’t think of it like that, my family all have a very difficult time understanding that others can see and experience things differently from them and seem to think I just need to put in more effort.


Most of the criticism I get is about how I interact with them and others (like I don’t talk enough, I don’t greet and farewell how they would like me to etc. etc. etc.)


I like your lack of expectations around this I don’t have friends my age so that is interesting to find out. I have younger siblings. I think it is more that I don’t do anything with them, and when I am with them, they feel that I don’t make enough of an effort, and don’t talk enough. I am not a big talker and hate talking for the sake of talking, I am more likely to enjoy being around someone if I can just relax, without any need to maintain constant conversation.


I don’t want them to do what I want. I want to figure out what they want from me, so that I can give them what they want from me and then they can leave me alone to do what I want by myself. However I do feel a bit of resentment that they want me to do more with them however they are unprepared to anything with me. For years I did try to get them to come watch my sport and #1 special interest, and they never did, not once.


I am not close with my family, I am not close to anyone. As I live at home I see them evening/mornings and during the day on the weekends, when I am at home I spend most of my time in my room, though they are welcome to come in etc. I am not very social, I only have a few friends, older than me who I see occasionally. I am probably at the max of what social activity I can handle at the moment - though my siblings are way more social than I am.


I would like to be alone more. I wish they would stop trying to make judgements on things that they see from such a different perspective. I hate family gatherings, if they let me leave after only half the time they would be more manageable and I might even like being at them. At the moment even the christmas gathering is an ordeal.


Thanks for the advice, I’ll think about that. I can’t cope with my parents as is. I don’t think my parents really see the value of emotion. I don’t like my emotions, they hurt to feel.


How do I communicate to them that we experience things so very differently - and that this is not a failing on my part?


Thanks for the encouragement. How did you come to figure out who you are?

Last edited by Cogs on 08 Aug 2012, 3:17 am, edited 2 times in total.

I came to figure out who I am by living life. I wish the answer was more compact and directive than that, but it's not.

What would happen if you just became the "driver" of the socialization? By this, I mean what if you said "Mom and Dad, I am going out to dinner on Tuesday. Would you like to come with me?" Or
"Hey, I'm going to see a movie on Wednesday. Why don't you come?" Or "I am available Saturday afternoon from 2-4. Would you like to do something together?"

What would happen if you declined their invitations that you really don't like? What about something like "Well, I'm not really interested in that particular movie, but I'd be happy to either pick another one together or do something else."

Or what about just suggesting that Sunday afternoon be "family time" and then put all of your family obligations there?

It seems to me that if you are always offering to spend time with them and they are always the one declining, then perhaps they will feel the need to back off. Or start doing things you like to do, too.

What if you pointed out to your parents that many of your typical peers are no longer hanging out with their parents all the time anymore. Tell them that you think it is more age appropriate for you to start doing more things on your own since you are a young adult. --I am always a sucker when my kids point out that what they want to do is what their same-aged peers are doing. No matter how accepting you are as a parent, there is a secret thrill you get when your kid is doing something age-appropriate; maybe you can use that to your advantage.

I really feel for you. I cannot imagine what my kids' lives would be like if they didn't have me as their strongest advocate. I can't imagine what it would be like if I was a part of the problem instead of the one person who always "gets it." I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and I hope you can find some kind of resolution.

I don't have too much to add to the previous posters' contributions...they are all very interesting perspectives. I can say, that as a parent of a child with Asperger's, I sometimes let my emotions take hold of me out of worry, concern, and love my child (both of my children, actually!). When emotions run high, sometimes logic goes by the wayside. For most parents, the pestering/nagging come from a place of concern for their child's future - and how said child will be able to function in a predominantly NT world.

I would suggest that you show your parents your responses in this thread. I, as a parent, am at a disadvantage in that my child is not able to articulate her preferences and challenges clearly while she is under duress (she is 10 years old). I may think that things are going along swimmingly, but she may be close to her breaking point. I try to see signs, but as she has grown older, and maybe due to all her therapies, she has done a good job of masking her stress. Having the information of what is challenging to her *before* she feels overwhelmed would be immensely helpful - and information that you are providing in this thread could be eye-opening to them.

Best of luck to you - the family dynamic is very difficult with young adults. You sound like you are really trying your best...

Thanks heaps.

Day one of trying to engage with my family more - I talked more with them, and tried hard to give them longer answers and have arranged to do something with my sisters. However it was absolutely draining, it's like trying to be a different person around them. And they don't seem to get that I am trying, like my mum asked me a real broad question, I find broad questions hard and I drew a blank so I asked her to be more specific about what she wanted to know and she got annoyed at me, like I was being difficult. I'm trying, though I don't know if this is sustainable on my part.

Please tell them that you are trying. Tell them that you arent trying to be difficult, but you dont understand the question. They just might not know. I hope things get easier for you!

I agree with MMJMOM, please let them know you are trying your best. I believe for my DD, practicing this type of social engagement is akin to going to the gym and doing "reps" with weights. You start small, maybe with 3 lbs. weights, get better with practice, and then move on to 5 lbs. weights. You are right - it is exhausting! But with each bit of practice, no matter how small, you get better and more adept. And soon, the small conversations don't feel quite so exhausting. Please don't start by doing a full day of social involvement and conversation. Ease into it with only a few minutes at a time to give yourself a well-deserved break. Maybe setting a goal of a 5 minute conversation a day?

However, it also works both ways...your parents need to practice having the *patience* to work with you in helping you get there. They need to do their "reps" too! And if your mum and dad aren't willing, or able, perhaps you can enlist one of your other siblings? Maybe tell them it's like a game and they have to practice with you talking about your day. Try to engage in 3 minutes of non-stop conversation back and forth...then work your way to 5 minutes of conversation. You may find your siblings are more helpful because you have more in common and they are not necessarily judging you or worrying about you like your parents, which may make casual conversation even more difficult. Working on only a few minutes a day may help quite a bit. And it wouldn't hurt to show your younger siblings excerpts from this thread too, so they can gain a better understanding of how hard this is for you.

I talked to my Mum, I didn't realise that it was possible for them to not know that I was trying.


That weights analogy is so true! Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions, that is a helpful way of approaching it, it is making things more managable, however I will not show my siblings/parents parts of this thread.

Thanks