Parents Getting Angry

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Here's a question for you all to think about: Why do parents get angry when their child doesn't behave the way they want him or her (hereafter, "or her" will be left out) to behave? Why is there anger to begin with? It doesn't seem any different than getting angry when your computer doesn't work the way you want it to. Do they view the misbehavior as some sort of personal challenge, because they feel their authority being questioned? Is it simply a matter of the child not knowing his place in the family. I mean, the parents have the right to be dissatified with the child misbehaving, but why do they get angry? Even when I've dealt with the police, they were firm and even a little but mean, but definitely not angry.

Parents, aspie or NT, this is a question intended for you, although anyone, kids, teens, and childless adults, are welcome to put in your opinions. I'd like to know why parenting and anger seem to go together more often than they should.

There are many reasons for anger and frustration in parenting and anything. There is fear that you're "failing" at parenting, that your kids will not be equipped for living. There is fear that you will be socially/physically isolated because kids are inappropriate. There is anger that "things aren't going your way". Not just in a ego-trip way, like you suggest. Frustration when you can't enjoy things that you normally would. Like going out for dinner, or relaxing at home, enjoying a drive. But say the kids don't want to go or are very noisy when they're there, or make you late.
Cooperating just makes things smoother. It makes me angry when I prepare something or buy something that my son says he wants, then he refuses to eat it.

Sensory issues are another aspect to parenting. My son knows that I have sensitive ears, so when he's angry, he may deliberately scream in my ears. Jumping on the bed, chattering incessantly, turning up the tv really loud. these are all things that drive me nuts and I have a hard time coping.

KimJ makes a few very good points. It is so much easier if the kids just do what they are asked and don't give any trouble. For me, a lot of it is about expectations. Don't get me wrong....I know kids aren't supposed to act appropriately and that they have a lot of learning to do before being independent. However, if I ask my son to come over and get his coat and boots on so he can catch the schoolbus, and he just refuses to come over, I get irritated. Depending on the stress level already at that point, I can get angry. I don't like to be angry toward my child, but why can't he just do something as simple as that? The anger response can come out in the blink of an eye.

I fear being a failure as a parent. I fear repeating the same mistakes made by my parents. Most of all, I fear being the angry person who raised me! I don't hit my kids, but there are times when I want to repeat what was done to me. It is such a double-bind.

I. Absolutely. Hate. That. Feeling.

They get angry sometimes because the signs of anger.....glaring looks,raised voice,insults and threats....can work to get their way.At least that was the way it worked in my house.I felt it physicaly,when my parents showed sighns of anger.I would do most any thing to avoid the physical discomfort I felt....racing heart,horrible nausia,confusion,panic.There were times that what my parents wanted me to do was actually more painful to me then facing their anger....wearing dresses or uncomfortable clothes,stopping my "interest" while ingaged in them,practicing baton-twirling(always hitting myself with the baton was "literally" painful),talking to strangers.

What really bothered me with their anger was when what I had done was an "accident".....dropping a glass while loading the dishwasher.Losing my gloves,not being able to find my shoes and making us late for church,forgetting to turn in my homework.There were also "rules" that made no sense to me.When they would get angry because I had gotten dirty exploring the woods....cant clothes be washed....arent these my "play clothes"?I didnt realize the anger was about them worrying "what will the neighbors say about a girl getting dirty....we must be bad parents".

I think most parents have a desire to control their child; they're reluctant to allow their child to truly be himself or to explore the world unfettered. Most likely, this is partially from a well-meaning fear for the child's safety but unfortunately, I think there is a negative aspect to it, as there always is when you want to control another person's behavior.

I'm not sure where the negative desire to control comes from... maybe it is the parent seeing the child as a reflection of him or herself.

But in general, I think the worse the parent, the more controlling they are, and vice versa; the better parents are the ones who are less controlling.

Parents get angry because they are human and have their own stress and issues to deal with - just like kids and adolescents and adults. A few may say they have no such emotion but I often think that when they say that is has been moved into some other expression - like depression or apathy or whatever. I have mixed feelings about anger because sometimes people say you shouldn't be angry because it is supposed to be equated with being wrong but on the other hand anger can be inspiring for people to change things positively in themselves. And while some say they were traumatized by being around anger - a false placidity can also be disconcerting.

I also think KimJ makes some good points too . Parents HAVE things they MUST do - and when children do not cooperate to a certain extent than parents can get fired, or get evicted, ect. So there is also a balance to make the household function where it is not necessarily advantageous to have to get permission from the child to do things if that has an effect on getting to work, getting dinner made, ect. Some people are control freaks or perfectionists however but they are usually angry with everybody and unsatisfiable.

What made the anger" traumatizing" for me is that I usually did not know what I had done wrong ,so I never knew when it was coming.If you do that experiment with lab rats....punishing them at unpridectable intervals with no pattern or connection to the animals behavior(which means that can't do any thing to control the punishment)...they go insane.It would have been very helpful if AS was known about when I was growing up...then my parents would have understood that I wasnt "trying" to be difficult and I would have understood that my behavior was out of the norm and might have to be verbalized.(I was not a tantruming child and tried to cooperate,be polite and respectful).

I really dont want to give the inpression that parents getting angry makes them evil.I chose not to have children out of a fear of my own anger at childrens behavior....I didnt like it when I was a kid and I still dont.Screaming,bratty acting,rude,selfish kids can push my buttons like nothing else.Iguess someone has to have them to keep the aspie species alive....but it wont be me.

But some parents speak so rudely to their children. They wouldn't talk to their best friends like that so why do they get so narky about whether their kids are wearing green socks or blue socks?

In the case of the boy who wouldn't put on his coat to get on the bus, let him go without his coat for one day. If he gets cold from not wearing his coat, next time he will put it on. It's a matter of picking your battles.

Okay, but how about the other side of things. Kids often get angry with their parents because the parents don't behave as they would prefer. Now I realise that usually the parent would be expected to know best but not always.

Maybe continually trying to explain is not worth the aggravation. Despite how it seems, I don't think your child is deliberately trying to be obtuse or obstinate. We Aspies process words differently to most. I wish I had more answers but this is about all - just to realise that conventional logic and reasoning mightn't work.

MomOfTom, does your son ever complain about his coat being hot (apologies in advance if he is not speaking as yet)? The reason I ask is Aspies often do not feel the cold as much as neurotypical people. Even when people around me complain about the airconditioning being too cold, I find it either just right or too hot. As long as your son has warm footwear and a warm jumper and pants, wouldn't that be enough?

My Spectrum kid is never cold. I only buy him short sleeves and let him get away with no coat as long as I feel I won't be reported to CPS. If my son gets hot he starts to get very itchy. I'm on the Spectrum myself and I'm the opposite--I'm either TOO cold or TOO hot, but all kids are different. The problem is, at least in the US, there ARE teachers who will report parents if THEY feel the kids aren't dressed warmly enough. I explain that to my son, and he is willing to wear a coat to keep me out of trouble, even though he'd rather just wear a sweatshirt over a short sleeve t-shirt.

I think most of us here have the sensory issues down pat. I certainly can't prevent all or even most sensory overloads, but I can recognize when they happen and not blame my son for them.
For me, like I said and MomofTom said, it's the button pushing. One of the traits is not recognizing social hierarchy. So, you always have to assign rules and schedules for everything, all the time. Regardless of how much an autistic child appreciates those strict rules and schedules, they still push the rules and limits, to test their security. My husband was routinely neglected and would even willfully leave the house or school as a child. But his own behavior and its freedom scared him. For NTs that fear would make a child stay put, make them mind more often. Autistics no. Even saying typical "parenting" things like, "I mean it!" has no bearing on my son. You actually have to follow through with whatever consequence and then deal with the forthcoming tantrum.
It can be exhausting.
In this day and age (and in the climate I live in) we can be fairly liberal with clothing. I don't make my son match his clothes or wear "appropriate" shoes. Luckily he has gained a sense of temp regulation, which he didn't have as a toddler. eg he couldn't/wouldn't complain of being hot or cold. However, I refuse to live in a climate with cold extremes anymore because he won't wear jackets or mittens or hats.

One thing I don't understand is why the school authorities would report a parent if their child wasn't wearing a coat but might miss bruises and cuts on the child's body under their clothes (I don't mean the usual bruises and cuts kids get from playing but ones inflicted through abuse).

What if the parents were too poor to buy their kid a coat? I know of some schools that would keep a few spare items of clothing and footwear (maybe lost property that was never claimed, or donations) for kids who needed them.

Kim J, the lack of social hierarchy is a common autistic trait that really can't be changed a lot. By all means, explain that people like parents and teachers have to be listened to and their instructions acted upon but be prepared that your child is always going to have an egalitarian outlook upon the world. For us, respect is earned and not conferred.

The "testing limits" behaviour would be very frustrating but again, a typical Aspie trait. It is their way of trying to make sense of the world. Plus, we often don't generalise an action from one context to another or we have troubles with our short term memory. It is so hard to tell wilfulness from genuine lack of understanding of the rules so it's better to give the benefit of the doubt.

All I can suggest is avoid having too many rules. It is better to have 4 or 6 "core" rules of behaviour than about 100. The more rules you have the harder and more exhausting it is to enforce them - no fun for you or your child.